To not like porn and would prefer my husband not to watch it?

[Bambambini]

Been on another site and there is an ongoing discussion on women's views on porn. Am I really just insecure and out of step and controlling and being disrespectful if I don't agree with porn or if I preferred that my husband didn't watch it.

A woman on the site was asking opinions as she's not to happy with her other half watching it. Now it seems she is doubting her self and thinks it's down to her insecurities as most of the others seem to see at as just a harmless thing most guys do, especially it seems it's an essential part to jacking off.

I'm curious as to how folk see it here - am I just old, prudish and totally out of step - to say nothing of being obviously insecure and controlling and disrespectful? I just felt so frustrated with what I was reading and that some of the young posters were doubting their reservations and being swayed by the hip and cool porn lovers.

I did point out earlier that accessibility for porn is now easier but the content will still be the same as is was in years gone by.

Like I said, you can only let your children, and your husband know your feelings and if they choose to view it that's up to them. Let's face it, you are unlikely to know if they do view it and enjoy it!

Sure they did. They passed magazines around the schoolyard when they were 11/12 that they stole from their dad's stash.

Maybe not quite as easy as logging into a free porn site. But not as inaccessable as you think it was.

I've looked at some modern porn and TBH - a lot of it looks like women being tortured.

Do lots of women really like rough anal sex that goes on for a long period of time? And not find it horribly painful? And like double penetration and being pounded for hours? Contorted into odd positions, semi-choked, physically hurled around by multiple partners? There seems to be an awful lot of that type of porn online.

I'd be concerned about what it was doing to my partner's sexual imagination if he was using it regularly.

The ease of accessibility is scary. But any wide ranging effects can be countered by providing a bit of context. Like I said up thread; talking about the human rights and ethical issues.

And that's within your control OP.

Well, yeah of course some women like that. Not everyone likes the same thing and not everyone likes slow gentle sex. Rough sex between consenting partners isn't a bad thing, sex isn't all about mens desires.

Well, I do not think there is nothing wrong with men watching porn at all. I think you will find the majority of men watch it... My husband does, why should it bother me?. Its me he loves and goes to bed with at night. We have no problems in our sex life, so why would it bother me. If porn comes between you in a relationship, then yes, you do have a problem, but if you have a good sex life, then why not... Hell i like a bit of porn on occasion.

Half the time men only hide it because they are made to feel they have to... They hide it to keep the peace as they know what will happen if the wives find out...

I am not sure why i would feel that its acceptable to tell my husband what he can and cannot watch i am his wife not his mother.

Men are red hot blooded males........ So your man may enjoy a bit of porn now and again its not the end of the world.

Yes, Bree, we did discuss before marriage. I couldn't find a man who felt his needs entitled him to watch that shit attractive.

bambam you have asked the exact same thing I asked my husband, am I really all these horrible things just because I would be upset about him watching porn? (he laughed of course and told me no I was a wally lol)
This is something we discussed very early in our relationship, he watched pretty mild couples porn in his single days which I don't have a huge problem with, I understand his needs lol.
But early on he passed me his phone and it opened on a porn site, which led to me explaining it isn't something I think I can deal with within a relationship. If he wants to look at naked women, I'm happy to help lol (not that there's much here to look at since having kids, well, actually there's more to look at haha!) but that I see him viewing other woman naked, behind my back, for sexual gratification as borderline cheating. In my mind there is a fine line, for example, how would we feel if our partner's work colleague had given him photos of her naked to enjoy, or if he had a woman on webcam stripping for his pleasure, or worst we came home to him watching a woman wiggling round naked in the living room lol! To me it makes no difference if he knows the woman or not, or if it's live or not, on a screen or in person, it's still another woman, I would be just as hurt either way, it's just my natural reaction, I cannot help it.
At best, if he continued to view porn behind my back once knowing how I felt, I would see it as a betrayal of trust and lack of concern about my feelings, and I just wouldn't see him as the same man any more, I wouldn't be able to help it if I lost any feelings towards him.
Anyways it wasn't an issue, he understood, once I explained he said he'd feel exactly the same if I was sat at home looking at other mens' bits, and he doesn't use it any more.
We are pretty young, 28 and 27, so I don't think you are being old and prudish, or if you are, I proudly confess to being old and prudish too lol! It just doesn't have a place within our relationship, I completely understand that it does have a place in other people's relationships, I know very well that others don't feel the same way as me, but I guess this is why we each choose our partners, as long as it works for both of you there should be no name calling :)

what if a partner is regulary imagining sexual acts which you find abhorent, would anyone find that upsetting?
what happens when the internet is accessible via a chip implanted in a persons body enabling you to view material that cant be policed by others?

if my partner tried to police my internet use Id just make sure I cleared my browsing history, its not that hard.

You don't even have to clear history if you open an incognito window/tab.

Plus no-one has to use the family pc or laptop, now that phones have internet access.

My DH works with a lot of men whose wives think they find porn abhorrent, when in actual fact they just agree with them for a quiet life, and watch it on their phones away from the house.

suzanne, yes if someone is desperate enough to see these images of course there's always a way, but that's not the point.
My point would be, I'd hope that some partners out there have enough love and respect for their partners wishes that this would override, and be of more importance, than the want to view this stuff (that is of course if their partner ISN'T ok with it, some are fine with it, so no issue there). If someone was so desperate and went to lengths to see others having sex, even when they knew it would hurt their partner and relationship so much, I would worry there was an issue within that relationship. I personally would never want to see some willys so much that I would upset my husband, especially when he has a perfectly good one himself lol

But where does it end lovetheautumn?

Stopping a partner from going to the pub? Stopping them from contacting friends you don't like? Stopping them from doing a hobby that doesn't include the other partner?

These are all things that upset some people, so where do you draw the line with regards to controlling them?

of course we all hope our partners love and respect us enough to only have sexual desires that we approve of but how would we know if they just humour us for the sake of a quiet life?

dont most people have an inner life which they keep private, including private sexual fantasies?

thing is lovetheautumn, you make out that you're fine with other people watching porn, it's just not for you but then you describe people who use porn as 'desperate', and you complain about others describing you as prudish.
So you don't want to be judged for your preferences but you used derisive terms to describe those who have other preferences.
Hypocrisy? ?

Worra that's very different for me, would you really put those things in the same realm as getting sexual gratification from another woman behind the wife's back, knowing full well how she views it and how much it would hurt her? Betrayal of trust regarding something that could actually end a relationship for me, would be very different than playing golf for example!
And there's always going to be friends that we're not particularly fond of, as long as he doesn't start watching them strip down naked on cam for him to get his jollys off I think I can handle it lol :p I think we can all agree that it's when sexual nudity enters a friendship that it takes it to another not so acceptable level!
I hate the use of the word control here, it isn't about control, it is about respect for each others beliefs and feelings, and having a loving relationship, which sometimes may even involve compromise! I am more than allowed to have beliefs and my own views, my husband of his own accord chooses to respect them.
How about if it were the other way, and I found it heartbreaking, but yet my husband continued to watch it and hurt me emotionally, then I would be letting him control me.
A woman can ask certain things from a relationship without being 'controlling', would I be seem as controlling if I asked him to pick up some milk on the way home because I too tired to do the walk? Or if we had a cleaning rota?

It's not getting sexual gratification from another woman

It's getting sexual gratification from watching people having sex

And yes, I do think it's controlling/manipulative when one person tells the other what they can and can't do in private.

A compromise would be to just let the other one get on with it, because what you don't know, doesn't affect you.

are there men who get upset about a partner watching porn?
surely women are just as prone as men to finding sexually explicit material arousing?

I wouldn't say having them is the problem Suzanne, I would say acting on them is, we all have a choice. I only refer to it as desperate if someone is really going out of their way to view it, if someone is in such a need to view it as to risk a relationship that is important to them, I would describe them as desperate to view it yes. I'm just using it in the dictionary sense of 'having a great need or desire for something.' Not in an offensive way.
I don't mind being called prudish, I admitted I may be lol, if this makes me prudish then I guess I am and guess I'm proud of it, as it's what I believe

my main problem with porn is that the men are just not hot enough, I want to see a good looking man with a perfectly muscled physique and usually they have pot bellies and no muscles :(

I'm just using it in the dictionary sense of 'having a great need or desire for something.' Not in an offensive way.

well ya would say that wouldnt ya
just teasing :o

the whole area is a minefield!

Worra so can your partners sleep with other people behind your back if you don't know about it? If you didn't know, it wouldn't affect you, so would that make it ok? Would you be controlling and manipulative to tell them they shouldn't be sleeping with other people behind your back? No, it's just your boundaries of what you will accept in a relationship, and ours just happen to be a bit different from each other, I'm sure there are many who share both our views, like I said I cannot help mine, it's just how I feel, just like that is how you feel and you cannot accept yours, like I said before as long as you're in a relationship with someone who shares your views then there's no probs! :)
Suzanne I know a few men who would not like their partners watching porn behind their backs, they would be hurt in just the same way, though I am sure woman are just as prone to men to finding sexually explicit material arousing, it's just what works in a relationship.

Worra so can your partners sleep with other people behind your back if you don't know about it? If you didn't know, it wouldn't affect you, so would that make it ok?

Now you're being silly because we're talking about a partner watching porn in private - not sleeping around.

You could take it even further out of context and ask if it's ok that my DH murders someone in private and if I didn't know, it wouldn't affect me.

But it would be just as silly.

But with regards to being in a relationship with someone who 'shares your views', that brings me back to the people my DH work with who view porn on their phones. They don't share their partner's views on it, but they have to make the right noises to prevent all the tears/upset/possible split, if they spoke honestly about it.

Plus, their views twenty odd years ago might have been very different to their views today.

People change as they get older.

haha suzanne it sure is, but honestly I don't want to offend anyone, just having a good old debate lol :) if you like a muscled physique have a look at the m and s new underwear model, jeez i was just innocently browsing the news and all of a sudden he was there in his pants all over the screen!

see that's exactly how I viewed your comment Worra, as silly, because like I explained before I view watching porn as borderline cheating, my brain doesn't see the two as seperate, I would still be enormously hurt if I found out he was watching it behind my back, why would that make any difference, if anything it makes it worse as he is also being dishonest. So you saying if it's behind my back that makes it's ok, seems just as silly to me, as it is for me to say to you, well your partner can sleep around if it's behind your back. lol that was blabbering but hope I got my point across, with regards to the people your DH works with, yeah I have no doubt it happens, but I still don't think it's right, I think they should have more respect for their partners if they know their partners wouldn't like it, not being found out doesn't make you innocent, it just makes me sad :(

For me, I just don't like the industry and the rise in aggressive, degrading porn. People will get (well many) turned on by porn and erotica, that's just physical and quite normal. I've seen a few documentaries on the industry and read a few articles and just found them quite disturbing and upsetting. I just don't want to support it, even if I might enjoy or find it a turn on. I do have a problem with men enjoying seeing women being degraded and hurt and turned into lumps of meat (and much modern porn is like this now) - when they would never want to see their wives, daughters, sisters in that position.