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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with DH and FIL for going on holiday without me and dumping me with the baby?

174 replies

wolfgirl83 · 01/10/2014 11:25

It's FIL's 70th birthday and he wanted to do a trip to a city in Europe with his sons, DH and his bro. Fine. But rather than planning something where we could all go along, FIL decided he wanted a 'boys weekend' where he could go out drinking every night. So if I went along he'd expect DH to go out drinking every night and me stay in hotel with the baby. Also he didn't seem keen on making concessions for baby during the day when sightseeing etc. My brother in law I think encouraged him to plan it this way. His girlfriend isn't coming either as she will be too heavily pregnant to travel then.

Am I being unreasonable to think it's a bit off to deliberately plan a 'family' holiday that excludes your only grandchild and DIL? I possibly could have insisted on going along, but then I felt I would not have been wanted, plus wouldn't have had much fun sat in the hotel by myself.

My DH feels guilty but didn't push it. He says it's a special occasion as it's his 70th, which is a fair point. I just think it's a bit odd to expect your son to ditch his wife and baby for 4 nights and come drinking in Europe. Maybe I'm wrong though? Our baby is 10 months, really quite a demanding little boy and I'm slightly dreading being left to it. DH has never even had him for a full day by himself, let alone overnight! :(

But tell me AIBU, and if so I'll try to just get over it! ;)

OP posts:
RiverTam · 01/10/2014 14:27

I don't agree, Chipping - I had vaguely wondered if that's what had happened when reading the OP, as no-one would confuse a lads' holiday with a family trip, and she mentioned being in the city. Which is why I'm glad I didn't comment before she came back Grin.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/10/2014 14:31

YABU about the break but two things need to be sorted out here.

One is the whole of bloody MN is BU about birthdays. For some reason a 70 yo man is allowed to be entirely precious about going away, solely with his sons on his birthday but if a woman with children wants a card she is an ENTITLED PRINCESS.

The other is that your DH is now going to have had three breaks and you have an overdraft and no time off. That is unfair and he should know that. Slush fund pays the overdraft and you are all in this together. Especially since your earning power is diminished by ML. Exactly how do you pay off your overdraft in that case?

ChippingInLatteLover · 01/10/2014 14:39

I disagree RiverTam

It's FIL's 70th birthday and he wanted to do a trip to a city in Europe with his sons, DH and his bro

But rather than planning something where we could all go along, FIL decided he wanted a 'boys weekend' where he could go out drinking every night

So if I went along he'd expect DH to go out drinking every night and me stay in hotel with the baby. Also he didn't seem keen on making concessions for baby during the day when sightseeing etc

I possibly could have insisted on going along, but then I felt I would not have been wanted, plus wouldn't have had much fun sat in the hotel by myself

My DH feels guilty but didn't push it. He says it's a special occasion as it's his 70th, which is a fair point

None of that sounds even vaguely like - let's have a family holiday. The second post is very 'oh gosh, no one is agreeing with me, let's completely change my OP' Hmm

formerbabe · 01/10/2014 15:02

Yabu...it sounds like a father/son bonding trip. If the other wives/girlfriends/grandkids were going and you weren't, that would be an issue but its clearly an all male weekend away.

Original poster
wolfgirl83 · 01/10/2014 15:24

Thank you RiverTam. I admit it did phrase it badly. But if it had been a boy's holiday from the start, there would never have been any question of my and baby going, or BIL's partner. I guess in my head that went without saying, but I didn't spell it out when I should of. The 'FIL expecting me to stay in the hotel' bit is only relevant cos he's invited us to come along. I realise I said he wanted to do a trip with his sons, but I meant as in he was inviting just family members, and to make it clear there were only the 3 of them in the family. It's a small family (FIL, OH and BIL plus me, baby and SIL).

I realise that if it had always been a boys hol, the bit about me insisting on going would make me sound a bit mental; but that wasn't the case! Apparently FIL does quite want me and the baby to come, just not to 'get in the way'... It all came about cos FIL was unsure what he actually wanted, I think. He liked the vague idea of a family holiday and invited us all, but then didn't like the reality of a baby coming, but didn't actually address this properly.

I apologise again for not being clear, I'm very sorry (and v sleep deprived!).

But Chipping if you refuse to believe that I'm not lying, I'm not sure why you're still commenting on my post TBH?

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 01/10/2014 15:29

To be honest, it doesn't really matter that he changed his mind as that was his prerogative. He had a few options, mulled it over and this is what he wanted so personally I wouldn't waste time being annoyed at a perceived change of plan.

TortoiseUpATreeAgain · 01/10/2014 15:33

Ah, right -- yes, if it was presented that way then YANBU. It's more than a little arsey to invite you on a holiday and then expect you to toddle off with the baby while the Men do Man Things in the evenings.

And I agree with MrsTP's second paragraph: "The other is that your DH is now going to have had three breaks and you have an overdraft and no time off. That is unfair and he should know that. Slush fund pays the overdraft and you are all in this together. Especially since your earning power is diminished by ML. Exactly how do you pay off your overdraft in that case?"

Loveloveloveher · 01/10/2014 15:33

Well I'm in the minority here then because I think the OP has every right to see it as a bit off. This isn't a night or a weekend away but four nights away. When you have a young baby it's a big ask to expect your partner to deal with things alone while you swan off for a 5 day piss up.

I think your FIL and OH are being unreasonable.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 01/10/2014 15:57

Yanbu
They are being a bit selfish imo.
Get used to it tough.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 01/10/2014 15:58

Tough = though.

KERALA1 · 01/10/2014 16:02

I see dhs odd weekends away as a good chance to have single friends to stay. They get on with dh but there is often the gooseberry dynamic. Also builds up brownie points for my own weekends away which he of course is fine with. Your position abit odd sorry op

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed · 01/10/2014 16:08

I don't think you're being unreasonable. I'd be pretty pissed off if my DH had three breaks in ten months and I hadn't had one. Even more so if I was also taking care of a baby 24/7.

I can understand your FIL wanting to spend time with his sons - I have grown up children myself - but this seems excessive. I can't imagine taking my children on holiday and leaving their partners and children at home. It would be very unfair. Couldn't your FIl do something else with his sons and go on the pub crawl with some of his friends?

skylark2 · 01/10/2014 16:18

"the baby won't take a bottle"

He's ten months old. In another few weeks you'd be being recommended to get rid of the bottle even if he would take one. Give it a couple more months and he'll be fine with solids and a cup of milk, even if he's also still breastfeeding.

At that point, I would strongly advise you to make a point of going out and leaving your OH to look after him. It's in both their interests that "mummy can't be there for a few hours / couple of days, so daddy's looking after you" isn't a distressing major crisis.

RiverTam · 01/10/2014 16:28

wow, patronising much, Chipping with your bolded cut'n'paste job there? However, you edited out the bit that made me think what I did, which I'll bold for you now so there's no mistaking it:

Am I being unreasonable to think it's a bit off to deliberately plan a 'family' holiday that excludes your only grandchild and DIL?

that sentence made me think that one kind of holiday had morphed into another.

alright?

jeez.

HavanaSlife · 01/10/2014 16:34

A cup of milk? My 20 month old still wont take milk out of anything but me. He has water in a cup but anything else is spat back out.

Viviennemary · 01/10/2014 16:39

I personally can't see the harm in this. Your DH is just have a few days with his family. But even so I'd still be a bit irritated by it.

skylark2 · 01/10/2014 16:40

You're right, it wouldn't have to be a cup of milk - my DD stopped drinking milk out of anything except me at about 10 months (cue lots of very milky recipes). What I was getting at was that he's nearly at an age where he's not going to be EBF, not because he'll take a bottle, but because he's having a varied diet which anyone can feed him.

skylark2 · 01/10/2014 16:40

Ack. Anything INCLUDING me. Finger failure.

Alisvolatpropiis · 01/10/2014 17:40

Yabu

heraldgerald · 01/10/2014 17:54

Why do posters always go on the attack? Someone stressed out enough to post on here gets even more stressed justifying and re-wording. Op if I was you, I'd be pissed off. It's not inclusive or family friendly. Frankly my fil wouldn't dream of doing this. Dils and gcs are part of the package and he wouldn't want them left out.
Yeah it's not long it's not a big deal etc.... But I get why you'd be upset about it.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 01/10/2014 18:00

Do you honestly see it as your husband "dumping " you with your own child? Poor little baby.

It's a special trip and your FIL is entitled to invite whoever he wants on it. If he wants a special 70th birthday piss-up break with his sons I don't see any need to disappointed that you weren't invited.

HaroldLloyd · 01/10/2014 18:09

Wolfie, why the Jeff have you got an overdraft yet DH has some savings for jollies?

That's not right.

RubbishTiming · 01/10/2014 18:13

The OP specifically asked if she was BU, and that she would 'get over it' if we thought she was. A good 90% of posters are in agreement that she is indeed BU...

A DH going away with his widowed father to celebrate his 70th birthday sounds like a very good thing to do.

Celticlass2 · 01/10/2014 18:33

I actually find it astonishing that you are surprised that a 70 year old man would want to spend a short trip for a special birthday with a 10 month old baby. Why on earth would he?
Also, why are you dreading spending time with your own baby. It's 5 nights fgs. Get a grip.

de1este · 01/10/2014 18:46

You are being appallingly unreasonable