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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go out for a whole day when we have guests for the weekend?

160 replies

ernesttheBavarian · 15/09/2014 06:45

OK; they are school friends, mainly of my dh, but I knew them too. We were not in touch for years decades and recently, due to fb they have got back in touch (a couple of years) and have met up a few times.

Anyway, dh has invited them over and they are coming, Wednesday till Sunday. I am dreading it a bit, but I'm sure it'll be lovely. But it's really the 2 men boys reliving their teenage years and getting stupidly drunk that the weekend is all about.

Anyway, I found out yesterday that my church is running a retreat day, and it is on that Saturday, probably from about 9-5. Dh and his mate are going to a football match that afternoon, already got 2 tickets.

My dh is a rabid atheist and sees red at the mere mention of religion, so it's always a sensitive issue. Because of this, I really hide, avoid confrontation, let things go, don't go as much as I would like etc etc. I usually miss these retreat days. There's only 1 or 2 a year. Often they are during school holidays or whatever which means I can't go. I have 4 kids, I work, I miss my spiritual enrichment time. I'm sure that leaves plenty of people, including my dh cold.

But, AIBU to want to go, or even, to actually go?

If the match starts at 4, I reckon dh and friend would go at 3, and I would be back by 5. Obviously if the match starts at 3 they would be off at e.g. 2.

Dh is stunned and shocked and angry with me for even mentioning it.

AIBU?
(sorry so long)

OP posts:
Original poster
ernesttheBavarian · 15/09/2014 07:19

Dh didn't consult me. He invited them and told me after. I had no say in it.

But the last 2 posts, I guess that's what dh thinks and why I asked. :(

OP posts:
whois · 15/09/2014 07:21

I'm on the fence.

On the one hand, it's not 100% nice to leave the other woman on her own.

However it's really only for a fe hours while the men are at the football and it sounds like you really need this time.

More of an issue is why you married someone who sees red when you talk about your religion.

TheFirstOfHerName · 15/09/2014 07:27
  1. You didn't invite them and had no input into the decision to invite them, so you do not have a responsibility to entertain them.
  2. It is your right to have a spiritual life and worship in whatever way you choose.
Original poster
ernesttheBavarian · 15/09/2014 07:30

I think dh is taking the Thursday off and the Friday is a bank holiday so we'll all be here.

DH hasn't always felt so strongly. He was agnostic. We got married in a church. He has, over the years got more anti-religion.

But this is really about if I should stay with her or go. I am really torn.

Thank you for your honesty.

OP posts:
LatteLoverLovesLattes · 15/09/2014 07:30

It was a done deal. I was told they were coming

Do you find that acceptable in your home/relationship? I ask because I certainly don't. It makes him being angry that you are going out absolutely groundless.

I had thought about inviting her but I think she would prefer the bamboo option too. Plus then there would be a childcare issue for her dc

Yes, not fair to make your 15yo responsible for someone else's toddler, even if she did want to go.

Basically my dh and her dh with be annoying drunken teenage idiots the whole weekend

Great, sounds like huge fun. Not.

DH reckons as they are only here 3 days (he's discounting the Wednesday as they arrive late afternoon) and the Sunday cos they leave late morning, so 3 full days as well as ARR and DEP, it's terrible for me to go away for 1 of these 3 days

Ummmmm HE asked them, HE should have asked you if you had any other plans, he didn't - so tough luck! Expecting YOU to amuse HIS guests? FO.

I guess sometimes I don't see the situation the same as others

Do you think you might mean - sometimes I don't see thing the way my husband thinks I should?

I don't think it's rude to leave her for a couple of hours - just a clash of plans. If DH thinks it's rude, he's free to cancel the football to stay home with guests HE invited without consulting you.

FunkyBoldRibena · 15/09/2014 07:32

So he is allowed to invite people over for 5 days, and to arrange to go out with one of them, and yet you are not allowed to know about it in advance, or to leave the house whilst they are there?

My point would be that if he needed me to be there, then he would have asked me before inviting them over, and because he didn't ask me, he wasn't to know I had planned to be away for one day. As it is your weekend too, and you are not his employee.

She is an adult, and will cope with her own child for a whole day.

Floralnomad · 15/09/2014 07:33

Taking the religion aspect out of it I do think its a bit off to leave a guest home alone ,the wife probably is not privy to the information that you didn't really want them to come .

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 15/09/2014 07:33

GO

If DH doesn't like it, he can stay home with her.

NormHonal · 15/09/2014 07:34

See, if I were the guest staying that long then I would crave/appreciate some time alone [introvert emoticon]. I would be very uncomfortable staying that long in someone else's home without some breathing space.

Is it an option to sound her out when they arrive, offer to point her in the direction of the nearest playground/toddler-friendly attraction (research these in advance), or buy her some magazines and good coffee if the toddler still naps?

ChasedByBees · 15/09/2014 07:34

I think it might be a bit rude to leave them in your house alone but I also think that's your DH's problem - he invited them, he should involve the wife in whatever plans he has.

He really sounds an idiot from what you've posted here. He doesn't consult you on how you're going to spend the weekend (you get to watch him being a drunk - joy), he disrespects your religion, he expects you to prepare for guests he invited without consulting you. So disrespectful, all of it.

Based on that, I'd go.

WD41 · 15/09/2014 07:36

So the wife is going to be left alone in your house whilst you go to your retreat and the men go to the football?

Yep, that's rude and unreasonable. You can't just abandon a guest to go off and pursue your hobbies!

ShadowStar · 15/09/2014 07:36

If it was just the man invited then I think you'd be fine to go, but....

Thinking of the other wife here - I would feel uncomfortable if I was invited to someone's home for the weekend and then left alone at their house for a few hours with my DC.

I would also assume that the hosts had discussed and agreed to the visit before inviting me. I know that's not the case here, but that's not the other wife's fault.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 15/09/2014 07:36

She knows that the DH's organised this - mainly for drinking & football, To find out that you have something on for one day is hardly the end of the world. She will be 'on her own' for a couple of hours. As an adult, I'm sure she will cope.

ChasedByBees · 15/09/2014 07:36

And yes, what Norm said. In her place, I'd be very happy to go to the park or have a quiet coffee while toddler napped.

MrsDavidBowie · 15/09/2014 07:37

Is this woman not capable of being alone? Can she not go somewhere with her child?
Dh has his faults but would NEVER invite people to stay in our house especially for that length of time
Go and have fun.

Original poster
ernesttheBavarian · 15/09/2014 07:39

I was a bit peeved about the invite, but tbh they are coming for Oktoberfest and I can't blame him, don't blame him. It's a big thing. They've all got dirndl and Lederhosen and everything. It is a done deal that someone will probably come. Yes, their stupid drunkenness will be an absolute nightmare, so having the dw here might actually make it nicer for me.

Dh is coming across a bit crap but if he does get stroppy he usually calms down and apologises and then discusses it rationally. He is usually pretty fair and level-headed.

OP posts:
LatteLoverLovesLattes · 15/09/2014 07:39

It's not rude and unreasonable.

Some people might think it is, it doesn't make it fact.

AggressiveBunting · 15/09/2014 07:39

It does very much depend on what type of person the wife is, what there is to do in your local area and if she'll have transport etc. I wouldnt mind this, and might even quite like to get away for a day with my DC, especially if there was somewhere nice to visit, but other people would feel differently.

BlackeyedSusan · 15/09/2014 07:39

if it is incredibly rude to leave guests, then it is the h that is incredibly rude as he asked them and they are his guests.

WD41 · 15/09/2014 07:41

I don't think it's got anything to do with being capable of being alone

I love being alone, need that time and am more than capable of filling it. But if I was a house guest and this happened, I'd feel quite upset.

Snapespotions · 15/09/2014 07:43

Hmm, I feel for you as it wasn't your choice to invite these guests, but I also think it would be rude to abandon the poor woman in your home!

Could you agree with your DH that you'll stay home on this occasion on condition that he promises to facilitate you attending the next retreat that comes up? Or perhaps the next two or three?!

Whatever he may think of your religion, he should respect your right to practise it, and he should be supportive of what you want to do. At the same time, he has invited the guests and as you didn't know about the retreat until after it had all been agreed, I think you should probably prioritise the guests on this occasion.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 15/09/2014 07:44

Oktoberfest - ahhhhh - fond memories Grin

It doesn't matter that 'it's a given' that someone will come and stay for the OF, what if you have invited people as well without discussing it with him?

Book your retreat. What he chooses to do about his friends wife is his problem and as many of us have said, we would be happy (begging!!) for a couple of hours on our own.

Original poster
ernesttheBavarian · 15/09/2014 07:45

dh did apply for 4 tickets so we could all go to the match, but he only got 2. It's a bit of a lottery. Obviously if we'd got 4 tickets this wouldn't even be an issue cos I'd have to go to the match. yawn.

OP posts:
7to25 · 15/09/2014 07:47

You are both in the right and in the circumstances I would go for the 2for1 deal. You stay with the woman and toddler- she would feel pretty bad if she was left on her own- and you get two future retreat days when he says not a word, nothing, about religion and waves you on your merry way.

Bowlersarm · 15/09/2014 07:48

I think it's really rude if you go and leave your guests for the day. Sorry, but I do.