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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not feel sympathetic my friend is a single parent?

130 replies

TippingtheScales · 13/09/2014 15:42

The father of her child is a poor excuse of a human being.

They were never officially a couple and he would use her for sex when his girlfriend and mother of his 2 children threw him out (never ending cycle)

She looked through his phone and found out he was also father to another child. He's forced one partner to have an abortion.

My friend got pregnant on purpose and it seems like she did it so she would have a tie to him.

He's not interested in the slightest.

I love my friend and I support her as much as I can but when she moans about how he's not interested and he's a bad father I just have no sympathy because she knew exactly what he was like long before she got pregnant.

Aibu?

OP posts:

MrTumblesBavarianFanbase · 13/09/2014 17:40

Nomama I get to learn something and be proud all one one thread, that hasn't happened in decades ages

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 13/09/2014 17:42

Yes, I think that people who decide to have children with useless feckless wankers, knowing full well that they're a useless feckless wankers are bloody stupid.

Nomama · 13/09/2014 17:43

And I make 2 strangers fleetingly happy....

Lally112 · 13/09/2014 17:46

Not unreasonable, I too have a friend like this in a similar sort of situation and sometimes in my head I think to myself "you fucking picked him!!!" but its her dd I feel sorry or because her mother has saddled her with this twat for a father and she didn't ask for that.

The little ones the reason really I put up with the moaning about how useless and absent the father is but I did have to point out back once that if he was useless and absent in the relationship then he was always going to be a useless and absent father.

feelingdizzy · 13/09/2014 17:46

I was married to a man I knew he was a loser ,had track record with his older kids and not being there for him. I refused to see it ,thought I could fix him. It's an old story .I had 2 kids in 2 years with him!
10 years on I have reared the kids myself he doesn't even live in the country anymore, so I think that's my lesson learned.

Carriemac · 13/09/2014 17:48

YANBU at all. I can't stand people moaning abou the consequences of their poor choices.
Eg I'm fat . I don't moan about it to anyone, because I could lose it if I ate less.

DontDrinkAndFacebook · 13/09/2014 17:48

YANBU.

I hear what fedup says and I still say YANBU.

Writerwannabe83 · 13/09/2014 18:02

YANBU.

She knew what type of man and father he was and she purposefully got pregnant anyway.

She was naive to think he would be any different with this child.

DejaVuAllOverAgain · 13/09/2014 18:06

My sympathy is reserved solely for the child.

whatever5 · 13/09/2014 18:06

Yanbu. I would get fed up with someone constantly moaning about the situation they are in if the situation was foreseeable and could easily have been avoided.

LadyLuck10 · 13/09/2014 18:08

Yanbu she knew exactly what she was getting in to so can't expect people to feel sorry for her. Too many apologists around, in the mean time it's kids who have to bear the bad end of it.

DaughterDilemma · 13/09/2014 18:09

Interesting about Godwin's law. There should also be a LTB law,, determining the percentage of posters who say LTB related to the likelihood of it happening in RL. Also a Bunfight law, with an equation to determine when the bunfight is official as opposed to a mere discussion.

holdyourown · 13/09/2014 18:52

thread title is quite provocative imo, as some MNers mightn't read the thread and many single parents feel they live with the stigma as it is.
YAN necessarily BU wrt your friend, although it doesn't sound as if you actually like her that much, in which case don't be her friend

revealall · 13/09/2014 19:07

But friend is not moaning about her parenting experience.
Friend is moaning about the father of her child.
Op YANBU.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/09/2014 21:01

OP's friend chose a two-timing bastard, with three other children by two women, one of whom he cheats on with OP's friend, and who has forced another woman to have an abortion, as the father for her child.

OP's friend is whining about said bastard being a bastard towards her and her child.

OP is on this thread basically going face-palm - and wondering why she should sympathise with her friend for having a boyfriend and (sorry) baby-daddy who is a bastard and a waste of space as a father.

I can't say I would be listening sympathetically to the OP's friend, in these circumstances.

WanderingTrolley1 · 13/09/2014 21:08

Yabu.

I'm sure you're Mrs Perfect who's never fallen for the wrong guy or made a mistake!

Viviennemary · 13/09/2014 21:12

Nobody but nobody wants to hear the equivalent of 'you made your bed so lie in it.' So even if you think it there is absolutely no point in saying it. She probably knows it anyway. So just be supportive and don't bother telling her what she already knows.

Nomama · 13/09/2014 21:27

It's not the telling.... it's the having to listen...

CerealMom · 13/09/2014 21:27

Bit of a premature Goodwin there Nomama.

Pages and pages to go yet ;-)

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 13/09/2014 21:57

It's not your place to condemn or condone. Also what's wrong with being a single parent. You might be one yourself one day. Another one blaming mum, yet where's your critic for the so called man who didn't want to know. She didn't get pregnant on her own you know

Nomama · 13/09/2014 21:59

You may have missed the point the OP was actually making!

Original poster

TippingtheScales · 13/09/2014 22:26

Did I say there was anything wrong with being a single parent? No.
Does she complain about being a single parent? Yes.

Blaming her? No. She told me herself she got pregnant on purpose.

I could write pages upon pages on what a terrible wank stain on society he is but why bother?

You clearly have not read what I've said.

OP posts:

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/09/2014 22:28

I don't think the OP is criticising her friend for being a single mum, or for making a bad decision in having a baby with this prince of a man.

But her friend is like a person who has been warned over and over again that something is scalding hot, who knows that if they touch it, it will cause them pain and lasting hurt, but has decided they want it anyway, so has grabbed it - and is now surprised that it did hurt them, and wants people to listen and sympathise whilst they complain about how much it hurts.

In that circumstance, we can be sympathetic for a while, and will offer help - but there is an element of irritation at a grown adult who made a series of really bad choices, and doesn't seem to comprehend that they have any personal responsibility for the pain their choices have caused them.

CrapBag · 13/09/2014 23:02

YANBU. I am always amazed at responses where a friend is never allowed to make a judgement on someone making shitty choices.

She made her bed, now she has to lie in it. You would not be unreasonable to point out to her that SHE purposely got pregnant to this waste of space and she can hardly be surprised at his lack of interest. Did she even want a baby or was it all about trapping him?

pinkrose1 · 13/09/2014 23:16

Not sure why there is an issue with talking about a friend on a public forum? She's not named!

It's anonymous provided there aren't specifics.
I would suggest OP you point out as kindly as possible how irritating it is listening to her moan about the father when she knew what he was like.

Feel sorry for the poor child in all this

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