To think that if you are a man you shouldn't stop a school girl on a deserted street to ask for directions

[solosolong]

Just that really. DD is in year 7 (although she is tall so looks a bit older) and leaves for school early when there aren't many people around. She called on her way in this morning to say that she was feeling a bit nervous because a man had just stopped her to ask for directions.
I'm sure there was nothing dodgy about it but AIBU to think that as a man on your own it wouldn't take much imagination to think that a young school girl will have been told not to talk to strangers and may be scared if you stop to talk to her?
I am interested to know what others think.

You need to reread what people have said really because you are rather off the mark there

If my child how tee said they where uncomfortable being alone with anyone I wouldn't force them to do so. It's about trusting your feelings and letting your kids do the same

It's not about over reacting as you seem to think

There is a middle ground right?

It's not everyone is a pervert versus we can trust everyone.

Some people are not nice people and do not nice things. We can protect ourselves without going to extremes.

I wouldn't approach a child or teenager because I wouldn't want to make them feel uncomfortable Am I unreasonable to expect that courtesy from others? Or if people are innocently not thinking about the impact, then is it wrong teaching our children to be polite but carry on walking whilst saying "sorry can't help"

We shouldn't have to do this, but my child is not going to be a victim whilst making a point.

Yanbu.

She's 11. The bloke was daft approaching her. Don't they think that it was a bloke pretending to ask for directions who managed to drag Milly Dowler into his car?

I don't for one minute think all blokes are out to attack women but as an 11yo in such a situation I'd have been nervous.

If all he wanted was directions then I don't see what the problem is.

To me, the problem is that she didn't know that's all he wanted. He should be sensitive/intelligent enough to know that too.

I am in my 40's, have probably been asked for directions many times over the years but the only time I remember was when I was about 14 and a man asked me for directions on a quiet stretch of road. I was terrified and ran. I felt vulnerable.

Your daughter is not unreasonable to feel uncomfortable.

The man, I don't think made the wisest choice on who to ask but can't really be 'blamed' for any scare he caused.

FGS, so many arse-backwards posts on here. Yes, it sucks for the plenty of nice men out there that you can't tell them from the plentiful arseholes. But the fact is, girls/women are wary around strange blokes for good reason.

Almost all cat-callers = men
Almost all street harassers = men
Almost all sex offenders/rapists = men

Are we supposed to ignore everything we know because OMG POOR MEN? It sucks that there are creeps out there; both men and women have to deal with that as best they can. Women, by trusting their instincts and men, by displaying a bit of common sense. Is it fair? No. Do men have it super tough? No.

A bit histerical there Drank not many people on this thread are saying our girls should be kept at home and actually a man Flashing a child is sexual assault a man calling after a girl hey sexy legs then turning nasty is sexual assault just saying incase in you missed the point in amongst all your witty sarcasm,

You can either teach your children to trust all men or you can teach your children to be wary of all men, there isn't a middle ground.

Some teenagers look like they are in their 20s, how woukd you know you are asking a teenager directions, avoid asking any woman for directions.

I think the school uniform is a giveaway Aeroflotgirl.

Dd and her friend were (they felt) followed by a van. They ended up knocking on door and telling the homeowners who then rang us to collect them.
Shortly after the children were spoken to at school about a similar van that was thought to be predatory, dh was aware of this through the police.
Had my dd not had an idea of the possible dangers then she may not have been able to of kept herself safe.
It's really sad but we owe it to our chikdren to make them responsible for their personal safety.
I went out Saturday, it was a lovely evening and I could have strolled the mile home easily but I got a cab.
Not because ALL MEN ARE RAPISTS but because some are.

creighton - what's this got to do with my sons? What an odd attitude. I have sons and a daughter - I don't think my sons are more important than my daughter. Or anyone else's for that matter.

I would be wary about asking a young girl for directions and I'm a very nice, unthreatening looking woman. For a strange man to do that, I have to say, I'd be a bit suspicious. He's either very stupid because he should know that would frighten her or he was genuinely up to something.

I would want any young girl to be wary of approaching strangers. Most people looking to harm her will approach in a seemingly innocent manner to get close enough to grab them or entice them into a car.

Not all men are rapists/murderers but most would have the sense not to approach lone female children (or any child). Those who are bad always will, a trusting child won't be able to tell the difference between a thoughtless person or a potential aggressor until it's too late. That's why they need to be taught to assume the worst and get out of there.

There are a lot of men out there who are a danger and every attractive female will have endured their harassment in public. Many children will also come into contact with opportunistic perverts. They may be a minority but not an insignificant one.

You can either teach your children to trust all men or you can teach your children to be wary of all men, there isn't a middle ground.

I disagree. You can teach children to be wary of strange men (and women) and even when they know them you can teach children boundaries that enable them to respect their own bodies enough to be able to "tell" if necessary. Preditors often prey on the vulnerable who haven't generally got this self confidence.

So you can teach waryness of strangers - not men in general. There is a middle ground.

I don't think the man did anything wrong , but I also think he would have done something better had he not approached her, especially if she was obviously a minor. By which I mean, you say she's tall-if she wasn't obviously wearing school uniform, had a hood up or could possibly have been in work uniform or, he approached her from her back view, could he have thought she wasn't a child but a grown woman?

He may have been lost and late and desperate to get directions. He may have thought she was a woman rather than a young girl. He may have just not been quite as perceptive as many of us and not realised that he may make her nervous.

But if you say she's normally a confident girl and she felt uncomfortable, is there any reason for this? However small?

I ask this because I remember several times being asked for directions (by men!) as a child/young teen. I remember sometimes it affected my day negatively, and sometimes it didn't bother me at all and I was happy to help or sad that I didn't know how to direct the man.

But then in the same way that some people appear dodgy when they aren't and some people appear cold when they're actually nice, and some people appear rude when they're shy, just because he made her feel uncomfortable doesn't necessarily mean he wasn't innocent.

It's sad, but if I was a man I think I would not have approached a child in this situation. Even as a woman I don't know if I'd approach children to ask for directions! Not just because I may make them uncomfortable but the child could take me the wrong way and I could end up in trouble. Sad but true.

On a sort of similar note DP has said that a while back some local children would knock on the door asking to come in and see our dog. He would always take the dog out the front on the lead for them, never letting them into the house or (back) garden because he was scared people would talk. I think that's really sad. But I understand why.

encourage your daughter to rely on her gut instinct and act accordingly, that it is ok to not be polite all the time (ie to stop and engage in conversation) if her gut instinct is not to

So you can teach waryness of strangers - not men in general. There is a middle ground
But the majority of abusers are someone the child knows. Who is a stranger? Friend's dad? Teacher? Neighbour?

So... , as a woman, if your work had sent you , say to meet a client at an address say 'Paranoid Towers' at 8.30 and you could find the street but despite having walked up and down a few times couldn't find Paranoid towers, you are feeling desperate because it is 8.27 and you see a girl appear walking down the street.You feel it would be totally wrong to ask her?

i expect he could have used google maps if that desperate for directions

i dont know if i would ask a child or teen by themselves for directions in case i frightened them, and i am a middle aged woman

but the important thing is to teach your children to develop their gut instinct. something made her nervous. maybe melodrama or maybe she picked up on body language. of course, kids her age will be nervous anyway at the moment because of the news.

But the majority of abusers are someone the child knows. Who is a stranger? Friend's dad? Teacher? Neighbour?

Teach that if a child feels uncomfortable with/around a person, then it is ok to express that and not call them silly or rude for doing so.

irianofway, try and read my posts before allowing your narcissism to carry you away. I did not make any comments about you or yours. I commented to Aeroflot not you. reel your neck in.

I'm in the YABU camp too.
Yes, I have teenage girls who walk to / from school on their own.
Yes, I would expect them to help people if they could... sensible precautions like not getting too close / leaning in to a car or van, but I would certainly expect them to help someone who was lost if they could.

My dh would never ask a young girl for direction because he believes he can guess the way to anywhere, and would never ask ANYONE for directions

Perfectly reasonable for him to ask for directions so YABU. Perfectly reasonable for your daughter to feel uneasy. She should be encouraged to walk away from situations she feels uneasy with, maybe talk through polite but firm exit strategies with her? Glad she phoned you to talk it through.

My dh would happily stay lost for hours rather than ask anyone at all for directions

TBH on first reading I thought OTT.
Then it got me thinking and remembering all the many times I have been accosted, flashed at, stopped by men in cars "asking for directions" and finding someone tugging themselves off at me.

So now I think, actually, it's great that she called you. My mum was upset to learn from another mum that I'd been flashed at. I felt ashamed and upset and didn't feel able to talk to my mum. I was 10 or 11 at the time. So brilliant she feels able to call you. An opportunity to discuss personal safety and the like. Because actually these things do happen. I am trying now to stop the many, many incidents I have endured. Less so now because I am no longer young I guess.

I have sons, I am not anti men, but this does happen a lot and it's both naive and doing girls and women a disservice to encourage them to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable in case we upset a man.

creighton we are entitled to your opinion as is you. It is sad you feel that way about men.