To be very concerned that DD2 is now telling lies about me to her form Tutor.

[smokepole]

I know it seems like every week, that DD2 is up to something than she apologizes and says sorry. However, I am very angry with her now , I got a phone call from DDs form tutor telling me that she seen DD2 and friend Julie working round the town 'drinking' beer from a can with some 'undesirable' non 'grammar school' boys (expect to get flamed for that) on Friday night. They were both supposed to have been in the Cinema . The form teacher approached them and asked them what was in the can ( butter would not melt in the mouth) DD said the can was empty and 'would not ever drink alcohol' 'Lovely to see you miss ' . The form tutor was having nothing of it so pulled them both Monday morning , Julie admitted to drinking beer, DD still denied she had drunk any Alcohol. DD then burst in to tears saying I am throwing her out after she has done her GCSEs because I am moving to Cheshire and that she is not allowed to come. DD asked her form teacher ' can I stay with you miss for sixth form'.

I told DD about two weeks ago that we were moving to Trafford in July after her GCSEs and DS school year ends, she fluctuates from being ok to swearing and slamming bedroom doors. The main reason I am going is for DD2 and DS , to give them a better chance, there really is nothing for them on the Kent coast. The thing is I keep 'grounding ' her and taking 10% of her allowance of her , she then returns to being the loving caring daughter I know she is.

The form tutor has given DD and Julie a detention, Julie for drinking, DD one for lying. DDs form teacher is very concerned about DDS behaviour and why she is acting like a year 7 ( incidentally she was so focused in year 7 overcoming her difficulties) she never behaved anything like this. This is the reason why her form tutor is very 'fond' of her. The form tutor told DD that year 11 is 'not the right time' for this behaviour.

I don't think smokepole is learning disabled / autistic or anything else. Just a rather dim individual who isn't as clever as she thinks she is. I like clever bridge-dwellers, not silly kiddies. And seriously, who thinks anything 'oop north' could ever be posh? I'm sure all the car/drug dealers have plenty of money but rich and posh are two utterly different things!

It's entitled in my view to expect any member of your family, parent, grandparent or sibling to put their hand in their pocket to cover the cost of providing education for your child.
Whether they can be paid back in the longer term is irrelevant.
I think it was your responsibility to look after your child's needs and you were unreasonable to criticise your sister for not bailing you out.
Why is personal responsibility a difficult concept for you to understand?

She was not obliged to give you such a large loan, there are lots of good reasons why she is justified in politely refusing and you have been completely selfish and unfair to hold that against her.

I still think that Smoke is thinking that living in The Knutsford countryside in a large detached house with room for a pony and a lot of money is the same as living in a semi in Timperley with neighbours breathing down your neck and no money. Why else would she put any store in what her brother thinks of this thread.

I do get the feeling that either Smoke is either trolling or if this is real then she has some serious issues with taking on board what others say to her.

When everyone who had lived in the area she is planning to move to told her it was not as great as she thinks she tells them they know nothing and are just believing a northern stereotype without having visited the area.

Smoke also you go on about the surrounding areas N.Yorkshire 1 1/2 hours away, Lake district, another 1 1/2 hours away etc Yet do not seem to take on board that the Sussex downs, Brighton and London are closer but as you don't seem to visit theses places what makes you think you are going to spend anytime visiting the Lakes or The Yorkshire Dales?

Another thing Smoke mentions is about the job market up in Manchester. Then goes on to say that there are plenty of jobs in Newcastle Liverpool etc. Places again miles away from Timperley.
I have not done any research but I think she might find that if you are travelling that distant then the London job market is closer and has better transport links and more jobs than Newcastle and Liverpool put together.

"She would have been lending money, that was safe and would have been paid back"

Then a bank would have lent it.

That's why you only lend money to family that you are willing to give away. If they're good for the loan, they can get it from a bank. If they can't or won't get it from a bank, it's because either they aren't going to repay it, or they want it interest free. There's no such thing as a loan to family; there's a gift, with a vague chance of getting it back if you're incredibly lucky.

I think we should leave this now. The OP is obviously troubled in some way and I don,t think we're doing her any good engaging with her. Might it be a good idea just to let this thread fade away?

The OP bumps it if it drops. She'll start another thread before too long anyway in which she'll yet again fail to take on board any opinions that conflict with her own

Also having read the who;e thread I can see the dynamics of this family.

There is a brother and sister who have made a reasonable living for themselves and Smoke who has not.

The brother has only just been able to afford to do these generous things given the recession. I presume Smoke and her brother asked their sister to fund school fees of DD1 in 2007/8 about the start of the recession. Given the sisters job, anyone with any sort of financial acumen could see what was about to happen (except Gordon Brown). So I am not surprised that your sister did not give you any money. This certainty that your sister would have been repaid within 2 years was hopeful at the least given we are only just now coming out of the recession properly.

I actually think Smoke that the issue is that your brother likes the idea of being Lord Bountiful and he cannot do this with his other sister because she is successful in her own right and doesn't need him.

I wonder that the sister didn't suspect that the "school fees" were going to prop up your brothers company. Why asks for £20000 up front, why not ask for her to pay the school fees direct to the school on a termly basis for 2 years?

She sounds grabby and entitled and I think she likes to lay guilt trips onto her siblings about how hard she has it, in the hope they'll bail her out or throw their cash her way, rather than take responsibility for herself.

Or it's all a fairytale.

A Fairytale...and Manchester is somewhere over the rainbow.

First of all I am safety back in Kent.

Barefoot. The reason I mentioned my probable Autism is because barely a thread goes by, without some poster calling my writing, spelling ,punctuation
or grammar. I therefore have a right to reply to that. I actually am quite pleased nobody else joined questioning whether I had learning disabilities.

You are all entitled to your opinions, however I would like to know what posh means. I have never wanted to be whatever posh is, I just want a decent life for my family. Perhaps I am a needy person who needs financial as well as emotional support ( you are all so lucky that none of you need any support with your lives.)

Coming to the question of loans and finance. Mandy you are quite right in your time frame ,it was 2007/2008 when the financial crash happened, mum and dad had assets that could not be sold , to raise much needed money they had to 'hock' their cars as the bank refused an increase their overdraft limit just to pay bills and living expenses this despite having 15 times cover in assets. My sister knew that her money was safe and would be paid back in a short time, we even asked if she could pay the school fees in either a monthly or on a term by term basis . Leaving aside whether Sister was morally required or I was responsible for my kids ( I had no money) she had the means to help. I would despite the pun give my last Kidney to help my Mum, Dad ,Sister, Brother clearly that would not be the action or the view of the majority of posters on this thread.

I feel I had to reply because some unpleasant things have been written about me , the majority untrue . The comment about my brother being a 'perv' was particular nasty .

Before anyone picks me giving my last kidney involves Kids, Nieces and nephews.

Helping your siblings out with basic living costs when they're in a tight spot is one thing, I don't think anybody would object to that.

Expecting private education (and the rest) to be funded from your siblings pockets when there is adequate state education provided (your dd1 has done ok despite the lack of grammar education) - grabby.

I'm only dipping into this thread now, but really ... "seriously, who thinks anything 'oop north' could ever be posh?"

That is by far the most snobbish, ill-informed and pointless statement so far.

I'd ask what Barefoot understands by 'posh', but don't want to get further embroiled

I thought that was a bit off too Garlic and very misinformed, although some people do have varying opinions on what constitutes 'posh' so I thought I'd let it go. Not nice though. And I say that as a southerner.

smoke I don't think I've ever come across someone so knowledgeable on the detailed ins and outs of their wider family's finances. It is most odd.

You talk about their financial statuses as though you are discussing your spouse, not a parent or a sibling. How/why on earth do you come by so much personal and detailed information? You seem to have an issue with boundaries and privacy. Do any of your BILs or SILs not tell you to fuck off and mind your own business, and to get your beady eye off their bank statements and your nose out of their trough?

Quite one of the most bizarre threads I've seen a long time.

What I am saying is that your insistence that your sister would have been repaid in 2 years was hopeful to say the least. as you have pointed out your brother can only now afford to put your ds through private education some 7 years later. in 2009/2010 the country was still in recession and none of you would have been able to repay your sister.

I am also concerned that what your brother has said he is going to pay for, is actually going to cost him nothing. If he puts £30,000 deposit on a house for your dd to live in then I would suspect he will be collecting rent on the other rooms in the house. Then after however number of years he will sell it, probably doubling his initial deposit and then giving your dd a £30 000 car and a pony which are known as depreciating liabilities. The car which will be worth about £20000 the moment she drives it out of the garage, which will need insuring, taxing, petrol to be put in it and all the other costs associated with owning a car and a pony that will need insuring, feeding and vets bill. All stuff to keep your family beholden to him.

Oh and bad grammar is not a sign of Autism

I wouldn't move back to manc, it rains so much. Miserable!

Oh and bad grammar is not a sign of Autism

Phew, so glad someone else pointed that out so I didn't have to.

Most people are not lucky not to need the support of their families Most peoplee don't sneer at their siblings for refusing to cough up for luxuries. Private education isn't some kind of basic right. Most people don't expect to stick their noses in the trough and get handouts from family members all their lives.

Dont Drink. It would be reasonable that I understood my parents finances as I ran their business for the best part of 15 years. My brother from being 21 years old has always used me as a sounding out board. The reason that I need financial help from family members, was because I did not get much gratification for my work due to the difficult circumstances in which the business was sold.

Anyone should also know that if you have no C.V due to working in a niche family business from 16 ,getting reasonable employment is nigh on impossible. You are up shit creek when the business is sold, you are less employable than a 17 year old school leaver, you require a friend to take 'pity' on you for employment.

Mandy. My sister would not have had to wait even two years for the loan to be repaid . My Mum/Dad and Brother were in a position in less than a year to have repaid her back . DD1 got a chance to get in to the grammar in year 9 she refused to take a test brother was going to pay for private if she failed the '13+'. DD1 was very happy at her school and was not interested in leaving . I have on this post and others stated what a outstanding job her school did to enable achievement of her goals.

The only thing I have been guilty of ,is being to- open on a anonymous site.
It is also news to me that many people who suffer from Dyspraxia, don't struggle with Sentence construction or spelling . This has been pointed out to me by the Open University who are giving me specialist software to help my grammar, spelling and sentence construction.

So you were giving your brother financial advice when you were 15?

And why are you un-employable after running the family business for 15 years? Running a pub is hardly "niche". I'm sure there are plenty of oubs that you could take over and run. You must have plenty of transferable skills to offer.

You do still sound very entitled. You don't ever talk about you re-paying the loan for your DD's education, it's always your parents or your brother. Are you ever intending to fund any of your children's "privileged" education and lifestyle or are you happy to live off hand-outs from your family indefinitely?What message do you think that sends to your children? Why are you doing an OU degree? What practical purpose is it serving? Why aren't you looking for employment?

You have all these aspirations for your children, which is absolutely normal, who doesn't? But you seem happy for everyone else to pay for it.

Smokepole

www.hive.co.uk/book/eats-shoots-and-leaves/5696698/

100% effective, in my experience, for people with poor understanding of grammar and punctuation. With and without autism.

good point Rollergirl. Meant to say me from 21 ,brother would have been 26.
Although he did listen to me when I was 15. HA HA.

Rollergirl. When the business was sold I sent out over 100 CV.S to Catering, Entertainment Venue's , Bingo Halls, Whetherspoons Bowling Alley's all kind of relevant to a business that included a couple of pubs , Amusement Arcades , Pier Cafe. I got two interviews from over 100 job applications not one single offer, they either want people who have come though big companies for any management job or the cheapest staff for every other job students, foreign workers, they prefer them under 21 because it saves over £1 per hour that's £40 per person per week.

As for running and owning a pub or two, every week 7-10 pubs close in the United Kingdom it is virtually impossible to run a successful public house. The only thing running a pub will make is a Broke Drunk in Asylum. The only successful pubs are Gastro pubs, they require a good location , great footfall of aspirational and ABC social demographic groups. The problem is they also need an investment of upwards of £250- 500K before you can even think how you can get your food and service right.

The Open University is something I have always wanted to do Social Sciences, Politics, Sociology . It fascinates me , whether I achieve a degree or not I don't know. I will enjoy learning though, perhaps some of my views will modify after learning about people in desperate need in the United Kingdom.

It is also news to me that many people who suffer from Dyspraxia, don't struggle with Sentence construction or spelling

But you said you were autistic.

Df 42 just got a job in Aldi and she has never worked a day in her life, she was a carer for her mum. Just because you have only worked in arcades doesn't mean to say you can only work in arcades. And her salary is quite reasonable, definitely not minimum wage.