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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect her to do some of the travelling?

235 replies

Justkeepsmiling1 · 20/09/2014 17:42

DP and his ex used to live about a 10-15minute walk away from each other so travel for contact of their 4 yr old was never an issue. About a yr ago his ex moved 10 or so miles away, which doesn't sound far but since both rely on public transport, is actually about a 40 minute bus journey - buses really suck here! She expected him to do all transport which was unfair (IMO) but he did it as it was the only way he was able to see his son. We've now moved another 20 miles (a 50 min train journey) in the opposite direction and when he spoke to her about it before moving, she agreed she'd meet in the place they used to live so they'd share travelling. Unfortunately, that's not happened and DP faces huge arguments if he tries sticking to the agreement of meeting halfway(ish) instead of taking him / picking him up directly from her flat. She says it was our choice to move (fair enough) but fails to see it was her choice to move in the first place!
Aibu to expect her to help with transport? If we were the only ones that moved I could understand it but at the end of the day she moved too so IMO should help! Yesterday she started shouting and swearing at DP as he said he'd drop him back in the middle tomorrow (like originally agreed) instead of flat! We would never ever expect her to come all the way here but she thinks it's DP's duty to go all the way to her.

OP posts:
basgetti · 21/09/2014 17:34

Several posters? Where?

formerbabe · 21/09/2014 17:35

Mumu...who is buying food for the child on a daily basis then?

YesIDidMeanToBeSoRudeActually · 21/09/2014 17:35

Op, we had DC fairly young and DH was a SAHD for over a decade while I worked. Sadly I had to stop working recently due to ill health and within less than a month DH had secured an evening job plus a full time job. Nothing fancy, just labouring type stuff and cleaning but when you have DC you have to feed and clothe them.

If he can do this, with the disadvantage of being older and out of work longer than your DP, and having DCS with SN and an ill wife, I'm pretty sure your DP could. My DH is upstairs sleeping right now as he is bloody knackered but we could give the children their pocket money today and that's what counts. Plus food, clothing, a roof etc etc of course.

mumukahoney · 21/09/2014 17:37

formerbabe From what I understand she isn't working and her new partner is paying for the child. OP correct me if I'm wrong please

FlossyMoo · 21/09/2014 17:38

Does this apply to the Mother too? Sorry if I've misunderstood but she isn't/hasn't provided for her child either.

Well it appears she did work but is now a SAHM. Any benefits she is in receipt of will go to pay for the child as I doubt he is living off fresh air. I would also imagine she is the one who is there middle of the night when he is sick, gets him ready for school, looks after him daily, cooks, does his laundry ect ect.

At the end of the day this man does not do any of those things and now he is complaining that he cannot afford the bus fare to go see his child and expects his ex to pay money to meet him half way.

formerbabe · 21/09/2014 17:38

If she is claiming benefits which she is entitled to then she is the one supporting the child..like it or not.

googoodolly · 21/09/2014 17:38

The ex IS stepping up. She's there 24/7 and looking after him. She feeds him and puts nappies on his backside and puts him to bed and looks after him when he's sick.

The OP's DP provides nothing financially and sees his DC once a fortnight when he's not complaining about the bus fare.

basgetti · 21/09/2014 17:39

So she has an agreement with her partner that she is a SAHM, that still requires ensuring the child is clothed and fed, however they organise their finances between them. OP's partner has been able to opt out of responsibility completely.

mumukahoney · 21/09/2014 17:42

Bagetti I can't be bothered to go back and quote but the general tone of some posters is that is was a feckless layabout when he was staying at home with the child and he's a feckless layabout now he's studying.
Although as I said earlier I do agree he should be looking to get better paid part-time work to go alongside his study.
He's only young. He has his whole work like ahead of him - he's made some bad choices that have meant his not qualified for anything but I don't think we should hang him out to dry. He's 23 FFS.
I definitely didn't have it all together at 23.

mumukahoney · 21/09/2014 17:43

Typos sorry - using my phone and hard to look back!

formerbabe · 21/09/2014 17:45

I didn't have it all together at 23 either...I also didn't have children then.

Once you have kids you get your shit together whatever age you are.

mumukahoney · 21/09/2014 17:45

'The ex IS stepping up. She's there 24/7 and looking after him. She feeds him and puts nappies on his backside and puts him to bed and looks after him when he's sick.'

Is this not what he was doing as a SAHD?

JanineStHubbins · 21/09/2014 17:46

He's not a SAHD now, mumuka, which is what matters. He's not stepping up for his child now.

everynameisbloodytaken · 21/09/2014 17:46

I'd suggest you boyfriend did some voluntary work OP... that would give him some experience and look good on his CV. ..

mumukahoney · 21/09/2014 17:46

'So she has an agreement with her partner that she is a SAHM, that still requires ensuring the child is clothed and fed, however they organise their finances between them. OP's partner has been able to opt out of responsibility completely.'

And when he was a SAHD and the ex-partner was studying is this not what they were doing?

FlossyMoo · 21/09/2014 17:48

Is this not what he was doing as a SAHD

Yes he was but now he is NOT a SAHD. So given that he is no longer doing any of the things listed do you not think it is about time he got a job? His child needs clothes/food/money now.

JanineStHubbins · 21/09/2014 17:48

The thread is about his contribution NOW

basgetti · 21/09/2014 17:48

He hasn't been a SAHD for quite sometime. On the OP's other thread she mentioned him having been on JSA for the last year and assessed as nil rate for maintenance for that time.

Lj8893 · 21/09/2014 17:49

I didn't have my shit together at 23, and im trying to better myself now at 26 with a baby. I did my research and am able to do a course that i can manage to do while still working and contributing to my household. If i couldn't find a course that allowed that then i wouldn't have done that course and just worked instead. Simple as that really.
he either finds a more stable better paid part time job, or he finds a different course that allows him to work, or he quits and finds full time work instead.

mumukahoney · 21/09/2014 17:50

Yes flossy I completely agree and suggested care work may be good for experience and cash flow.
However a lot of the attitudes have been that he's NEVER been there or provided for the child even though he was a SAHD for a while. That seems unfair to me.

mumukahoney · 21/09/2014 17:52

I get the original post is about now but lots of posters have bought up what he has done in the past. I didn't realise only certain posters could mention certain things.

MrsWinnibago · 21/09/2014 17:53

Honey this thread isn't about the Mother. She's not here to put her story forward or defend herself.

BlackWings · 21/09/2014 17:54

Well we don't really know that do we mamuka. Maybe she wasn't happy with him not working. We don't know she was in agreement with that. As a young student parent she would have had access to free or heavily subsidized childcare if it was needed.
Sounds like this man has spent his adulthood living off the women in his life and continues to do so.

FlossyMoo · 21/09/2014 17:55

mum I have gone back and read the thread and tbh I cannot find any posts which suggests he was a tosspot for being a SAHD.

You may read things differently to me but at the end of the day what he did in the past is not going to feed this child in the future. NOW is important the past is history.

mumukahoney · 21/09/2014 17:59

mrs I'm not really talking about her specifically I just find some of the hypocrisy of a SAHM providing and doing everything for the child and a SAHD being a cocklodger sad.
I also don't like the 'man up' and 'real' man phrases. At the end of the day he may be a total twat, he may be lovely, I don't him. But the attitudes towards men make me hope things have changes when DS grows up.
And of course I'd hope DS would support the Mother of his child and have good prospects before any one says that, I just mean the attitudes in general.