To expect her to do some of the travelling?

[Justkeepsmiling1]

DP and his ex used to live about a 10-15minute walk away from each other so travel for contact of their 4 yr old was never an issue. About a yr ago his ex moved 10 or so miles away, which doesn't sound far but since both rely on public transport, is actually about a 40 minute bus journey - buses really suck here! She expected him to do all transport which was unfair (IMO) but he did it as it was the only way he was able to see his son. We've now moved another 20 miles (a 50 min train journey) in the opposite direction and when he spoke to her about it before moving, she agreed she'd meet in the place they used to live so they'd share travelling. Unfortunately, that's not happened and DP faces huge arguments if he tries sticking to the agreement of meeting halfway(ish) instead of taking him / picking him up directly from her flat. She says it was our choice to move (fair enough) but fails to see it was her choice to move in the first place!
Aibu to expect her to help with transport? If we were the only ones that moved I could understand it but at the end of the day she moved too so IMO should help! Yesterday she started shouting and swearing at DP as he said he'd drop him back in the middle tomorrow (like originally agreed) instead of flat! We would never ever expect her to come all the way here but she thinks it's DP's duty to go all the way to her.

There are always care jobs available. If he is going to be a counsellor he must be good with people, and he could pick up regular shifts to fit round his studies.

Yes, good point from Basgetti....loads of care jobs. Either in homes or in residential care homes.

I can't think of one guy I know who didn't have their first driving lesson booked within a month of their 17th birthday.

I can name you 5 right now.

My husband
My father
2 of my husbands best friends
My BIL

Of those 2 can now drive (dad and BIL) and they both learned in their very late twenties, the rest still dont and probably never will drive.

He needs a job now OP! No they don't fall out of the sky but those who WANT them CAN find them.

Have you tried lately? H just started a job back in his career in which he is well qualified with lots of experience. Took him almost 2 years to find it, it took 8 months to get a 0 hours contract on NMW and trying to live on that was actually harder than on benefits because at least with benefits you know what you are getting everyweek. Him going 3 weeks without shifts was not unusual.

But hey, dont either of you let the facts stand in the way of a good hoikey pants judging session eh?

Yes it is true that jobs are hard to come by at the moment. In that case the OP has no business criticising her DP's ex for sponging benefits or living off her boyfriend, does she?

No, fair point.

I think it was unwise of your DP to move if moving meant he couldn't afford to pick up his son. I also think his son should travel with one person the whole way. Travelling frequently by public transport does not lend itself to meeting in the middle as delays could mean a lot of waiting around and his son could end up feeling like he was being passed from pillar to post.

I can't think of one guy I know who didn't have their first driving lesson booked within a month of their 17th birthday.

I know bloody loads! I'm 40 and I can't drive. So what? My sister can't drive and neither can my youngest brother - we've all managed just fine. Driving is not the big whoop for everyone that some on this thread are making it out to be - me and my kids have used buses all our lives and none of us are scarred by it. Neither have I, or my kids, missed out on a fat lot.

OP - you sound like you just don't like your DP's ex - your remarks about her are incredibly spiteful, especially given that you used to be good friends! Your DP sounds like a teenager who hasn't sorted his life out yet. He needs to get himself a decent job and do his studying as evening classes. His priority right now should be paying towards the upkeep of his son, not fannying about with counselling courses. He sounds like a wet lettuce.

Wake up OP. This guy is a cocklodger. He managed to not work when he was with his previous partner, and he's still not working while he's with you. He's allowing you to pay his bills and support his child. Is this the future you see for yourself?

I think questioning and criticizing OP for living and earning arrangements decided upon by her DP and his ex when they were a couple is frankly ridiculous. Completely off base.

The meeting halfway thing is ridiculous. It's his visit so his problem. If you want to help him out with fare, that's on you, she is no longer obligated toward him.

That he is having to repeat the same trip regularly, and yet hasn't looked into money saving passes is also ridiculous. Grown ups do these things, especially those who have always used public transport. I could understand if he had always been a driver, and was unused to the ways of the bus and train riders.

Whoever was thinking all men should be able to drive is ridiculous. What good would it do in this case anyway? If train ticket costs are beyond him, owning and maintaining a car is obviously not a solution!

Counselling is an expensive profession to go into. Training, registration, and clinical supervision are all costs that carry on once training is finished, plus travel and / or premises costs depending on how you practice. Most counsellor I know combine different types of work and contracts because there are no full time jobs really, so driving is essential.

Op's oh, would have a lot of jobs closed off to him with no driving licence.

Ugh loads of posts BU. But the fact is your a couple now and his children/child are (in one way or another) part of your life too. If genders were reversed the same people telling you its not your concern and dp ibur would be spouting some crap about calling 101.

unfortunately the middle class don't seem to understand the cost of regular use of public transport on an income less than £20000 annual

And yanbu to be annoyed

Yanbu to be frustrated by this

Op's oh, would have a lot of jobs closed off to him with no driving licence.

No, he wouldn't. Only if the job was quite a distance away or they lived in a really rural location. Or if it was a driving job. You're a bit obsessed with his lack of driving licence, Gimme.

As I said, I don't drive. It's never stopped me from working in various places. At one point I was an NVQ Assessor with students all over the West Midlands - I did as much travelling as my colleagues who had cars and got just as much work done as they did. My Mum was a supply Teacher - never had any trouble with not driving.

I pay £16.00 a week for my bus pass - would I be able to tax/MOT/insure a car/put petrol in a car for that? Doubtful.

Re the driving thing, I think it depends on your perspective where you live. If you live in the middle of the city and rarely go anywhere outside of the major transport networks, then it's understandable that you think there's no need to have a licence. If you live somewhere where transport is less convenient, then your perspective is different and you can wonder why everyone doesn't have one. Where I live, it is a necessity really if you want to work and get around. Kids are lined up for their test the day they are eligible (and parents are pushing them to do it so they can stop ferrying them around!). If we lived in the more urban areas it may not be such an issue.

unfortunately the middle class don't seem to understand the cost of regular use of public transport on an income less than £20000 annual

I'm not middle class. And I don't agree with him not seeing his child. But thanks for the lovely assumptions about people not understanding.

Fantastic idea to get a job in a care home. Working with people is what he wants to be so it will help him there in the future. And shift work so there's no problem with it interfering with the other things he needs to do. He can get on to that straight away. He could be working a 40 hour week by the end of the month and that will be extremely helpful to his finances.

How much does it cost to travel the extra 10 miles from the place that they used to live to the place that his ds lives now?

Op, you sound lovely, possibly too lovely.

Re your dp getting a job. I'm guessing I don't live where you do, as round here there are jobs, but last week there was a young guy posting on our local Facebook page who had 1 month in between jobs, did anyone have any jobs for him ('twas a well written post) He was inundated with stuff like' can you move a wardrobe for me' 'can you clean my windows' 'can you walk my dog' etc etc. worth a try?

Honestly I think no matter what your son's mother does, you will question it and pull it apart. It is blatantly obvious from your posts that you don't like her.

And quite frankly, you need to stop making excuses for tour boyfriend. I agree with the cocklodger description. If he can't afford a bus, he should be working by day and studying by night.

Momagain people only question about her DPs ex because she listed and judged the exes actions so thoroughly herself.

HOW she can accept that he's trying his hardest when he's earning 8 quid a week is beyond me.

Justkeepsmiling1 I just had to come and post to say that you sound very cool and calm in a good way! I think you have kept very calm ad replied to posts in a really polite way.

I hope your partner knows how lucky he is to have such a supportive partner.

All the past and stuff about what happened before you were together is in the past now so I would really concentrate on the future.

I think the whole driving or not driving thing is irrelevant. Cars are very pricey to run, and so are driving lessons, better for him to concentrate on earning a living now. Driving and cars can come later when things are more settled. You've said you are both pretty young so there is plenty of time for that.

Personally, I think people have given some good advice about jobs, although they won't be the most exciting ones, there may well be more out there. I've done bar work, waiting tables, cleaning, market research, admin, chamber maid (worst job I ever did was an au pair!). I've never been out of work for more than a few weeks at a time and it does require tenacity to keep on job hunting, but it is possible in most places (BUT in fairness I do not know where you are and of course different areas of the UK have very different opportunities).

Getting back to your original question in my humble opinion I would not fight this battle (if I were in you or your dp's shoes), even if it is or sems unfair. Personally, I think it sounds reasonable for him to do the travelling and to pay for it but even if it is not fair he has mentioned it and I think you said she was not keen so I am not sure pushing the point or arguing would be beneficial.

If I were in your shoes I would encourage your dp to get the best job he can now, work his study in around the job and look to the future. Care work may not be very glamorous but it is vital, the population is ageing so wherever you are there must be opportunities and these may well look reasonable on a CV in terms of working with people if he is wanting to go into counselling.

Personally, I would also encourage your dp to get some careers advice, if he is under 25 it may be available free from a local careers service, or a college if he is studying with a college.

nationalcareersservice.direct.gov.uk/Pages/Home.aspx

And finally to inspire him I would borrow a copy of 'What colour s your parachute' from the local library.

What Color Is Your Parachute? 2014: A Practical Manual for Job-Hunters and Career-Changers

Good luck. Whatever happens in your relationship with your partner I wish you all the best.

being a little hard on the OP, she's just trying to give the right support to her man. He does have a plan for bettering himself after all.

That came out wrong, I meant bettering his situation.

'I think the whole driving or not driving thing is irrelevant. Cars are very pricey to run, and so are driving lessons'.

Most of the 17 year olds I know have more disposable income than I have had for the last 17 years.