Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

DP wants DD to lie

152 replies

wonderingstar01 · 24/09/2014 09:29

DP told his grown up daughter a lie and I told him at the time it would come back and bite him on the arse. He said he'd deal with it if it did.

Now there's a real possibility that his DD will be in the company of people who know the truth, including my own DD who is 13. To safeguard himself, he said he intended to speak to my DD and tell her to lie if posed any questions by his own DD. This is on the basis he has just managed to sort out what has been a very fractious relationship with his DD and he doesn't want to jeopardise it.

In all likelihood, other people will make innocent remarks which his DD will read into and put two and two together anyway.

That aside, no way do I think it acceptable to instruct a 13 year old to lie when I've spent all her life instilling her with the belief that it's wrong. DP's mantra has always been that he hates lies and liars but it seems that only applies to anyone lying to him.

Im really annoyed, particularly as he practically put the blame on my DD if anything were to come out. It's just not fair that he should compromise anyone else's integrity just to safeguard his own. It's his lie and I think he should own it.

I have a feeling he might cancel arrangements we've made to have a nice family holiday just in case he's compromised. Grrrrrrrr …...

OP posts:

hamptoncourt · 26/09/2014 17:12

He sounds like a total cunt.

HTH

Teeb · 26/09/2014 17:16

Seriously, you need to step up here as a mother and a parent and put your daughter first above some controlling, lying, downright weird dickhead. You are her guardian, you have a responsibility and letting her believe that in your eyes getting married to this man who actively dislikes her is important to you is a massive let down.

Please don't be the reason you create a damaged adult woman, you'll regret it.

magoria · 26/09/2014 17:19

You don't think he likes your DD but are going ahead with marrying him!

How about you think of your poor DD saddled with a man in the household who doesn't like her and she gets no say but to put up shut up and be made his scapegoat.

Have a good think about what you are inflicting on your child (who is always going to be second class compared to his DD) and sort it out before you irrevocably destroy your relationship with her.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/09/2014 17:38

Ask yourself, in the long term which matters more to you

Your relationship with your DD

Your relationship with your DP

because the way he is carrying on, you won't be able to have both.

CiderwithBuda · 26/09/2014 17:56

By they way - what reason does he give for wanting to be on the phone to you all evening? He misses you and wants to talk? Rubbish. He wants to know you are devoting all your time to him even though he is not there physically. He wants to make sure you are not out with a friend. He wants to make sure you have no other life but him. Not even your DD. He is pretty sick actually.

cookiefiend · 26/09/2014 18:11

He sounds very controlling. His daughter is his top priority, but your dd should be your second priority after him? If you DD accidentally reveals the truth are you to punish her? Or perhaps make her feel guilty for his relationship with his DD breaking down? And if she causes that will he then be even harder on your daughter?

It sounds awful.

Optimist1 · 26/09/2014 18:39

This is about way, way more than a lie (white or otherwise), isn't it?

If he were to get his warped way over the upcoming holiday arrangements, is he planning to extend the embargo on conversations between the daughters forever more? Very little hope of a well-blended family for you, OP. Sorry.

impatienceisavirtue · 26/09/2014 18:54

YABU to have this man in your, or your daughter's, life one moment longer

YakInAMac · 27/09/2014 02:38

Oh, WondringStar, please trust your instincts.
This is all wrong,
Of course you were not in the wrong to have a family meet up with your oldest family friend. Not only did he stalk your phone but in making you feel 'there was no excuse' and that you had something to apologize for, he is manipulating you,

Actually everything you say paints the picture of a man who is emotionally abusing you.

Does he say all those things to or in hearing of your dd when you talk of tidying her room etc?

Poor girl

He is wildly jealous of her role in your life and trying to control your relationship with her. He dounds ad if he hates her! Please, please do not make her have to endure him, I really feel for her.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/09/2014 05:33

The lying thing I could 'deal with' as far as a relationship goes. It could be as relatively simple as a drink-driving conviction he doesn't want his DD to know about or whether or not he smoked pot at university. I'd tell him (as you have) in no uncertain terms that neither I nor my DD would lie for him.

BUT, the way he regards your DD is a deal-breaker. He's obviously either jealous of her personally or jealous of your relationship with her as his with his DD is so fractious. To insist you spend 2-3 HOURS (!) on the phone with him is ridiculous, DD or no DD! He sounds like a petulant child. Good heavens, most couples don't spend 2-3 solid hours in conversation at the end of the day, there's just too much to do! What are you going to do, listen to each other breathe when you run out of things to say?

I'm not going to tell you that your child should always be your first priority, you already know that. But I will ask you, do you really think it will be easy to keep her as your first priority if you marry that man? I don't. It will be a constant struggle with him trying to pull you away from her.

FishWithABicycle · 27/09/2014 08:04

Run for the hills OP. Your post of 13:51 and the next after that make it really clear this is nit a good man to be a parted with. Get out while you can.

Your most recent post is missing the point. There are many many successful blended families. YOU aren't doing anything wrong. THIS man is not capable of being part of a happy family blended or otherwise. Do not marry him.

FishWithABicycle · 27/09/2014 08:04

Sorry "not a good man to be partnered with" damn phone

MaryWestmacott · 27/09/2014 08:26

Seems all he cares about is himself, he doesn't want to be lied too, but is fine with getting everyone else to lie to protect himself. He wants his dd to think highly of him, so doesn't care what problems that causes for everyone else and his dd, his feelings are the most important.

Don't go on the holiday, use the time he's away to work out how to separate your lives, and if you don't want to split up, I would tell him the conditions of you staying together are a) he tells his dd the truth, and b) he accepts that he is less important to you than your own dd.

He thinks in this whole situation, he is the priority, perhaps he needs to be with a woman with nothing else in her life and is happy to make him her world.

sonjadog · 27/09/2014 08:50

I agree that he sounds awful.

Regarding this blended family issue, I find his whole attitude strange. His daughter and your daughter are not a couple of teenagers getting to know each other. They aren't going to be bonding over sharing a room. His daughter is a grown adult and has been for a long time. Neither you nor he should be orchestrating her relationship with your daughter. She can and should manage her own relationships.

I'm a little older than your DSD and my mother has recently started dating a man who has children. I would find it deeply bizzare if my mum and her boyfriend started arranging events for us to hang out together, share a room, chat into the night. I'm an adult and I manage my own relationships, thanks.

But I hope all this is irrelevant because you will ditch him.

GilesGirl · 27/09/2014 08:54

I know I'm asking a different question but are there any step-parents out there who have successfully blended two families together when there was initial animosity between everyone involved? Does it ever work?

Not really. My family was like this. Mum and stepdad married, bringing together two families, a very long time ago. And it was pretty disastrous to the point that once we were all grown up and out of the house, the stepsibs barely interact.

We all keep in contact with the combined parents, but we don't keep in touch with each other.

whycantifindaname · 27/09/2014 09:03

Yeah, I find the whole wanting to foster a relationship between your two daughters thing a bit weird too. I am younger than your DSD. My dad's partner has a son from a previous relationship. In the 7 years they have been together I may have met him three times ( he was a teenager when they got together, I was an adult). He is just an acquaintance to me. If I were either of the daughters in this scenario I would not be in the least bit interested in entering into a family relationship with the other daughter.

BearFeet · 27/09/2014 10:12

If you do LTB, I bet the look on you DDs face would tell you everything you need to know. I think she would be very happy about not having this man in your life a minute longer.

Castlemilk · 27/09/2014 10:22

I would never, ever, in any circumstances compromise my DD for him or anyone else. She has always been my priority and will continue to be so until she's an adult and can stand on her own two feet

I'm afraid that going by what you've posted about this man, then doing that means leaving him.

I think that you sound pretty sensible and that you are very much talking yourself out of this relationship. It's funny how so often on here posting on what seems to be 'one issue' actually really isn't, and the thread becomes about something much bigger.

This man and his attitude and actions will be damaging your DD, her view of relationships and her self-esteem. The dynamic he's created with his first DD is bad enough: everything else you've posted about his corrosive attitude to family relationships is simply awful. So please do what he couldn't do and leave an utterly horrible unworkable family situation for the sake of your child.

YonicScrewdriver · 27/09/2014 10:35

I was going to post "ask him how he would feel if someone had told his beloved DD to lie when she was 13" but then I read your other posts.

If he had split up with DSD's mother, do you think for a second he would've allowed a stepmother to behave to her as he's behaving to DD?

He sounds pretty nasty.

cheeseandpineapple · 28/09/2014 08:53

What does your DD think of your DP?

Original poster

wonderingstar01 · 29/09/2014 17:11

Apologies for not coming back sooner but I've had a lot of things to sort out both in my head and with my DD and DP. I have really appreciated everyone's thoughts and they have certainly helped me shape how I've dealt with the matter.

DP has recognised that asking my DD to lie is very wrong and he shouldn't have done it. He argues that he went into panic mode and was acting irrationally. He is very embarrassed. He is going to tell his own DD what he'd failed to tell her about in the past and take his chances on what happens next. Someone made a point that at 32 years old she should be able to manage her emotions maturely but she doesn't have that ability. The knock-on effect for him could be unpleasant at worst but he accepts that in the general scheme of things it doesn't really matter.

I posed the question to him that the events of the past couple of weeks had led me to believe he didn't like my DD and if that was indeed the case, I really couldn't see we would have a future. That was a transformational moment for him as it's almost like the light came on and he recognised how he'd been behaving and how that was being perceived by me.

My DD has no problems with him, they've had issues in the past when he first came into my life but that was understandable when it had only ever been me and her. They talked those issues through and reached what I thought was a mutual respect and understanding. When I asked her what she wanted most in life, she replied to be a proper family with me, DP and the dog. For her, that hasn't changed.

DD doesn't want to have a friendship with her older step-sister. She would never be rude or disrespectful but if DSD is looking for someone to hang out with, she's lost that battle before it starts. DD has heard DSD say some nasty things about me in the past and that's sealed her fate as far as my DD is concerned.

I can't change the dynamic of DP's relationship with his own DD as that's how it's always been but he says he has heard what I've had to say about it and is going to make some adjustments of his own. We'll see.

He says his priority is me and our family so has decided to wind down his business interests overseas and come back home full-time in January. That will eliminate lots of problems for everyone, including the issue of ignoring my DD while spending time on the phone with him. The wedding is on hold until we adjust (or don't adjust) to these new circumstances and all we can do is take it from here and see how everything goes.

Again, thank you everyone, I really appreciate your input.

OP posts:

YonicScrewdriver · 29/09/2014 17:27

Good progress!

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 29/09/2014 17:35

That does sound like real progress. Good luck.

CiderwithBuda · 29/09/2014 17:51

Sounds like a good plan.

He doesn't still expect you to spend hours on the phone every night does he? What was he reasoning for that? Tbh that is the bit I can't get my head round!

lacksdirection · 29/09/2014 18:25

When is he going to speak to his DD?
Does he still expect you to phone him every evening?
Are you all still planning on going on this holiday together?

Will your DP still be sharing a room with his DD?
Are you, DP and DD still living together?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Swipe left for the next trending thread