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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not feel sympathetic my friend is a single parent?

130 replies

TippingtheScales · 13/09/2014 15:42

The father of her child is a poor excuse of a human being.

They were never officially a couple and he would use her for sex when his girlfriend and mother of his 2 children threw him out (never ending cycle)

She looked through his phone and found out he was also father to another child. He's forced one partner to have an abortion.

My friend got pregnant on purpose and it seems like she did it so she would have a tie to him.

He's not interested in the slightest.

I love my friend and I support her as much as I can but when she moans about how he's not interested and he's a bad father I just have no sympathy because she knew exactly what he was like long before she got pregnant.

Aibu?

OP posts:

fedupbutfine · 13/09/2014 16:08

But she got pregnant on purpose (presumably without him knowing she wasn't using contraception- and I could go on about why it shouldn't be on her to provide all contraception, but if that was their agreement, they keep to it, and if unhappy, talk about it) and that was a horrible thing to do. It wasn't a stupid decision, choices like that are calculated. The man sounds worse, however

It takes two people to get pregnant. Unless she was pricking holes in his contraception which he was using every time he had sex with her, without fail, there is nothing 'on purpose' about it. Contraception, with the best will in the world, can fail. That is something two people who are engaging in a sexual relationship need to accept. If getting pregnant would be too traumatic, then the only option is abstinence. He didn't abstain. She didn't get pregnant 'on purpose'.

KneeQuestion · 13/09/2014 16:08

Sounds like your 'friends' judgement on men is as poor as it is on friends.

squoosh · 13/09/2014 16:09

Geez squoosh do you follow me around trying to be nasty and belittle me constantly?

I don't remember ever doing anything to you.

I refuse to engage with you again. You will not bully me off a public forum.

Ummmm, have we met? Top tip: If you don't want honest responses then don't post such bitchy things about your 'friends' on a public forum.

You're welcome.

OfaFrenchMind · 13/09/2014 16:10

YANBU. She is a moron.
As a friend, you can give her an ear, let her vent, but you can also think that having a baby with a waste of a man is stupid, and she did it to herself.

She is trying to get you sympathy by moaning about it, but well... At one point, we have to assume responsibility of our acts, even as stupid as hers were. Stay her friend, pay lip service if you want, but don't feel guilty for having an opinion!

honeysucklejasmine · 13/09/2014 16:11

YANBU to feel frustrated. It can be really upsetting to see a friend do something reckless of purpose and really hard not to just roll your eyes when they finally get it.

However, she is going to need some support from you over the next few years, and if you're prepared to offer it, keep the eye rolling internal and change the subject if she starts to whinge.

fedupbutfine I think you've misread. OP isn't criticising single parents or thinking she's better. She's frustrated that her friend made a decision, a purposeful decision, to get in to this situation and is now moaning about it. OP isn't annoyed with single parents, just people who make reckless decisions on purpose then whinge.

Nomama · 13/09/2014 16:13

Tipping I know what you mean.

A friend's OH was like that. Impregnated 2 sisters (his mum took in both babies, 1 of them had a 2nd with him) and had terminations with a couple of other girls - I have posted before about telling her what he was up to.

I was also friends with one of the sisters. I told her in no uncertain terms that she was mad to get involved with him, knowing his gf and the other women. But she knew best.

When he and his mum dumped her she was in pieces. I never once said 'told you so' but she never once acknowledged that she could have foreseen her problems. She is no longer a friend, I couldn't put up with her moaning how badly she had been treated... when she got to 'It's not fair' I gave up.

TheDalek · 13/09/2014 16:14

She got pregnant on purpose.

They had agreed on a certain form of contraception, presumably. She didn't use it. She got pregnant on purpose, she lied to him about something very serious, something which, if she had her way and it had tied him to her, would have affected him for the rest of his life. As he's a shitty excuse for a human being, it hasn't affected him, but that's beside the point.

I don't agree that it should be the woman's responsibility all the time. It takes two to tango and all that. Anyone sensible would make sure you use your own contraception, male or female, regardless of what your partner is doing, especially as the contraception for females can affect your hormones and so on. But I think if you're in a relationship where you are responsible for the contraception, you should talk about it to the partner. If you can't talk about it or he doesn't do anything, then break up.

HeySoulSister · 13/09/2014 16:21

Many women think a baby will make a man change.... Just look at the relationships threads!

Yabu in being bitchy and unsupportive tho

poolomoomon · 13/09/2014 16:22

Yanbu, at all. It would be entirely different if she had no idea he had prior for this kind of behaviour and then got pregnant but she knew. She was fortunate enough to know the man she was sleeping with was a class A jerk and not only did she not leave him, she purposely got pregnant. She purposely got pregnant knowing full well what kind of a 'man' he was. Why the fuck? She's made her bed and all that...

Agreed on your other comment about not feeling sorry for single parents too. They do deserve respect, not pity.

fedupbutfine · 13/09/2014 16:24

No. I haven't misread. She is making a judgement call about what kind of single parent is worthy of her sympathy. I have this conversation with strangers on a regular basis.

(looks at my 3 children and lack of ring on finger). You're not married then?
No. I'm divorced.
Oh. He was abusive then?
No.
Oh.
so why are you divorced?
because he had an affair
so you didn't try and make it work
he left to be with her
have you been divorced long
5 years
but you have a 6 year old
he left me pregnant
oh. does he see them
yes.
I guess you must have a good life, what with 3 children and all those single parent benefits.
there is no such thing as a single parent benefit. I work. Full time. I am a teacher.
oh. did you marry young?
No. We were 30. We met at 27.
did you have children soon after you met him?
No. Our first one was born when I was 33. We'd been together for 6 years at that point.
did you study after he left you?
No. I was educated well before I met him.
Oh. So...you're a single parent, through no fault of your own who is both educated and hard working and doesn't receive benefits. I like you. I'll be your friend.

Countless perfect strangers have taken it upon themselves to have this conversation with me in the last 6 years. Countless people make a judgement as to whether or not I am 'worthy' of their friendship as a result of this conversation. Let's just say I have no friends with whom I have ever had this conversation. My friends are people who couldn't give a shit as to whether or not it's my fault I'm a single parent. They are friends with me because they like who I am, what I'm into, what I stand for. Not because I once had a relationship with a man who turned out to be less than reliable.

OfaFrenchMind · 13/09/2014 16:26

fedupbutfine sorry to tell you that, but she did not mean that at all, and you are letting your own experience change her meaning. This is not about you.

cleethorpesperson · 13/09/2014 16:27

she lied to him about something very serious, something which, if she had her way and it had tied him to her, would have affected him for the rest of his life.

Woah there. How do you know she lied to him?

usualsuspect333 · 13/09/2014 16:27

You big bully,squoosh

OP, YABU.

cleethorpesperson · 13/09/2014 16:29

Applause for fedupbutfine. It's like goodAIDS and badAIDS. And also part of the entire sorry narrative that mistrusts women's sexual agency.

exexpat · 13/09/2014 16:30

I think perhaps OP should have worded this as 'AIBU to be unsympathetic when friend whinges about the father of her child being crap when she knew what he was like before she deliberately got pregnant'.

You'd have got rather more supportive replies if you hadn't mentioned 'single parent' in the title, as if we are somehow all in need of sympathy (and/or judgement about how we ended up in this position).

outer · 13/09/2014 16:31

YANBU

If it was perfectly obvious what he was like before she got pregnant, then what does she expect? No point in moaning about him being a shit dad when she always knew he was going to be a shit dad.

fedupbutfine · 13/09/2014 16:31

fedupbutfine sorry to tell you that, but she did not mean that at all, and you are letting your own experience change her meaning. This is not about you

No. It's about whether single parents are allowed to moan about their single parent status or not. It should be about friendship and support and loyalty. But it's about whether or not single parents are worthy of friendship, support and loyalty. According to the OP, no single parent who in her opinion set out to be a single parent deserves that. I take exception to the fact that as single parents, we are forced to declare to perfect strangers on an all too regular basis whether or not we are the type of single parent who deserves friendship. It's not friendship, is it?

GratefulHead · 13/09/2014 16:33

What a sad situation, your friend sounds like she really wanted the perfect little family of love and a child etc. Sadly although the writing was on the wall before hand she couldn't see it. What she now needs is support to make the best of the difficult situation.

outer · 13/09/2014 16:34

Fedup you're seeing something that's not there.

But yes, some single parents deserve sympathy and some don't. The ones who don't knew they were having a baby with a wanker before they had it. Their choice.

SkimWordsSuck · 13/09/2014 16:36

YANBU but exexpats wording would have been better.

I can never understand how someone can purposely get pregnant with someone they know is unsuitable/a waster/etc - it's so unfair on the child.

squoosh · 13/09/2014 16:37

Wow, maybe I'm odd but I feel sympathy for any friend going through a tough time, whether she's made poor choices or had bad luck thrust upon her. Isn't that what friendship is about?

The fact alone that someone would choose to have a baby with such a man would make me feel sorry for them.

fedupbutfine · 13/09/2014 16:38

outer

at the risk of getting myself banned, do fuck off with your sympathy. I have yet to meet a single parent who wants anyone's sympathy. We are not poor, pathetic creatures who require sympathy.

OfaFrenchMind · 13/09/2014 16:40

Fedup, no, she was not saying her friend was not worthy of friendship and support.
She was just saying her friend got herself in a shit situation, and while being her friend and supporting her, she could also think that she could have avoided something she is moaning about if she had used a little bit of common sense. She knew full well what she was getting into. So she is not saying anything against single parents, but rather against morons.

Again, it's not about you.

Nomama · 13/09/2014 16:41

Fedup, I'll introduce you to my sister if you like. Nephew is 22 and DSis has never asked for or received sympathy from me, any other family or friends.

But I still did have that friend who set out to get pregnant (twice) by a total prat and then expected the world to feel sorry for her predicament.

Such women do exist, as do the men they are attracted to!

But they are not the only flavour!

outer · 13/09/2014 16:42

So what's the problems with the OP not having any sympathy for her friend then?

You seem a bit sensitive.

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