Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go out for a whole day when we have guests for the weekend?

160 replies

ernesttheBavarian · 15/09/2014 06:45

OK; they are school friends, mainly of my dh, but I knew them too. We were not in touch for years decades and recently, due to fb they have got back in touch (a couple of years) and have met up a few times.

Anyway, dh has invited them over and they are coming, Wednesday till Sunday. I am dreading it a bit, but I'm sure it'll be lovely. But it's really the 2 men boys reliving their teenage years and getting stupidly drunk that the weekend is all about.

Anyway, I found out yesterday that my church is running a retreat day, and it is on that Saturday, probably from about 9-5. Dh and his mate are going to a football match that afternoon, already got 2 tickets.

My dh is a rabid atheist and sees red at the mere mention of religion, so it's always a sensitive issue. Because of this, I really hide, avoid confrontation, let things go, don't go as much as I would like etc etc. I usually miss these retreat days. There's only 1 or 2 a year. Often they are during school holidays or whatever which means I can't go. I have 4 kids, I work, I miss my spiritual enrichment time. I'm sure that leaves plenty of people, including my dh cold.

But, AIBU to want to go, or even, to actually go?

If the match starts at 4, I reckon dh and friend would go at 3, and I would be back by 5. Obviously if the match starts at 3 they would be off at e.g. 2.

Dh is stunned and shocked and angry with me for even mentioning it.

AIBU?
(sorry so long)

OP posts:
Minikievs · 15/09/2014 11:45

Regardless of who invited whom and when, the fact is they are coming. I also dislike confrontation and am a people pleaser to my own detriment sometimes.
However, if I were the visitor, if you emailed me beforehand to prewarned me that you would be out for a couple if hours, I would have no problem at all with this. If you haven't seen each other for a good few years, however lovely everyone is, she may enjoy a break from polite chit chat and constant company.
You aren't leaving her all day, if you give her options if things to do, I think that it's reasonable to go. If she isn't confident travelling alone with her dc in a strange city/country, then I'm sure she can entertain him for a couple of hours, go for a walk etc.

I say go on your retreat, but please make sure she is fully aware before they arrive. She doesn't need to know that the retreat option came about after the visit was arranged.

TheSkiingGardener · 15/09/2014 11:46

I think call her and explain and GO to your retreat. If you are being rude then your DH is also being rude not giving her the football ticket.

Itsfab · 15/09/2014 12:32

I think you should email the wife and say you are looking forward to them visiting but one of the days would they be okay if you were away from Xam to Xpm as there is a retreat you want to go to that is only available in this make up (time/Priest) or won't be for 2 years. Say she is welcome to come if the men will care for the children or if she fancies a break from you all Wink then she is welcome to make herself at home and you will leave train times, etc if she wants to go out.

FunkyBoldRibena · 15/09/2014 15:08

If he had got 4 tickets - who would look after her toddler?

I disagree with the majority saying you shouldn't go to be honest. Seems 50/50 to me.

If you are going to chat to him tonight, point out that she is technically his guest not yours and so it is him leaving her out not you.

Original poster
ernesttheBavarian · 15/09/2014 15:13

There was no plan in place for toddler childcare. Crossing that bridge if we came to it. And it turned out not to be ned cos only got 2 tickets.

Thanks so much for your views, I'll try and update tomorrow, but dd 1st day of school, and ds 1st day in new school and 4 new timetables to coordinate so tomorrow will be manic.

OP posts:
kkllww · 15/09/2014 15:41

I'm amazed that some people think that guests have to be entertained 24/7 - I don't think there's anything wrong with being left to your own devices for 3 hours during a 5 day visit!
I personally would welcome it and in your position would have no qualms about going on the retreat. I would also be loving being able to explore Munich for a few hours with my young child, without having to 'be chatty' with the hosts.

FuckOffWeasel · 15/09/2014 15:44

I'm a rabid atheist. It means I don't go to church. I give not two fucks who else chooses to go to church. Hiding your religion because of his issues? I can't see for all the red flags

FuckOffWeasel · 15/09/2014 15:50

Also if I were her in this situation I'd be fucked off at muy husband for leaving me to go to a game with someone who I wasn't proper friends with. The only thing you both have in common is your vaginas presumably? I'd also probably prefer some time on my own to go to Oktoberfest, PROST.

FunkyBoldRibena · 15/09/2014 15:57

There was no plan in place for toddler childcare. Crossing that bridge if we came to it.

Possibly because there was no real plan for the wife to need it.

You've been had love.

eddielizzard · 15/09/2014 16:04

go on the retreat. i'm sure she will find some way of entertaining herself. you could phone her and talk about it - that would be the best way - so at least she's prepared. but your dh is a little bit of a plonker imo.

SuperGlue · 15/09/2014 16:05

I would definitely go to the retreat. It is very hard to have guests not of your inviting foisted upon you. You have my sympathy. Enjoy your retreat

mummytime · 15/09/2014 16:34

I've recently been to Munich - its a great place and easy to get around. I would discuss with her, maybe she'd like to take the Toddler to the Zoo? Or go shopping or visit a tourist attraction?

Admittedly in a couple of weeks we have a family friend coming for the weekend. But DD and I are going to Wales for most of the Saturday, an Open Day which is only on that weekend (we are going by train so DH has the car if he needs it).

sunbathe · 15/09/2014 16:43

Did he actually ask for 4 tickets, presumably knowing you're not that bothered about football?

It would be a nice gesture on his part to give the tickets to his guests, wave you off on your retreat and then do all the childcare.

Lweji · 15/09/2014 16:52

Possibly because there was no real plan for the wife to need it. You've been had love.

It does sound likely.

I do like the idea that your OH gives them the two tickets if she doesn't want to be left alone, and he does the child care too.

post · 15/09/2014 16:59

If I was the dw, I'd be fine (glad!) to have an afternoon with my toddler.

And, it might not be the case for you, but I always wonder, if you'd invited friends for that long, without asking your dh, then said you wanted to go out with Her, so dh would have to stay in and entertain Him, would that go down well?

3bunnies · 15/09/2014 17:30

It seems as if the problem is just going to be for a few hours in the afternoon. Could you go in the morning and then offer to come back for the afternoon? Say something like 'I will be at a retreat on x date but I am happy to come back early unless you and toddler would rather go out and do x or y.....?' She will probably be happy to do something on her own anyway.

YakInAMac · 15/09/2014 17:39

Hmm. You hate football but are expected to facilitate him going to the match with his friend, but you feel nervous of saying you want to engage in your church activities and he thinks you should drop them to enable him to go to the football.

How come you only found out about the retreat at such short notice?

In a 5 day visit, being left to your own devices for a couple of hours is really, really no problem.

I have no idea of the geography of Munich, but culd the guests and your DH go into the city for the morning and then leave her at the zoo of some other toddler friendly venue and then she can make her won way back and you can be waiting, fresh form your retreat, with some bought sachertorte.

Have you asked yourself:

What would Jesus do?

It may be that the answer is not clear and that you need to spend time in the retreat finding the answer Wink

Lweji · 15/09/2014 17:47

What would Jesus do?

Jesus would be the one visiting, obviously.
And he'd provide excellent wine, just from tap water, and make 1000 meals out of one chicken.
The best house guest ever. The problem might be the numbers of people he might attract to your door, not to mention the possibility of being arrested in the middle of the night, but maybe less so, as it's only September.

hamptoncourt · 15/09/2014 17:47

YANBU

If I were the visiting wife I would probably be grateful for a couple of hours to myself to rifle through all your shit without having to be sociable.

I just don't understand all these people who "cannot be left alone for 3 hours" it's a bit pathetic.

If DH doesn't want his guest left alone for even a short time then he had better sit in with her hadn't he?

Kundry · 15/09/2014 17:51

Munich is a great city and very very easy to get around with lots to do. Any chance you could apologetically say you have a diary clash and would she and her toddler like to explore by themselves for one afternoon?

ImperialBlether · 15/09/2014 18:35

If I were visiting friends I hadn't seen in ages and staying with them for several days, I would be REALLY GLAD of a few hours on my own.

FWIW I think your husband's a bit of a bully.

YakInAMac · 15/09/2014 19:00

I would welcome a few hours on my own, too.

The OP's description of the woman seems to suggest she is outgoing and confident, and she must realise, just like the OP, that there is a lot about this arrangement that is a men's reunion and drink-up.

HappyYoni · 15/09/2014 19:09

What would Jesus do?

MokunMokun · 15/09/2014 19:36

I've often been left alone for periods of time while visiting people and it doesn't bother me at all. She can easily hang out in your place if her toddler naps or go for a walk/sightseeing if she prefers. You are doing them a huge favour in letting them stay so I actually think they would be very rude in getting upset about this. I really don't think it is a big deal at all. Good luck with the chat!

mewkins · 15/09/2014 20:35

I would love to have time to myself at the weekend rather than make small talk with someone I didn't know very well!