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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go out for a whole day when we have guests for the weekend?

160 replies

ernesttheBavarian · 15/09/2014 06:45

OK; they are school friends, mainly of my dh, but I knew them too. We were not in touch for years decades and recently, due to fb they have got back in touch (a couple of years) and have met up a few times.

Anyway, dh has invited them over and they are coming, Wednesday till Sunday. I am dreading it a bit, but I'm sure it'll be lovely. But it's really the 2 men boys reliving their teenage years and getting stupidly drunk that the weekend is all about.

Anyway, I found out yesterday that my church is running a retreat day, and it is on that Saturday, probably from about 9-5. Dh and his mate are going to a football match that afternoon, already got 2 tickets.

My dh is a rabid atheist and sees red at the mere mention of religion, so it's always a sensitive issue. Because of this, I really hide, avoid confrontation, let things go, don't go as much as I would like etc etc. I usually miss these retreat days. There's only 1 or 2 a year. Often they are during school holidays or whatever which means I can't go. I have 4 kids, I work, I miss my spiritual enrichment time. I'm sure that leaves plenty of people, including my dh cold.

But, AIBU to want to go, or even, to actually go?

If the match starts at 4, I reckon dh and friend would go at 3, and I would be back by 5. Obviously if the match starts at 3 they would be off at e.g. 2.

Dh is stunned and shocked and angry with me for even mentioning it.

AIBU?
(sorry so long)

OP posts:
GoblinLittleOwl · 15/09/2014 09:22

Applaud your desire to go on retreat, but somewhat surprised that as you generally avoid confrontation about your religion, and let these retreat days pass, you suddenly decide to go when you have guests and it certainly will be noticed, and cause discomfort and an unpleasant atmosphere at the very least.

Bit of the Martyr here?

Alicebannedit · 15/09/2014 09:28

Yes to all MaryMillington says^ and show courtesy by putting this to the DW in advance.

But also be prepared to deal with a real flip of the spiritual coin when you return to the 'normal' family dynamic after the retreat! Don't let the contrast disturb the inner peace you gained from the day Flowers

MissPenelopeLumawoo · 15/09/2014 09:28

Although normally I would side with the 'Prior arrangements take priority' brigade, I don't think in these circumstances you are being unreasonable.

It seems to be a one off event, something you can't just go to another time. The guests were dropped on you with no consultation. The wife is a grown woman, presumably she is capable of being by herself for a couple of hours. There seem to be plenty of options for her to get out and do something if she wants to.

I think if you wanted to go shopping or something and she did not want to come, your DH would be ok about it, he seems to be irrationally cross about this because he does not like the religious aspect, and that is not on IMO. Regardless of what happens in this situation, that is something you need to tackle for the future. You should not need to hide, avoid confrontation, let things go. If you want to practise your religion then he should be supportive of that, even if he does not believe himself. I am in the same situation with my DH, he has never ever kept me from worship, although he is an atheist.

I think you should contact the wife yourself and let her know you will not be there for those hours. You are already hosting them for five days, she would be unreasonable to be ungrateful about it. Especially as they are saving loads of money by staying with you- hotel prices during Oktoberfest presumably go up by masses!

BTW, if they are coming for the Oktoberfest, why are they buggering off to the football on the Saturday afternoon? Isn't that the biggest day of the fest?

Chippednailvarnish · 15/09/2014 09:35

I really hide, avoid confrontation, let things go, don't go as much as I would like etc etc

In other words your DH is the boss and you're the subservient little wife. Leaving your houseguests for 3 hours is the least of your problems...

May09Bump · 15/09/2014 09:41

Go on your retreat. Explain to friends wife that it was pre planned and leave some information on local trips she can do or that she is welcome to just have some down time watching a film etc. If I was her I wouldn't mind one bit.

Nanny0gg · 15/09/2014 09:49

From the guest's point of view, I would have assumed that I had been invited by the couple, as a couple, not just as an add-on to your DH's friend.

So I would feel pretty bad if you went off for the day and left me because it would imply that actually I was only invited because I had to be, and that you weren't happy about it.

I think your problem is your DH, but I really think you shouldn't go.

And ringing her to ask - what on earth can she say? She'll feel obliged to say that it's fine that you go whether she really thinks that or not.

Beyond rude imo.

OddFodd · 15/09/2014 09:56

I absolutely agree that it's crap that the DH invited the guests without consulting the OP but that shouldn't be the guests' problem. If you go on the retreat, you're making it abundantly clear that they're there under sufferance.

diddl · 15/09/2014 10:02

Actually I'd ring her & tell her that there's been a mix up & you won't be on the Saturday & she'll have a couple of hrs to herself.

Can anything be arranged for her?

HSMMaCM · 15/09/2014 10:15

If I was staying with someone for that long (even my lifelong best friend), I;d be happy to have a day to myself, to go to the park, shops, or just chill out and watch trashy TV.

LeggyBlondeNE · 15/09/2014 10:18

What diddl said. The words 'mix up' and 'accidentally double booked' are staples of these situations!

If you apologise, explain it's not something you can rearrange and suggest things she and toddler can do in Munich/near by for a couple of hours, then it should be fine. She'll be with the men for most of the day anyway. Maybe they could get a train in together and she and toddler can go to a museum or something.

sunbathe · 15/09/2014 10:20

I think she'll breathe a sigh of relief at being able to have a couple of hours to herself.

The toddler may nap so she gets a real break. Or they'll go out and do some toddler-oriented stuff.

I think this retreat sounds wonderful for you, ernest and I think you should take it.

What are the chances of your dh taking a day off work in future, so you can go on a retreat? Nil, right?

woollyjumpers · 15/09/2014 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TrendStopper · 15/09/2014 10:24

I wouldn't think that it was rude being left alone for a couple of hours as long as I knew about it in advance so I could make other arrangements for that time.

When I visit one of my friends we never spent the whole time together. I get a key and just please myself. Go out when I want, make my meals when I want etc and I don't find it rude because the time that we do spend together is special.

diddl · 15/09/2014 10:43

TBH, I wouldn't give it a second thought.

They are getting 4nights free accommodation so that they can go to Oktoberfest.

I really can't tell if seeing OP & her husband is secondary to that!

either way, they surely can't expect that OP & her family are sitting around the whole time catering for them & entertaining them??

diddl · 15/09/2014 10:45

TBH, if the wife does end up looking after the 6yr old for a couple of hrs, I'd find that a small price to pay for free bed (&board)? for the family!!

clam · 15/09/2014 10:49

I think this all hangs on the way it is handled. If you are otherwise a wonderfully warm and welcoming host (as I'm sure you are), and you apologise for the fact that there's been an oversight and you're already booked on this retreat that can't be altered (white lie there - God will understand), and go out of your way to make sure the wife has plenty of things to do whilst you're out, then I'm sure you'd get away with it.

Your dh, on the other hand, needs a slap.

SolomanDaisy · 15/09/2014 10:50

If I was the visiting woman I would be very pleased to have a few hours alone with my toddler. Staying with people you don't know for that long is quite intense, it is good to have a break. But I think you need to tell her about it in advance.

DraggingDownDownDown · 15/09/2014 10:52

As a compromise.....

As DH sprung this on you and feels strongly that you should be at home, could you agree to be there BUT only if he agrees to take a day leave from work when the next one occurs so you can go on it?

Veritata · 15/09/2014 10:58

No, she doesn't know anybody here. But it is an amazing city. Especially at thgis time of year. We have train into the city centre just 2 minutes walk from our house so she wouldn't be trapped in.

But not so easy with a toddler when you don't necessarily know where you can go for nappy changes etc. Unless you can arrange for your dh to drop her off at a child friendly venue?

diddl · 15/09/2014 11:02

My goodness, it's only for a couple of hrs!!

Perhaps her & her husband can do something together in the morning. Then she's just got a couple of hrs to kill before OP is back!

PandasRock · 15/09/2014 11:06

OP, i am a shy, introverted person, and I would not mind what you are suggesting at all as long as it was clear I didn't have to look after your children (and preferably would be guaranteed peace/not have to interact with them) while you are out.

My plan in your place would be:

Send friends an email saying how you are looking forward to them coming, gush a bit about how great it will be to have them for Oktoberfest etc. then mention how, unfortunately, you have this day booked (and that it isn't movable), but there is always XYZ (insert local attraction) to do with her dc. And then have a plan for the evening, a nice meal out for you and her + all dc, maybe?

I would only mind if I turned up for the visit and was told then, as I wouldn't necessarily be able to plan for that time. If told in advance, I could either plan a local attraction to visit, or (more likely) would already be looking forward to it as a peaceful break from the strain of visiting and stating in someone I don't really know's house! (But then I do find prolonged visiting stressful Grin)

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/09/2014 11:17

It was unfair of DH not to discuss the visit before he invited these friends for this holiday. I am guessing he suspected you'd say no so he jumped right in without consultation.

If you are set on going, I think you should give her advance warning - I am sure the friend could cope for three hours on her own. She and her H are staying for 5 days and I'm sure you'll see they are entertained the rest of the time.

But it's not their fault your DH engineered this whole visit without consulting you. And at the time, this church event hadn't even entered into the equation.

If you forego the retreat this time, use this opportunity and talk to DH say your faith's important to you. If he has no interest in it, can't he respect it holds importance for you? So next time a similar event arises you don't want to hear any sneery comments - you'll go. And definitely review making decisions that impact on you and the family.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 15/09/2014 11:23

I agree that speaking to the DW is the best idea. Explain that this opportunity has come up but you don't want her to feel abandoned. An afternoon out with my toddler exploring the sights sounds like a lovely break to me from being a guest in someone else's house :)

Original poster
ernesttheBavarian · 15/09/2014 11:25

Wow, so many responses with such variety. Yes, I mean, they are only coming cos it's Oktoberfest. And really it should just be the 2 dh. But I guess the dw wanted to also come. I mean, she won't be doing too much Oktoberfesting I don't think. SO we are basically providing a free mini break so he can something he really wants to do that otherwise would cost loads. All flights and hotels are miles more expensive now.

They are going to the match because dh got tickets for FC Bayern and the guest dh is sports mad. They will be heading down to the OF afterwards no doubt.

I really think I will need a break at some point. I mean even my mum doesn't stay so long when she comes to visit.

I'll speak to dh tonight. I don't have her contact details. Would have to get them off dh later.

I haven't turned down a single retreat that I have been here for. They are often during school holidays and we are normally not here.

GoblinLittleOwl - absolutely no idea what you mean by martyr comment. But whatever, it's totally wrong. I am asking for opinions. Because if the majority of people said it would be wrong to go, the I definitely wouldn't go. Like I said, I sometimes have trouble seeing things from other pov, hens asking for other pov. I've read on MN many times about peole who have guests staying sending them off for the day, or whatever.

For us, 5 days is a long visit. I think it's weird to consider taking 2.5 hours off hostess duty in 5 days to be unpleasant and so bad? But I'm interested to hear. It will help me discuss it with my dh tonight as I have a clearer ideas on different takes on it.

OP posts:
Lweji · 15/09/2014 11:34

It does depend on your female guest.

Some people might be offended. Others (me included) wouldn't (and might actually welcome it). What is your feeling on this?

I think making sure she is well cared for during the other days would show that you are committed to being a good host. If she is simply tagging along, she probably isn't going for the benefit of your company, would she?