DP wants DD to lie

[wonderingstar01]

DP told his grown up daughter a lie and I told him at the time it would come back and bite him on the arse. He said he'd deal with it if it did.

Now there's a real possibility that his DD will be in the company of people who know the truth, including my own DD who is 13. To safeguard himself, he said he intended to speak to my DD and tell her to lie if posed any questions by his own DD. This is on the basis he has just managed to sort out what has been a very fractious relationship with his DD and he doesn't want to jeopardise it.

In all likelihood, other people will make innocent remarks which his DD will read into and put two and two together anyway.

That aside, no way do I think it acceptable to instruct a 13 year old to lie when I've spent all her life instilling her with the belief that it's wrong. DP's mantra has always been that he hates lies and liars but it seems that only applies to anyone lying to him.

Im really annoyed, particularly as he practically put the blame on my DD if anything were to come out. It's just not fair that he should compromise anyone else's integrity just to safeguard his own. It's his lie and I think he should own it.

I have a feeling he might cancel arrangements we've made to have a nice family holiday just in case he's compromised. Grrrrrrrr …...

I think you're right DayLillie and because so much water has gone under the bridge since then, the impact is going to be much worse. But, even worse still if he doesn't tell her now. She would have been annoyed and disappointed in him initially but now she'll be incandescent that he's continued to tell bare faced lies about it.

Ok but you are all still family arnt you so need to help, heal and be there to pick up the pieces.

Obviously your dh is terrified at being caught out in this lie but obviously his dd will at done point uncover the truth.

I think you need to tell your dh either he tells her or you do.

If he can't then you tell her but pave the way gently by arranging a meeting and telling her it is about something important.

What them happens is really between her and him but you just need to be there to support them both as presumably you love him??

Your dd shouldn't be involved in the lie/truth telling. Just be honest with her.

People fuck up all the time. It's life. You all seem to be building this up into a huge huge issue.

Unless police need to be involved then it isn't as bad as all that.

I think I would say to him that he has to tell her or I will.

It's not fair on her that you know, your DD knows, the family know... but she doesn't. The longer this goes on the worse it will be for her.

It's not fair on either of the girls to carry on like this.

Oh dear, that is a horrible situation. You are so right though. Not only about your Dd not being asked to lie or about the whole thing being compounded by more and more people being involved. How much worse will the poor girl feel when she discovers that. Is he intending never to tell her the truth?

Of course I'd support him and help pick up the pieces. Generally speaking, he's a good, principled family man but where this particular DD is concerned, feels he always has to protect her feelings and maintain this image she has of him as a god-like creature.

It's not a big deal to anyone else except him and how it will affect his already fragile relationship with his DD. He's been stupid but nobody died!

That said, he was warned at the start it was better to tell her the truth to avoid everything thats happening now - is it a case of sleeping in the bed you make?

Op actually guessing that once it's out he will find it a relief in the long run.

Yes he's a bloody idiot but his dd is old enough to understand that he lied to pehaps protect her image of him,which was of course stupid and daft, but In the end human frailty.

It will be better for all of you eventually as his dd is on the track of this lie anyway as you say.

Good luck with it all

I used to have a thing about lie. That is telling the truth all the time. But now I think lies are fine for the common good. So it depends on the situation.

Can you ask DD to go silent, change the conversation topic 0r when asked, state that she doesn't want to discuss

Thanks for all your comments and my decision is to tell DP categorically that he will not tell DD to lie. Nor will he blame her if she makes an innocent comment that leads to his lies being uncovered.

I'll tell my DD to refer any direct questions posed at her back to DP for him to sort out.

If she is asked any questions and says "I think you'd better discuss that with your dad" then his DD will soon get the message.

This is not a sustainable situation regardless of the holiday.

Her whole family know she's been lied to and are continuing the lie? That's dreadful, the poor girl.

If she has asked him multiple times she doesn't believe him and every time he repeats the lie he makes it worse.

A fully grown woman shouldn't have a 'god like' image of her father anyway, it's a bit inappropriate. A key factor of growing up is understanding that our parents aren't perfect.

your daughter will have very little respect for him if asked to lie. She already knows he is a liar, she probably doesn't believe a word he says already.

He should try to be the man his DD believes him to be not bully little girls in an effort to pretend that he is.

Your role is to protect your little girl from intimidation (which is what this behaviour is in effect).

"I have a feeling he might cancel arrangements we've made to have a nice family holiday just in case he's compromised."

If he did that he would be Monster Twat of the Decade. Intolerable.

My DD knows a particular thing happened - which isn't in any way sinister - but doesn't know DP lied, nor that he's continued to do so. Her attention will be drawn to it though if he asks her to lie. I can see SO many instances where innocent remarks might be made, not just by my DD but by our mutual friends - none of them intended to cause problems, that it just isn't feasible to carry on lying until the inevitable happens.

The one and only way he can safeguard himself is to keep his DD away from anyone else we know, forever.

If your DD doesn't know your DP lied to your DSD about it, isn't she going to ask why you are telling her that she has to tell her DSS to ask her Dad about it?

Just tell the stupid man that he has to tell his DD the truth now and he can't keep lying to her because he's going to get found out and fuck it up with his DD for a very long time and make her hate you and DD as well (for knowing and not telling).

No one died - but he might wish he had if she finds out from someone else! Idiot man.

Because of what's gone in the past, DD is very wary of DSD's motives for asking anything and will quickly recognise if she's being interrogated. In those circumstances she needs to know to tell DSD to refer back to her dad, or me for that matter. I won't be telling any lies either.

However, if DSD takes a more manipulative approach then it's only going to end one way.

Why don't you just tell DSD yourself and get it it all over and done with? I personally think she deserves the decency of the truth, not least because when she does find out (and she will) she will be utterly destroyed by being the last to know, have the balls your DH doesn't and tell the poor girl

Your dp cannot censor everyone's speech, nor cut you all off from people on the basis he is afraid of his lie being exposed, it is utterly ridiculous. Too many people know the truth of what he lied about, although unaware he lied, for it not to come out sooner or later.

He needs to act like the 'principled' person you say he is and tell his daughter the truth now, face the fall out and move on. What is he so afraid of? How can he justify manipulating a 13 year old to save his skin?

You're right OP who wants to live like this and proof, if it were needed, that he should have told the truth in the first place.

Your DP is being completely unrealistic and a bit of a knob. Truth will out - you warned him about that at the start!

" He said he'd deal with it if it did."
Well, time for him to make good on that statement. And telling your DD to lie is absolutely NOT dealing with it.

I agree with what has already been said - his daughter knows he is lying to her, otherwise she wouldn't keep asking. The ONLY way he can redeem himself, even if it causes massive fallout at the time, is to tell her the truth ASAP, apologise for lying and give her his reasons why he did so, acknowledge that the reasons aren't good enough, and ask for her forgiveness.

"Im really annoyed, particularly as he practically put the blame on my DD if anything were to come out."
Possibly that's him panicking because he knows the jig is up. Regardless, he needs to behave like an adult and take the blame for his own actions, which he undertook while being warned it would come back and bite him. His actions, his consequences.

"I have a feeling he might cancel arrangements we've made to have a nice family holiday just in case he's compromised."
I would rip him a new one if he even tried. Seriously. His actions, his consequences. He doesn't get to cause more problems whilst he's wriggling on the hook of his own making.

So now he thinks the best way to proceed is to keep them both apart for the time his daughter (she's 32 BTW!) joins us on holiday. I don't even want to see what I'm going to say next written on the screen ….. he's going to sleep in a room with his daughter so her and my DD can't "chit-chat" in the night.

He said no way is his daughter going to find out and he won't ask my DD to lie, just to keep her mouth shut. Isn't that the same thing? At 13, how will she - or why should she - recognise a tenuous link between something she says and the lie he's told.

He's even blaming me for not pointing it out to him the potential dangers of inviting his DD in the first place!

She needs to be told the truth, for everyone's sake.
The truth always comes out in the end, the more he manipulates the angrier she will be when she finds out.

Is your DD his DD? Not that it really matters.

Look how he is already passing the blame.

It will be your DDs fault if she doesn't keep her mouth shut. Did he actually say he was going to tell her to keep her mouth shut! What sort of man are you exposing your DD to!

Now is is your fault for not pointing things out.

Tell him to man the fuck up. The only one to blame is him. He does not get to blame you or tell your DD to shut the fuck up!

I agree with others here. Not only is your DP effectively weaseling out of dealing with the inevitable consequences of poor choices, but he is making his bad decisions everyone elses' problem.

Also, 13 is still very young in the grand scheme of things, and you don't want to encourage her in the belief that lying is every acceptable. At the end of the day it is essential that children are encouraged to be completely open and honest with their parents (well, we can try) in order to safeguard them. We can't really expect this level of transparency from them if this is the example they are set...

Good luck dealing with this - it sounds like you're going to have to tell him something he is not going to want to hear.

And your dp doesn't think it will be at all strange to share a room with his dd - AGED 32??? What is she going to think about this? Will she be at all curious as to why he is not sharing a room with you? And how is he going to stop your friends, also on the holiday and who are not aware of the lie, from spilling the beans? Or is he proposing to somehow keep them in isolation as well?

On another note, if a 32 year old is questioning your 13 year old about an event she is obviously already very suspicious about the version she has been fed. From your original posts, I thought she was still perhaps late teens. This is not going to end well.

He can't see any of that, only that if he can get through the holiday without her finding out then all the better, regardless of anything other consequences.

He wants my daughter to foster a good relationship with his but I think he's even prepared to sacrifice that if it saves his bacon.

We are getting married next year so God only knows how he's going to keep her away from everyone else at the wedding. He says if she finds out after we are married then so be it but I fail to see how the two are connected and how it will change the outcome i.e. that his DD may stop speaking to him for a short time.

OP I feel really frustrated on your behalf at how he is not facing a problem he created in an adult way.
And I can't help thinking "has he never seen EastEnders?" Steep families, secrets, everyone except one person knows, a wedding .... We can all guess how this will turn out if it were soapland.
I'm not belittling the situation you're in, and I hope I haven't offended, but the outcome of this can be seen a mile off.

Wouldn't a 32 year old woman want to know why the fuck her Dad wants to share a room with her when on holiday with her Stepmum?

That, in itself, would be enough to get questions asked.

And why would she do that?