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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not feel sympathetic my friend is a single parent?

130 replies

TippingtheScales · 13/09/2014 15:42

The father of her child is a poor excuse of a human being.

They were never officially a couple and he would use her for sex when his girlfriend and mother of his 2 children threw him out (never ending cycle)

She looked through his phone and found out he was also father to another child. He's forced one partner to have an abortion.

My friend got pregnant on purpose and it seems like she did it so she would have a tie to him.

He's not interested in the slightest.

I love my friend and I support her as much as I can but when she moans about how he's not interested and he's a bad father I just have no sympathy because she knew exactly what he was like long before she got pregnant.

Aibu?

OP posts:
mimishimmi · 13/09/2014 23:20

YABU although it would be a totally different kettle of fish if she expected all and sundry, including you, to care for the child. She's just having a whinge about what a tosser he is and you sound very unkind.

fellowes · 13/09/2014 23:35

yanbu , she knew the score , id be tempted to say it .

Bulbasaur · 13/09/2014 23:53

Stop hanging around her, she needs and deserves real friends.

So a "real friend" should just acquiece to everything she does and not have a single opinion about it? You are mistaking a friend with a pet, or a well-meaning robot.

A real friend doesn't victim blame because she "should have known how he was". Would we say that to a woman who was abused because she knew her partner was abusive? Why is this any different, or even ok? Her "knowing he's a dick" doesn't make it ok for him to be a dick.

A real friend doesn't bitch about their friend behind their back while being nice to their face.

A real friend understands that biologically, two people are responsible for a baby.

No, you are mistaking a "friend" for a genuine friend.

Honestly, I don't understand how a man with several children he doesn't want can possibly be ignorant to how safe sex works. The person that doesn't want kids the most is the one that needs to be responsible for the birth control. In this case, it should have been him. Condoms are neither expensive nor hard to get.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/09/2014 00:12

Yabu.

Because you do not have to listen to her moan,you do not have to be in her company thinking the way you do about her life choices at all and if you were any type of decent friend you wouldn't do that.

You claim you love her you claim you want to support her as much as you can, well start doing it and start being a decent friend.

Your friend made a bit of a piss poor choice,she did not do it alone but she is the only one dealing with the consequences of the choice she made and all that entails. Start helping her to focus on the positives and how little her and her child need the piece of shit father,in time she will come to realise that by dwelling on him she is undermining her own emotional well being and you can both work together to change the way she thinks about the situation.

Do it in a sensitive way and try and remember that hope when you think you are in love is a pretty powerful thing and something that can fuck over even the most cynical amongst us. And whilst you are at it have a little compassion.

Northernparent68 · 14/09/2014 00:13

Are nt both the mother and father equally irresponsible ? To hold the father more culpable is to patronise the mother and deny her agency.

The evidence that children Of single mothers fare worse than those of two parents is overwhelming, no one puts a child in that situation should escape criticism.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/09/2014 00:19

But her friend is like a person who has been warned over and over again that something is scalding hot, who knows that if they touch it, it will cause them pain and lasting hurt, but has decided they want it anyway, so has grabbed it - and is now surprised that it did hurt them, and wants people to listen and sympathise whilst they complain about how much it hurts

Intentionally plunging your hand into boiling water does not hurt less then doing it by accident.

all the make your bed now lay in it posters She is doing so, nothing the op has posted implies she is not doing so. All she's doing is complaining about how comfortable the bed is. She is taking practical responsibility and dealing with the outcome of her piss poor choice,she is not the one who ran away from the responsibility.all she needs is a bit of help to change the way she thinks about it.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/09/2014 00:22

The evidence that children Of single mothers fare worse than those of two parents is overwhelming, no one puts a child in that situation should escape criticism

Is it overwhelming?

whethergirl · 14/09/2014 00:39

The evidence that children Of single mothers fare worse than those of two parents is overwhelming, no one puts a child in that situation should escape criticism.

Really Northernparent68?

I believed my ex and everything he said about wanting a family. I could not anticipate that he would cheat on me when I was pg. Nor could I stop him from disappearing from ds' life 6 years ago. So no, I won't take your criticism and I'll also stick my fingers up to your 'overwhelming evidence'. My DS is doing fine thank you very much.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 14/09/2014 00:45

It is my understanding that the vast majority of research on the subject these days tends to focus on the benefits of stable supportive households rather than just on the amount of parents in the household.

cerealqueen · 14/09/2014 00:46

I'm of the help your friend make better choices brigade. Seriously, if I see a friend keep on making stupid choices, I say something.

Friend 1. sees a man she likes. Chases him, immediately, relentlessly. Said man makes his lack of interest clear. She send letters, drunken texts. Begs. Not nice. Repeat, repeat. I say something, like, stop doing this. Other don't. (or do so behind her back) I'm not so popular.

Friend 2. Likes married men. Has affairs. Leaves a trail of broken marriages, one wife attempted suicide. Repeat. I say something, like stop doing this. Others don't. (But do behind her back) I'm not so popular.

In this case though, just support her being a single parent as the child is a pawn in all this.

Chairthing · 14/09/2014 00:49

But the "you made your bed, you lie in it" argument can be applied to any aspect of parenting, really. If the OP complained to her friend about her kid being up all night being sick, how would she react if her friend responded "Well, you made the choice to have kids, you knew what they were like, you've got no grounds to complain when they do what kids do"?

Past performance is no indicator of future prospects. Simply because this uy was a cockwomble previously, doesn't excuse him from his responsibilities. I'm pretty sure he must've worked out what keeps making all these woman have babies.

I realise what the OP is moaning about is basically her friend moaning when she could have just not got pregnant in the first place. But when relationships happen they're not really situations where we think rationally. Whether she could have avoided the situation or not is neither here nor there. You're her friend, you are being unreasonable if you think she isn't aware of the situation. If it annoys you, stop being her friend.

Ipigglemustdie · 14/09/2014 00:55

Yanbu really gets on my tits when someone (man or woman) who has a child with someone knowing full well they are useless then complaining how useless all (men or women) are at being a parent.

wafflyversatile · 14/09/2014 00:59

On the one hand it really was a silly thing to do and I would get bored of the moaning about a known shit dad being a shit dad years later too.

On the other plenty of people decide to have children then complain about the frustrations of parenthood when they occur. Would you reply to each complaint with 'well you decided to have kids'?

Maybe you could find a supportive way to talk to her about moving on from blaming him for being a shit dad. He's not going to change and she would be better to plan her life accepting that instead of hoping for the same things then being constantly disappointed. What's the saying? 'the definition of madness is doing the same things again and again but expecting different results'.

DontDrinkAndFacebook · 14/09/2014 04:46

Any woman who thinks she turn a useless, feckless, cheating, selfish fuckwit of a man into ideal husband material by having a child with him is a fool. If she thinks she is going to get any more, any different, or any better than she has always got, then she is a fool.

I always think of Al Wilson's The Snake at times like this. not only a brilliant song, but very very prophetic and wise lyrics.

DontPutMeDownForCardio · 14/09/2014 06:57

"Victim blame"? In what way is this woman a victim?! She deliberately got herself pregnant to a complete dick (and was conducting an affair with him! ) and thought it was going to change him. She's an idiot and doesn't deserve sympathy.

Its like couples who have a sticking plaster baby then split up. It's the child I feel sorry for. Why have a baby when the writing is on the wall.

DontDrinkAndFacebook · 14/09/2014 08:56

I agree - how is she a victim? Confused

If you stick your hand in a fire on purpose and you get burned, you are not a victim, just an idiot.

EatShitImTheRealTrinity · 14/09/2014 08:59

I wasn't aware we had to pass some sort of test to deem whether we should be felt sorry for as a single parent.

My girls have a dead dad, do I pass?

I don't think any single parent wants your sympathy.

And I agree you should be able to be supportive but also honest.

fedupbutfine · 14/09/2014 09:07

The evidence that children Of single mothers fare worse than those of two parents is overwhelming, no one puts a child in that situation should escape criticism

please provide us with your sources of overwhelming evidence.

And seriously, single mums deserve to be criticised? Goodness yes, we should criticise them for hanging around and doing their best by bringing up their children whilst the ex swans off and pretends said child doesn't exist. That is, indeed, always, always the single mum's fault.

Do be careful, it doesn't take much for good, seemingly solid relationships to fall apart overnight. And then you'd be one of us.

itispersonal · 14/09/2014 09:19

Yanbu to have little empathy with your friend when her actions led it their inevitable conclusion of her being left holding the baby.

Also I don't think your friend should expect continued empathy if she took the massive gamble on him, unless he brain washed her with some bull crap about how he was a changed man.

I think other pp are harsh, saying slagging friend off on mn makes you a bad friend. Part of the internet/mn is that you can vent anonymously and get other people's opinions. Plus your opinion of an internet is going to be polarised as your the one making the post.

EatShitImTheRealTrinity · 14/09/2014 09:20

oh great so now there is 'evidence' that my kids fare worse

sheesh

basgetti · 14/09/2014 09:28

Actually recent studies have shown that if you remove poverty from the equation, the children of single parents fare just as well as those of intact couples. Perhaps treating maintenance avoidance a bit more robustly would be more beneficial than denigrating and criticising the parent who has stuck around.

EatShitImTheRealTrinity · 14/09/2014 09:30

thats sounds like a good idea basgetti

Flipflops7 · 14/09/2014 09:36

YANBU to think or feel it. It's perfectly possible to have a loved friend whom you support emotionally while inwardly lamenting their life choices. It wouldn't surprise me if everyone on MN has or has had a friend like that at one time or another.

Flipflops7 · 14/09/2014 09:51

(In this instance the useless man is the bad choice, and her expecting anything of him, not the fact of her being a single parent, FAOD).

Nomama · 14/09/2014 15:05

Absolutely, flipflops.

And OP is simply using an anonymous forum to have a bit of a vent. It is possible that she can't do that in real life for fear of the friend hearing it and being upset.

Much better to get it off your chest anonymously and be able to continue supporting the friend. Had I had Mumsnet all those years ago, I too may have been able to continue supporting the woman I referred to. As it was once listening to her became unbearable I had no one to talk to who didn't also know her. I had nowhere to offload. So I dropped her as a friend. Not something I am particularly proud of, but, as I said earlier, talking to her wasn't the problem, listening to her became interminable!