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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not like porn and would prefer my husband not to watch it?

135 replies

Bambambini · 25/09/2014 21:12

Been on another site and there is an ongoing discussion on women's views on porn. Am I really just insecure and out of step and controlling and being disrespectful if I don't agree with porn or if I preferred that my husband didn't watch it.

A woman on the site was asking opinions as she's not to happy with her other half watching it. Now it seems she is doubting her self and thinks it's down to her insecurities as most of the others seem to see at as just a harmless thing most guys do, especially it seems it's an essential part to jacking off.

I'm curious as to how folk see it here - am I just old, prudish and totally out of step - to say nothing of being obviously insecure and controlling and disrespectful? I just felt so frustrated with what I was reading and that some of the young posters were doubting their reservations and being swayed by the hip and cool porn lovers.

OP posts:
rainbowinmyroom · 25/09/2014 21:13

I think it's vile and is a dealbreaker to me.

GilesGirl · 25/09/2014 21:15

The porn industry sucks. Porn/erotic itself is great. I have no problem with anyone watching it. Including my husband.

GilesGirl · 25/09/2014 21:15

Erotica! Smile

LittlePeaPod · 25/09/2014 21:16

This one has been done quite a lot on MN. General view on MN seems to always be majority against.

notagainffffffffs · 25/09/2014 21:17

I hate it. Yanbu.

DecisionsDecisionss · 25/09/2014 21:18

Yanbu, it is awful and misogynistic.

Nicknacky · 25/09/2014 21:18

You aren't unreasonable to not like it, and prefer your h not to watch it but that's as far as that goes.

Other people, including your h might like to watch it. Doesn't make anyone right or wrong.

Original poster
Bambambini · 25/09/2014 21:18

But if you think the industry sucks, can porn really be great then. I understand that you can be turned on by it even if you disagree with it and the whole industry. But how can you reconcile to watching it if you don't like or agree with the industry?

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 25/09/2014 21:19

It is neither "hip" nor "cool" to enjoy pornographic imagery (even if you are sure that what you are viewing is not coercive).

It is a personal preference, and it is not compulsory to like it. This is not a sign of "insecurities", it is simple a choice and a healthy one.

Mismatch in this may or may not be a sign io important mismatch in the whole relationship (in terms of shared ethos, boundaries, morals, world view). You need to sort this out between the two individuals in a couple.

But if something makes you uncomfortable at heart, a relationship in which it features may not be the right one for you.

WorraLiberty · 25/09/2014 21:20

This has been done to death so there'll be plenty of opinions to read up on

YANBU not to like it

YABU to describe people who do as 'hip and cool porn lovers'

It's just as annoying/silly as the phrase 'cool wives'.

Original poster
Bambambini · 25/09/2014 21:21

Or is it that young women now see it in a totally different light to many older women like myself. Is it just much more acceptable now and seen as an everyday part of the relationship?

OP posts:
Nicknacky · 25/09/2014 21:23

Does it really matter what the younger generation thinks? What's important are the views contained in your own relationship, not others.

Original poster
Bambambini · 25/09/2014 21:27

"YABU to describe people who do as 'hip and cool porn lovers"

I used that phrase as that is exactly the message I was getting from those who watch it or are happy for their partners to watch it. They seem to see that those that do have a problem with it are just insecure, controlling and being disrespectful to their partners wants.

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 25/09/2014 21:27

Its up to each couple what they decide to do.
I'm always surprised at how many people complain about their oh watching porn. surely it doesn't come as a shock because if its a deal breaker you would discuss this when first getting together.
Don't people communicate anymore?
We both knew each others views on most things after a few months, especially something like porn.

Sickoffrozen · 25/09/2014 21:28

My DP got me to watch some with him once. I said "I'm surprised you wanted me to watch this really, I'm starting to wonder if the guys on screen are abnormal or you are on the small side" funnily enough he didn't ask me again! I'm not fussed either way

WorraLiberty · 25/09/2014 21:29

If that's the message you got from those particular posters then fair enough

Other people just simply watch porn

WorraLiberty · 25/09/2014 21:30

Wow that was nasty Sickoffrozen! Sad

cherrybombxo · 25/09/2014 21:32

To answer the older vs younger women question, I'm 24 and porn makes me feel sick. I hate the idea of my DP watching it but we just don't talk about it at all. It's an issue I ignore because I'd really rather not know.

vestandknickers · 25/09/2014 21:32

If you don't like it, don't watch it.

I'm assuming your DH is a grown man so surely he can watch whatever he likes.

picnicbasketcase · 25/09/2014 21:33

I would prefer him not to, but I can't force him not to, and it's not something I would leave him over.

Original poster
Bambambini · 25/09/2014 21:33

"Does it really matter what the younger generation thinks? What's important are the views contained in your own relationship, not others."

Yes it does matter what they think if the proliferation of porn, much of it pretty vile is being seen as a must for relationships, that to not like it is seen as being insecure, disrespectful and controlling - that young girls/ women should be living up to this image. I have children, I have sons - of course it matters and the message they are getting about porn these days.

OP posts:
IHeartLockhart · 25/09/2014 21:35

Yanbu not to like it. I think some of the hard core stuff is actually damaging to a person, it's totally unrealistic and can easily put them off normal, loving sex.

Personally I can't see the harm in the stuff my DP uses (amateur porn, very soft) but I can't say I love him using it either.

We found a good compromise where we took some sexy videos and pictures of ourselves and he uses them the majority of the time. We top them up every now again to keep the variety up!
Do you think you and your DH would find that useful? Or would you rather he used no erotic imagery at all?

Nicknacky · 25/09/2014 21:35

What I mean is, what difference does it make to your relationship? None.

Plenty of women, young and older like porn for many reasons. It's not a new thing, just more easily accessible with the internet.

FreudiansSlipper · 25/09/2014 21:35

Porn is having a very detrimental impact on our society and its worrying how it is influencing men and women

Of course no one has to like it nothing to do with being a insecure, old fashioned or a prude

There is nothing wrong with erotica but the porn industry is a nasty horrible industry that exploits so many I would ask why someone gets enjoyment out of that

riverboat1 · 25/09/2014 21:36

There is a sound basis for not liking the porn industry and not wanting to be in a relationship with someone who watches porn.

Equally, many people consider porn to be mainstream and there is certainly a case to be made that it is more common for men to access it than not.

Personally I think it's something to be addressed in the early stages of a relationship so that everyone knows where they stand.