To be annoyed with DH and FIL for going on holiday without me and dumping me with the baby?

[wolfgirl83]

It's FIL's 70th birthday and he wanted to do a trip to a city in Europe with his sons, DH and his bro. Fine. But rather than planning something where we could all go along, FIL decided he wanted a 'boys weekend' where he could go out drinking every night. So if I went along he'd expect DH to go out drinking every night and me stay in hotel with the baby. Also he didn't seem keen on making concessions for baby during the day when sightseeing etc. My brother in law I think encouraged him to plan it this way. His girlfriend isn't coming either as she will be too heavily pregnant to travel then.

Am I being unreasonable to think it's a bit off to deliberately plan a 'family' holiday that excludes your only grandchild and DIL? I possibly could have insisted on going along, but then I felt I would not have been wanted, plus wouldn't have had much fun sat in the hotel by myself.

My DH feels guilty but didn't push it. He says it's a special occasion as it's his 70th, which is a fair point. I just think it's a bit odd to expect your son to ditch his wife and baby for 4 nights and come drinking in Europe. Maybe I'm wrong though? Our baby is 10 months, really quite a demanding little boy and I'm slightly dreading being left to it. DH has never even had him for a full day by himself, let alone overnight! :(

But tell me AIBU, and if so I'll try to just get over it! ;)

i think the idea was reasonable to have a boys holiday, but it would have been more reasonable if they had done this before your baby and SIl's pregnancy

So celebrate his 70th birthday a yr and a half before?

That's ridiculous.

Not as ridiculous as people who can't cope looking after their own baby though (medical conditions aside) and panic when the dh/Dw dares go go out

Last year, for her 80th birthday, my mum decided she wanted to go away with just me and my sister (mum is a widow) - so dh was left to look after the house and the dses (who are older than the OP's child, but there are three of them and two dogs, so not an inconsiderable task), and dsis's dh was left behind too.

Mum wanted the time with my sister and me - and even though she enjoys spending time with the wider family, both my dh and dses and my sister's dh, for this special holiday, she wanted just immediate family - and we were all happy to accomodate this.

I won't be doing it again, though, even if she reaches 90 - it was the most stressful week's holiday I have ever had! Mum and dsis are, and always have been, very close - they share a lot of interests (cricket, Only Connect, the Guardian cryptic crossword, neolithic history), which I didn't share, at that time, so I felt very excluded. Plus they had both been to the holiday destination before, and dsis is very good at being superior, when she knows more than I do - which was a lot of the time.

Tbh, it was only having access to the internet that maintained the final shred of my sanity - I ranted to friends in a secret FB group, and to dh on email. Less than 48 hours into the holiday, he knew the times and seat availability on every flight off the island where we were holidaying, and could have got me home, if I had finally cracked!

It would be off to deliberately plan a family holiday that excludes some members, but this isn't a family holiday -- it's a bit of a jolly for him and his sons to celebrate a big one-off birthday.

So YABU. But, on a separate note, it's about time your DH did get used to looking after his son for a full day by himself.

My FIL did something similar for his 50th. A holiday for his son and wife, excluding his daughter and me. He tries to do it every year now. I'm always torn on whether it's unfair or not... It uses a lot of DPs time and money, and undoubtedly reduces the holidays that we can go on. I hate being on my own, though, so it's probably influenced through that!

I've got through every year so far, and I'm getting better. I hope it's not too bad for you.

I just think it's very sad that the OP begrudges her DP spending time with his Dad on what is a special occasion. As someone else said, this is what memories are made of and everyone should think that they will possibly be in that position one day. Your DCs will have married, left home or whatever and you just want that short break to celebrate a milestone birthday with your children but you have your DILs wanting to come along. Occasions like this are fleeting and precious and should be grabbed with both hands, it's lovely he gets on with his DF so well and actually wants to do it.

Sorry Opbut I think YABU. It's a special birthday and your FIL clearly wants to spend it with his sons. Nothing odd or wrong with that. Send your DH with your blessing so they can have a nice time. Don't give your DH the guilt trip, its really not a family holiday

I have a 9 month old and four days is nothing. DH went to the Far East on business for two weeks when DD was 8 months old. I coped fine with it. Hard work at times but you just get on with it.

I am going on a hen party for 5 nights soon. DH has to sort DD out. It swings in round about s.

Ok fair enough seems I've got my answer!

Thanks to those who gave helpful replies. I guess I should have said that it was originally framed as a family holiday by FIL, and we were invited specifically. It just then seemed to morph into a drinking holiday, with me expected to stay in the hotel. OH has been on 2 stag weekends since the baby, so it's not that I have an issue with him going away to have fun. I just think it's a bit odd how FIL handled it. But I guess I should think of it as a boy's weekend that just happens to be with his dad! His mum passed away 6 years ago so it's just them. They do see an awful lot of each other and he spends time up in London with his dad on his own at least once a month.

Just to clarify; my baby is still breastfeeding and wakes up several times a night, which is solely on me, and I'm still on ML; I am not 'afraid' to spend time with him, I spend 24 hours a day with him! And I am very very tired so I do often need OH to give me a break for half an hour, that's why it's going to be hard, rather then suggestions I don't enjoy spending time with my baby or digs about 'nagging partners' . Bit harsh I think, I was only asking. Thanks to SolomanDaisy for standing up for me here!

Don't worry, I was def going to send DH off with a smile and not make him feel bad as it's my FIL I'm a bit miffed with, not him. But I will do my best to just let it go and not be annoyed any more, thanks! :)

Well I'm obviously different to everyone here as I'd be pissed off. I wouldn't want to stay home while my husband went drinking for four days.

Based on your second post YANBU. You were invited on a family holiday and have been demoted to evening babysitting duties while the others get pissed and then have to put up I guess in a hotel room when H comes back.

How about your H and you split the nights out?

How far gone is the other person? If she is going to be really close to due date the father would be unreasonable to go away at this time and it should be planned for earlier or later.

So then the answer is, why doesn't your DH go for 2 nights rather than 4 (flying home early)? If anyone kicks up a fuss he just tells them that 4 was fine when it was a family holiday but he doesn't want to be away for as long without you both or leave you to be sole parent for that amount of time.

Just because FiL suggests / tells / asks doesn't mean anyone has to do it.

well done for coming back after that barrage for YABUs!

Could you go and stay with your folks or friends while he's away? I would head up to my mum's if DH was away for a couple of nights, she didn't really help much but it was nice to be with someone else.

also - your DH needs to start having the baby on his own. Take yourself off for a few hours at the weekend and leave them to it. Cos you really don't want to get several years down the line and that still be the case (which I've read more times than I like on MN). Even if you're bfing there's no reason at 10 months why you can't leave him for a bit.

RubbishTiming no it doesnt make it wrong but also we dont know the family dynamic of the OP. For my DH once he hit about 18 he stopped holidaying with his parents. From that point on he went on holiday with friends, me, DCs.

Well, if there is the money for two stag weekends, even if FIL is paying for this, there is money for you to go off and have fun without your OH and the baby too.

It may not be four days in a row (unless you WANT it to be), but I think it should go in the calendar pretty damn soon. And no, your OH does not, I repeat NOT, get to spend those days 'visiting his parents' ie offloading drudge care of your child onto them. No. Make it quite clear that for the sake of your partnership and your respect for him as a father, YOUR trip is just as much about you being able to specifically hand over sole care of your baby to his father, and see that father step up as an equally hands-on, does-not-need-babyistting-to-care-for-his-own-child PARENT as it is about you getting free time.

Just out of interest, a few years ago, I was still breastfeeding one of mine at 17 months when I went away on a work thing for 5 nights/7 days. Carried on breastfeeding afterwards with no problems. Bf needn't be the issue if in e.g. 4-5 months or so you take a few days away, to see friends or whatever. It very much likely wouldn't be an issue now for a night or two :)

I think your doing the right thing OP. Just make sure you have a break lined up for yourself for next year!

I can understand where your coming from in that FIL could have positioned it better, but I think it's better they go alone than trying to make it into an adults weekend family holiday hybrid, which sounds like a nightmare.

Wow OP epic drip feed there!!

You somehow failed to mentiont that it was changed from a family holiday to boys weekend and that your husband's been on two stag weekends?!

I'd be pissed off too, both at the change from family to boys' hol (effectively uninviting you) and being left alone while your DH gets a jolly - but if you're BF then it's probably not like you could just do the same right now anyway, and as others have said, it's FIL's 70th so his choice and it is a big birthday, he's lucky to be fit enough to entertain something like this! My dad would love it but sadly isn't in good enough health. I think it will be a lovely memory of a special occasion.

Like PPs, I do think you should plan a weekend away yourself later on, but also think you and your DH should try to arrange some sort of support for you while your DH is away - maybe a friend could come stay so you can get your half hour (or more) of peace, or you could book a babysitter for an afternoon or something - just so you know you will have at least a short break from full-time caring for your baby, same as you would have had with DH at home. Good luck and hope it works out

Thanks v much to those who have responded a bit more gently, was feeling a bit harassed there! :) I appreciate the word 'dumped' was not the right one to use in my original post, I phrased it poorly, but I do love how people have jumped to some odd conclusions about my relationship with my baby...

And one or 2 people at least thought I might have a point, that's something!

Someone asked about the other partner; she is not about to pop (hopefully!), but it's twins so there is a much lower limit on flying as I understand.

Those that have suggested scheduling in a holiday myself or at least some time off, very good idea! I'm unlikely to be able to go away on hol for a while I think, as a few people have suggested, it's a money issue, and FIL is paying/ heavily subsidising. Also OH has some old personal savings from before we met that he uses for things like the stag weekends v occasionally, whereas I have a big fat overdraft! Again not his fault but hard not to feel a weeny bit resentful that he can afford things like this when I can't :(

But we do really need to get OH used to being alone with the baby. This is not really his fault (and unlike what some have suggested I am not in any way bashing my OH anywhere in this thread!), but the baby won't take a bottle, and even though he can now go half a day without being BF, OH is still a bit nervous about him suddenly needing a feed I think. I'll get planning some time off somehow! :)

Wow OP epic drip feed there!!

I didn't mean to 'drip feed' whatever that is backbystealth; presumably you think I did it on purpose to cause drama or something?! I really didn't, I was worried my OP was too long (I tend to over explain and write essays!) and I was typing in a hurry. I didn't realise it would come across to everyone as if it had been planned as a boy's holiday from the start, but rereading it I can see that that's totally what it sounds like, sorry.

TBH, even with the drip feed. I still wouldn't want to go on a city break under these circumstances. Clearly their going to get pissed. Just let him o and don't stress it.

well, he needs to sort himself out then, if the baby doesn't need a feed for that long he'll survive, sounds like your OH is being pretty feeble.

And what's this 'he has money of his own' meaning he gets jollies and you don't? You're a family now, with (I would hope!) family money!

The main issue here is access to money. H and I have our own money but while I am on leave we are sharing funds, you shouldn't be struggling.

Not being on his own with the baby yet isn't that unusual or that big a deal when you have a breast feeding mother on maternity leave. Once you go back to work it will happen and I'm assuming that he is good with the baby so should manage it as well as you do! After all, you are both his parents.

It seems unfortunate that there is several big events in one year (birthday, stags) but it seems to always happen that way then you have none for years!

We do have shared funds, it's just that he has an extra emergency/slush fund of personal money. Wasn't sure it would be fair to ask him to make that joint as well...what do you think? Joint finances is tricky!

Thanks Nicknacky, and you're right, I'm sure he will manage fine once I have to go back to work! He is great with the baby, but baby is v much a mamma's boy at the moment, separation anxiety phase!

Well, you need to talk to him about that. It doesn't matter what the rest of us do because everyone has different opinions. I did have to point out it h that he had to transfer money to me as it didn't occur to him as he doesn't usually have to transfer, iyswim. It's not financial abuse but just whatever works! My h is generous to a fault usually.

That wasn't a drip feed. It was a totally different situation. You really need to decide which it was. I suspect the first, but the second got more sympathy didn't it...