To expect her to do some of the travelling?

[Justkeepsmiling1]

DP and his ex used to live about a 10-15minute walk away from each other so travel for contact of their 4 yr old was never an issue. About a yr ago his ex moved 10 or so miles away, which doesn't sound far but since both rely on public transport, is actually about a 40 minute bus journey - buses really suck here! She expected him to do all transport which was unfair (IMO) but he did it as it was the only way he was able to see his son. We've now moved another 20 miles (a 50 min train journey) in the opposite direction and when he spoke to her about it before moving, she agreed she'd meet in the place they used to live so they'd share travelling. Unfortunately, that's not happened and DP faces huge arguments if he tries sticking to the agreement of meeting halfway(ish) instead of taking him / picking him up directly from her flat. She says it was our choice to move (fair enough) but fails to see it was her choice to move in the first place!
Aibu to expect her to help with transport? If we were the only ones that moved I could understand it but at the end of the day she moved too so IMO should help! Yesterday she started shouting and swearing at DP as he said he'd drop him back in the middle tomorrow (like originally agreed) instead of flat! We would never ever expect her to come all the way here but she thinks it's DP's duty to go all the way to her.

He's not doing very well at it is he?

How old is he OP? Also has he had any help with applying for jobs? If he's just not getting them there will be some reason for that.

What a catch this 'man' sounds.
Ive known 15 year olds with a paper round who've more get up and go.

OP, nobody has been rude, just honest.

He doesn't pay maintenance and is moaning about paying for a 40 minute bus journey. That doesn't put him in a good light at all.

It's great he's doing a course, but that won't put food on the table and nappies on his child. At the moment, his ex is paying for everything and doing everything for his DC, and your ex has the audacity to complain about paying for the bus occasionally?

Blackwings the majority of things for our wedding are paid for by my parents or friends doing favours. His parents have contributed a little but not to a great extent. They've bought things like the best mans suit which is his brother who they'd pay everything for anyway. No one can force his parents to give him money for his son, they simply won't do it. His Mum will lend him money but he then needs to find a way to pay her back. His dad will occasionally and reluctantly help with transport but nothing else.

Mrs - no help with applying for jobs accept me but I'm very little help tbh, I really don't have that much experience. Job centres here are as useful as a chocolate tea pot - quick in, sign, out, with no help at all unfortunately. He's 23.

Lol googoodolly the ex does not pay for everything - her bf and CTC / CB does! I'm sorry but how is it not rude to call some a cock (or whatever was said). I'm failing to see how that's being polite and helping the situation??

You're not marrying him are you???

People aren't being rude, they are just a bit exasperated at this man child who seems to be expecting everyone else to pick up his slack. Yes you have now acknowledged that he needs to do the travelling, but why did he think it was acceptable to expect her to do it in the first place? He would happily see the household that is actually supporting his child have less money in order to facilitate his contact. It's also a bit rich to be criticising his ex for apparently being a sponger. I usually roll my eyes anyway at posts moaning about the 'lazy, money grabbing' ex, but this is the first time I've seen it posted by someone whose partner is making zero contribution. He just sounds a bit useless.

I'd think very seriously about tying yourself to this man, OP. He seems to have never supported himself, and certainly isn't behaving responsibly towards his child. Did you look at the cocklodger thread?

OP Let go of slagging his ex of and concentrate on the millstone you've ended up with! FFS are people desperate these days?

Sharon - so it's okay for Mum to claim all the benefits under the sun when she had a perfectly good job, shack up with her bf who now pays for all bills their end and she has no intention of getting a job in the next few years but it's not okay for my DP who's tried his best to get a job but can't and is now bettering himself?!

Lol googoodolly the ex does not pay for everything - her bf and CTC / CB does!

How much maintenance does your partner pay again?

She has a job- looking after a child who has a tosspot father. Thats more than a FT job!

Yes, she might be getting some benefits, but she's still there doing all the care and going out and buying everything. Your DP isn't the one getting up in the night or looking after him when he's sick or whatever else needs doing.

My DP is also a NRP. He pays maintenance every month and still pays to take his DC out for lunch or buys them toys on our contact time, and he pays for the transport to take them to/from ex's house. It's part of being a parent. Your DP needs to do any kind of work he can to support his child - it's not optional.

It will be a very long time before he benefits from the studying he does - as I said previously someone I know in his late 40's spent 3 years studying for a counselling qualification and is even now making little money. I don't think we were rude. I think we were realistic.

There are jobs out there and as MrsW said there will be a reason why he isn't getting through on anything. Does he get responses, interviews, anything? What about some sort of apprenticeship on gov.uk? I know someone who got a job through here - worth a try perhaps. Has he been on Learn Direct? They are good at providing you help at getting a job. What about the flyers I mentioned?

It's very defeatist to say he just can't get a job. Is he naturally defeatist? I know someone who took a year slogging away at getting a job that paid enough and was right - he just needs to keep going and something will turn up. It can be demoralising but you just have to keep going.

Sharon - she has a job looking after a child who's in school full time. She was more than willing for DP to be a full time stay at home Dad when she was in college and even when they split up he did the childcare for a while before it became 50:50 but now hes trying to better himself, not her, he's a tosspot?!

Bloody hell. Once again im aghast at how brainwashed and easily pleased with the crumbs thrown to them by any old tosspot women there are out there. I hope he has a huge pork sword to make up for his lowly existance!

You do not try to better yourself at the expense of your kids. Ive done two professional qualifications in the past 7 years and always worked alongside it- even in a greasy chippy aged 29. Yes hard work studying and working but its not an option to do anything else when you have children to provide for.

Roussette thanks for the link, I'll take a look. Yes it sounds defeatist saying he can't get a job but not once has he given up. Believe me he's trying. He's even applied for loads of apprenticeships to no avail. He's still continuously looking for a job whilst in college. Sure the hours he's in college those three days a week he can't look but as soon as he gets home he's straight away looking for a job. We figured it'd be better for him to try and better himself as well as looking instead of just say at home getting nowhere but more exasperated. If he wasn't in college he'd have 0 income let alone £8 a week.

And you havent answered the question about the realisticness of him bettering himself anytime soon doing a mickey mouse qualification surrounded by 16 year olds...please wake up and smell the coffee, men like this follow a pattern.

Just as well for the government and the bf then. You say that like it's a bad thing, whereas I tend to think supporting someone else's child is to be applauded. Stop making excuses OP. You didn't answer my earlier question, if you go on to have dc with this man then separate would you be happy for him to contribute nothing for several years?

Why would she be able to find a job that fits around school time hours when it is apparently impossible for your DP to find one when he could work 4 days a week and every evening?

What was he doing after he left school with GCSEs, OP? Before the child was born?

Basgetti she has childcare qualifications and left a job which fitted around school hours.

Blackwings yes I would be happy. If dp and I were to have a child it'd be with my full understanding he is currently in college studying. If we split up then why on earth would I expect him to pay maintenance when he simply doesn't have the money? I can't understand why stay at home dad's are regarded as "tosspots" but stay at home mums have a god given right to not get a paying job - it's ludicrous!

Janine he f*cked up before the baby was born. He started a levels and gave up because his mum was ill (lone parent with no support). He admits he should never have given up hence why he's trying to better himself now.