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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go out for a whole day when we have guests for the weekend?

160 replies

ernesttheBavarian · 15/09/2014 06:45

OK; they are school friends, mainly of my dh, but I knew them too. We were not in touch for years decades and recently, due to fb they have got back in touch (a couple of years) and have met up a few times.

Anyway, dh has invited them over and they are coming, Wednesday till Sunday. I am dreading it a bit, but I'm sure it'll be lovely. But it's really the 2 men boys reliving their teenage years and getting stupidly drunk that the weekend is all about.

Anyway, I found out yesterday that my church is running a retreat day, and it is on that Saturday, probably from about 9-5. Dh and his mate are going to a football match that afternoon, already got 2 tickets.

My dh is a rabid atheist and sees red at the mere mention of religion, so it's always a sensitive issue. Because of this, I really hide, avoid confrontation, let things go, don't go as much as I would like etc etc. I usually miss these retreat days. There's only 1 or 2 a year. Often they are during school holidays or whatever which means I can't go. I have 4 kids, I work, I miss my spiritual enrichment time. I'm sure that leaves plenty of people, including my dh cold.

But, AIBU to want to go, or even, to actually go?

If the match starts at 4, I reckon dh and friend would go at 3, and I would be back by 5. Obviously if the match starts at 3 they would be off at e.g. 2.

Dh is stunned and shocked and angry with me for even mentioning it.

AIBU?
(sorry so long)

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 15/09/2014 08:38

But realistically the guest and her child will only be alone for a couple of hours not the whole day, it personally wouldn't bother me at all. I'd find it very cloying to be in someone else's company fir four days or so with no means of just doing something myself or with my child.

I wouldn't find it particularly rude either if somebody had something on if I was visiting a family, it's just one of those things when people choose to visit you in your own home, your life goes on.

BackforGood · 15/09/2014 08:39

It is rude to book / arrange to do something after you know the guests will be there and it will leave the lady on her own in a strange house in a strange country for a few hours.
It would have been fine if, when you were all checking diaries and arranging for them to come that weekend if you'd said "Oh, I'm out all day that Saturday, you are welcome to come, but there will be a couple of hours after the men have gone to the match before I get home, if you are OK with that?" and she would no doubt have said 'oh yes, that's fine if you are happy to leave me in your house' and all would be good.

That's very different though from booking to go out for the day once their visit is already in your diary

Bowlersarm · 15/09/2014 08:41

Totally agree BackforGood. The whole point is booking something in after inviting the guests.

KnackeredMuchly · 15/09/2014 08:43

I think YABU - miss the retreat and take dw and kids out for a nice day. Insist your husband book a day's annual leave when the childcare issue rears it's head at a future retreat.

TheHandmadeStaleBread · 15/09/2014 08:45

If I were the wife, I would not think this unreasonable at all - but then I am also religious and do very much value my time spent in spiritual recharging - and have a DH who, while not anti-religion as such, doesn't really get it. He does facilitate whatever I want to do with church though, as he gets how important it is to me.

I would be incandescent at not being consulted about someone coming to stay in my house - I'm not the most outgoing of people, and not being able to escape on my own for that long would result in problems.

Original poster
ernesttheBavarian · 15/09/2014 08:47

I sort of agree re it being arranged after.

I'm just so torn because there might not be a future retreat that I can attend for months, even a couple of years.

And we might only be talking a couple of hours.literally a couple of hours.

OP posts:
Lweji · 15/09/2014 08:48

I think it would have been unreasonable if the retreats happen a few times a year.
If this is almost a one off opportunity and you haven't been to one in ages, then I'd definitely go. And hand over brochures for places to go to this friend. Or pass on the responsibility to OH.

clam · 15/09/2014 08:50

He tried to get 4 tickets? For a match you yawned about? So you don't even like football, yet he decided unilaterally to try to get you a ticket?

I'd LTB for that alone!

Bouttimeforwine · 15/09/2014 08:50

I think you should go.

Original poster
ernesttheBavarian · 15/09/2014 08:52

I hate football. But I suppose it'd be fun to go to Bayern match at Allianz arena. But I'm not disappointed he couldn't get me a ticket. Not at all.

Should I ring her? Try and get an honest answer.

The match I think is 15.30. I could be back by 17.00. SO yes, we're talking 2.5 hours, 3 hours absolute maximum.

OP posts:
Optimist1 · 15/09/2014 08:53

Backforgood has it in a nutshell. And to those who suggest that Guest Woman will have a nice quiet time without the other adults - she could well end up with 5 DC (her own toddler and OP's 4) for company, so not so relaxing!

Bowlersarm · 15/09/2014 08:54

OP-why don't you ring her or email the DW herself, if it's really that important to you.

Yes she'll probably say it's fine even if she doesn't mean it, but at least she'll be forewarned and can make plans and do some research about what she might do. Maybe her DH will even offer not to go to the football match with her so they can do something together.

pictish · 15/09/2014 08:56

I sympathise with you completely. You didn't invite them.

I'd be exhausted after three full days of entertaining...and I'm outgoing!
I can understand why this retreat is so tempting.
BUT
I don't think I could quite bring myself to bugger off for the day and leave the wife alone. Even for three hours. Bit rude...sorry.
Your dh owes you a massive one though.

As an asides, I don't like the sound of him bullying you over your choices.

Lweji · 15/09/2014 08:57

The alternative is that you go to the next retreat regardless of what is happening.

GoodtoBetter · 15/09/2014 08:57

No way! She can entertain herself for a few hours! DH invited them without asking you and there's something else you want to do, there's nothing unreasonable about that! You are sooooooo NBU. Go on the retreat. If he invites people without consulting you he takes the risk you aren't free.
So annoyed on your behalf.

GoodtoBetter · 15/09/2014 08:57

Forewarn the wife and she can make plans. I wouldn't mind if I were the wife, especially if I didn't particularly know you anyway.

AnnoyingOrange · 15/09/2014 09:01

To be honest, if I were the guest I wouldn't really want to spend all day every day with my hosts for 3/5 days however much I liked them

TheRealMaryMillington · 15/09/2014 09:04

If I were her it would be a blessed relief to not have to hang out with someone I didn't know that well for 5 days solid, especially on my own.

I think so long as you:
give her free run of the house/cupboards
suggest some toddler-friendly stuff she could do
make sure there is no suggestion that she is childminding
then its fine

I would let her know in advance though too.

pictish · 15/09/2014 09:07

Neither would I annoyingorange - but then I'd never have guests for three days, or stay at someone else's house for three days either. The thought fills me with horror.
I had my dad and brother here for three days once, a while ago, and while they were easy enough as house guests, I was never so glad to see the back of anyone.
Having to be 'switched on' the entire time for your guest's benefit is something I can achieve, but secretly drains the life out of me.
An overnighter is fine. More than that is exhausting, either as guest or host.

I'd always see it out if I had to do it, but no - it's not my idea of fun.

BringMeTea · 15/09/2014 09:09

YANBU. I would welcome some down time as a guest. I know that isn't the point but you may be worrying about her unnecessarily. Your DH is very much in the wrong here.

PistolWhipped · 15/09/2014 09:10

Go to the retreat. And never come back.

DinoSnores · 15/09/2014 09:13

Goodness, I am the same. I'd much rather have a break from my hosts, however lovely they are, for a few hours than be with them all the time. It wouldn't bother me at all and I'd be very grateful for it!

YANBU.

diddl · 15/09/2014 09:17

His guests his problem imo.

If he expects OP to fall in with his plans he should have the fucking decency to talk to her about them first!

"Shocked, stunned angry"-he needs to get the fuck over himself!

oranges · 15/09/2014 09:18

I think you are within your rights to go. But there will an excruciating moment in the afternoon, when you are gone, and your dh and his friend get up to leave, and there will be one guest being obviously left behind. It may be easier to just suggest an activity she can do that begins a bit earlier, to avoid that moment.

pictish · 15/09/2014 09:20

I agree diddl.