To be annoyed with DH and FIL for going on holiday without me and dumping me with the baby?

[wolfgirl83]

It's FIL's 70th birthday and he wanted to do a trip to a city in Europe with his sons, DH and his bro. Fine. But rather than planning something where we could all go along, FIL decided he wanted a 'boys weekend' where he could go out drinking every night. So if I went along he'd expect DH to go out drinking every night and me stay in hotel with the baby. Also he didn't seem keen on making concessions for baby during the day when sightseeing etc. My brother in law I think encouraged him to plan it this way. His girlfriend isn't coming either as she will be too heavily pregnant to travel then.

Am I being unreasonable to think it's a bit off to deliberately plan a 'family' holiday that excludes your only grandchild and DIL? I possibly could have insisted on going along, but then I felt I would not have been wanted, plus wouldn't have had much fun sat in the hotel by myself.

My DH feels guilty but didn't push it. He says it's a special occasion as it's his 70th, which is a fair point. I just think it's a bit odd to expect your son to ditch his wife and baby for 4 nights and come drinking in Europe. Maybe I'm wrong though? Our baby is 10 months, really quite a demanding little boy and I'm slightly dreading being left to it. DH has never even had him for a full day by himself, let alone overnight! :(

But tell me AIBU, and if so I'll try to just get over it! ;)

I feel sorry for the FIl. All he wants to do is spend a little time with his sons.
The OP needs to stop blaming him and address the real problem between herself and her D.h.
It's telling that she doesn't apportion any blame to him, but tries to make her FIl out to be the bad guy. Stop being a victim, and stop allowing your DH to treat you badly.

Oops didn't read whole thread.
But suspect many breastfeeding mothers feel landed with all the responsibility. It will change soon once baby is mixed feeding.

It's only four days. Thought it was five. Oh my lord!!

I initially thought YABU but I'm wavering a little, given the extra details. Even if it hadn't been portrayed as a family holiday, I can understand why you'd feel miffed especially if your DS is a needy baby.

If you can, save a small amount of money each week and when DS is old enough, you are more than overdue a break away without your family, without any responsibilities.

OP I wouldn't want my husband to go away for four days drinking either.

But I think it's more because I don't really understand it. I don't get these holiday's and stag do's where everyone goes away with the 'boys' or 'girls' for a few days pissing it up, but I am a stick in the mud ;)

My FIL wouldn't dream of asking my husband to go away for four days, but maybe that is because we have five children and while I can manage on my own and would do so easily enough, he wouldn't think it was fair. A night out? for sure, but four days? nah.

Put me on the small YANBU bench.

just the way you went about it, Chipping.

Budge up U2TheEdge

DH is being selfish. And FiL is being thoughtless.

IME this issue where men can so readily opt out of parenting/ domestic responsibilities and women are left "holding the baby" is very common and troublesome. It is rarely equal. Being pissed off about it does not mean you're unable to manage alone or that you don't love your baby. Its a significant feminist issue.
(Unless you're a "cool wife" or happen to be married to one of the (rarer) men that were raised with values of equality meaning they don't take the piss.)

RiverTam - really? Really? I disagreed with you, I told you why. Sorry my reply wasn't to your liking

celtic and here we are again

Ha ha ha. MN Bingo! I was wondering when "Cool Wife" was going to Pop up. .

Yabu

as I have already said, I found your bolding and re-presenting of half the OP, as though I was too dimwitted to read it for myself, patronising. I have no problems with anyone disagreeing with me.

I think the thread title doesn't really represent why the OP is upset.

I would be annoyed if I had a 10 month old baby and I was taking a financial/career hit by going on maternity leave while DH merrily dipped into 'his' holiday slush fund every 3 or 4 months and then I was invited away on holiday with DH's family and they were all, "It'll be such a treat for you staying in a hotel room, but if you don't want to come we'll totally understand."

Whether or not it's OK for any man to leave his wife with the kids for 4 days to go on holiday isn't really the point of the thread.

Yes - PeaPod, it took a little longer than I thought though It's a terrible crime to be able to look after a 10 month old for 4 days, your own 10 month old and not mind. Terrible.

RiverTam - FGS - bolding so you can tell the OP's comments are not mine. Re-presenting? Highlighting the points that made me form a different opinion to you. Nothing to do with thinking you were too dimwitted to read it for yourseld or being patronising. Flick that chip off of your shoulder, it's most unbecoming.

Merry - I would be annoyed if I had a 10 month old baby and I was taking a financial/career hit by going on maternity leave while DH merrily dipped into 'his' holiday slush fund every 3 or 4 months Yes, totally agree, but it wouldn't be happening here and it's not what the OP's OP was about. It should have been though, IMO.

I get the impression that is her problem from her follow up posts. She has accepted that there is nothing wrong with a boy's weekend.

Often people don't express their real problem at first. Both on line and in RL it can take somebody else to say "really? are you sure that is the issue?" before you clarify in your own mind what is going on. That is probably why she posted.

She isn't providing a witness statement in court. She is allowed to elaborate and discussions move on. I think if she were the kind of poster that couldn't accept other people's opinions she would be far more shouty and defensive.

sorry but yabu. the difference between an adults break away and one with a baby along is huge. However, you also need some breaks too - maybe get your dh to step up a bit but this is entirely seperate from your dh's family break with his brother and father.

I think the only thing that would make me think you were any way reasonable about this would be if this break was instead of your family holiday. otherwise you are kind of coming across as spoilt and a bit immature. sorry...

YABU to mind him going - YANBU about the financial costs and how it is being paid for

And frankly we'll never know if she made the whole thing up and is a 20 stone lorry driver called Dave having a laugh at a rest stop. However, assuming she is who she says she is I think her follow up posts deserve discussion.

Chipping i am waiting for someone to come on and say "LTB, his clearly got an OW that's what the slush fund is for".

Cod FIL is paying/ heavily subsidising

Pea

Sorry I was trying not to get caught too busy at work to read through the whole thing

DH has never even had him for a full day himself
Yet you are being criticised here for feeling put out at being left to take care of him alone for the nest part of a week while your Dh pisses off (again).

I would be annoyed.

only skim read but I would feel annoyed too, also many hotels offer baby sitting, i am sure this has been covered.

do you have family, are you able to plan your own trip away for even a night and leave dh to it sometime?

its a tough one, I can see myself wanting to share my DD again when older and married and have just them....its the timing and nature of whole thing...

why not one night away in uk or two even...then a family trip to europe?

I dumped DH with the 14 month old toddler to go on a city break for my sister's 40th - in theory DH and DS were invited, but there is no way I would have taken DS with me on a city break like that, so DH had to stay home!

It's a boys holiday, and he's only 70 once!