To expect her to do some of the travelling?

[Justkeepsmiling1]

DP and his ex used to live about a 10-15minute walk away from each other so travel for contact of their 4 yr old was never an issue. About a yr ago his ex moved 10 or so miles away, which doesn't sound far but since both rely on public transport, is actually about a 40 minute bus journey - buses really suck here! She expected him to do all transport which was unfair (IMO) but he did it as it was the only way he was able to see his son. We've now moved another 20 miles (a 50 min train journey) in the opposite direction and when he spoke to her about it before moving, she agreed she'd meet in the place they used to live so they'd share travelling. Unfortunately, that's not happened and DP faces huge arguments if he tries sticking to the agreement of meeting halfway(ish) instead of taking him / picking him up directly from her flat. She says it was our choice to move (fair enough) but fails to see it was her choice to move in the first place!
Aibu to expect her to help with transport? If we were the only ones that moved I could understand it but at the end of the day she moved too so IMO should help! Yesterday she started shouting and swearing at DP as he said he'd drop him back in the middle tomorrow (like originally agreed) instead of flat! We would never ever expect her to come all the way here but she thinks it's DP's duty to go all the way to her.

Wow. I can't believe you actually moved to increase his earning potential to £20 per month. £20 per month salary is worth moving so far away it warrants a train and bud journey to see his child?

I am speechless.

Thanks guys for all your posts. I really am sorry for slagging off the ex so much, it was wrong of me. I normally try so hard to see things from her point of view instead of just taking my DP's side. You're right, I don't like her, but that's because of some of the things that have happened in the past between her & I before DP & I even got together.

Some great advice about potential jobs, though he has continuously applied for cleaning / bar / waitressing etc since losing his last job and has only recently obtained a super sporadic bar / kitchen job. Good idea about caring jobs. It seems the general consensus is to suck it up and fund DP's transport until he manages to find another job.

I don't understand this whole issue with not driving. My friend has two young children, one in school one not and has never been able to drive. She manages just fine. The public transport here is excellent it's just getting back up to the ex's and in & around our previous town & her new place that proves difficult. Whilst we all hate the idea of DSS being ferried back and forth on public transport, we can't justify the expense of a car (nor can we afford right now) rather than just sucking it up and dealing with the cost of a train and a bus two times a fortnight. And yes, DP is useless and like a wet lettuce when it comes to managing his finances - it really is like he never grew out of that teenage phase most of us go through, or at least I went through when I first started uni with regards to managing limited finances.

Quint - we didn't move on the basis of him getting £20. My job is based between here & two other locations so here worked out best otherwise we'd be shelling out even more in transport and therefore have even less money. DP's earning potential is better long term here though evidently it hasn't worked out that way short term. Perhaps though, I should fund all of DP's transport without complaining since he probably wouldn't have moved in here with me if it wasn't for my job....

He's attending some sort of FE institution, so why not ask the other students where they are working?

House teen is a student in her 2nd year - she works at a call centre ach evening from 5 till 9 and has to travel 30 minutes each way by public transport. Over the holidays she trained as a nail technician and will be working in a salon over the weekend. this is the norm for most students. But not for your DP, apparently.

Don't get hung up on the whole public transport thing because many kids travel I hour each way on buses, trains etc to get to school. It is no big deal.

It seems very strange your OH isn't making more of an effort to support his son properly. How would he manage financially if something happened to his Ex and DS came to live with you full-time? Your last post makes him sound very immature and unwilling to accept the reality of having a child. His DS should be his first priority when it comes to his finances.

I think it depends on how much he wants to see his child. If mine didn't live with me, I would walk to the ends of the earth to see them.

I'm always suspicious of grown men who don't drive unless it's health related. It smacks of avoiding responsibility for one's role in the real world. What if he can't afford a car? It isn't all down to not being able to drive, but not being able to afford a car, registration & insurance, plus other related costs.

The above applies to grown women too but being a mum is a 24 hour job so sometimes driving takes a back seat. of course, as ever on MN, mums get an 'out' when men are expected to be able to be & do everything!

OP I read your other thread and you do sound lovely if not a little naive.

You need to take a step back and allow your DP to take responsibility for things in his life like having money and seeing his son.

He is taking advantage of you and you are letting him. He can get a job while studying many people do. He is allowing his poor financial situation and seeing his son to be your burden and it is not. He needs to grow up and you need to let him.

He is an adult and a father do you really want a relationship with somebody who does not put every effort in to accomplishing the basics in life?

You sound more distressed about the situation than your DP does tbh. I would also stop thinking about the exes situation so much, how she conducts her finances is none of your business.

Katie most of the people on his course are 16 and don't work. Call centre is a really good idea, thanks.

Flossy you're right about me stressing more about the situation than him. As I said in my previous post, I shouldn't have slagged her off and need to take a step back from things which don't concern me. As for his situation not concerning me, as a couple it does concern me but I agree on taking a step back. I guess really the whole situation frustrates me and sometimes it's easier to blame someone other than my DP, even though DP is also (and perhaps more so in this instance) to blame.

Just He is to blame not almost.

What do you think would happen if you said to him today:

"DP, I can no longer financially support you. You need to get a job. I will continue to pay the bills and food but I cannot continue this indefinitely. You will need to get a job and start contributing to our living costs and the living costs of your son. You have a month to do this otherwise we will need to look at your full time education going on hold and you getting a full time job"

Do you think he would take it on board and put his efforts in to finding some regular work or do you think he would finish with you?

I agree that not having a driving license or car is no big deal. DH didn't drive until his mid thirties and still mainly cycles everywhere (very fit). I gets on my nerves when people can't drive but then expect others to help them get here or there there though (unless disabled of course).

Great post from Italiangreyhound

Just you sound like a lovely supportive partner but honestly, your partner sounds like a total waste of space... sorry, but really...

What on earth would he do without you? He earns about £20 a month or whatever, how would he cope? I think you are enabling him to be like this, I honestly do. Sometimes when people leave Uni, they just pratt around trying to find their way and trying different things to see what they like, and faffing around whilst others pick up the pieces, and your partner sounds like one of these. You (and he I presume) are putting a lot of faith into the counselling possibilities but is it a bit pie in the sky? If all you have both done is chat to a couple of people you know who said it would be good, that is hardly formal research into earning potential is it... ?

I know someone who has done similar. He combined his studies with some voluntary work and some care work, he is three years down the line and he has two clients who he counsels, so far it's only pin money and he is much older than your partner and it is a career change for him after enough redundancy money to cushion this choice. It can take years to build up a counselling business.

He needs to get a job that fits in round his studies and I know you say there aren't any, but he must start with looking close to home and if there isn't anything, he should extend his search further out bit by bit. There are jobs out there if you get your head down and really really work on it. Get him to do a flyer (it will have to be worded in such a way that makes him ready willing and able to take on anything), and he should take them round shops/pubs/businesses and sell himself.

How long does your partner spend online (not gaming!) looking for work? There is possibilities out there but looking for a job has to almost become a full time job in itself. Your partner sounds rather passive and lazy to be honest and the longer this goes on the more frustrated you are going to get because you sound like the driving force in the relationship.

Katie most of the people on his course are 16 and don't work

Slightly off topic, but do they really accept 16 year olds on counselling courses?

The councilling course I did you had to be over 21 .
And that was for the 1st 18 week course then ther was another 18 week course .
These were both one day a week.
The next course was the diploma that lasted 2 years again one day a week plus coiming to councill the public and councilling for your self that you would have to pay for.
You could go uni and do degree instead of the diploma.

None of the course I did we're free unless you were on benefits .

Get a family railcard, 1/3 off for the adult, 60% off for the child. Child has to be travelling with the adult so only good when the child is with you but could cut down costs. If DP qualifies for a disabled persons railcard, he can get one for £20 per year which he could use when he isn't with his DS which would save a 1/3.

Is this counselling course with 16 year old, an A level course in psychology?

OP, I've read both your threads open mouthed. Just to give you a little perspective, I am a LP and I too am studying for a degree to give my dc a more secure future. However as I have to provide my dc with a home/food/clothes I cannot afford the luxury of being a f/t student so I work during the day and study in the evenings. I also raise my dc and run a home single handedly. Not providing my dc with 3 meals a day every day IS NOT an option. If you dp's ex stopped providing for their dc they would be removed by ss.
If you had dc with this man then separated and he decided not to support them for a few years would you be ok with this?
On top of that you think she should pay for him to see his dc too? And you can't see how this is unreasonable? Really?
Sorry but you're living with a manchild and you're sounding like his mother.

Is he doing an A-Level if his classmates are 16? Or similar.

This isn't going to lead to a decent job without years more of study.

I'm stunned that he makes so little effort to earn money. £8 a week! You're being taken for a ride. He needs to grow up.

cocklodger in training.

op you sound really lovely but I have a feeling you will look back on all this in a few years time and think what was i doing.

your boyfriend isn't gaining any kind of earning potential. let's be realistic. he is on a counselling course with a bunch of 16 year olds. if it accepts 16 year olds it isn't the height of academia and if he can't even find part time work as a cleaner now how will he find work relating to counselling with whatever certificate he gets when he finishes.

i have been out of work a few months. I was finding it hard to get a job as any official qualification i have is from years ago. I researched the local job market as I also don't drive and started a course in a field that I will be able to walk into a job once it's finished. that's what a responsible adult does, your boyfriend is just drifting through life.

If the other people on his course are 16 year old children then it can't be so taxing that he can't work too.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a832443-Definitions-please-quot-Cocklodger-quot

If it is an A'level type course then what is he playing at not working alongside it and complaining about travel? I used to do the same length commute daily for 6th form and then college that he is complaining about doing once a fortnight to see his child. Loads of students in my town spend over an hour each way travelling to college in the nearby city, it's just what you do if you have a commitment you care about, you put in a bit of effort.

I agree with the cocklodger comments. He is happy to let you support him and offer to pay maintenance on his behalf, and he wants his ex who is the main carer of the child 12 days out of 14 to pay out and make the effort to deliver the child to him for his once a fortnight obligation. Why is he expecting the women in his life to run around after him?

Okay, things are getting clearer now. This isn't full time study - he is doing one course at roughly A Level standard. Although it sounds as if it is going to take him many more years to qualify, as I can't quite imagine his 16 year old class mates are going to get immediate employment as counsellors. It isn't a reason for him not to be working and studying
What is this guy playing at? he needs to either study something that is going to provide him with a foothold into employment or just crack down, get a job and start working and look for better paid employment while he is working. get two jobs if necessary. there is no way this manchild is going to be able to provide for his son in the next ten years, is there? he seems to have very little self respect

I really don't understand why people are being so rude! People need to get a grip and realise jobs just aren't out there! I was out of work for 4 months after graduating and the only reason I managed to find something was because I went back and did further study. If I couldn't find a job (including rubbish jobs like cleaning / bar / kitchen work) with a good degree, a years specific experience in the subject I qualified in, several years experience working part time in a bar which I had to give up when I was doing my full time years paid experience as well as a year volunteering in my gap year, what chance has someone who left school with GCSEs got?! Believe me he spends most of his free time when he's not with his son looking for a job. There simply aren't the jobs out there for someone with so few qualifications. He's in college three days & one evening a week so he could work the other two days & 4 evenings but the point is he's trying to get a job, one cannot do anymore than try! Yes it's frustrating, for both of us, but all he can do is try. And yes it'll be a good few years before he's properly qualified. Counselling is something he wishes to do alongside teaching Psychology so it's not like his soul purpose is a shitty job with no prospects.

Honestly, I don't even know why I'm trying to justify myself to random strangers online. I asked is it reasonable re transport, not for everyone to stick their nose in to the ins & outs of our life! I know some right dickheads who don't contribute a single penny for their kids, never have them overnight so mum buys clothes, uniform, feeds them, pays for their clubs, a roof over their head, bills, absolutely everything and the dads are quite happy to see their kids when it suits for a few hours in the day. My DP is trying his hardest to better himself. Yes he should've done it when he was 16 / 18 whatever but he hasn't, this is the situation we're in now and there's no need for people to be so judgemental! Especially when I've already agreed that he should do the travelling.

No-one had been rude as far as I can see. In fact I think most of us have been very restrained. If you read my earlier post you'd see I am sole provider for my dc. I can't tell you how many meals I've missed to ensure my dc eat because that is the sacrifices a parent makes for their dc in desperate times. Instead your dp is quite happy to spend money from his parents on a wedding rather than food for his child. So yes I judge any parent who doesn't provide for their dc as should all of society.