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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect her to do some of the travelling?

235 replies

Justkeepsmiling1 · 20/09/2014 17:42

DP and his ex used to live about a 10-15minute walk away from each other so travel for contact of their 4 yr old was never an issue. About a yr ago his ex moved 10 or so miles away, which doesn't sound far but since both rely on public transport, is actually about a 40 minute bus journey - buses really suck here! She expected him to do all transport which was unfair (IMO) but he did it as it was the only way he was able to see his son. We've now moved another 20 miles (a 50 min train journey) in the opposite direction and when he spoke to her about it before moving, she agreed she'd meet in the place they used to live so they'd share travelling. Unfortunately, that's not happened and DP faces huge arguments if he tries sticking to the agreement of meeting halfway(ish) instead of taking him / picking him up directly from her flat. She says it was our choice to move (fair enough) but fails to see it was her choice to move in the first place!
Aibu to expect her to help with transport? If we were the only ones that moved I could understand it but at the end of the day she moved too so IMO should help! Yesterday she started shouting and swearing at DP as he said he'd drop him back in the middle tomorrow (like originally agreed) instead of flat! We would never ever expect her to come all the way here but she thinks it's DP's duty to go all the way to her.

OP posts:
needaholidaynow · 20/09/2014 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HaPPy8 · 20/09/2014 19:13

A 50 minute journey? How often does he have contact? It doesn't sound like much of a hardship to see his son to be honest. YABU.

in2theblues · 20/09/2014 19:17

If he's gonna qualify and be a high flyer in future he'll need a car.

I'm always suspicious of grown men who don't drive unless it's health related. It smacks of avoiding responsibility for one's role in the real world.

The above applies to grown women too but being a mum is a 24 hour job so sometimes driving takes a back seat.

mynewpassion · 20/09/2014 19:37

Use that 10 quid a week to pay for transportation to see his son and some clothes.

Original poster
Justkeepsmiling1 · 20/09/2014 19:41

Mrs why would he work in the evenings when at the time they had enough money coming in when they were still together? No idea how but there we go, not my issue.

Basgetti point is surely £10 is better than nothing when she originally agreed to meet halfway without having maintenance. I can understand not wanting to pay it straight back out but at end of the day surely £10 is better than nothing. Besides, there wasn't a stipulation that if she accepted she'd have to change the already in place agreement to meet halfway. He could use the £10 but it's my £10, not his! As stated in my other thread he only brings in £8 a week which is more than his current train fare. Though we will defo look into a railcard.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 20/09/2014 19:42

I'm always suspicious of grown men who don't drive unless it's health related. It smacks of avoiding responsibility for one's role in the real world.

This!

Original poster
Justkeepsmiling1 · 20/09/2014 19:46

Not sure what happened there, for some reason my phone didn't update and I didn't see the latest messages.

She's just as capable as learning to drive as him, surely. One cannot say being a mum is a full time job when he was in nursery 5 mornings a week and now school all day. I can't drive either, does that mean I "smack of avoiding responsibility"? Sometimes finances don't allow such things.

I know 20 miles is a fair distance which is why they agreed midway (to where she moved from!!) since it's not her fault we chose to move. I really can't understand why only NRP's are expected to travel when RP chooses to move! He had no say over it just like she had no say over us moving.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justkeepsmiling1 · 20/09/2014 19:48

50mins each way is fine, it's the 40mins each on top as well which I know isn't really that far, I'm just annoyed she agreed to meet in the place she chose to move from and is now shouting and swearing when DP expects her to stick to it.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 20/09/2014 19:50

I really can't understand why only NRP's are expected to travel when RP chooses to move!

Maybe because the RP is doing the vast majority of the parenting which is dam hard work....

HeySoulSister · 20/09/2014 19:50

God he sounds a bit wet! Why does he need you to get a MN opinion!?

in2theblues · 20/09/2014 19:58

One cannot say being a mum is a full time job when he was in nursery 5 mornings a week and now school all day.

Oh lordy lord this is not the case. Especially when one's ex is so feckless. A tenner a week maintenance is far too much trouble to handle and a flippin' insult.

CundtBake · 20/09/2014 19:58

I'm always suspicious of grown men who don't drive unless it's health related. It smacks of avoiding responsibility for one's role in the real world.

What?
My dad didn't drive, he had a few lessons and really didn't like it. He has worked his whole life, is a brilliant father and a brilliant man. He knows the London public transport routes like the back of his hand. Stop being ridiculous.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 20/09/2014 20:01

Did you say he only earns £8 a week? That seems incredibly part time?

basgetti · 20/09/2014 20:05

£10 maybe better than nothing but it isn't going to go far, especially if she is expected to pay travel costs too. Tbh, I'm suprised your DP isn't too embarrassed to be complaining about this issue. He may not be in a position to provide for his child at the moment but he shouldn't be adding insult to injury and moaning about the bare minimum he is being expected to do.

WoodliceCollection · 20/09/2014 20:12

YABU, but equally they're both BU. Meeting half way is clearly ridiculous unless both of them have a reason to be at the midpoint place (work there or something). The general rule should be that the person without the child does the travelling, so maybe he collects and she picks up, or something, but fannying about in the rain in some town there is no need to be in is ridiculous. Also one or both of them should learn to drive if they are going to be in this situation long term and public transport won't improve. It's really not fair on the child to bicker, and it's not fair to count pennies over who's moved because these days people do have to move regularly for work etc.

MomOfABeast · 20/09/2014 20:13

MrsWinnibago I think you're being a bit unfair. Who cares if most men wouldn't be a stay at home dad, I don't see why it's any different from women being stay at home mums at you wouldn't normally accuse a stay at home mum of being unwilling to work by looking after her children.

It's also stupid to imagine that something that affects your partner is "none of your business". If it affects her DP so it also affects her and of course you're going to have an opinion on it and discuss it with your partner. That doesn't mean you should involve yourself in negotiations or attempt to initiate changes yourself but of course it's your business and you have a vested interest.

in2theblues · 20/09/2014 20:26

CudntBake your dad is brilliant and if I had to live in London again I'd think twice about having a car because the public transport so effective.

Round here though it's impossible to get to work without one.

mommy2ash · 20/09/2014 20:28

if he isn't paying any maintenance then he should do the travel. why should His ex be completely financially responsible for their child and also bear some financial strain for his contact sessions. that doesn't make sense to me.

MrsWinnibago · 20/09/2014 20:31

Listen OP..you said Mrs why would he work in the evenings when at the time they had enough money coming in when they were still together? No idea how but there we go, not my issue

Well it IS your issue. If she was in full time education she will have had benefits/grant to live on which he was also sharing....their rent would have been largely covered but there would not have been "enough coming in" and it IS your issue because ANY adult with half an ounce of sense would know that he was basically living off benefits and "being a sahd" when there was no need.

Out of interest, what is he training for? I hope to God for your sake and of course his child's sake that it is something viable....like the police force...and not an HND in sports health or some such rubbish.

You're intent on making excuses for someone who can't even earn his train fair to see his child...he has a child...this alone means that he has to go the extra mile. He's not doing it...which is why you're shelling out. Either put up and shut up or see that he takes responsibility for his child....it is not the Mother's fault.

MrsWinnibago · 20/09/2014 20:33

MumofBeast maybe I am being unfair but really...think about it...a couple with a child...one wants to go to college. The other gets a bloody job! You can't be a sahp with one half in full time eduacation!

Mandatorymongoose · 20/09/2014 20:35

I don't think the ex should have to pay for your DP to see his son. She looks after him most of the time, shoulders all of the financially responsibility so I think yabu to expect her to also go out of her way to travel 40 minutes and pay for that too.

I get where you're coming from in that she also moved - but you had the option of staying where you were or moving closer when you chose to move too.

TaraKnowles · 20/09/2014 20:37

Is this every week or every other week? The costs aren't probably much more to go the whole way.

Have you moved to be nearer to the college that your dp attends, or to be closer to potential employers?

I'm thinking that 50 minutes on the bus, plus a walk one end is what I had to do to see my mum when I lived in the same county as her. I don't drive either, but it was fine. Meeting half way might not be optimal for the lil man. It might be a bit horrid for him.

Where would they meet? At a station or a bus stop? Surely that would be a miserable time for all of them. Or in a pub or cafe, which would cost a couple of drinks and negate the cost benefit.

Maybe a park would be better, but I don't think ideal, especially with overnight bags, and the weather could be inclement.

Maybe let this battle go.

MomOfABeast · 20/09/2014 20:40

You have a point but surely she would be half responsible for getting a job in the evening. I know I was less tired after a day in college than a day looking after a kid.

MrsWinnibago · 20/09/2014 20:41

Yes for sure MumofaBeast she should have....but I assume she was doing the baby thing when she got home from college...most Mothers would want to after a day away from the child. And college full time is hard enough to then not go out every night...not when he was sat there capable.

littledrummergirl · 20/09/2014 20:58

Yabvu.

Your dp has a child, this child shpuld be the centre of his world.

If his ex wont accept maintenance then he needs to put it away in a bank account for his dc.
When that dc has the opportunity of trips abroad, gap year, car, house deposit then your dp can provide the funds.

Your dp should have budgeted the financial cost of seeing his dc when he moved away. Regardless of any verbal agreement he should have considered worst case scenario.

How many xbox/ps3 games does your dp have? How much does he smoke?

Why is he not busting a gut to support his dc?

Why are you determind to think that he is as pure as snow and blame everything on his ex?