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Original poster

DP wants DD to lie

152 replies

wonderingstar01 · 24/09/2014 09:29

DP told his grown up daughter a lie and I told him at the time it would come back and bite him on the arse. He said he'd deal with it if it did.

Now there's a real possibility that his DD will be in the company of people who know the truth, including my own DD who is 13. To safeguard himself, he said he intended to speak to my DD and tell her to lie if posed any questions by his own DD. This is on the basis he has just managed to sort out what has been a very fractious relationship with his DD and he doesn't want to jeopardise it.

In all likelihood, other people will make innocent remarks which his DD will read into and put two and two together anyway.

That aside, no way do I think it acceptable to instruct a 13 year old to lie when I've spent all her life instilling her with the belief that it's wrong. DP's mantra has always been that he hates lies and liars but it seems that only applies to anyone lying to him.

Im really annoyed, particularly as he practically put the blame on my DD if anything were to come out. It's just not fair that he should compromise anyone else's integrity just to safeguard his own. It's his lie and I think he should own it.

I have a feeling he might cancel arrangements we've made to have a nice family holiday just in case he's compromised. Grrrrrrrr …...

OP posts:
ChippingInLatteLover · 24/09/2014 09:31

Can you say what it is he's asking her to lie about?

Who is going on the holiday? - Just the 4 of you?

LadyLuck10 · 24/09/2014 09:32

It does depend on what the lie is.

Middleagedmotheroftwo · 24/09/2014 09:33

There are lies, and there are lies. White lies can be OK, if it saves someones feelings, stops something worse from happening etc. So IMO, it depends on what the lie is, and why.

Castlemilk · 24/09/2014 09:34

And here it is, biting him in the bum!

NO your DD must NOT be told to lie. It sounds as if he's really fucked up here and the truth is going to come out at some point. Does he think it's better that your DD's relationship with her sister is sacrificed to protect his? Does he think that will work anyway? As soon as she works anything out, the buck will stop with him as far as she's concerned anyway.

If the chances are she will find out, he is 100% BETTER OFF just telling her, now. Because if your DD lies to her, then she finds out, it's going to be so much worse than Dad 'trying to protect her' or whatever and then confessing. It's going to be - my Dad and his new family ALL LYING to me, conspiring... End of relationship stuff if it's problematic already.

He really is going to make it a lot worse by doing this.

Don't lie!!!

Boysclothes · 24/09/2014 09:35

I think 13 is old enough to understand the nuances. It's not so black and white as "don't lie" is it? Not in RL.

Original poster
wonderingstar01 · 24/09/2014 09:38

I don't really want to talk about the lie itself but suffice to say it isn't a white lie and would affect his ongoing relationship with his DD.

Don't want the thread to focus on the lie but on the principle he's asking my DD to lie for him to cover up what he's done.

Thank you Castlemilk as you echo my feelings 100%. He doesn't feel the same.

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 24/09/2014 09:38

I agree it depends on what the lie is.

A harmless lie to save someone's feelings is very different to a lie that prevents someone having information that they have a right to know.

AnAwfullyGoodOxymoron · 24/09/2014 09:38

I told him at the time it would come back and bite him on the arse. He said he'd deal with it if it did.

I say he needs to deal with it himself.

19lottie82 · 24/09/2014 09:40

I could be wrong but I'm guessing there is a chance it could have something to do with an affair or illegitimate child?

WooWooOwl · 24/09/2014 09:41

Your DH has no right to ask anyone to tell a big lie, including your dd.

A 13 year old does not deserve to have this level of responsibility for someone else's secrets or their relationships, and if your DH is going to put pressure on a child, no matter how subtly, I'd spill the beans myself to protect her from that.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 24/09/2014 09:44

No, dcs should never, ever, be told to lie "in certain circumstances".

Partly because they're likely to then use this new-found power against you, partly because you are undermining every message you've ever given them (so if lying is ok, what else is ok?), and partly because it opens them up to abuse ("lie to your dm about what happened/where you were etc.)

The truth is so important and that message must never be muddied for selfish reasons.

Asking a child to lie is asking them to do one of the naughtiest things they can IMO. Why would they ever respect any of your moral guidance again.

Your dh needs to apologise to your dd, tell her he was very wrong and silly to ask her to lie and that he has done the wrong thing.

littlemslazybones · 24/09/2014 09:45

It's not fair and it is not his place for him to ask your dd to lie on his behalf. In fact, I would go further, to avoid my dd being scapegoated when the lie is inevitably unearthed I would tell his daughter the truth myself. But then, I've never been a diplomat.

borisgudanov · 24/09/2014 09:47

He sounds like a cowardly weasel to me. The correct example to set DC is that it is only human to fuck up once in a while but when one does one accepts responsibility, bears the consequences, learns the lesson and moves on. And that such handling actually deserves respect. Otherwise he's just teaching her that you can do WTF you like as long as you can bully others into covering your tracks. That's the kind of role model that many of our politicians aspire to.

Actually I think I'd go postal.

Oldraver · 24/09/2014 09:47

So he said he would deal with the consequences but now is passing the buck and trying to get your DD to lie. What a spineless man, he needs to grow up and deal with the situation he has created

coppertop · 24/09/2014 09:51

He chose to lie to his dd and so needs to face the consequences of his actions. Attempting to use your child to keep himself out of trouble is a really shitty thing to do.

If he tries to go through with this cowardly plan I would speak to your dd and make sure she knows that you will certainly not be blaming her for telling the truth. Also be aware that he sounds like the sort of person who would do this behind your back and make your dd promise not to tell you about it.

Thomyorke · 24/09/2014 09:57

If the lie is making you uncomfortable then no a child should not lie. But some lies even for a 13 year old can be acceptable. I was told to lie/ avoid talking about my brother sexuality ( there where rumours) until he was ready and I had left school. So when people asked straight out I lied.

MindReader · 24/09/2014 09:58

Oh what a tangled web we weave
when we conspire to deceive....

It is now 'biting him on the bum'.
His DD however, should NOT be involved.

He needs to grow a pair, tell her the truth and face the consequences.
If he wont, I think you might need to step in.
It depends upon the enormity of the lie.
I know you don't want to say what and I am not asking
but if it is as serious as something like parentage - you cannot continue a lie like that.
His whole relationshlp with his Dd will be based on a lie that will come out sooner or later...

emotionsecho · 24/09/2014 10:00

No way should he ask your dd to lie for him, I absolutely agree with you.

When it all comes out, which it will, if your dd has joined in the lie it will have a very detrimental effect on any relationship his dd has with your dd and you.

He said he would deal with the lie when it came back to bite him, it has and asking others to compound the lie and risk their own integrity is not dealing with it. Either he takes the risk it won't be mentioned and if it is he confesses, or he tells the truth now. Dragging a 13 year old into his mess and expecting her to lie for him is not an option. Stand firm OP, don't let him tarnish your dd's integrity.

borisgudanov · 24/09/2014 10:14

It made me think of this case, which might serve as an example for DCs of the possible consequences of being caught in a lie of this kind.

Huhne had accrued nine penalty points (because he hadn't learned his lesson on previous occasions). He was then caught speeding on the M11 so now would probably get a driving ban as well as a fine, and a certain amount of embarrassment (which would have ended up wrapping tomorrow's chips) and inconvenience (but he could afford a chauffeur). But he could have carried on doing his job, at least after taking a certain amount of shite.

Instead he inveigled his wife into pretending to have been the driver. Subsequently they fell out and divorced, and no longer being under his spell, she told the police. The shitstorm he subsequently found himself embroiled in was out of all proportion to three points and a £60 fine, and considerably worse even than the totting ban it would presumably have triggered. It ended his political career in ignominy, contempt, and prison.

KoalaDownUnder · 24/09/2014 10:19

No, it's not okay to ask a 13-year-old to lie to make your own life easier.

Original poster
wonderingstar01 · 24/09/2014 10:20

Telling the lie was, to him, solving a short-term problem which perhaps anyone would have been tempted to do at the time. However, the problem has been exacerbated because his DD has asked him outright if he was lying and he's said no - on several occasions. He's had plenty opportunities to come clean, suffer her temporary wrath and move on (which I advised him to do) but made a firm decision not to. She'd be over it by now, no harm done.

OP posts:
Unexpected · 24/09/2014 10:21

It's his mess to sort out. Apart from telling him that under no circumstances is he to ask your daughter to lie for him, I would leave him to it. Is he going to ask everyone else present at this holiday to also lie? Does everyone know that he lied to his DD in the first place?

Original poster
wonderingstar01 · 24/09/2014 10:24

No, only the rest of his family know he lied. Our friends, who are going to be on the holiday, are completely unaware of the fact.

He'll end up having to keep both DDs apart and deflect all questions from other people which might lead her to uncover the truth. Who needs to live like that.

OP posts:
DayLillie · 24/09/2014 10:27

I think she already knows the truth, otherwise she wouldn't be asking. She is now looking for concrete proof.

gamerchick · 24/09/2014 10:30

Somebody who keeps asking if somebody is lying already knows they're lying.

Tell him if he asks your daughter to lie again you'll tell his daughter that he is and to sort it out.

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