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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP wants DD to lie

152 replies

wonderingstar01 · 24/09/2014 09:29

DP told his grown up daughter a lie and I told him at the time it would come back and bite him on the arse. He said he'd deal with it if it did.

Now there's a real possibility that his DD will be in the company of people who know the truth, including my own DD who is 13. To safeguard himself, he said he intended to speak to my DD and tell her to lie if posed any questions by his own DD. This is on the basis he has just managed to sort out what has been a very fractious relationship with his DD and he doesn't want to jeopardise it.

In all likelihood, other people will make innocent remarks which his DD will read into and put two and two together anyway.

That aside, no way do I think it acceptable to instruct a 13 year old to lie when I've spent all her life instilling her with the belief that it's wrong. DP's mantra has always been that he hates lies and liars but it seems that only applies to anyone lying to him.

Im really annoyed, particularly as he practically put the blame on my DD if anything were to come out. It's just not fair that he should compromise anyone else's integrity just to safeguard his own. It's his lie and I think he should own it.

I have a feeling he might cancel arrangements we've made to have a nice family holiday just in case he's compromised. Grrrrrrrr …...

OP posts:

Original poster

wonderingstar01 · 26/09/2014 14:04

You know, I lied to him - once. Well it wasn't exactly a lie, just an omission of the truth and I did it so as not to hurt his feelings, although I know that's no reason. One of my oldest family friends was coming down to my part of the country and said he'd like to take me and DD out to dinner. We went and I didn't tell DP but he found out by reading the messages on my phone, which I didn't hide because I never for one minute thought he would invade my privacy like that.

There wasn't any excuse, I was in the wrong and when he confronted me, I apologised and we moved on. The reality of it is I've never been allowed to forget it. It's the only time I've ever lied to him because I agreed with him that lies aren't worth it and they always come back and haunt you one day. He was, and is, right. Plus who out there can stand up and say they've never told a lie to their partner, ever.

But now we have a case of double-standards and he can't even see it.

OP posts:

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 26/09/2014 14:08

Still wondering why the bloody hell you're with this guy....

Let's see...
controlling
double standards
snoops through your phone messages
lies
puts you and your dd as low priority, runs roughshod over your feelings

WHY are you with him?? What can he POSSIBLY be bringing to the relationship??

NorwaySpruce · 26/09/2014 14:12

If you are prepared to put up with the kind of rubbish he's pulling OP, that's fine. Very few other people would be, unless they had no other option at all but to stay with him.

With every new detail you post here, he sounds more and more unpleasant, and actually, as though he has very little grip on what's going on outside of the twisted wasteland that is his mind.

I'd be running for the hills, and I suspect that if you were to ask your daughter's opinion, she'd say the same. The man sounds utterly unhinged.

NorwaySpruce · 26/09/2014 14:17

And how on earth would you spend three hours on the phone every evening anyway?

I'd run out of things to say after twenty minutes, tops!

cherrybombxo · 26/09/2014 14:23

There wasn't any excuse, I was in the wrong and when he confronted me, I apologised and we moved on.

Your weren't in any way "in the wrong", you went out to dinner with an old friend and your child. Hardly setting the stage for a steamy affair.

Your DP sounds controlling and manipulative, and he has some strange ideas about your DD. "I won't be dictated to by a 13yo"? Well, fuck off then. You need to put your child above everyone, including your nasty DP.

peppapigonaloop · 26/09/2014 14:27

Why are you not packing your bags and running? He sounds dreadful.

Why on earth would you spend all night ignoring your daughter to talk to him? WhT kind of person asks you to do that?
As an aside what the hell would you talk about?!

Original poster

wonderingstar01 · 26/09/2014 14:32

We don't run out of things to say but my argument is that I didn't make the decision to be overseas, he did, so why has it suddenly become my problem.

I'm not sure if my suspicions are unfounded or not but I get the distinct feeling he actually doesn't like my DD. I may be wrong, and I hope I am for everyone's sake because that isn't a sustainable situation.

His own DD has made, and continues to make, very poor choices in her life. She lives in a very undesirable part of a big city with a boyfriend who views crime as the way to get on in life. The impact of this is DP always has to pick up the pieces. She treats him like dirt half the time and I tend to voice my opinion, perhaps too voraciously about it. If I have a disagreement with my own DD - which tends to be about tidying her room, getting up in the morning, doing homework etc., he jumps right on the bandwagon and really has a go about how lazy and spoiled she is and she should have this taken from her and that taken from her, should have no friends over, shouldn't be given treats. Really extreme measures in the context of the disagreement. Could it be he's jealous?

I think I'm talking my way out of this relationship and I really don't want to. My reasons for staying though are getting less and less.

OP posts:

PlumpPartridge · 26/09/2014 14:35

The more you post, the worse he sounds. And the thing is, I bet you're trying your best to be balanced and fair. If a person still sounds awful even when you try your best to ameliorate them, then that's pretty telling

I'd seriously be rethinking my future with this person op. He'll never interact differently with his DD, for one thing, so that is a constant that will be in your life forever. I broke off an engagement with a long-term partner 6 months prior to the day, so rest assured that I know of what I speak.

Good luck.

PlumpPartridge · 26/09/2014 14:37

Oh thank heavens, x-posted!

I repeat, he sounds like he has a very involved relationship with his daughter and it does not sound healthy. Extract yourself, now.

peppapigonaloop · 26/09/2014 14:38

Why don't you want to talk yourself out of it? You yhink he doesn't like your DD now? And is punishing her unfairly?

How will he be in a couple of years when she is testing her teenage boundaries? If you have an inkling he doesn't like her I would put good money on her knowing full well he doesn't!

Original poster

wonderingstar01 · 26/09/2014 14:43

I know I'm asking a different question but are there any step-parents out there who have successfully blended two families together when there was initial animosity between everyone involved? Does it ever work?

I'm not grasping at straws but don't want to make any major decisions about this until I have all the information I need.

Thank you!

OP posts:

Pippidoeswhatshewants · 26/09/2014 14:49

Blimey, OP, this is not how families or step families work!
The whole thing is absolutely ridiculous and, frankly, I would run for he hills.
Who in their right mind puts that much pressure on his partner and her daughter to cover up a minor lie, to avoid looking like a dick? I think this whole circus makes him look like a massive idiot.

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 26/09/2014 15:11

In answer to your latest question, stepfamilies only work when everyone is honest, treating each other with respect and can communicate their needs. Please don't marry this man, you deserve so much better.

PlumpPartridge · 26/09/2014 15:12

op, I get your hesitance, but what level of information do you think would be enough? I mean, it's not like you're going to get a certified letter from God stating that you and your partner will have an unhappy life and that it's best to separate now. We'd all love that level of confirmation, but you won't get it.
All you can do is base a decision on the knowledge you currently have about your OWN situation - other people's lives, frankly, are not relevant to yours.

So far, you've said that he wants his adult daughter (I am also 32 btw) to look up to him and that he will try to persuade both you and your daughter to lie in order to enable this.

You've also said that you're not certain he actually likes your DD and that his suggestions for managing her more difficult behaviour have not been in line with what you consider appropriate to the situation. You said that they seem OTT.

You've said that he wanted you to spend hours on the phone to him every night whilst he's away and that your daughter will just have to lump it. He does sound jealous of her and, in context of the point above, like he is eager for an excuse to criticise her.

Playing amateur psychologist for a minute: he spent 25 years in a loveless marriage and presumably, in that time, got very close to his DD. I'd guess that it was them two against the world, in their heads, with the specific enemy being her mum. That situation doesn't exist anymore, but now he lives with you and your DD. Is it just possible that he is falling back into the habit of 'us versus the world', only this time it's you and him versus your DD, as she is the only other person there all the time? I ask this because I've observed the habit of selecting a scapegoat in my own family; it is not nice and I am trying to break us out of it. If he is doing something like that, it may not be conscious at all, but habit is a powerful thing. He might even get very upset if you suggested such a thing was happening.

That digression aside, the point remains: he does not sound like a good choice of long-term family, either for you or your DD. For whatever reason and possibly through no fault of his own, he sounds damaged. You might be fine with that if you were the only one affected, but you have a DD. She doesn't deserve the uncertainty that living with a person like this will surely bring, IMO anyway.

I hope some of that helps

QueenofallIsee · 26/09/2014 15:14

I have a DD whose Dad is on the scene, he is remarried, I am in a long term relationship and have had 3 subsequent children with my partner. Under no circumstances would that situation EVER have happened if I had even a whiff of my DP not liking my daughter and not being a good influence on her. My ex would undoubtedly be the same - thankfully my daughter has 2 amazing step parents. I left my ex husband (not for DP) and he took it hard - we had a few rough years before it settled down and there was some animosity initially but crucially between the ADULTS not an adults and the child.

Sorry OP, he sounds like a complete and utter tool

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 26/09/2014 15:24

In my opinion expecting your DD to lie for him shows him to be a weak, nasty, pathetic person and not a good partner or stepfather.

myroomisatip · 26/09/2014 15:26

My Ex was the father of our two children. He favoured one and he constantly insulted and belittled the other.

I cant begin to tell you the effect that he had on our family :(

My children hate each other, one of them hates me. I blame myself for not having the courage to end the relationship sooner.

I hope your daughter is not harmed by your situation.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 26/09/2014 15:35

I'd say from your posts that it's fairly obvious he doesn't like your 13yo dd. It's only going to get worse, you know.

Please put her first.

upthedamnwotsit · 26/09/2014 15:58

I have no words for that post about how you should be spending every night talking to him on the phone (up to three hours!) instead of having any quality time with your daughter

He must have very little respect for you and your daughter's relationship, since he believes he supersedes it. God, he sounds like he's in competition with her, wanting to shut her out so he can occupy you for hours at a time with his phone calls. Even siblings realise that a parent has to spend time with the other children, but he, a grown man, wants you all to himself and sees her as 'dictating' to him.

A lot of what you've said makes him seem totally deranged tbh.

CiderwithBuda · 26/09/2014 16:08

Tbh the lie to his dd is not great and the wanting your dd to lie is unfair.
The planning to share a room with his dd on the holiday is bonkers.
Him having to be seen as god to his dd is worrying.
Snooping through your phone is really not on.

But insisting you spend all evening on the phone to him "and dd will just have to accept it" is down right nasty, controlling, selfish and entitled.

Honestly. You need to put your dd first. You can't marry him. He will destroy your relationship with your dd.

Phalenopsis · 26/09/2014 16:12

When I posted earlier, I thought the situation was bonkers. After reading your most recent posts, I think the situation is abusive and your fiance is completely weird. He is trying to come between you and your daughter, is treating her a very distant second to the 32 year old and is controlling of you.

This won't get any better and you really need to put yourself and your daughter first and get away from him and his frankly, twisted mind.

ChasedByBees · 26/09/2014 16:30

I get the distinct feeling he doesn't like your daughter too. He's not suddenly going to like her once you're married. This is the time he's trying to impress you. You are seeing the best he has to offer right now.

annielouisa · 26/09/2014 16:52

Please put yourself an your DD first LTB as he and his dysfunctional DD are bad, bad news get out before he destroys you and your DD!!

Squigglypig · 26/09/2014 17:06

This is bringing back painful memories for me, at around the same age as your DD my mum got involved with a man who made it clear he didn't like me (wouldn't eat with me, was constantly critical, in the end wouldn't speak to me). My mum never supported me and I just felt pushed out really. I left home as soon as I was able to and my relationship with my mum is not the same anymore as I just don't trust her.

It's up to you if you chops to stay with this man but do not let him create a wedge between you and your daughter. I agree with others that he sounds very controlling and that won't be better after wedding.

I'm ignoring stuff re his DD as frankly the relationship sounds incredibly weird and you're best off out of it

Squigglypig · 26/09/2014 17:07

Choose not chops.

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