FiL wants to install CCTV in my house

[Finsa]

Long time lurker. Just joined mumsnet to post this.

There is a huge backstory here of interference in our lives which I won't bore you with, but suffice it to say I truly believe the only reason DH and I are still together is because we moved away from PiL.

My 1 year old DS had an accident a few weeks ago. I usually keep the bathroom door closed, but this particular time DS had been having a bath. I had just taken him out of the bath and put a fresh nappy on. DH had returned home from work while DS was in the bath so once DS had his clothes on, we went into the bedroom to say hi to DH.

I put DS on the floor, whereupon he walked quite quickly (he was an early walker) to the bathroom door and shut the door onto his little finger (he likes things that swing back and forth) I saw it happen as I was about a metre away and lunged for it, but I was too late to catch it before it hit his little finger and amputated a small part of the fingertip. Obviously we were all traumatized and raced off to A&E where he was x-rayed, bandaged up and then had some minor surgery a couple of days later. His finger is almost completely healed now.

I completely accept that this was my fault for leaving the bathroom door open and unsecured, but it was an accident. However my FiL (from and lives in a different culture and country to the one I was brought up in but the same one I was born in) is now insisting that DH install CCTV so that he can keep an eye on DS (and me) from work. He also interrogated DH on safety procedures and basically implied that I am not a fit parent.

DH treads very softly where his parents are concerned and will never say anything outright to them ( it's a cultural thing I think although I am not like this with my parents) but tried to diffuse the situation by mumbling something about there being no need for CCTV as I'm home and we can't afford it anyway.

AIBU for thinking that FiL has stepped over the line here? And if so what should I say or do about this?

I honestly am wondering about this. Does one accident a bad parent make?

FFS what a total twat your FIL is! I think your DH should stop being such a wimp and stand up to them along the lines that you are a perfectly fit mother and human being and putting up CCTV is fucking cracked. It sounds like your PIL want any excuse to run you down.

Seriously, this is not normal behaviour from your PIL. My DD lost her thumbnail on 9/11 (age 2) shut in the loo door because I was watching TV (and not supervising her properly). My PIL who are normally quite judgey just shrugged. Accidents happen.

You're not a bad parent. It wasn't your fault.

Your DH should be making it clear to his DF that in his home, there is no question of him checking up on you. He trusts you and knows that you take good care of your son.

After that, every input from FIL should be answered with 'thanks for your comment. We're handling it'.

Distance yourselves so that he isn't aware of the ins and outs of your family life. Your DH can still respect his DF and his culture but make a clear boundary over where his loyalties lie.

Does one accident a bad parent make?

Your DH was in the room too and is just as responsible as you for the fact that your DS trapped his finger in the door. Either of you could have closed the door. Neither did. Either of you could have made sure you kept him within arm's reach. Neither of you did.

It was a freak accident that happened when your DS was with both of his parents. It has nothing to do with your ability to care for him.

By saying that you can't afford CCTV, your DH was suggesting that it could otherwise be a good idea. He needs to rectify that mistake by telling his DF that he must never again call your parenting into question.

What a weird and controlling thing to suggest.

Toddlers have accidents and I think your Fil reaction is way ott.

Ask FIL what he expects your DH to be able to achieve by long distance viewing. Is he expecting him to ring you up to remind you that a door is open, or down tools and hurtle home to close the offending door himself? And if he thinks DH's employers will be chuffed that he's wasting work time glued to his CCTV link.
Yoy could take it a step further and demand that FIL shows you his certificates in Early Years Childcare and First Aid to prove he is capable of spending any time with his grandchild when they visit.
Or you could ignore the mad old goat and have a great life without his crackpot interferences.

By saying that you can't afford CCTV, your DH was suggesting that it could otherwise be a good idea. He needs to rectify that mistake by telling his DF that he must never again call your parenting into question.

YY. OP, please listen to Goldmandra here.

www.amazon.co.uk/Clippasafe-CL760-Door-Stopper/dp/B000F4KVWS

This would have been a more sensible suggestion.

Yanbu, at all, but culture is a strange parent in itself. If dh has difficulty objecting to his father, can you not ask your own parents to step in and veto the idea. They are of the same generation so their opinion might carry weight with your pil. Oh, and definitely not your 'fault' - just an accident caused by a fast mover!

Is there anyone here who hasn't shut their finger in a door at some point?

Would FIL be agreeable to CCTV in his own home so that you can keep an eye on him in his dotage? As clearly his marbles have slipped.

YANBU. And your DH needs to clarify why the CCTV is a no no other than not being able to afford it.

Your DH should really have fallen about laughing. Maybe showing your FIL that the idea is utterly ludicrous is the best way to put this one to bed.

Is he employed? I bet his employers would have something to say about him spending his entire work day spying on you.

I completely accept that this was my fault

It was no-ones fault.
Your DH was also at home, why isn't it his fault?

FIL is an arse and your DH is too unless he steps up NOW and supports you.

I hope your DS feels better soon, a terrible accident, but an accident nonetheless.

Trying to get the OPs parents involved moxon, says that the OP and her DH don't have the authority to tell him to get stuffed themselves, and that the FIL has a right to interfere in such an outrageous way.

Why does the OPs parents have more right than the OP to veto it?

What you should say or do is to tell your husband to tell his father than he is out of order and to apologise unreservedly to you.

There was no fault here. It was an accident. And as your DH was also in the room, he was equally capable of dealing with it.

I managed to trap my DS's finger in the door, like many others here. We rarely have doors closed in our house, excepting the external doors. They are always at least a little ajar. His finger was and is fine, and DP has never accused me of being a bad parent because he knows as well as I do that it was an accident.

I've managed to trap my own finger a few times, again accidents can happen to anyone.

Finsa,

Accidents happen and this was in no way your fault so stop further punishing yourself.

You moved away from PIL: now you both need to put mental distance between you and they as well. I sincerely hope you do not ever leave these people alone with your child. Your DS needs to be protected from such malign influences. If you and your DH find them too difficult if not impossible to deal with, its the same deal for your both vulnerable and defenceless child.

What FIL has proposed is quite possibly unlawful as well. Your FIL has gone way too far this time and he is a toxic influence on your lives. This is nothing whatsoever to do with culture; this is about power and control and wanting that over you and within your home.

Your DH is also a problem here. He is also spineless and has not been able to stand up to his parents through a lifetime of conditioning at their hands. His own fear, obligation and guilt with regards to them has paralysed him and he is simply hurting his own family unit now. His primary loyalty should now be to you and not them but he may well never be able to stand up for himself.

I would suggest you read Toxic Inlaws by Susan Forward if you have not already done so.

why do you tell your in laws stuff?
Tell them to fuck off

Thank you for all the replies. I do feel somewhat calmer now and think DH and I need to have a discussion about it.

AgentZigzag, you had it the right way around.

Exexpat, those we're my thoughts exactly!

TheHouseatWhoCorner, thanks for that phrase...I will be using it!

Goldmandra, I did bring that point up with my DH...he has said he'll talk to them.

PiperIsOrange, thank you for the link!

Icimoi- good idea!

Quite apart from anything else, surely the recent celeb nude selfies events (which may well involve a Cloud breach) have taught us that transmitting private images of ourselves over the Internet is never a great idea.

Accidents happen. If this happened when you were a meter away, how exactly does FIL think it could be could be prevented remotely from a CCTV image?

How is he going to make sure you are parenting correctly when out of the house ?

These things happen, Christ if you get to 16 without a trip to a and e for an accident you've done brilliant !

It wasn't your fault so please don't beat yourself up about it. Tell your DH to sort his parents out or at the next incident (with kids there will be many) YOU will tell them to bugger off. Ask your husband how many times has he hurt himself whilst growing up so you can remind your father-in-law. What an idiot.

I read it that fil was going to keep an eye on you..which is even more outrageous!

Yanbu. Massively over the line!