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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go out for a whole day when we have guests for the weekend?

160 replies

ernesttheBavarian · 15/09/2014 06:45

OK; they are school friends, mainly of my dh, but I knew them too. We were not in touch for years decades and recently, due to fb they have got back in touch (a couple of years) and have met up a few times.

Anyway, dh has invited them over and they are coming, Wednesday till Sunday. I am dreading it a bit, but I'm sure it'll be lovely. But it's really the 2 men boys reliving their teenage years and getting stupidly drunk that the weekend is all about.

Anyway, I found out yesterday that my church is running a retreat day, and it is on that Saturday, probably from about 9-5. Dh and his mate are going to a football match that afternoon, already got 2 tickets.

My dh is a rabid atheist and sees red at the mere mention of religion, so it's always a sensitive issue. Because of this, I really hide, avoid confrontation, let things go, don't go as much as I would like etc etc. I usually miss these retreat days. There's only 1 or 2 a year. Often they are during school holidays or whatever which means I can't go. I have 4 kids, I work, I miss my spiritual enrichment time. I'm sure that leaves plenty of people, including my dh cold.

But, AIBU to want to go, or even, to actually go?

If the match starts at 4, I reckon dh and friend would go at 3, and I would be back by 5. Obviously if the match starts at 3 they would be off at e.g. 2.

Dh is stunned and shocked and angry with me for even mentioning it.

AIBU?
(sorry so long)

OP posts:
Veritata · 15/09/2014 07:49

Are you in Munich, and do the friends live in Germany? If not, I think it really would be rude (and maybe somewhat unchristian?) to leave the wife on her own in a strange country.

Original poster
ernesttheBavarian · 15/09/2014 07:50

Just to make it clear, I like both the dh and dh and their dc is lovely. She is a very nice, kind friendly person. But I've only seen her a couple of times since we left school a hundred years ago and I'm quite shy and reserved and tbh an afternoon on my own with her feels pretty daunting, and 5 (3) days non-stop company without a break from them feels pretty overwhelming.

I don't blame dh for inviting the, I don't have a problem with them coming, but I will find all that time non-stop quite hard, retreat or no retreat.

OP posts:
QuietNinjaTardis · 15/09/2014 07:51

Why is it seen as you leaving the dw by herself and not your Dh and her Dh leaving her by herself? After all the invitation was from your Dh so surely he should be entertaining them both (and any dc)
Why is rude for you to go but not rude for them to go?

OwlCapone · 15/09/2014 07:52

It's not rude and unreasonable.

Some people might think it is, it doesn't make it fact

That works equally well the other way round. Just because some people think it's not rude and unreasonable to abandon a guest doesn't make it OK.

Trying to contain a toddler in someone else's house, whilst they have buggered off to enjoy themselves somewhere? Very rude IMO and I would be upset if someone did that to me.

It is not the guest's fault you disagree with your DH about inviting them.

Original poster
ernesttheBavarian · 15/09/2014 07:54

We live in Munich. They live in UK.

I could go on future retreat days but there probably won't be another one for 6 months or even a year, and it's likely to be during school holidays so I can't go, which has happened last couple e of times. And this retreat is being run by a priest I particularly like and find an amazing teacher. tThey are usually by another priest who isn't. It's not impossible but it's unlikely that there will be another, by this priest at a time that I can make.

OP posts:
OwlCapone · 15/09/2014 07:54

Why is it seen as you leaving the dw by herself and not your Dh and her Dh leaving her by herself?

  1. The DH is taking the male friend to a match and the plan was that the wives would be together.
  2. The OPs plan to go out for the whole day by herself only came up after the original plans
  3. They are guests of the family, not just the DH, no matter who invited them.
nannynoss · 15/09/2014 07:56

If I was going to be left in an empty house for a few hours, I would love it. It would be a good opportunity to properly relax in someone else's home. But with other children around I would hate it. But then I'm a nanny and I know I would get roped into child age ;)

RabbitOfNegativeEuphoria · 15/09/2014 08:00

Owl - it's not the OP's plan. She didn't invite these people. Her DH invited them, they are his problem and his responsibility which he is trying to duck by going out alone with the husband and leaving the OP to cope with the wife and a toddler who she never invited in the first place. OP - go to your retreat. Perhaps your DH will think twice before imposing unwanted guests on you without your agreement in the future. You aren't running a boarding house and you do have a right to your own life.

FunkyBoldRibena · 15/09/2014 08:00

Seriously OP, if he has an issue with you leaving the wife, then he should have asked you first if you had any plans before inviting them.

He has invited them, and then only because he has two tickets, it is him that is leaving the wife on her own. Not you. If you are not involved in the planning, then you should not have to be involved in the execution of the plan.

RabbitOfNegativeEuphoria · 15/09/2014 08:02

Owl - it does matter that the OPs DH invited them without consulting with the OP first. They aren't her guests, they are his guests. His problem, his responsibility. The problem has arisen because he was planning to bugger off to the footy and leave her holding the baby. Well, she's not his slave.

Vycount · 15/09/2014 08:02

So DH and his friend can bugger off and it's Op's responsibility to entertain the guest who is left behind? If Op had decided to go on retreat before they arranged their footie outing would she still be wrong, or would it be a matter for the "boys2 to deal with as they got their bid for freedom in first?
If your DH thinks that it would be rude for you to get away for a few hours Op then maybe he should have checked your plans before inviting people over, and before arranging to go to a match. Because he's already decided to leave her and is trying to make this your problem.
For what it's worth I'd go, and I'd expect a guest to be understanding about it as after all it's only a few hours. Funnily enough I always deprive visitors of my company for at least a couple of hours every day because I have to go and care for my horses. It's never an issue.

woollyjumpers · 15/09/2014 08:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 15/09/2014 08:07

If DH thinks it's rude, he's free to cancel the football to stay home with guests HE invited without consulting you.

This.

Lweji · 15/09/2014 08:09

Personally, even as a guest, I would love to have a few hours to myself. She might even feel the same.

I would leave a few options of places for her to go with her DC if she wants to OR really pass the ball to the OH:

CrotchMaven · 15/09/2014 08:12

The guests could go to the football, you go to the retreat & your husband watches all the kids. Sorted!

YakInAMac · 15/09/2014 08:14

He has put you in a really difficult situation.

Did he know you would be out on the Saturday? I guess not as he tried to get tickets for you.

Ideally, you would have made your pans very clear in advance and he would have known you would be out, then he would have consulted you about the invitation, and then he would have said t guests 'we'd love you to come, the only thing is Ernest has a commitment on Saturday, willyou be OK to take care of yourselves?'

If you look at it one way, it is actually your DH who is abandoning one of HIS guests by going t the match without her!! Maybe he should offer them both the tickets and he offer to care for their child, since he created the situation!

Can you contact her in advance and say 'sorry, DH forgot to mention, am out all day Saturday, is that OK with you?' so she is prepared? Has she got other friends in the city that she could catch up with?

NormanTheForeman · 15/09/2014 08:18

Would there be the option of just going for the morning of the retreat? If so, that's what I'd do, then you won't be leaving the wife and toddler in your house without any adult company.

Bowlersarm · 15/09/2014 08:23

I don't think your husband has been a wanker all, as a pp delightfully suggested.

He has invited friends over. He should have asked you, and I doubt he will make that mistake again.

Your DH is taking time off work. Your DH is doing all the cooking. Your DH is helping with the 'beds'. He couldn't do any more to make it easier for you.

You subsequently decide to go out for the day. It wasnt pre arranged before you knew you had guests. If you said to anyone about going to the retreat "I'm sorry I can't, we have guests for the weekend" no one would dream of saying "oh that's fine, you can just leave them for the day"

I think you'll make the DW feel unwelcome and a nuisance.

I think you are being the selfish one, not your DH.

OddFodd · 15/09/2014 08:24

But you've booked the retreat after you'd invited the guests. If you'd invited on the basis that you would be out all day Saturday, then fair enough. But that isn't what happened.

You're making it very clear that you didn't invite them and you don't want them there. It's very rude I'm afraid.

And if you can leave your children without childcare because the older one can look after the younger ones, why can't you do that in the school holidays?

Original poster
ernesttheBavarian · 15/09/2014 08:27

If you look at it one way, it is actually your DH who is abandoning one of HIS guests by going t the match without her!! Maybe he should offer them both the tickets and he offer to care for their child, since he created the situation! That's Hilarious! I'l present that to him tonight as a genuine solution possibility. Then suddenly he might find my retreat so attractive.

I guess the crux is if she would enjoy some time on her own too, how she would feel about having a few hours. But I guess she would be polite and say it was ok rather than being honest so I'll never really know.
So I might blow off the retreat and stay here and secretly we both wish I wasn't here :)

No, she doesn't know anybody here. But it is an amazing city. Especially at thgis time of year. We have train into the city centre just 2 minutes walk from our house so she wouldn't be trapped in.

OP posts:
WD41 · 15/09/2014 08:30

They're coming from abroad?

I said before that it would make me feel upset - but quite frankly if I'd travelled overseas and this happened, I'd be fuming. As well as finding it pretty ironic that you were visiting a religious retreat.

Lweji · 15/09/2014 08:31

I do think it would be different if that was the only day they were staying. Or they were your best friends.

But one day out of a few seems ok to me.

AnnoyingOrange · 15/09/2014 08:31

I'd go on the retreat
I'm sure the wife will be quite capable of amusing her own toddler for a few hours, whether she stays in or goes out and about
And as others have said, she might welcome the break from "being a guest"

Boysclothes · 15/09/2014 08:34

I have to agree with above posters. We regularly have DHs friends over to stay from abroad. He doesn't "ask" me as such, these are his dearest friends and he tells me when they are coming to the UK and we host them as a team. Sometimes I do have to work but I wouldn't dream of making plans for an entire day when I already know they are coming. They are our guests!

On the flip side, I wouldn't to expect have to ask DH if I wanted people to stay either. I'd tell him and in the absence of pre existing plans I'd expect him to host them with me. That's part of the deal in my eyes, you host people as a team and welcome each other's friends and family as if they are your own.

AnyFucker · 15/09/2014 08:35

Yanbu

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