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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect her to do some of the travelling?

235 replies

Justkeepsmiling1 · 20/09/2014 17:42

DP and his ex used to live about a 10-15minute walk away from each other so travel for contact of their 4 yr old was never an issue. About a yr ago his ex moved 10 or so miles away, which doesn't sound far but since both rely on public transport, is actually about a 40 minute bus journey - buses really suck here! She expected him to do all transport which was unfair (IMO) but he did it as it was the only way he was able to see his son. We've now moved another 20 miles (a 50 min train journey) in the opposite direction and when he spoke to her about it before moving, she agreed she'd meet in the place they used to live so they'd share travelling. Unfortunately, that's not happened and DP faces huge arguments if he tries sticking to the agreement of meeting halfway(ish) instead of taking him / picking him up directly from her flat. She says it was our choice to move (fair enough) but fails to see it was her choice to move in the first place!
Aibu to expect her to help with transport? If we were the only ones that moved I could understand it but at the end of the day she moved too so IMO should help! Yesterday she started shouting and swearing at DP as he said he'd drop him back in the middle tomorrow (like originally agreed) instead of flat! We would never ever expect her to come all the way here but she thinks it's DP's duty to go all the way to her.

OP posts:
BauerTime · 20/09/2014 21:02

I think that the fact that your dp did all of the travelling when his ex moved is irrelevant. He did it, he didn't complain about it, it was never an issue. Just because you have now moved too doesn't mean she automatically has to facilitate access just because if she didn't move first you wouldn't be as far away.

You and dp moving created the issue, so its absolutely down to dp to make the necessary extra effort to see his son. 90 minutes away is a pain (and an expense) I agree, and not ideal. But it is what it is and he will just have to get on with it.

Silverdaisy · 20/09/2014 21:06

Tax credits should make life easier. Op sorry if I have missed this, but are you working.?

whatever5 · 20/09/2014 21:15

he doesn't pay maintenance because she refuses to accept it - what do you want him to do, hide it in little mans bag when he drops him off?

It seems unlikely that he has offered to pay maintenance if he can't even afford the train fare to visit his child.

Original poster
Justkeepsmiling1 · 20/09/2014 22:39

For those assuming she saw baby when she finished college, majority of time she was out getting drunk. I'm not taking his word for it, her and I used to be good friends so I know what she was like.

Tbh it's really none of my business what did and didn't work for them at the time. I completely agree that they shouldn't have been relying on benefits and he agrees that now too. They were young, naive and didn't really think about the true implications of having a baby. She was the one who gave up her part time job not long after they split to live off benefits (even though DP had their son when she was working) and then she shacked up with her boyfriend, lost all benefits except child benefit and child tax credits and expects everyone else to pay for everything.

At the end of the day, I think it'd be far too easy for me to take my DP's side so I came on here to ask for opinions to try and understand her point of view. As I said in my previous thread, in an ideal world DP would have a great job but truth is he's been trying his best and gotten nowhere so is trying to gain qualifications to become a counsellor. He hates the fact he can't fully financially support his son but unfortunately that's the way things are atm. Tbh I'd be a lot more understanding if she didn't think it was okay to sponge off the system / her boyfriend. I can understand the point of view though that she (or more accurately her bf / her parents) is doing the main bulk of care, not DP so yes I can agree perhaps he should travel. They were meeting at her parents before, who live midway and run her to/from the flat so thankfully no one was waiting in the rain but it's less than ideal for their son. Thanks to all for offering their views, as I said, I do not wish to automatically jump to my DP's defence and instead prefer to at least try and understand the other points of view.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justkeepsmiling1 · 20/09/2014 22:42

And forgot to say, yes I'm working but unfortunately we get no tax credits as we have no resident children and we're under 25.

Whatever - yes he did offer maintenance. I've seen the texts so know he wasn't just telling me that. he can't afford train fare but I agreed it was unfair she (/her bf) should bare the financial burden so said we could just about afford it when we pool our money together.

OP posts:
basgetti · 20/09/2014 22:51

Who is she expecting to pay for everything? She has a live in partner and presumably they have arranged their household finances in a way they are happy with. Your DP's son is clothed, housed and fed, no thanks to him. Your DP earns 8 pound a week, offered pittance in maintenance which he then expects her to re use to facilitate his contact, and yet you see fit to label her a sponger. That's pretty outrageous.

whatever5 · 20/09/2014 22:55

How could he pay maintenance if he can't pay the train fare to see his child though? On the one hand you say his ex "expects everyone else to pay for everything" but then you say that she refuses to accept maintenance. That seems very contradictory.

WooWooOwl · 20/09/2014 22:58

Your boyfriend and his ex sound as bad as each other. This is why people should be stable before they have children.

MrsWinnibago · 20/09/2014 22:58

Oh OP.

I am going to offer you some advice which I hope you will take and encourage your DP to take too.

Training to be a counselor is probably not a fantastic plan. There aren't a lot of well paid positions in that field.

I know that in some areas, part time jobs are hard to find....especially in rural or areas of high unemployment.

I think you should look to move to an area with more employment opportunities available now so that he can get a job immediately...in the evenings if need be...so he can support his child and pay his way.

Original poster
Justkeepsmiling1 · 20/09/2014 23:06

Basgetti she was claiming all the benefits she could before she moved in with her bf - so how is that her providing? Basically what people are saying is, it's okay for mum to stay at home, get the government to pay for everything, but not Dad's. Double standards much...

DP also needs to clothe, feed and house his son. We too need a 2 bedroom because of his son, just like her, since there would be complete outrage if we made him share with us. Actually all of his uniform was paid for by us, as are most of his clothes since she always sends him in his nursery / now school uniform which means we have to send him back in clothes we've bought.

Whatever - I don't understand why she refused maintenance but then paid £20 to go through the child maintenance service but the only way she is financially contributing is through CB and CTC which she'd get if they were still together so I can't see how shes supporting their son wholly.

Woowoo - I completely agree, they should never have had (least of all planned!) a child but now he's here and we can't change that and he's lovely so we just have to figure out things best we can.

Mrs - thanks for the advice re counselling. We've spoken to a few counsellors in are area - friends from church - who've said this is a pretty good area for employment prospects in that area which is good. No idea what it's like nationally though. He has managed to find one part time job since moving which is one more than where we previously lived and he's still looking. This area is definitely better than hers or where we used to live.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justkeepsmiling1 · 20/09/2014 23:07

Can I ask, would the advice and opinions be the same if it was Dad with custody and Mum having every other weekend, or if Dad was paying substantial maintenance?

OP posts:
JanineStHubbins · 20/09/2014 23:09

I don't understand why she refused maintenance but then paid £20 to go through the child maintenance service

Presumably because she didn't trust your DP to pay maintenance regularly/on time and wanted to have it registered officially.

JeanSeberg · 20/09/2014 23:10

Sounds pie in the sky training to be a counselor and a luxury he can't afford. He needs a job now. Any job.

What does he for £8 a week out of interest?

GimmeMySquash · 20/09/2014 23:10

Who is going to want to visit a counsellor who can't sort his own shit out. and has has dysfunctional personal relationships?

I also don't understand why he has no driving licence and had no part time job when his ex was at college?

GimmeMySquash · 20/09/2014 23:13

My guess is he earns £8 pw doing a paper round?

MrsWinnibago · 20/09/2014 23:13

OP but his ex was at college full time? That's not the same as "living of benefits as a lifestyle choice" as she was in education.

He on the other hand....I also want to know who is paying him 8 pounds a week for what!?

MrsWinnibago · 20/09/2014 23:14

What we're all saying OP...without being mean or rude or anything, is that this "man" does not seem like a "good bet" AT ALL and that you should run for the hills, stop paying for him to see his son and find a partner who works.

Original poster
Justkeepsmiling1 · 20/09/2014 23:19

Janine she paid £20, got told he was on nil rate. She made contact extremely difficult at that point even though he told her his financial situ at the time before she applied. Since starting college he (by he I mean we but as far as she knows it's from him) offered £10 a week and she refused.

Jean - sorry I should've explained a bit better about his income. £8 a week is grant, guaranteed. Part time work is sporadic and when it manages to get a shift it's about £25 but that's once or twice a month. So I guess his real earnings equate to more like almost £20 a month. But then obviously we need to pay transport, food, 2 bed house, bills, clothes, uniform, presents for Christmas / bday from that and my small income.

I'm not really sure what people expect him to do, he's been trying to get a job since he got made redundant when the company he was working for went bust. He have found anything despite trying his damned hardest - do people think a job is just going to fall out of the sky now?

He didn't have a part time job when ex was in college and she was in college all day, out most nights - but again, that's between them, not me. He doesn't have a driving license as when he was working all spare money went to her and he's never been able to afford it. I could say the same about her - I don't understand why she's never learnt.

OP posts:
littledrummergirl · 20/09/2014 23:19

Can I ask, would the advice and opinions be the same if it was Dad with custody and Mum having every other weekend, or if Dad was paying substantial maintenance?

Yes.

basgetti · 20/09/2014 23:20

I assume she was claiming benefits legitimately as a lone parent prior to moving in with her partner? If it is so difficult for your DP to find a job locally with no demands on his time, then surely you could concede it might also be tricky for a parent with majority care, who also has childcare costs to consider.

JeanSeberg · 20/09/2014 23:20

He's got an excuse for everything hasn't he?

Original poster
Justkeepsmiling1 · 20/09/2014 23:21

Mrs she was in college, then finished after they split up - but he was doing the majority childcare even after they split up. Then it went 50:50 with her claiming benefits, I don't know his situ at the time. Then she got a job for a bit before giving it up a few months down the line and had been claiming benefits up until her bf moved in.

No offence guys but I know DP fcked up with not having a job, he knows that. I'm not going to throw him just because he fcked up when he was younger. He's trying his best and I agree after reading some responses he should try his damned hardest to pick up and drop off instead of her meeting midway.

OP posts:
whatever5 · 20/09/2014 23:22

I don't understand why she refused maintenance but then paid £20 to go through the child maintenance service but the only way she is financially contributing is through CB and CTC which she'd get if they were still together so I can't see how shes supporting their son wholly.

She obviously didn't believe that your DP would pay maintenance regularly. I don't think he would either if paying the train fare to visit his son is so difficult.

GimmeMySquash · 20/09/2014 23:26

Was he under 18 when he became a Dad? As you can take your driving test at 17, many teens have part time jobs, if studying to pay for this themselves.

I can't think of one guy I know who didn't have their first driving lesson booked within a month of their 17th birthday.

MrsWinnibago · 20/09/2014 23:30

He needs a job now OP! No they don't fall out of the sky but those who WANT them CAN find them.

Are there no pubs he could work at? What about cleaning agencies? They're everywhere and often provide transport to...in buses.