To expect her to do some of the travelling?

[Justkeepsmiling1]

DP and his ex used to live about a 10-15minute walk away from each other so travel for contact of their 4 yr old was never an issue. About a yr ago his ex moved 10 or so miles away, which doesn't sound far but since both rely on public transport, is actually about a 40 minute bus journey - buses really suck here! She expected him to do all transport which was unfair (IMO) but he did it as it was the only way he was able to see his son. We've now moved another 20 miles (a 50 min train journey) in the opposite direction and when he spoke to her about it before moving, she agreed she'd meet in the place they used to live so they'd share travelling. Unfortunately, that's not happened and DP faces huge arguments if he tries sticking to the agreement of meeting halfway(ish) instead of taking him / picking him up directly from her flat. She says it was our choice to move (fair enough) but fails to see it was her choice to move in the first place!
Aibu to expect her to help with transport? If we were the only ones that moved I could understand it but at the end of the day she moved too so IMO should help! Yesterday she started shouting and swearing at DP as he said he'd drop him back in the middle tomorrow (like originally agreed) instead of flat! We would never ever expect her to come all the way here but she thinks it's DP's duty to go all the way to her.

OP as I said earlier you really do need to STOP thinking about the exes finances. At the end of the day she is paying for the child as is her partner every single day. It doesn't matter where the money comes from they are the ones feeding him, clothing him and paying for the utilities to keep him warm and watered.

Your DP is not paying. He's finances are the ones that need scrutiny.

The job centre can help him but he needs to ask for it.
Given his age he can apply to go on the Youth Contract for 18-24 yo. Who will provide him with guidance on finding work and also help completing job applications and preparation for interviews.

I have mentioned this on another thread but my DP used to cycle 80 miles every (very skint student) when he had finished Uni to go back home for the weekend just to see his sons for a few hours on a Saturday. Where there is a will there's a way OP.

I don't get why you are annoyed she isn't working. She is a SAHM with a partner who supports her, and provides for her child. Your DP pays nothing. How are you not too embarrassed to be criticising her?

My first thought is that he should forget the counselling stuff...it's a pie in the sky and unreliable, long winded career choice and quite frankly a self indulgent choice.

He needs a full time job...he has a child to support and a gf who pays for him.

You are quite delluded OP. Please for the childs sake ensure this manchild has finished 'betterinitg himself' instead of continuing down this neverending path of fannying about before getting pregnant.

I can't understand why stay at home dad's are regarded as "tosspots" but stay at home mums have a god given right to not get a paying job

HE IS NOT A SAHD! The child lives with his mother! Your DP does a part time college course then god knows what else with his time. If the child lived with him and his ex was paying nothing and sitting on her arse all day then this would apply to her but that is not the case.

I give up. I only mention her because people seem to think it's okay to slag off my DP for not working even though she doesn't either! As I think I've said before, we buy clothes every other weekend since she sends him in school uniform on a Friday, we bought his entire school uniform, we are the only ones who buy him new shoes heck the woman doesn't even have a washing machine so it's not like she has to pay for that. Why is it such a dickish move for a man to stay home but women are amazing for it?! Double standards much!

If people can't understand the concept that in some areas there just really are no jobs for people with limited qualifications, there's nothing else I can say. DP is looking alongside college. We both deem gaining further qualifications to get a job more important than just being sat on his arse all day looking to no avail. Like I said £8 a week is better than £0 a week and I will support my DP's decision unless he manages to get a full time job.

Flossy he's not a sahd now but people are slagging him off for being one when the baby was first born!!

Lol googoodolly the ex does not pay for everything - her bf and CTC / CB does! I'm sorry but how is it not rude to call some a cock (or whatever was said). I'm failing to see how that's being polite and helping the situation??

If the money is paid on a claim with her name on it then it is her money so yes she is funding the child

Op...you said 'we bought his school uniform'. It should be HIM! It is not your responsibility to buy his child the stuff he needs.

OP you say "I know some right dickheads who don't contribute a single penny for their kids, never have them overnight so mum buys clothes, uniform, feeds them, pays for their clubs, a roof over their head, bills, absolutely everything and the dads are quite happy to see their kids when it suits for a few hours in the day"

The irony. Can't you see how your DP fits this description to a T?! Right down to not wanting the inconvenience of travelling for contact. Seriously, think about it. If you have a child together and split, is this what you want for your child? And don't forget, his new girlfriend funding everything and slagging you off on an Internet forum.

I give up. I only mention her because people seem to think it's okay to slag off my DP for not working even though she doesn't either!

And you might have cause to feel aggrieved about that if she was demanding thousands of pounds a month whilst doing nothing herself. But the only thing she is asking of your DP is that he transports himself 40 minutes on public transport once a fortnight to see his kid, and even that is an issue for him. Your parents must be thrilled.

Sorry Just I have read the thread and at no point did I see anyone slag him off for being a SAHD when the baby was born.

I have 4 DC's under 12. DH works 12 hour shifts now but up until recently he was on the rigs so away from home for 2 weeks every month and I work 17.5 hpw. I am also doing a degree in psychology with the open university. I left school at 16 yo with nothing but I have always worked apart from the first 12 months of DC's life. Studying and work is possible. My course will take 6 years to complete and by god I am knackered most days but I do it.

I know some comments come across as harsh but honestly it is only to try and get you to see that this guy needs to grow up and take some responsibility. We just don't want to see you on here in 2 years time in bits because your DH is a useless layabout who does nothing to support you or you child.

OP I am really sorry to be negative but I think your DP has made a huge mistake to think he can make a decent living out of being a counsellor.

The vast majority of professional counsellor so will have a lot of life experience, or be some of the brightest and best psychology graduates who then get employed by the NhS to deliver specific therapy types.

People in private practice often have years of professional experience in related fields, or otherwise a great deal of grounded life experience.

Yes you can go to college and learn the basics but that is not the same as making a living out of it.

I am sort again but as the father of a young child, he has a duty to step up Ina massive way and get some proper vocational training or even just a minimum wage job which will then free him up to make some sensible maintenance payments, as well as afford his own bloody bus fare!!

He can then continue to study part time in the evenings and weekends if he is that committed to a particular course of action career wise!!!

Doing any thing ales just smacks of immaturity and an immature and unrealistic outlook on life.

His son needs clothes, food and all the rest now not in ten or twenty years when your DP has grown up a abit.

I think you are getting a hard time on here but I think we have to bear in mind both you and him are young and he ballsed up his education by the sounds of it but he does want to better himself. However, from experience, I am not sure the course your bf is on is really going to help. He needs money and stability now. I think he should drop the course with the 16yr olds and work at getting a full time job somewhere. For the sake of his child and for your sake. Then maybe in time he could go back to the counselling dream idea.

I don't totally buy the "there are no jobs here" bit. If that is the case, he must widen the area he looks in.

boulder is correct. Your partner should be on some kind of practical course....plumbing or building. Can't he get on somewhere as a labourer? Pissing about with 16 year olds on some half arsed course with the idea of teaching psychology! He has to work to earn a living to provide for his child and THEN study in the evenings.

Theboulder put it far better than me with regard to the psychology/counselling. Spot on.

So he was a SAHD, now a weekend dad, has he ever provided for his child?
You're just not getting it OP. Even if his ex was a millionaire he still has a moral and legal obligation to support his child, now, not in 5 years time. Those of us with residency have no choice, we have to provide for our dc, every single day.
And I doubt very much you'd be happy for him to continue studying, contributing zero if you had a crying hungry child in your arms.

Supermarkets, even fast food restaurants offer training opportunities. Care homes and agencies will fund care qualifications. He could be earning and developing his skills and CV, and still study in his spare time for his counselling ambitions.

I think you are getting a hard time on this thread OP. Your DP is still young and looks like he is trying to improve his prospects.
I think some of the attitudes towards men on here are upsetting. A SAHM would not have the 'lazy' and 'useless' vitriol thrown at her. He was a SAHD his 'job' was to look after his child whilst his ex-partner studied. The situation in reverse would not come under such scrutiny.
Also the idea he's not a 'real' man because he doesn't drive. He's only 23. DH and I didn't learn to drive until we were 26 as we couldn't afford lessons or a car.
It sounds like he's trying to help himself and recover bad decisions made in the past. I do agree with posters who say he needs to try and find something that pays him more whilst he studies and care work could be a good option as would give him good people experience for his counselling role.
With regards to the travel he may just have a accept that to see his daughter he needs to just to do the travel.
Hope it all works out for you OP.

Please don't marry this ManChild or have any children to him OP. You have a degree and a good career by the sounds of it, you need some counselling to help raise your self esteem. You can do better than this millstone and his baggage, you have around your neck.

IM sorry but i refuse to believe the argument that jobs arnt out there. I have never been out of a job, and when in a job there have been several other jobs available to me.

also, i am at college, i also look after my dd apart from the 2 days a week i am at college (which are my dps days off) and i work 4 evenings a week. Yes its tough but means im bringing in alot more than £8 a month.

Mumu he isn't being criticised for being a SAHD when the baby was born. He is being criticised for his actions now, which include bleating about paying for a bus once a fortnight to see his child.

Another one agreeing with boulder.
TBH your DP cannot afford the luxury of spending the next couple of years doing this course, then another 3 or 4 at university to get an undergraduate degree, and then post-grad training to be able to teach. the best case scenario has to be a minimum of 6 years before DP is working fulltime and he doesn't have that luxury with a son to support.

DP needs to put his son first and look at something like the OU for his studies which he can do after work.

'I am sort again but as the father of a young child, he has a duty to step up Ina massive way and get some proper vocational training or even just a minimum wage job which will then free him up to make some sensible maintenance payments, as well as afford his own bloody bus fare!!'

Does this apply to the Mother too? Sorry if I've misunderstood but she isn't/hasn't provided for her child either.

basgetti Several posters have been critical of him historically staying at home whilst the ex-partner studied