FiL wants to install CCTV in my house

[Finsa]

Long time lurker. Just joined mumsnet to post this.

There is a huge backstory here of interference in our lives which I won't bore you with, but suffice it to say I truly believe the only reason DH and I are still together is because we moved away from PiL.

My 1 year old DS had an accident a few weeks ago. I usually keep the bathroom door closed, but this particular time DS had been having a bath. I had just taken him out of the bath and put a fresh nappy on. DH had returned home from work while DS was in the bath so once DS had his clothes on, we went into the bedroom to say hi to DH.

I put DS on the floor, whereupon he walked quite quickly (he was an early walker) to the bathroom door and shut the door onto his little finger (he likes things that swing back and forth) I saw it happen as I was about a metre away and lunged for it, but I was too late to catch it before it hit his little finger and amputated a small part of the fingertip. Obviously we were all traumatized and raced off to A&E where he was x-rayed, bandaged up and then had some minor surgery a couple of days later. His finger is almost completely healed now.

I completely accept that this was my fault for leaving the bathroom door open and unsecured, but it was an accident. However my FiL (from and lives in a different culture and country to the one I was brought up in but the same one I was born in) is now insisting that DH install CCTV so that he can keep an eye on DS (and me) from work. He also interrogated DH on safety procedures and basically implied that I am not a fit parent.

DH treads very softly where his parents are concerned and will never say anything outright to them ( it's a cultural thing I think although I am not like this with my parents) but tried to diffuse the situation by mumbling something about there being no need for CCTV as I'm home and we can't afford it anyway.

AIBU for thinking that FiL has stepped over the line here? And if so what should I say or do about this?

I honestly am wondering about this. Does one accident a bad parent make?

He's a dick. Your DH needs to stand up to them.

I would be telling the FIL to rev up and head off! DH won't do it so you have to. He is being a cheeky git in any culture!

It wasn't your fault anyway. It was just one of those things. An accident.

Your problem isn't your FIL it's your DH. He needs to step up and tell FIL to butt out.

He's suggesting your DH should be keeping an eye on you remotely from work??

He's pole vaulted over the line with that one.

Don't let him undermine your/your DHs confidence to look after your DS, if your DH won't do it, tell him to fuck off yourself.

It's creepy.

WTF? He wants to install CCTV so he can spy on you? Tell him to do one. Totally unreasonable. My mum shut my hand in the door when I was a toddler and all my grandparents said was 'accidents happen'.

Ridiculous idea, just laugh it off!

What an awful accident! hope he is healing well.
Ask how is CCTV meant to stop an 'accident' from happening? would DH rush home from work and stop the bathroom door closing?
There's a big difference from being child safety and intruder safety.

On the other hand, count yourself lucky, DH's Uncle once advised I should get a gun for safety . He lives in America.

When my DD was 6 months old she rolled off the sofa and hit her head off the floor..my other daughter managed to pull an (empty and kinda metal) vase on top of her.
Shall i go on?

Accidents happen. To everyone.
I'd be fuming if he said i was an unfit parent!!
However..its your DH who needs to stand up for you.

Your FiL wants to put you under constant surveillance in your own home? Do you really need to ask whether that is reasonable? NO NO NO NO NO.

Children have accidents even with the most careful and observant of parents, who may be only an arms length away at all times. And what exactly could your FiL do to prevent an accident when he is on the other end of a CCTV link? This is entirely about control and personally I would be having nothing to do with someone who even suggested such a thing.

I read it as him wanting the OPs DH to install the CCTV and then spy on her from work Comito.

It could read both ways though.

YABU for even needing to ask!!!

Your FIL is so far out of order it almost takes ones breath away. However, I accept there may be difficulties if this is a cultural thing.

If it were at all possible I would want FIL the hell out of my life and never in my house and for my DH to grow a backbone and tell him to mind his own business. But obviously it might not be that easy.

I feel very sorry for you and I definitely don't think you sound like a bad parent!

Bollocks to that!

I shut my dc's finger in a door, which locked. Dc was trapped for several minutes. We ended up in A&E. Nobody suggested or implied in any way that I was an unfit parent!

Accidents happen. You learn from them and try to predict and prevent future accidents. You fit foam door wedges on your doors, not CVTV.

The correct answer to your FIL is, simply, "No."

Good grief! Leaving a bathroom door open is hardly neglect! Nor is allowing a toddler to be out of reach but in the same room.

Every parent makes small mistakes. Not all of the result in the need for surgery but we all occasionally do something by accident that hurts our DCs. I'd bet my bottom dollar that your FIL did similar things to his DCs.

Your only problem here is that your DH didn't tell him not to be so bloody insulting to his wife and to apologise immediately and unreservedly.

what the fucking fuck? Of course YANBU who the hell does this bloody interfering fool think he is? Your DH needs to tell him very bluntly that this is not going to happen and if it is ever brought up again he can sod right off.

btw it was an accident, no ones fault including yours, just one of those things. glad your DS is on the mend.

You are not a bad parent. Your FIL has overstepped the line.
My dd fell off the bed in a spectacular fashion and banged her head on the wall when she was 1. I also watched it happen from a very short distance away (about 2 feet!). It was an accident.
If my fil had told us to install CCTV so that he could keep an eye on her and me, I would have laughed in his face and then told him to sodding well sod off!
Who does your FIL think he is?

Zigzag - ah, I misread it as FIL wanting to monitor the cctv. Either way, definitely not on!

On re-reading the OP, it looks like it's the FiL's suggestion but the DH who he thinks should do the surveillance (though I suspect he might decide he also needed access if the DH was too busy at work to watch everything at home while he's at work). Still a big no, and still equally useless when it comes to preventing accidents.

Tell him to fuck off, what does he want, proof of his supposed claims of your unfitness as a parent.

Accidents happen, my old school friend amputated the top of her thumb on my front door once, it was accident, they happen.

This is totally ridiculous!

There is no way I would allow this.

I also agree with the posters who say this was an accident which could have happened to anyone.

He hasn't stepped over the line. He's taken a big run-up and triple-jumped over the line.

Wow. This is off the scale outrageous. I'm speechless!

Your poor DS. I hope he's ok, bless him! I never shut the doors so it's a case of luck that has never happened to my DD.

It's simply one of those things, regardless of culture, I'm afraid. FIL is clearly a dick, also regardless of culture!

Being an arse isn't cultural.

Two people are being unreasonable here and you aren't one of them.

You need to address the issues with both your FIL and your DH. If you don't, either your marriage won't last, or it will be so miserable that it shouldn't have lasted.

Your FIL should not be interfering, and he should not be making these outrageous and insulting suggestions. This isn't "cultural", it is being a controlling and misogynistic arsehole with no respect for his DIL.

Your DH should have told him to take a running jump. Your DH shouldn't care in these sorts of circs about offending him. If your DH cares because he is afraid or ground down, he should care about his new family enough to work through these emotions.