To be very concerned that DD2 is now telling lies about me to her form Tutor.

[smokepole]

I know it seems like every week, that DD2 is up to something than she apologizes and says sorry. However, I am very angry with her now , I got a phone call from DDs form tutor telling me that she seen DD2 and friend Julie working round the town 'drinking' beer from a can with some 'undesirable' non 'grammar school' boys (expect to get flamed for that) on Friday night. They were both supposed to have been in the Cinema . The form teacher approached them and asked them what was in the can ( butter would not melt in the mouth) DD said the can was empty and 'would not ever drink alcohol' 'Lovely to see you miss ' . The form tutor was having nothing of it so pulled them both Monday morning , Julie admitted to drinking beer, DD still denied she had drunk any Alcohol. DD then burst in to tears saying I am throwing her out after she has done her GCSEs because I am moving to Cheshire and that she is not allowed to come. DD asked her form teacher ' can I stay with you miss for sixth form'.

I told DD about two weeks ago that we were moving to Trafford in July after her GCSEs and DS school year ends, she fluctuates from being ok to swearing and slamming bedroom doors. The main reason I am going is for DD2 and DS , to give them a better chance, there really is nothing for them on the Kent coast. The thing is I keep 'grounding ' her and taking 10% of her allowance of her , she then returns to being the loving caring daughter I know she is.

The form tutor has given DD and Julie a detention, Julie for drinking, DD one for lying. DDs form teacher is very concerned about DDS behaviour and why she is acting like a year 7 ( incidentally she was so focused in year 7 overcoming her difficulties) she never behaved anything like this. This is the reason why her form tutor is very 'fond' of her. The form tutor told DD that year 11 is 'not the right time' for this behaviour.

This isn't the Mad Granny with the obsession finding a bus pal for her DGD is it?

I am not obsessed with money and status

Breathtaking lack of self awareness going on here I think.

You are making yourself quite identifiable. I am very near you and now realise the schools you are talking about.

Wannabestressfree. Are you near Folkestone or Dover?

Which Schools are my DC currently at ?

As a matter of fact it is pretty obvious , I have actually mentioned which schools I am looking at sending DD and DS to. I have even stated which school I went to in Kent.

Stratter. The mad granny thread was not 'real' and mentioned or slandered people who probably had no idea about the posting. I have not called anyone personally nor have I been rude or offensive to anyone unlike some of the posts directed towards me.

Yes, I know that, as for not being unpleasant, a fair few of your stated views on here make for pretty unpleasant reading.

ILovesooty. Have you only read the posts from me that correspond with what your personal view's of me are as a person. You have only commented in a negative way on this thread ,like a lot of posters here taking a very skewed and one sided positon on what you perceive me to be as a person.

Philoslothy. Why is wanting your children to go to the best possible schools and doing the best for them, by using the means available to you seen as being obsessed with money and status.

The poster who has given considered advice and can relate to where I am coming from is Garlic who has worked in the same industry. It is an industry where you have to be forthright, one minded and a total refusal to backtrack from your decision , otherwise you will be eaten alive. It is for this reason that I think I have been harshly stigmatised for posting in a unconventional way, but deep down I only want what everyone on this site wants. I want the best for my children and am prepared to do/be whatever that involves or takes to get.

Cheers for the namecheck
This is what some posters aren't seeing, perhaps:
"years that drained your self worth as a person and never being able to get to sleep for fear of something drastically going wrong. Continual looking over your shoulder ... it creates a fear of anything different or done not the way you would do it. This along with self -esteem issues makes it extremely difficult ..."

We do we can. And while doing that, we learn. Right?

Looking at that again, I can see how your brother seems to be offering 'safety' - financial & emotional security for you and your family - that must have felt precarious through most of your life. I really hope it turns out this way for you all. You're embarking on some big personal changes and your kids are of an age when changes are inevitable, if not always welcome. If DB comes through with the secure base for you all, ponies and cars won't actually be needed (though I'm sure would be welcome!) It's understandable that you - and, in particular, the kids - feel a bit threatened by the upheavals. I'm wishing you all a much calmer, steadier and enlightening phase after you've moved.

Thank you Garlic. You have again aptly described , how some people might perceive that you have a great, materialistic lifestyle and you have no worries or concerns. The opposite of that is often the real truth, deep down all you really want is security like everybody else. The over anxious and 'grabby' approach I have been accused of is probably a symptom of being worried that unless I take the opportunities when available , they will not be there again.

Then why aren't you or your ex husband providing this security you so crave? You are expecting your brother to do it and castigating your sister for not stepping up.
When you move what happens to the ex's rent free crash pad in whitstable? Rather surplus to requirements if you are up north.

We (Mum ,Dad and me) will have to think about that. We certainly are not going to throw him out, Mum and Dad are fond of him and I feel he needs help like I do.
EX requires financial as well as emotional help ( no he is not a drinker, nor is he a drug user) I want to support him as others are supporting me , why is it frowned upon by posters that some people are not fortunate enough to be able to support them-selves either financially or emotionally but be lucky that they don't need to call on the state for that help.

Is your ex unable to hold down employment and be self sufficient?

But if you are still supporting him financially wouldn't that money be better spent supporting yourself and your children thus not needing your brothers help to such an extent?
You- support him.
Your brother- supports you because you are supporting your ex husband.
Your ex husband- not supporting his children and living in your parents house.
It's not about the state.

He earns about £ 200 per week. How can I ask for child support, the only thing I ask and expect of him is to be a caring loving and a nice person.

Deep down, despite how I have been painted I am actually quite a caring person who wants to share .

Even if he doesn't provide financially - which is doable on his wage as he pays no mortgage or rent you shouldn't be subsidising him further.
Especially as you are expecting your brother to help.
What does this loving, kind man think of his children being moved hours away if he plays a role in their lives?

first of all it does not matter that the money starts at A and ends up at C.
When DD1 was living with him, mum and dad gave him £200 per week and paid for a lease car for him so he could take DD1 where ever she needed/wanted to go, he does not have a car any -more so we are gradually reducing the financial support to him. Remember that during the "good times" when business was good he had a Mercedes , so his life has suffered a downward trajectory leading to severe anxiety that he is not able to support his children financially.

He agrees that moving North is better for the children and agrees that the family dynamic of their cousins is more beneficial to them, due to his constant battle with depression. There is always a car available for him to borrow and there will be a room to stay at either mine or brothers house all the time. Ex said he intends to visit on a regular basis with Mum and Dad in tow.

He lost his Mercedes?
That puts everything in perspective. Sorry.

No it does not put things in to perspective. But it started a downward spiral that he is finding very difficult to come out of.

When DD1 was living with him, mum and dad gave him £200 per week and paid for a lease car for him so he could take DD1 where ever she needed/wanted to go

We (Mum ,Dad and me) will have to think about that. We certainly are not going to throw him out, Mum and Dad are fond of him and I feel he needs help like I do.

EX requires financial as well as emotional help…………..Remember that during the "good times" when business was good he had a Mercedes…….I want to support him as others are supporting me.

I don't usually say this on Mumsnet because it's a bit of a PA cliche, but

Wow. Just Wow.

How have you even ended up divorced from this man? You sound made for one another.

I have a sneaky feeling that your parents (and almost certainly your brother) are guilt-tripped relentlessly by you, and do not actually want to keep supporting you like this, but that you are the 'troubled' high-maintenance one with all the problems, who they fear will go completely emotionally and mentally haywire if left to fend for yourself, so they continue to prop you up out of a sense of fear and guilt and duty, nad in the vain hope that one day you'll sort yourself out.

Whereas your sister clearly thinks that the best lesson you could be taught is to be made to stand on your own two feet and take responsibility for your own choices. And I am with her, I think.

^^^ this with bells on

So you and your ex are basically living the life of Riley on your brother and parent's money?

What kind of example is that for your children? Don't worry kids, we can always leech off the rest of the family ... Maybe your daughter doesn't want to be the permenantly poor relation.

Your sister has the right idea.

Yes I think Don'tDrink might well have a point.

First of all I am not living the "life of Riley" whatever that is?

I was discussing these very points with my Mum regarding support and how you support people you love and care for ( including my EX who I do care for) when they need it and you can.

My sister is a very selfish person, she always has been aloof from the rest of the family since 16 years of age. Regarding the school fees for DD1 if the roles had been reversed with her daughter and I had the money like I had 15 years ago (everything changes). I would have been the first one to have put my hands in my pocket, paid the fees unconditionally. Sister conveniently forgets who paid for tutoring Niece no1 for her 11+ the reason I paid because I was able to at the time (far more than tutoring than I was able to pay for my own kids). It is not about that though , it is about enabling people you care for to have the best possible life (about sharing with them because you are able to do so). It is not about one- upmanship or forcing people to stand on their own two feet, when they are not able to do so, due
to circumstances out of their control or unchangeable for them.

The comments from Dont. are completely inaccurate as to what my parents/brothers feelings are to helping my family (including my Ex who is still part of "MY family"). Mum, Dad and Brother constantly tell me how they wish they could do more for me , the reverse of that is that I wish i could do everything for my siblings.

Clearly successful families from "Working Class Roots" have a different take on helping their offspring succeed . It is the complete opposite to the majority of posters on here, who think your DC should not be protected from "ARSEHOLE'S" if they like them. There is view on here that the role of parenting stops for some at 18, the majority think 21, this is at complete odds to what my family and I believe.

Noun[edit]

life of Riley (uncountable)
1.(idiomatic, dated) An ideal life of carefree prosperity and luxurious contentment.

Hth.

You keep harking back to when you had money, but if that was 15 years ago, I don't think you had it for very long by the sounds of things, and your youngest two children have never been used to having it, by the sounds of things.

I really think you really need to get over the fact that you (or at least your parents) once had a bit of cash to splash and now don't - clinging onto that distant memory is causing you to exist in cloud cuckoo land by the sounds of things, and is still making you sound spoilt and entitled now. Those days were short lived and now they are gone - they went a long time ago. Time to start living in the real world, with normal/realistic expectations.

How have you accumulated so much equity in your house? It sounds as though you haven't worked for a long time, or haven't done anything with any significant salary. Who has been paying the mortgage? Why are you bothering to do this OU degree in something interesting (but not terribly useful in the workplace as far as becoming financially self-sufficient goes) yet you say you can't cope with the rigours of a minimum wage job in a supermarket? Just what are you aiming for exactly?

And quite honestly, I just find the fact that you paid for your sister's child to be tutored just plain weird. You are all creepily over-invested and intertwined in one another's personal and financial lives in a way that is starting to give me the willies. It sounds like some sort of cult. I am running out of ways to express just how strange your whole family sounds.