to think Restorative Practice is a steaming pile of horseshit?

[BunnyLebowski]

DD is in Yr 1.

I was waiting for her outside her classroom today. The windows look onto their cloakroom.

I looked through the window and saw DD sitting on the bench changing her shoes. A (much larger) boy in her class (who I have seen act badly and have heard unpleasant things about) was standing over her slightly to the side. He was leaning over her somewhat intimidatingly. DD smiled at him uncertainly. He then pushed his whole body into her and pinched her extremely hard on the upper arm while staring manically at her. DD shrieked and exploded into tears.

I almost broke the window banging it at him. The wee fucker .

I immediately knocked on the door and explained what I'd seen to the teaching assistant.

DD's took them both into a room and then came out and explained their policy of Restorative Practice and asked if I would be willing to sit down with DD, her and the little turd boy.

DD got a halfassed apology and the teacher said that he was standing up for a friend that DD had been bossy to (she can be verbally bossy and we don't tolerate it - it happens very rarely and she's a star pupil). I told the teacher that I refused to accept that physical violence is an acceptable way of standing up for your friends. The boy was unfazed. Why wouldn't he be when there are no consequences for his appalling actions?

We left and came home. I am still raging and plan to ask the the teacher tomorrow whether or not his parents have been informed. I think they should be.

AIBU to think that this softly softly way of dealing with bad behaviour is not doing our kids any favours? Before anyone leaps on me, I'm obviously not saying bring back the cane but the boy should lose some of his privileges or incur some form of punishment for his behaviour?

Disclaimer: DD is my PFB and my celtic blood is up.

AIBU?

Some of these posts are nuts. If banging on a window is not going to shock other children, why bother? It won't bother the perpetrator, if that is your logic

OP, Banging on a window until it is almost broken in a School where the children are 4 upwards is totally unacceptable. I do not dispute children know the difference between right and wrong but this is a separate issue.

You probably had absolutely no impact on the badly behaved child, rather just upset those in close proximity who would just see a stranger losing it a little.

The School may or may not have dealt with this effectively but your behaviour came before the RJ and IMHO was questionable at the least.

Do you really blame the OP for instinctively doing what she could to stop another child from physically hurting her DD?

Words fail me.

Sorry, I didn't realise an adult banging on a window and almost smashing it was an effective, instinctive technique to guarantee stopping a child from physically hurting another. In my experience that sort of behaviour particularly when dealing with children in a school environment is counterproductive.

Perhaps if OP had manhandled the "wee fucker" to the floor and frogmarched him to the Head this would send a clear message out.

I think you should make an appointment to talk to the school to clarify what is going on. Have they had a parent's meeting to explain restorative practice? I would not assume that every last teacher at the school is a wishy washy idiot who just goes along with the latest behaviour management fad. There must be some reason for them to use this technique. However, do they use it all the time? Do they use other behaviour management tools?

It does seem inappropriate for the victim to always be responsible for setting boundaries and deciding how to manage the situation, particularly when they are only 5. However, I agree with others that you may not have seen the whole picture.

The boy's size and things you have heard about him aren't relevant, although I can see that you were upset when you wrote your OP.

"I am sceptical that the OP child is completely blameless. A good school would want to know what triggered the boy to pinch or throw the shoes."

God, that is vile. Really, really vile.

ReallyTired,

I think the OP commenting "with respect do Fuck off" or words to that effect sums her attitude up. This translates as "with no respect at all".

You have made some well reasoned points.

OP has posted on AIBU. She is being unreasonable IMO if the facts are as presented. This is based on her calling restorative justice a steaming pile of horseshit based on one isolated instance in a specific school with a specific member of staff (it is like saying any method of rectifying a problem is a pile of horseshit based on it not succeeding in a specific case). Her behaviour in the School before the RJ is also unreasonable. If she labelled the perpertrator a "wee fucker" and a "little turd" it would be interesting to see what onlookers would label a grown adult behaving like she has in a primary School. I would have thought both staff and students would have been .

Clearly OP knows her behaviour was reasonable and has decided RJ is a pile of horseshit so perhaps shouldn't have bothered posing the question as she is clearly not going to change her mind

Thank you for the supportive posts .

I'm not going to waste my time responding to the hysterical and incorrect ones. My posts were written when I was angry and in shock and while I regret some of the language I used, I wholeheartedly stand by my actions in stopping the attack and reporting it to the teachers.

The boy hurt DD again today. He deliberately pushed another pupil into her at playtime headbutting her and causing her to bite her tongue.

The school has finally reacted properly and 'informally excluded' him for the afternoon. As of tomorrow he will be monitored at all times by a member of staff and will be kept away from DD in the playground. The Headteacher is now aware and was involved in today's aftermath.

I was reassured that DD's safety and happiness is the priority and that she is being treated as the "innocent victim" that she is. She was quite upset but cake and cartoons are helping .

I now have to put my faith in the teachers and trust that nothing else will happen. I just want DD to be happy and safe and enjoy this important first stage of her education.

Although I have no reason to disbelieve the OP, I suspect that from the teacher's point of view she had earlier seen the OP's daughter behaving less than perfectly towards this boy, didn't see the pinching incident, and, faced with an irate parent who wasn't a neutral observer, tried to do what she could in the moment.

This may not have been a perfect demonstration of either restorative practice or the school's discipline policy.

Sorry, I didn't realise an adult banging on a window and almost smashing it was an effective, instinctive technique to guarantee stopping a child from physically hurting another.

I'm intrigued as to how you would stop a child in his tracks, if you were outside a building with only glass inbetween you. Presumably you would use the power of the mind or just watch your child being battered and stand there, applauding?

Great that they are monitoring him. Informal exclusion is really not dealing with the problem, but that isn't your issue.

merrymouse my DD has not provoked this boy in any way. This has been confirmed by staff on each of the three days that she has been attacked.

They spent time today trying to find out from this boy why he has chosen her to pick on as they are just as mystified as we are.

If you feel the need to make stuff up to reinforce your opinion of me as a bad guy then knock yourself out. To me it smacks of victim blaming.

Ribena I presume these posters would just stand there mute and watch their DC being attacked. All part of school life eh? Only on MN .

About time they did something a little more proactive! thank goodness. Hope this is the end of it, Bunny

Thank you Thumb

What is "vile, really, really vile" about effectively investigating an incident? It is professional and appropriate to get the whole picture in order to deal with this situation calmly and correctly.

Bad behaviour should have fitting consequences and steps should be taken to prevent future repetition. RJ and/or other sanctions, when given and explained clearly can be very effective in my experience.

The OP is understandably angry by what she has witnessed but IMO has not behaved reasonably. It would be interesting to hear what her other experiences of RJ she has to label it horseshit (?)

the teacher said that he was standing up for a friend that DD had been bossy to

Obviously I have limited information, but I know that both my children can be bossy in a very obnoxious way. I am not saying your DD deserved to be physically attacked. Perhaps she was just standing up for herself and wasn't bossy at all (see Emma Watson).

I am just trying to see the situation from the Point of view of the teacher based on what you have written.

I don't have any other experiences of it tally.

My DD has never been involved in any disciplinary situations before either as a victim or a perpetrator.

I think the very fact that the boy went on to repeatedly attack my DD twice more in as many days is irrefutable proof that IN THIS SITUATION the Restorative Practice approach didn't work. All that was asked of him was to offer DD an empty 'sorry'. Not much of a deterrent.

Hopefully the more strident tactics that are now in place will be more productive and will keep her safe.

Informal exclusion? They are taking it much more seriously than the initial reaction indicated. :)

FunkyBoldRibena,

I wouldn't bang on a window until it nearly smashed (as a grown adult) in order to scare a "wee fucker" = I would stand and applaud whilst my child got beaten up .

Are you for real?

merry the teacher said that she thought he might have been acting out of a misguided sense of loyalty to the girl that DD had been bossy to. DD hadn't actually interacted with him at all. It seemed like the teacher was clutching at straws tbh and immediately backtracked and said that this was no excuse for his behaviour.

And as I said, DD had already apologised to this girl and they were friends again. DD made her a sorry card and they were playing together today. We don't tolerate her acting this way and support the school in whatever they do to help stop it.

That said, her being momentarily bossy to a third party child is no justification for her being physically hurt by this boy.

Informal exclusion is an awful way to deal with behaviour. It is just turning the problem over to the parent. This is pointless because if the parent is the problem they aren't going to do anything and if the child has other issues and difficulties they aren't being addressed. It doesn't define any boundaries. All it does is give the impression that the school can't cope. Restorative practice followed by exclusion sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Again, that isn't the OP's problem, but it does sound as though they are floundering a bit.

Well, how would you stop a child attacking another child from behind a locked door? Ask him how pinching another person made them feel?

I'm very much on the thinking of hearing everyone's side of the story usually, however, if I was to see someone physically hurting DS or DD I would be banging on a window, as that would be my instinctive reaction. This little boy may have a horrible home life, he may not, but that's not the OP's job to assess, is it? I don't agree with some of the language Bunny used, but she's already said she regrets some of the language used. And she used it here, on an anonymous forum. If this sort of behaviour is the norm for this boy, then perhaps seeing Bunny all ablaze may have shocked him into thinking it's not normal or acceptable behaviour.

Just to clarify, the informal exclusion was for this afternoon only.

He'll be back at school as normal tomorrow with the added supervision.

I have no idea whether this is a good approach or not as I have zero experience of this kind of thing and don't know that Mich about schools and their policies.

Selfishly I was glad that DD didn't have to worry about another attack this afternoon though .