To think that if you are a man you shouldn't stop a school girl on a deserted street to ask for directions

[solosolong]

Just that really. DD is in year 7 (although she is tall so looks a bit older) and leaves for school early when there aren't many people around. She called on her way in this morning to say that she was feeling a bit nervous because a man had just stopped her to ask for directions.
I'm sure there was nothing dodgy about it but AIBU to think that as a man on your own it wouldn't take much imagination to think that a young school girl will have been told not to talk to strangers and may be scared if you stop to talk to her?
I am interested to know what others think.

to stop remembering all the many...

OP, I think there are two distinct and separate issues here.

1. You feel that men shouldn't approach girls in the street, even if they need to ask a legitimate question or need help. For that, I have to say YABU. I don't think to train a young girl to be fearful of men in general is helpful, empowering nor does it lead to greater safety.

however...

2. Your daughter called you to say she was feeling nervous. She listened to her instincts. This is what will keep her safe. I think it's great that she feels she can call you just to tell you that, and that you can reassure her that she did the right thing.

YANBU. Of course a man should not approach an 11 yo girl on a deserted street even if he is completely lost (and who can be completely lost these days with iphones?). When I was taught self defence at school - admittedly South London - we were told by the police never to tell anyone the time if someone asked it on the street. Those things are well known distraction techniques before an assault. Lots of girls get assaulted because they are more concerned about social niceties - not being rude- and not enough about their own safety. Your dd should have kept walking and ignored the man, and if she felt she was being followed she should have the courage and knowledge to knock at the door of a nearby house without worrying that anyone would accuse her of being a drama queen. Eleven is still a baby FGS - however tall she is, she cannot look like a grown woman especially if in school uniform. The man may well have been harmless but he was definitely a thoughtless idiot.

Nobody will ever know now whether the man who approached the OP's daughter was genuine or not. But I'd say it is an unusual choice to ask a child for directions...

By the looks of things on this thread, men in cars approaching young girls under the pretence of directions is not unheard of. I too was approached on a deserted road by a man when I was in my teens, asked for directions, and once given invited to sit in the car with him to make sure he got there, and when I refused, he just drove slowly next to me for a half a minute intimidating wanker before driving off to find someone more vulnerable. People like that do exist, sadly, and I would warn my daughter to be careful, just as I have already warned my eldest son.

My comment about being worried if my daughter called me if someone asked for directions was a really stupid thing for me to say and I am cringing that I typed it! I am sorry OP for that comment, it was stupid of me.

I was trying to say, very badly, that I would be worried if my daughter was so nervous of men asking her for directions, but seeing your further updates I jumped to conclusions as she is obviously a confident girl and this isn't something she does often.

Again, my apologies for my first stupid post.

creighton - don't be so bloody rude!

You were talking about sons. I have two.

its because of threads like this I worry so much for my boys when they are older :(

YABU, if he was just asking for directions and there was no-one else around to ask. I don't see any problem.

YANBU

and can not really understand the backlash you are getting

Why could a grown man not think well better not approach young school girl she is on her own and may feel vulnerable I can drive up on ahead and ask someone else

but no it seems the young girl was being dramatic

Could the grown up man not use his common sense

i went to an all girls high school, for some odd reason many men used to get lost around our school

and quite a few of those to help relieve the panic of being lost apparently needed to wank

and why be fearful for your sons growing up no one is suggesting all males are out to do wrong and we should fear them all

thetoys- try not to worry.

Not everyone thinks like that, thank the lord.

Most sexual abusers are men (no shit Sherlock)
Not all men are sexual abusers. (some people sadly don't seem able to tell the difference)
Some women like to pretend sexual abuse is something that strangers do, that it's an opportunistic thing that happens. Rarely this turns out to be the case. Most sexual abusers (especially when underage girls are concerned) are family members.

Maybe the hysteria that pervades when one of these "a man! call the swat team!" threads start up is because, as women, too many of us want to hide the distasteful facts about opportunistic sexual abuse being very very rare indeed, under the carpet. That same carpet that Uncle Jim, or Dad's mate Ernie gropes us on.

I have two sons - and I don't fear for them any more or less than I fear for my daughter .

I am afraid I agree I would rather be lost for a few moments than make someone scared.

BTW we have had several police notices out recently round here about dodgy people asking school children for directions and to be aware.

I would wonder why on earth someone was asking a school girl.

Lots of girls get assaulted because they are more concerned about social niceties not being rude- and not enough about their own safety.

YY.

If the street was deserted, who else was he going to ask??

no one. its not the girls fault he was lost.

Be very wary of the police notices. They are usually based on some sort of 3rd hand story- but the police have to act on them. There is very rarely any factual basis to them. The "men driving round suspiciously in a white van" is just such an urban myth.

I don't think you are being unreasonable really.

This might have already been answered - was the man in a car? If, so then you are definitely not being unreasonable.

When my DS - who is 9 - is out on his own, I have taught him never to stop if someone pulls up in a car to ask directions or to talk to him about anything. I have told him to stay well back from the car if one pulls up and to walk away quickly whilst ignoring the person. This may be very rude if the person is genuinely lost, but I just assumed that no-one work any sense would pull up beside a child to ask them directions.

I would rather that my DS was rude and safe! I think about the last CVTV fotage of Milly Dowler & the fact that she seemed to just 'disappear' from main road

TheHouseonHauntedHill we have too

and what a strange coincidence the approaches have been made towards a school girl on her own

and sadly we are conditioned to act nicely and not kick up a fuss. Its very sad how teenage girls are so often not listened too (she felt nervous is that something to ignore) and called drama queens

YANBU and well done to your DD for calling you.

I once hung around as I saw two men in a car stop and speak to a year 7 boy. They drove off and I asked him he was okay. He said he was but I thought he looked a little confused though that could have been because a stranger had asked if he was okay.

I wonder if everyone saying YABU and being snooty have any experience of any kind of attack in any way. It is often people sneering that not every man is a paedophile and you are being OTT etc have no idea about the affects of abuse.

My daughter is 11 and it worries me that she goes to school on her own. Bad things DO happen.

The man didn't do anything wrong. BUT.

I thought back to when I was 11 and in fact the whole period of time when I was in my teens and my memories of this time with regard to being alone with unknown men are of being in awkward situations which I had to manage. Men making inappropriate comments, men standing too close and occasionally, men attempting something - there were four or five moments that would be classed assault and multiple dodgy comments and me feeling very, very uneasy. Of course I don't remember all the times that it was fine and nothing happened so I'm aware of that issue but the fact is it had a huge impact on me.

Even today if a man asked me for directions on a deserted street I'd take a step back, hold my bag close to me, answer him while carrying on walking - all of the above to remain safe.

The sad fact is that normal men do not know just how often this happens to young women and girls. In fact, when I moved to France for a year it happened to me virtually every time I left the house. It's not the fault of the normal men but it is a fact of life for women (or at least it was for me).

So no I think a sensible man would have been aware of her vulnerability and approached the problem in a different way. I tell my daughter not to sit in a railway carriage on her own and I'll tell my son the same but also to be aware that his physical strength and just the very gender of him will mean some people have reason to be anxious and he should be conscious of that.

Also YY to whoever said good for the DD for being aware of her sense of danger. 99% of this is under the radar, subliminal stuff, and we have to tune in to "that feeling". Whether we are right or wrong about that feeling we have to listen to it and not just give a man directions because we are a good girl and we don't want to be rude.

opportunistic sexual abuse being very very rare indeed

No it is not very very rare indeed.

A huge number of school age girls and grown women suffer sexual harassment from strangers on the street, on public transport and so on. This can range from catcalling to full on sexual assault - groping, grabbing etc. As previous posters have said - one of the methods these men use is "asking directions."

Check out Laura Bates on everydaysexism.com

"Lots of girls get assaulted because they are more concerned about social niceties not being rude- and not enough about their own safety." Couldn't agree with this more! OP I think it's good that your daughter feels that she can speak to you about these things and trusts that she won't be dismissed or ridiculed (as some posters on here have done!). Instincts are there for a reason and it sounds like you responded appropriately without being alarmist YANBU.

I agree it's getting harder for men and bringing up boys involves making them a lot more aware of all sorts of things that our parents probably didn't have to talk to their sons about.

But the fact is that's because this is a genuine issue. Men attack women. Only a small number do it, but it's common enough that most women grow up aware of a wide range of subtle information on this topic, and for a long time, men did not. It was the woman's job to hold this information and use it as protection as best she could. If men are raised with similar information but from the opposite side, I don't see how this can't help the situation. Also, perhaps if this became as culturally ingrained for men as it is for women, the level of sexual violence might even drop.

ILovePud your first sentence is so true ime.

I would rather my child be in cotton wool than a coffin. It is my job to protect her, to not take dangerous unnecessary risks and to prepare her for the real world; and give her the tools to deal with situations she might find herself in when alone.