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Original poster

DP wants DD to lie

152 replies

wonderingstar01 · 24/09/2014 09:29

DP told his grown up daughter a lie and I told him at the time it would come back and bite him on the arse. He said he'd deal with it if it did.

Now there's a real possibility that his DD will be in the company of people who know the truth, including my own DD who is 13. To safeguard himself, he said he intended to speak to my DD and tell her to lie if posed any questions by his own DD. This is on the basis he has just managed to sort out what has been a very fractious relationship with his DD and he doesn't want to jeopardise it.

In all likelihood, other people will make innocent remarks which his DD will read into and put two and two together anyway.

That aside, no way do I think it acceptable to instruct a 13 year old to lie when I've spent all her life instilling her with the belief that it's wrong. DP's mantra has always been that he hates lies and liars but it seems that only applies to anyone lying to him.

Im really annoyed, particularly as he practically put the blame on my DD if anything were to come out. It's just not fair that he should compromise anyone else's integrity just to safeguard his own. It's his lie and I think he should own it.

I have a feeling he might cancel arrangements we've made to have a nice family holiday just in case he's compromised. Grrrrrrrr …...

OP posts:
Original poster
wonderingstar01 · 26/09/2014 02:00

I know that revealing what he did won't solve anything but will only fuel comments about that and not about the issue of expecting people to lie for him.

At the time he lied to her, it was to save her feelings and to save face on his part. He didn't even do anything wrong, just failed to tell her something that would make him look like a dick, but only in her eyes. It wasn't that big a deal and I told him that to avoid it becoming a future problem, to tell her the truth at the first opportunity. He bottled it, thus making the lie worse, and worse, and worse. Now it's a huge lie with little chance of there being a resolution should she find out.

Everyone around us including his family know that this thing happened and wouldn't even understand why he made the decision to lie to her about it in the first place. They don't see firsthand, however, how he constantly panders to her and treats her like a 4 year old. He's like a dog that still wags it's tail for it's owner despite having been beaten with a stick 5 minutes before.

She's done and said some terrible things to him but he's forever forgiving. They've just made up after one of her episodes so the fragile nature of their relationship at this point in time would reverse back to one months of tantrums and sulking on her part. He's trying to avoid that and I can absolutely understand that. But NOT at the expense of my 13 year old stepping in and lying for him. No.

OP posts:
YakInAMac · 26/09/2014 04:14

OP, I would be telling him you won't be going on this holiday. The whole time will be spent in a state of anxiety about The Lie, your dd will be under constant surveillance by him and suspicion by his Dd.

The whole thing is way too much responsibility to put on a 13 yo. Even being told to say 'ask your Dad'. That alone puts her in a horrible situation, and whenever it does all come out, soon or in 10 years , your Dd will be caught up in the flack, he has no right to put her in this position . YOU have no right to do this to your DD and she will quite rightfully resent you for it.

I would refuse to be in any mixed family situations where your DD is likely to be seen as a 'security breach' . And if that means no holiday and no wedding day, so be it.

FishWithABicycle · 26/09/2014 04:52

I would refuse to be in any mixed family situations where your DD is likely to be seen as a 'security breach' . And if that means no holiday and no wedding day, so be it.

Exactly this. I don't think the size or subject of the lie matters any more. Even if it's insignificant, it's his attitude now that's the problem. Do not tie yourself into a marriage with someone who thinks that an ongoing deceit like this is acceptable.

Sharing a room with a 32yo daughter rather than a fiancée is seriously weird behaviour.

Draw line for him and say very clearly that if he continues this dishonesty he is going to lose you.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 26/09/2014 06:10

The fact that he will go to these lengths to cover a small lie makes me wonder what he'd do to protect a big lie....

You realise, of course, that he is showing that he will happily throw you and your dd to the wolves in order to protect himself. How can you even contemplate marrying someone that places so little value on you both?? Confused

Spidergirl77 · 26/09/2014 06:33

Agree with others red flag...run.

YakInAMac · 26/09/2014 07:22

And if you think he is asking something unreasonable of your dd now , imagine how it will be when it comes out . Even if your poor dd has stonewalled with 'I can't discuss this, you need to ask your Dad' this will confirm his Dd's suspicions , she will go wild to realize that her Dads DSD knew more than her, and your DP will blame your Dd.

If his dd finds out the truth he will. hold your dd responsible.

How will he react then?

How will you feel about that?

How will your DD feel???

ChasedByBees · 26/09/2014 07:24

God this is so weird and so disrespectful to you and your DD. He's already prepared to blame your DD if that gets out. That alone would be enough to tell him to stop this now. I agree that it is a really serious thing and I would be reconsidering ending things.

lougle · 26/09/2014 07:35

If the lie was so trivial, why are you hiding it?

lougle · 26/09/2014 07:35

In this thread, I mean.

Kimaroo · 26/09/2014 07:40

This is such a ridiculous situation! How is he going to stop phone calls, texts, Facebook, emails etc between them? Sleeping in the same room as his dd! What about your wedding night? He might have to do the same thing then! Can I just say that a 32 year old coming on a family holiday sounds a bit odd anyway, doesn't she have her own life?

FishWithABicycle · 26/09/2014 07:52

kimaroo it's clearly a larger group holiday from earlier posts so not that weird (and I think the OP has also said that basically no, she doesn't have her own life)

I would also like to second Alice's wise words:

The fact that he will go to these lengths to cover a small lie makes me wonder what he'd do to protect a big lie....

You realise, of course, that he is showing that he will happily throw you and your dd to the wolves in order to protect himself.

red flag red flag red flag red flag

cheeseandpineapple · 26/09/2014 08:01

Agree with Fish and others.

Can you really be with a liar who expects others to lie for him too and is willing to go to absurd lengths in order to protect the lie?

skylark2 · 26/09/2014 08:10

he's going to sleep in a room with his daughter so her and my DD can't "chit-chat" in the night.

I think I missed this before. Why on earth would a 13 year old kid and a 32 year old woman be "chit-chatting in the night"? The original plan surely isn't for them to share a room, is it, as if they were similar age siblings? Because that's nearly as weird as the 32 year old sharing with her Dad!

YakInAMac · 26/09/2014 08:16

I imagine this lie is something along the lines of he went to a gig or was invited to a family party, or held a party that she would have liked or expected to be at, but he didn't invite her.

Jus saying that is the case, he is asking a 13 year old, a child to act as a human shield against the fall out because 1).a fully grown man cannot manage to act sensitively, truthfully and directly and 2) a 32 year old woman cannot be trusted to manage her own emotional responses, or behave proportionately.

Can he not see that the best way out of this is that he puts his needy, insecure dd, who already suspects because she has asked and asked, out of her insecure misery and tells her that he is sorry that he has lied and that he wants to be truthful?

After the upset she might actually trust him more than she does now. Or she might not - bad outcome

There is no good outcome in his current strategy, and in fact it draws in more victims.

lacksdirection · 26/09/2014 08:43

OP, Instead of waiting for this to blow up unexpectedly, as it surely will at some point, why don't you just tell his DD the truth, thereby removing the risk of your DD being held to account for something that isn't her fault?

Why don't you tell your DP that he has until Sunday evening to admit the truth to his DD or you will and leave your DD out of it completely?

I really don't understand why you wouldn't just remove your DD from the equation and just deal with this between the adults?

catsmother · 26/09/2014 09:11

This will NEVER go away.

Leaving aside the rights and wrongs of it (well, actually, are there any "rights" anyway ?) even if this upcoming holiday and wedding were somehow to pass by without any awkward questions from DSD to anyone else, the same whole shebang will rear its ugly head the next time there's a family gathering, and the time after that etc etc etc ad infinitum.

And doesn't your DP realise that in this day and age it is perfectly simple and very common indeed for people to communicate using all sorts of methods which don't have to be face to face. There's every possibility that if his daughter is both insecure and suspicious she could contact DD - or any other relative "in the know" for that matter and question them. Which again places them - and especially a 13 year old child - in the very difficult position of feeling they must lie and/or telling the truth knowing they'll get into "trouble" (however unreasonable it is for them to be blamed).

I just don't see how your DP can possibly expect to sustain this bloody awful mess indefinitely. If his 32 year old adult daughter is so incapable of dealing with the situation maturely then she's not going to get any better about it is she ? It's not like he can say "I'll tell her when she's 40". Stupid, ridiculous, irresponsible man. Selfish too because however much he might like to kid himself it's about protecting his DD it's actually about covering his arse. However his DD reacts she has a right to the truth (about whatever) and he will just have to deal with any fallout from that if and when it arises. It's called reaping what you sow and if he had an ounce of maturity he'd be considering how to make the best deal out of an already crap situation - thinking about how to explain why he lied, about how he's not perfect, how adults/parents make mistakes too, whether there's anything he can do to make it up to her (depending on what lie was about), asking for forgiveness, reassuring her how much he loves her and how a stupid lie was done with the best of intentions etc etc . NOT compounding the issue by involving innocent bystanders whose problem this isn't. This is HIS problem, he needs to man up and own it.

And yes, sorry to say, however wonderful he seems to be in all other respects, it is completely unacceptable for him to hang your daughter out to dry - and, I guess, potentially others who know, including I presume, yourself - should his daughter directly ask them what's going on.

What would you do if she asked you directly ? ..... forget the "ask your dad" rubbish because that will tell her that something's up. If you told her the truth, how would he react towards you ? From everything you've written I suspect he'd be pretty mad and you'd then be held responsible for the consequences. Even though HE lied - against your advice - even though HE'S made it worse by repeating the same lie again and again.

OP - surely you must see this is no basis on which to begin a marriage ?

ChippingInLatteLover · 26/09/2014 09:22

I am worried about you.

How bad have your previous relationships been, that make this man and this relationship seem acceptable and normal to you?

This isn't about one stupid lie, this is about one fundamentally flawed man and you not being able to see it. It's sad and it's scary :(

DarceyBustle · 26/09/2014 10:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 26/09/2014 11:30

Don't you even wonder what your 13yo dd thinks about this? Surely she must wonder if you're keeping secrets from the other dd, what are you keeping from HER? If I was the 13yo dd, I wouldn't trust either of you.

AlpacaMyBags · 26/09/2014 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lacksdirection · 26/09/2014 12:20

Sometimes OP, doing the right thing is not comfortable. Sometimes it is difficult but it is absolutely wrong on so many levels in a situation like this to do nothing, knowing your DD will be blamed when this erupts.

Your DP isn't going to do the right thing, so you must, for the sake of your DD and your DSD.

You're an adult and I totally understand why you don't want to sort this out yourself, but please don't put a 13 yr old in the firing line to save yourself from having to deal with it (because your DP isn't going to).

Original poster
wonderingstar01 · 26/09/2014 13:51

I would never, ever, in any circumstances compromise my DD for him or anyone else. She has always been my priority and will continue to be so until she's an adult and can stand on her own two feet. I'm not a perfect parent by any means but I always try to do look at the impact of my decisions and ensure they will affect her for the better.

He couldn't even make her aware that his DD may start fishing for information about events in the past as all this will do is erect a barrier between the two girls when he's trying his hardest to break those barriers down.

He can't have it both ways.

Either it's a 4-way relationship based on honesty and integrity, or there's no relationship at all.

Writing it down on here is a lot easier than implementing it and the consequences that might have. I've spent the past week pacing the floor worrying about it and trying to reach a suitable compromise in my head but I can't.

As well as having this issue simmering away in the background, he's now told me I should be spending my entire evening, that is every evening, on the phone to him - he's working away - and that my DD will just have to accept it. And we are talking about 2-3 hours every night here - the entire time I have to spend with her after school. I've said I'll speak to him once she goes to bed. His answer "I won't be dictated to by a 13 year old".

At this point in time, I could quite easily pack my bags and run for the hills.

OP posts:
AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 26/09/2014 13:54

I'd recommend you do that. LTB. Controlling, lying and he obviously does not put you or your dd as a priority at all.

lacksdirection · 26/09/2014 13:54

After your last post, I would be packing my bags and running for the hills.

coppertop · 26/09/2014 13:57

Wow! He's very keen to make your dd the scapegoat for things, isn't he?

If/when the DSD finds out about the lie, it will be your dd's fault.

And now if you don't spend all evening on the phone to him, this will apparently also be your dd's fault.

Run.

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