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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed with DH and FIL for going on holiday without me and dumping me with the baby?

174 replies

wolfgirl83 · 01/10/2014 11:25

It's FIL's 70th birthday and he wanted to do a trip to a city in Europe with his sons, DH and his bro. Fine. But rather than planning something where we could all go along, FIL decided he wanted a 'boys weekend' where he could go out drinking every night. So if I went along he'd expect DH to go out drinking every night and me stay in hotel with the baby. Also he didn't seem keen on making concessions for baby during the day when sightseeing etc. My brother in law I think encouraged him to plan it this way. His girlfriend isn't coming either as she will be too heavily pregnant to travel then.

Am I being unreasonable to think it's a bit off to deliberately plan a 'family' holiday that excludes your only grandchild and DIL? I possibly could have insisted on going along, but then I felt I would not have been wanted, plus wouldn't have had much fun sat in the hotel by myself.

My DH feels guilty but didn't push it. He says it's a special occasion as it's his 70th, which is a fair point. I just think it's a bit odd to expect your son to ditch his wife and baby for 4 nights and come drinking in Europe. Maybe I'm wrong though? Our baby is 10 months, really quite a demanding little boy and I'm slightly dreading being left to it. DH has never even had him for a full day by himself, let alone overnight! :(

But tell me AIBU, and if so I'll try to just get over it! ;)

OP posts:

HaroldLloyd · 01/10/2014 19:02

She's over it. Come on.

sanfairyanne · 01/10/2014 20:08

i'd be pissed off but it wouldn't be happening, not on the back of two stag weekends already plus no break for me cos dh wouldn't share his secret stash of cash. nope, that would be a big 'fuck off' from me

ADishBestEatenCold · 01/10/2014 20:17

I agree that you are being very unreasonable, but I see that you have conceded that.

See your DH, your BIL and your FIL off with good grace then, when they are back, sit down with your DH and work out how you can have a bit of proper 'time off'.

EmilyGilmore · 01/10/2014 20:29

Right, firstly, I do wish you'd mentioned a few of these things in your OP. Posters end up feeling they've been a bit harsh when they are just reacting to the info given.

Secondly, I really do feel for you. I too have a fully bf baby and, whilst I am totally happy to do it and very much want to continue, it is tying and does make you chief carer, even at weekends and especially overnight! You know, people talk about the lack of sleep once you become a parent and night feeds...my DH has never once had to do a night feed because of bfing and sleeps like a baby while I'm up and down like a yo yo!

The fact that your DP already sees his dad a lot does change things. Also the fact that the terms of the trip changed, that would have annoyed me too. My DH doesn't see his dad very often at all, as we live at opposite ends of the country so I'm usually the one encouraging them to spend a weekend together, but in your case it's different, I can see that.

So two things I would do: I would ask him to make it three nights instead of four. That's seems fair doesn't it? Also, you and your DP need to have a serious talk about money. I can never get my head around couples who have separate finances, particularly where one has savings to be spent as they wish (on themselves) and the other is in debt. He should have used his savings to pay off your debt, if he's committed to a life with you. You are the mother of his child, not working, not earning, unable to treat yourself and he's drinking his way round Europe with his rainy day money? Oh no, that's just wrong. You need to talk finances. I can't work out if your OH is a DP or a DH, perhaps that makes a difference?

By the way, posters passing judgement on your abilities as a mother or your relationship with your child are just nasty. Of course he's your world. I remember my ten month old boy being just the same, all over me, addicted to mummy, soooo much love

SquirrelSwarm · 01/10/2014 20:34

Along with everyone else I thought you were being a bit precious and VVVU but your subsequent posts add a bit more! My DH has always worked away a lot. It was frequently three or four days and it was tough. And certainly more than three times in the first year. The breastfeeding, and being on ML (I went back part time at 8/9mo, as we didn't get a paid year then!) can make it hard to share the constant level of care with your partner, that's true.
You said finance was an issue, so getting someone in for a couple of hours each day isn't going to be a runner. What about getting a friend to give you a couple of hours "off" each day, just to give you a chance to relax a bit? And make sure you have some adults to see at the weekend.
My DH only had to be away over weekends a handful of times when mine were babies/toddlers but that was the hard time. No activities, didn't want to take up other people's family time, etc etc. Do make sure you have some arrangements to keep you sane, and to stop you feeling pissed off.

HumphreyCobbler · 01/10/2014 20:45

Bitter, I see no reason to feel sorry for the OP's baby. How rude.

GnomeDePlume · 01/10/2014 20:49

Thankfully my own & DH's relatives have been a lot more reasonable about 'big' birthdays and havent been so self-absorbed as to demand their offspring go on expensive and exclusive trips.

Big birthdays & wedding anniversaries have been celebrated with a lunch or dinner. More than that would be excessive.

HavanaSlife · 01/10/2014 20:52

I agree, thats just fucking rude. Everyone needs a break sometime, op has said she is with the baby 24/7 and the dh has already been away twice.

HaroldLloyd · 01/10/2014 21:01

Already been away twice with his savings, and she can't afford to go!

I can understand her being a bit glum about it to be honest.

Stop with the nasty comments, she's already said he is going, JESUS.

Celticlass2 · 01/10/2014 21:22

The op deliberately drip fed when she didn't get the answers she wanted. She is still bu.
The world really doesn't stop turning because the op has a 10 month old baby.

HumphreyCobbler · 01/10/2014 21:31

The OP was gracious about all the YABU comments actually and then filled us in on the other stuff. All her posts seemed reasonable and good humoured.

Celticlass2 - you are obviously just setting out to be nasty. No one says the world has to stop turning.

Celticlass2 · 01/10/2014 21:38

Not at all nasty. I think it's a truism that lots of ( especially) new parents would do well to realise. It would save them a lot of heartache in the end.

ChippingInLatteLover · 01/10/2014 21:42

RiverTam if you don't want to have a discussion then don't post comments to other people

^RiverTam Wed 01-Oct-14 14:27:47
I don't agree, Chipping^

What was I supposed to do? Ignore you? Tell you that you were right? Or do as I did and point out to you why I think what I think? I didn't ASK you to comment on my post to the OP!

skaen · 01/10/2014 21:43

I think the op is perfectly entitled to feel a bit irritated (note not throwing a tantrum and forbidding her DH from going) that he gets to go away a lot and she can't - partly because he won't share his savings.

The calls of drip feeding seem to be an excuse to keep kicking the op - who has already accepted she ibu.

lomega · 01/10/2014 21:46

I can sort of see it from your POV because it'd be nice to do something as a family all together.
However, I do think you're being a tiny bit U because it IS your FIL's birthday, and he is only asking to do something he wants for his birthday...he wants a lad's weekend, you're only 70 once, he probably feels like he wants some fun without a LO around (probably nothing against your baby but they are certainly hard work, I know my DS tends to dominate family outings as he is demanding of food, attention etc, and I consider him a good/easy baby...)

Perhaps when your DH is back you could suggest a little weekend away for you guys with baby, all together in the UK? So you get some time together with LO as well. x

HumphreyCobbler · 01/10/2014 21:55

Celtic, what on earth are you talking about? Looking after a baby is hard, especially when it is your first. I cope better now I am an experienced mother of three than I did in the first year parenthood. The op has already seen her DH go away without her twice this year, she is NOT stopping him from going on this next break or throwing a tantrum, she is expressing annoyance. And has accepted that she may be being a bit unreasonable.

HavanaSlife · 01/10/2014 23:11

I thought the first post read like they had been invited in the begining, fil didnt seem to want to make concessions for the baby in the day re sightseeing made me think op had been invited in the beging but it then changed to a blokes holiday.

Celtic, no the world doesnt stop turning etc but the dh going away 3 times in the first year and the op having no break at all isnt great is it?

LittlePeaPod · 02/10/2014 03:29

Celtic, no the world doesnt stop turning etc but the dh going away 3 times in the first year and the op having no break at all isnt great is it?

This is different to the AIBU question. If Op had said DH has been away twice already and is planning another trip but I haven't been anyway and I would really like a break. AIBU. I think she would have got a different response. Also Op doesn't thin her DH is in the wrong. She seems the blame the FIL when it's her DH thats been leaving her.

Can I add. I am a first time mum to a 9 month old. Looking after DD may be hard sometimes but it's not so hard you can't cope on your own for a few days. As mentioned earlier DH went away for two weeks I was completely fine.

FannyBlott · 02/10/2014 04:05

I think op has been given a really hard time on here! I don't think YABU to feel a bit pissed off but FIL is not being unreasonable either. It sounds like they'll have a nice trip spending time together and I doubt FIL will be able to have many more.

GnomeDePlume · 02/10/2014 05:14

I can see this trip being a total disappointment. A 70 year old and his two mid/late 30s sons on a drinking holiday! Unless they are all regular and heavy drinkers now they will survive the first night and then feel like crap for the rest of the break.

I used to live in the Netherlands and regularly saw sad groups of middle aged men sitting in bars after a 'big' weekend hitting the fleshpots of Amsterdam. By the time they got to Monday they were generally looking pasty, sweaty and in need of a good night's sober sleep.

LittlePeaPod · 02/10/2014 07:08

You know what. I am feeling really sorry for the FIL. His a 70 year old widower that wants a weekend away with his sons. Nothing wrong with that and I really hope they have a really lovely time together.

Op, your problem is with our DH and his "slush fund". You need to address this with him and let him know how you are feeling and that you need a break too.

Titsalinabumsquash · 02/10/2014 07:36

I think you've got incredibly battered here OP, fwiw, I didn't think YWBU at the start and I still don't. Your OH needs to realise he's got a family now and although his world need not stop turning it needs to turn differently.

Surely he can see that you're tired and finding it a challenge atm? He should be stepping up to help you out not running off for 4 nights to get pissed with his father and brother!

merrymouse · 02/10/2014 07:54

Birthday weekend is not unreasonable. However he needs to reciprocate. It seems he already owes you some time off.

He is having a giraffe with his slush fund from before you met, particularly while you are on maternity leave.

It seems as though the balance of responsibility when it comes to your child is very much tipped in his favour.

I am sure there are plenty of family expenses towards which this slush find could contribute. The idea that you can be in overdraft and he can have a special fund for jollies is completely nuts.

merrymouse · 02/10/2014 07:55

Slush fund

doziedoozie · 02/10/2014 07:58

Jeesh, 4 days on your own?!

Just think of the parents of DCs whose partner works away regularly or single parents???

Irritating yes, unfair not if it's a one off.

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