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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not feel sympathetic my friend is a single parent?

130 replies

TippingtheScales · 13/09/2014 15:42

The father of her child is a poor excuse of a human being.

They were never officially a couple and he would use her for sex when his girlfriend and mother of his 2 children threw him out (never ending cycle)

She looked through his phone and found out he was also father to another child. He's forced one partner to have an abortion.

My friend got pregnant on purpose and it seems like she did it so she would have a tie to him.

He's not interested in the slightest.

I love my friend and I support her as much as I can but when she moans about how he's not interested and he's a bad father I just have no sympathy because she knew exactly what he was like long before she got pregnant.

Aibu?

OP posts:
outer · 13/09/2014 16:43

I'll remember not to have sympathy for my friend who's husband left her a few months ago with three kids then. Evidently she doesn't want or need it. That's fine.

Maryz · 13/09/2014 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/09/2014 16:50

I think the title of this thread is wrong. Reading the OP, what I think Tipping is actually saying is, "AIBU to think that, if you get pregnant on purpose to someone who you know is a piss-poor excuse of a father, who has three other children with two other women, and has forced a third to have an abortion, you should have known what you were getting into, and don't get to complain about it all the time?"

Bulbasaur · 13/09/2014 16:50

This is not about all single parents. Get over yourself.

Except it is.

Single parents are single because for some reason or another their relationship didn't work out. Looking at any break up in hindsight you can see all the warning signs it wasn't going well in the first place.

It takes two to make a relationship work, and blaming a woman for getting pregnant "on purpose" makes you a shitty friend.

Stop hanging around her, she needs and deserves real friends.

DaughterDilemma · 13/09/2014 16:50

It depends on the relationship you have with her and her child. I don't understand, is she a vulnerable adult or does she need your help or protection? Are you concerned about the child - do you have a strong bond? Sometimes when people moan about the father etc it is just a way to get others to support them.

I think what I am asking is why are you involved with someone who has such a different life view to yours.

OfaFrenchMind · 13/09/2014 16:55

Stop hanging around her, she needs and deserves real friends. So a "real friend" should just acquiece to everything she does and not have a single opinion about it? You are mistaking a friend with a pet, or a well-meaning robot.

cleethorpesperson · 13/09/2014 16:58

Actually, you know, fuck it, I agree with the OP. It's like those women that get beaten up by their husbands - once they know it's happened once, they stay with them and then have the gall to moan about their injuries, or the fact that their kids saw daddy break mummy's nose. No sympathy at all for them. It's kind of like those Jews in Germany in the build-up to WWII - the warning signs were there, but they chose to ignore them and get the hell over to America or somewhere.

I don't, of course, put the blame on abusive husbands - it's the women's fault. Likewise, you can hardly hold the Nazis solely responsible for what happened. In fact, whenever anyone does something evil/bad/reprehensible/arsehole-ish, I think it's a jolly good idea to blame the person on the receiving end of their behaviour - that'll learn them for trying to think for themselves, eh?

PS I am perfect.

TinyDancingHoofer · 13/09/2014 16:58

Yanbu
I have countless friends who seem to have picked the biggest loser in the world to procreate with and then they seem really shocked when he turns out to be a crap father. As if their baby would be any different to his other six.

Nomama · 13/09/2014 17:00

It takes two to make a relationship work, and blaming a woman for getting pregnant "on purpose" makes you a shitty friend.

Why? Why "on purpose"? That does happen. Women can and do make the most appallingly bad decisions.

OPs situation is fairly clear cut... others have added other dissimilar situations and now some are comparing apples and oranges and calling OP a bitch based on that mismatch.

DaughterDilemma · 13/09/2014 17:00

Looks like there is a lot of unfettered projection on this thread.

Nomama · 13/09/2014 17:01

I think you are onto something there, DaughterDilemma!

fedupbutfine · 13/09/2014 17:02

she is not saying anything against single parents, but rather against morons

before I respond to this - are you suggesting the ex is a moron or the friend is a moron?

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 13/09/2014 17:04

exexpat's wording is better - there is a degree to whichit is NU to be frustrated that a friend has walked into a situation with eyes wide open and then seemed surprised that the very obviously inevitable outcome occurred. Its not a single parent specific scenario - the mum of one of my DC's friends openly admits she can barely cope with her DC and calls in a lot of help and expects a lot of allowances made for her, but still decided to TTC another and is now pregnant and struggling. It is hard not to want to roll eyes and ask her what she was thinking, though somehow of course nobody does and she continues to expect help, sympathy and understanding etc...

fedupbutfine · 13/09/2014 17:09

I'll remember not to have sympathy for my friend who's husband left her a few months ago with three kids then. Evidently she doesn't want or need it. That's fine

Empathy, perhaps? It's very different to sympathy.

BasketzatDawn · 13/09/2014 17:11

For various reasons, I found parenthood much harder than expected. 'Friends' who were unsupportive weren't true friends and are no longer on my Christmas card list, should I ever have time/energy/oomph to send any ever again. Your friend needs some more supportive friends too, IMO.

Original poster
TippingtheScales · 13/09/2014 17:13

fedupbutfine sorry to tell you that, but she did not mean that at all, and you are letting your own experience change her meaning. This is not about you.

Exactly you are making this all about you when it's nothing to do with you. I agree with the poster that said I shouldn't have used "single parent" in the title.

She will sit there and moan and moan on fb about being a single parent.

I knew before you even posts that you were single parent we're because of how you worded your post to me. Stop projecting and stop making this about you.

OP posts:
morethanpotatoprints · 13/09/2014 17:13

You love and support her by judging her on a public forum Confused
Aren't you a bit Blush to call yourself her friend. I think she deserves better tbh.

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 13/09/2014 17:15

Cleathorpes the Nazi and DV analogies are emotive but inappropriate - Jewish people did not move to Germany in the time of the Nazis in full knowledge of what was going on in the holocaust, they were already there and the facts didn't become known for certain until it was too late to get out. Women don't generally marry or move in with men they already know are violent abusers (though it happens occasionally) more often it creeps up on them in a relationship they initially thought was good, possibly starting once they are already pregnant and perhaps dependant financially, making it harder to get out - neither of those scenarios are compatible to the OP's friend who's unpleasant ex-P had already shown his true colours before she got pregnant.

Nomama · 13/09/2014 17:17

Good god, cleethorpes. I missed that on first reading, to call a Godwin on this thread is, well, amazing. My hat is well and truly doffed to you!

SpringItOn · 13/09/2014 17:20

You could be talking about my cunt of a Bil, only he's managed to produce a few more offspring than your friends ex.

If he's anything like him, he'll have charmed her, fed her complete bullshit, left her holding the baby and moved on to impregnate the next unsuspecting poor sod.

Serendipity30 · 13/09/2014 17:26

Im a single parent and Im not offended. I see what the OP is I became pregnant by a complete loser who has never been in my childs life. However I KNEW he was a loser when I was in a relationship with him. I had to accept that I became pregnant by him. However the bright side is that I have an amazing DD. OP sounds like a supportive friend who is just venting here. Too manay pple here taking what she has posted personally.

Original poster
TippingtheScales · 13/09/2014 17:28

It takes two to make a relationship work, and blaming a woman for getting pregnant "on purpose" makes you a shitty friend.

She told me she got pregnant on purpose. I would not state it in my OP if I didn't know for sure.

I could go on about the disgusting things he's done.

He's been in prison for possession of a gun pretty recently.

OP posts:
MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 13/09/2014 17:33

Nomama thanks to you and google I have now discovered what "to call a Godwin" means... :o

Nomama · 13/09/2014 17:36

And aren't you proud that, even without knowing it had a name, you recognised it and challenged the stupidity of it Smile

cleethorpesperson · 13/09/2014 17:38

Ithangyou.