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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not feel sympathetic my friend is a single parent?

130 replies

TippingtheScales · 13/09/2014 15:42

The father of her child is a poor excuse of a human being.

They were never officially a couple and he would use her for sex when his girlfriend and mother of his 2 children threw him out (never ending cycle)

She looked through his phone and found out he was also father to another child. He's forced one partner to have an abortion.

My friend got pregnant on purpose and it seems like she did it so she would have a tie to him.

He's not interested in the slightest.

I love my friend and I support her as much as I can but when she moans about how he's not interested and he's a bad father I just have no sympathy because she knew exactly what he was like long before she got pregnant.

Aibu?

OP posts:

PiperRose · 13/09/2014 15:44

YABU. No one is perfect and everyone makes mistakes. Your job as her friend is to be supportive and not judge.

SmilingHappyBeaver · 13/09/2014 15:46

YANBU - what on earth was she thinking?

Lweji · 13/09/2014 15:46

Have you told her you have no sympathy?

Smilesandpiles · 13/09/2014 15:46

A bit, yeah. I completely agree with you though but you will need to keep this to yourself and help your mate out as you have been.

Notacs · 13/09/2014 15:47

If she got pregnant on purpose she wanted a child ?

mommy2ash · 13/09/2014 15:47

I think you need to look at the bigger picture here

gordyslovesheep · 13/09/2014 15:47

end the friendship - she needs supportive mates she can moan to - right or wrong. You don't fit that bill

fedupbutfine · 13/09/2014 15:48

with friends like you, who needs enemies?

More seriously, do you honestly think single parents to feel sorry for them in some way? Or are you attempting to create some kind of two-tier (or indeed, more than two-tier) single parent sympathy system? You know, single parents should have to explain themselves to anyone and everyone...and then people can decide whether their situation warrants sympathy or not.

basgetti · 13/09/2014 15:49

YABU. She's not a single parent of the 'worthy' variety eh? Let her find some real friends then.

Original poster

TippingtheScales · 13/09/2014 15:51

I am supportive and I have helped out so much with her child.

I keep my opinion to myself, but when I hear her moan about what a bad father he is and how he's not interested when she knew what he was like before she got pregnant I just feel a bit - this was the route you took so you need to accept it and build the best life you can.

OP posts:

LetticeKnollys · 13/09/2014 15:53

You can think someone made stupid decisions and still feel sympathetic that they are in a very tough situation. That is, if you have an ounce of emotional intelligence.

Original poster

TippingtheScales · 13/09/2014 15:54

More seriously, do you honestly think single parents to feel sorry for them in some way?

No idea what you're trying to say.

I'm not talking about single parents in general and neither do I feel sorry for them because they don't need my pity. I respect them and it's none of my business.

OP posts:

squoosh · 13/09/2014 15:54

YABU.

And not much of a friend. Are you a human or an automaton?

Smilesandpiles · 13/09/2014 15:54

As much as you want to say "suck it up and get on with it" don't bother. She will already know this, she's just venting. Let her. You're a mate.

DaisyFlowerChain · 13/09/2014 15:56

Good friends can be honest with each other and you should be able to tell her the truth when she moans. People can be both truthful and supportive at the same time.

fedupbutfine · 13/09/2014 15:59

No idea what you're trying to say

that you're rather patronising? that single parents don't actually need people to feel sorry for them? that what most single parents actually need is to be treated the same as anyone else?

And no, you don't 'respect' single parents or you wouldn't be posting such drivel.

Original poster

TippingtheScales · 13/09/2014 16:00

Geez squoosh do you follow me around trying to be nasty and belittle me constantly?

I don't remember ever doing anything to you.

I refuse to engage with you again. You will not bully me off a public forum.

OP posts:

Username12345 · 13/09/2014 16:00

YANBU

She made her bed.

Bulbasaur · 13/09/2014 16:02

Whether she did it "on purpose" or not, it takes two to make a baby. If he was really so concerned he could have used a rubber. He obviously didn't.

Considering he already has children, the onus really is on him to make sure he doesn't have any more.

He may never be interested but he had better be paying child support to help her raise his child.

TheDalek · 13/09/2014 16:02

YANBU. It is tough being a single parent. Very tough. But she got pregnant on purpose (presumably without him knowing she wasn't using contraception- and I could go on about why it shouldn't be on her to provide all contraception, but if that was their agreement, they keep to it, and if unhappy, talk about it) and that was a horrible thing to do. It wasn't a stupid decision, choices like that are calculated. The man sounds worse, however.

I feel sorry for the child for having that man as a father, not her for having him as her ex. My father is not interested at all, hasn't been since I was small. I have a stepdad, only since I was older though (and he's lovely), and although I think she's entitled to moan and rant, you're also entitled to not be that sympathetic to her.

ExpectedlyMediocre · 13/09/2014 16:03

She sounds very sad and desperate, how could she even bear to be near a man who forced someone to have an abortion eurgh!

Original poster

TippingtheScales · 13/09/2014 16:03

that you're rather patronising? that single parents don't actually need people to feel sorry for them? that what most single parents actually need is to be treated the same as anyone else?

And no, you don't 'respect' single parents or you wouldn't be posting such drivel.

Why are you trying to make this about all single parents? I just said I don't feel sorry for them, so why are you trying to put words in my mouth?

If you are a single parent then don't project your issue with that or what you think society thinks onto me.

This is not about all single parents. Get over yourself.

OP posts:

fedupbutfine · 13/09/2014 16:05

This is not about all single parents

No. Just the ones you call your 'friend' and then slag off on a public forum.

Username12345 · 13/09/2014 16:06

If people didn't slag off someone in their life, MN would be pretty empty.

JanineStHubbins · 13/09/2014 16:07

OP, you're justifying your lack of sympathy for your friend and the uninterested and useless father of her child because she 'knew what he was like' beforehand. The logical corollary of this is that had she not know what he was like, she would be deserving of sympathy. Which creates a worthy/unworthy good/bad single parent divide. See?

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