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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP wants DD to lie

152 replies

wonderingstar01 · 24/09/2014 09:29

DP told his grown up daughter a lie and I told him at the time it would come back and bite him on the arse. He said he'd deal with it if it did.

Now there's a real possibility that his DD will be in the company of people who know the truth, including my own DD who is 13. To safeguard himself, he said he intended to speak to my DD and tell her to lie if posed any questions by his own DD. This is on the basis he has just managed to sort out what has been a very fractious relationship with his DD and he doesn't want to jeopardise it.

In all likelihood, other people will make innocent remarks which his DD will read into and put two and two together anyway.

That aside, no way do I think it acceptable to instruct a 13 year old to lie when I've spent all her life instilling her with the belief that it's wrong. DP's mantra has always been that he hates lies and liars but it seems that only applies to anyone lying to him.

Im really annoyed, particularly as he practically put the blame on my DD if anything were to come out. It's just not fair that he should compromise anyone else's integrity just to safeguard his own. It's his lie and I think he should own it.

I have a feeling he might cancel arrangements we've made to have a nice family holiday just in case he's compromised. Grrrrrrrr …...

OP posts:
Original poster
wonderingstar01 · 25/09/2014 15:25

Exactly Jengnr. She already has issues with me because he apparently brought her up with the notion that marriage was an unnecessary evil so therefore I must be manipulating him into doing it. What kind of message will it give out if he'd prefer to sleep in a room with her rather than me.

And now I'm getting so worked up I think I'll have a cup of coffee made from full-fat milk with a chocolate digestive to boot.

OP posts:
Bulbasaur · 25/09/2014 15:33

However, the problem has been exacerbated because his DD has asked him outright if he was lying

Then she already knows that he is. She probably knows it's bullshit, but also doesn't know the whole truth either.

I'd tell DD13 she doesn't have to lie, and she doesn't have to talk about it either. The last thing you want is for adult DD to ask DD13 what happened and put poor DD13 in the middle of it.

Really, I wouldn't mention anything to her. If she knows not to talk about something it might make her nervous and act funny when adult DD talks to her about something innocent.

Just as a side, at 32 years old, she shouldn't be interrogating a 13 year old either. But it is maddening to know someone's lied and have no one tell you the truth.

guitarosauras · 25/09/2014 15:39

and you're marrying this man?

Phalenopsis · 25/09/2014 15:54

OP, this sounds bonkers! I know you don't want to reveal what the lie is and I'm not going to fish but if it isn't anything 'sinister' then why is your OH going to such ridiculous extremes? It sounds barmy to me.

As for your daughter - no he should not in any way expect her to lie either by commission or by omission. It's not fair. It's also not fair on his older daughter and it's not fair on you.

I grew up in a 'secrets and lies' household while being told at the same time never to lie myself. It's a weird way to live and deeply unsettling.

I don't know what your course of action should be. I'd be tempted to tell your daughter what you know but that's me and it would obviously cause a huge bust up. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful.

DayLillie · 25/09/2014 16:02

I think he is going to struggle to explain the bedroom arrangements.

Maybe it is best to assume that the cat will come out of the bag during this holiday and to plan accordingly.

skylark2 · 25/09/2014 16:10

This all sounds bonkers to me. Why would anyone tell a young teen the truth if they were desperate for another adult to believe a lie?

The only time I can imagine it being acceptable to ask a 13 year old to lie would be if they were considered old enough to know about something that a much younger child wasn't. My initial assumption was that your DSD was about five.

I think she's already guessed, and the only possible way this can avoid being a total disaster is for you and your DD to absolutely consistently say "you need to ask your dad about that."

Original poster
wonderingstar01 · 25/09/2014 16:19

He doesn't want to appear anything other than perfect in her eyes.

She worships him and he positively glows in the light she thinks shines from his backside. That's not to say he hasn't been a good dad because he's been too good. He's always put her needs and feelings above all else, including staying in a loveless 25 year relationship with her mother simply so his DD wouldn't miss out on having a proper family.

When he split from her mother, they had a period of time when it was just the two of them and although she pushed him away, striving for her own independence, he still played an enormous part in her life. He has just spent a year and a half going through a very rough patch with her because she's ceased to be the only priority in his life and it made her feel insecure. Yes, she is needy.

I think though, regardless of what he's lied to her about, the subject matter is irrelevant. It's his approach to making sure she doesn't find out that's the most disturbing to me.

I'm probably painting him in a very bad light and I shouldn't because apart from his blinkered approach to his DD, he is an amazing partner and I certainly don't want to be without him.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 25/09/2014 17:00

He sounds like a total knob.

magoria · 25/09/2014 17:07

He is blaming you because his lies may unravel.

He is telling your DD to keep her mouth shut or his lies will be her fault.

His comments have made is adult DD think you are manipulating him to marry you and caused her to have issues with you as a result.

He is willing to lie and compound that lie for his own ends.

He will go to any length to protect himself even damaging your DD and your relationship with him if needs be before admitting what he has done.

If that is your idea of an amazing partner heaven help you.

annielouisa · 25/09/2014 17:22

Is her biological father as I could see that as a secret he may want to keep if she is fragile? Or perhaps he is the father of your DD which would mean she was born while he was still in that so called loveless marriage. I know you won't answer but all kinds of convoluted scenarios are going around in my head?

I kept a very big secret from my DD1 and DD2 for a very long time and was so relieved to finally be honest. I had not done anything wrong I was the victim but it was really hard to share the truth.

Secrets hidden from those you love will come out eventually and it is better if the secret keeper is honest as they can chose the time and place to share.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 25/09/2014 18:31

And think how she'll feel if this all comes out while they're on holiday. Because you know it will, if she doesn't know about it before you go. Everyone else there will know, and she will have just found out. Think of how devastated she will be. It's cruel.

I have a few suspicions what this secret is, but honestly, just TELL her. If I was the 32yo dd, I would struggle to forgive years of lies that only came out by accident - because it would imply that you NEVER were going to tell me - making me a bit of a laughing stock as everyone else knew. I'd have more respect if you'd sat me down and just told me.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 25/09/2014 18:32

And I'm utterly baffled why you would want to marry someone who is so manipulative and cruel. Doesn't it even make you wonder what secrets he is keeping from you?? I would...

hamptoncourt · 25/09/2014 18:45

Another one here who is amazed your bar is set so low that you wish to marry this liar.

My conversation with him would go like this "You tell DSD what actually happened or I will - this whole situation is ridiculous and I will not have my DD blamed/compromised"

Him sharing a room with her on a family holiday when you are there is just fucking weird.

Good luck.

Zucker · 25/09/2014 18:47

The daughter is 32?

32 actual years old and your partner thinks its fine and normal to treat her like a 4 year old in keeping information from her and everyone around her knows this awful truth including a 13 year old child. He is now going to sleep in the same room as his 32 year old daughter to keep this dastardly secret from her. Your partner has a few screws loose I'm afraid. You are as bad in enabling this situation.

Bulbasaur · 25/09/2014 18:53

he's going to sleep in a room with his daughter so her and my DD can't "chit-chat" in the night.

He's going to share a room with his adult daughter instead of his partner... What the actual fuck did I just read??

You need to put your foot down on this. Tell him hell no. You are going on holiday with him, and he is sleeping with you. This is just absolutely ridiculous.

I'd tell her myself at this point. Honestly, just tell her. She probably already knows, and then your DP can stop this idiocy.

borisgudanov · 25/09/2014 19:17

Sorry OP but this is seriously twatty behaviour, no matter what he's done. Bullying DCs into hiding his ugly secrets? A recipe for disaster and hardly the mark of an "amazing partner".

I'd tell him he has 48 hours to tell her the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Otherwise he's sitting in the street on his are surrounded by bin bags. And the same fate if he ever acts like such an are again or if he fucks up your holiday.

Or do you want to confirm to him that white like this is OK?

borisgudanov · 25/09/2014 19:17

shite like this.

NorwaySpruce · 25/09/2014 19:19

Honestly, if this 32 year old daughter doesn't go ape-shit at the suggestion of sharing her bedroom with Daddy, you have far bigger problems than worrying about your 13 year old having to lie Shock

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 25/09/2014 19:19

He's going to share a room with his adult daughter instead of his partner.

Yeah, because THAT won't raise eyebrows.... Hmm

CrotchMaven · 25/09/2014 19:23

This is mind-boggling. However, I've been witness to many men people lying their arses off to save face or avoid getting flack. That he is involved you and your daughter is odd, and for me would be troubling.

Well, you know now what he'll do to save face, avoid dealing with hassle and maintain a relationship not based on the full facts. What would he hide from you?

emotionsecho · 25/09/2014 19:44

This gets worse OP, is he going to be ready and on guard all day as well to stop anyone who knows this lie from speaking to his daughter. Perhaps everyone should take a vow of silence on the holiday. It is so ridiculous it actually beggars belief.

As for him sharing a room with his 32 year old daughter instead of his partner, words fail me.

I would suggest you tell him to confess to the lie or you and your daughter will go on the holiday without him.

You are not describing a principled man here, in fact quite the opposite and as others have said do you really not see the level of manipulation and blame here, I couldn't marry someone who put saving his skin and his image above honesty and respsonsibility.

ChippingInLatteLover · 25/09/2014 20:17

What in god's name did he lie to her about?

You say you are getting married to him next year?!

If you were my friend IRL you wouldn't be. He's an absolute idiot. Not for lying in the first place (she who throws stones and all that) but for every single thing that he has said and done about it since.

He's pandering to a 32 year old grown woman - how much of that can you take??????????

ChippingInLatteLover · 25/09/2014 20:18

Ignore all the other shit, walk away from this man. He is not one you want to saddle yourself with, he's really not. Open your eyes Flowers

Castlemilk · 25/09/2014 20:29

Jesus.

Well, first thing is I think you need to take the blinkers off here. This is seriously weird. HE is seriously weird. The relationship is seriously weird.

My only reply to his suggestion that he sleep in with her would be 'you won't need to - me and DD won't be coming, and you can forget the wedding too.'

Yes, it's at that level. Don't marry this person. What he is doing, and what he has by the sound of it always done - is feeding you and your DD to the proverbial lions so he can maintain the (sorry) complete pathetic lie of a relationship he has with his daughter. He's already tried to hint that he's only getting married because big bad you is forcing him too? When really he's love nothing better than to stay single sitting by the phone incase his favowit favowit daddy's daughter needs a lift somewhere?

You need to nip this right here if your marriage is going to have the least chance of success. This woman is 32 FGS! And, has he registered the irony of behaving like this over her- have you pointed out that this is the kind of thing people do when they have WEAK relationships with others? So their relationship is so weak and meaningless that it can't handle everyday truths?

No way would I go on holiday and have my partner share a room with his adult daughter instead of me. Seriously, how on earth do you imagine you will be able to handle displaying that kind of weirdness as a 'family'? What are you going to say to people?! Including your DD.

This guy is just... um no. No.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/09/2014 00:11

Oh dear. So sorry OP, but I do think you are struggling to see the wood for the trees here.

Trees - "He's always put her needs and feelings above all else, including staying in a loveless 25 year relationship with her mother simply so his DD wouldn't miss out on having a proper family."

Wood - He subjected her to a tense, strained and unhealthy home environment because he didn't have the bottle to provide a better, although divorced, experience for her. As such she has grown up with unrealistic expectations (to be the centre of his world forever) and an unhealthy relationship with him (no 32 year old should worship anyone).

And now look at where you all are. With him trying to shift blame onto the blameless, resolutely refusing to accept the reality that his daughter already knows he is lying to her and is very hurt by it.

I would be reassessing this man in the light of his recent behaviour.