FiL wants to install CCTV in my house

[Finsa]

Long time lurker. Just joined mumsnet to post this.

There is a huge backstory here of interference in our lives which I won't bore you with, but suffice it to say I truly believe the only reason DH and I are still together is because we moved away from PiL.

My 1 year old DS had an accident a few weeks ago. I usually keep the bathroom door closed, but this particular time DS had been having a bath. I had just taken him out of the bath and put a fresh nappy on. DH had returned home from work while DS was in the bath so once DS had his clothes on, we went into the bedroom to say hi to DH.

I put DS on the floor, whereupon he walked quite quickly (he was an early walker) to the bathroom door and shut the door onto his little finger (he likes things that swing back and forth) I saw it happen as I was about a metre away and lunged for it, but I was too late to catch it before it hit his little finger and amputated a small part of the fingertip. Obviously we were all traumatized and raced off to A&E where he was x-rayed, bandaged up and then had some minor surgery a couple of days later. His finger is almost completely healed now.

I completely accept that this was my fault for leaving the bathroom door open and unsecured, but it was an accident. However my FiL (from and lives in a different culture and country to the one I was brought up in but the same one I was born in) is now insisting that DH install CCTV so that he can keep an eye on DS (and me) from work. He also interrogated DH on safety procedures and basically implied that I am not a fit parent.

DH treads very softly where his parents are concerned and will never say anything outright to them ( it's a cultural thing I think although I am not like this with my parents) but tried to diffuse the situation by mumbling something about there being no need for CCTV as I'm home and we can't afford it anyway.

AIBU for thinking that FiL has stepped over the line here? And if so what should I say or do about this?

I honestly am wondering about this. Does one accident a bad parent make?

You have that rare thing - a unanimous YANBU.

Your FIL's a nutter.

Your DH needs to man up.

my husband's older brother amputated the tip of his (dh) finger in a house full of people when they were children cctv would not have stopped this accidents happen

Dreamer, I was thinking the DH would randomly dip into it throughout the day so the OPs in a Big Brother mindset of feeling she was being monitored but never knowing when.

But who knows what goes on in the head of someone who would seriously put this forward as a great idea.

Ha ha, dirty bastard wants to watch you showering and changing.

No point me saying what everyone else has already said - I hope you are OK, OP, nothing worse than seeing your little one in pain and then having surgery and the last thing you want is anyone laying unjust blame.

It wasn't your fault, and your DH was there too....

Tell FIL to fuck right off and stay there.

The fact that your FIL actually thinks that level of spying is acceptable is worrying.

Yeah, your DH needs to stand up to him. There's no culture in which it is acceptable for a family member to be overbearing like that. Not even ones where the grandparents move in with the family.

I think Abbie has it spot on. FIL is putting doubt into your DH's mind about you, to undermine any authority you have as an equal partner and parent. The insistence on CCTV would do nothing to stop an accident - as others have said, having a door open is not neglect and you can buy door stops- but it reinforces to your DH that you cannot be trusted, that you have to be constantly watched over by somebody in authority (either DH or FIL).

The idea that you have to submit to being watched at all times is insane enough as it is (and CCTV in the bathroom- really?), but this plan is more insidious than that. Your FIL wants your DH to acede to his demands. And it's very worrying that your DH mumbled something about affording it, rather than laughing and asking whether FIL had totally taken leave of his senses to make such a ridiculous suggestion.

The accident is just one of those things and you shouldn't blame yourself.

Obviously your DH could not watch you from work and even if he could, this wouldn't prevent an accident. Therefore your FIL was not thinking at all of your DS's safety when he suggested CCTV is installed in your house. He is just being extremely controlling and manipulative which is very worrying.

YANBU, I'd be refusing to speak to FIL until he apologised for such an intrusive and insulting suggestion. As the CCTV would be in the bathroom I'd be telling him he's an old perv.
I wouldn't want my husband to discuss any further accidents anyone in the family has with his parents as they are clearly bonkers.

What an arse. If DH isn't man enough I would be telling him to f off myself.

I managed to shut my thumb in a car door a couple of years ago. We don't do these sort of things of purpose.

Imagine him spying on you all day. Eugh!

Tell Dh that if he even contemplates putting CCTV up then you and ds are leaving, and this accident happened when in care of both parents and was just that - an accident - children shut doors - accidents happen and are rarely due to true negligence.

Oh gosh, the list of accidents my dd had already had before she was a year old while in my care, fortunately she had a thick skull and a lot of luck on her side.

Please, OP, whatever you do, NEVER, NEVER, move back closer to your PIL, especially as your DH doesn't have the sense to put a limit on his father's madness.

I think only high security prisoners are subjected to that kind of surveillance.

Dreamer this is her home not her workplace - most workplaces are not allowed CCTV monitoring of private places let alone IN YOUR OWN HOME.

I saw this thread when it first started but have been busy. OP, if this is genuine then you just tell them to fuck off. That is all. If you live with a person who would any way consider this, then you leave. End of.

Thanks for all the messages everyone. I should add that there is no way that DH would ever even consider putting up CCTV cameras and he would never ever think that I am not a fit parent. It's just that he does find it difficult to tell his parents that.

If ever anything called for the classic MN "Are you on glue?", this does.

He's POLE VAULTED over the line.

Your DH needs to tell his father NO, in no uncertain terms.

How dare he suggest that.

He doesn't need to tell them anything. He just doesn't do it. There is no discussion. To be had on this.

Good point Porto.

Your DH doesn't have the balls to tell FIL to jog on. That doesn't mean you can't! I'm utterly utterly outraged on your behalf!
Would you like me to tell him for you?

I'll tell him too.

It's utter silence, as Porto says or a loud, flat no.

He finds it difficult to tell his parents that his wife is a fit parent who he trusts with the care of his child? Why is that so difficult for him to say? he really needs to grow up

Tell your FIL that he needs to fuck off and stop being stupid. Then repeat this to yourself 'I am a good mother and FIL is just a crazy busybody'

Most children shut their fingers in a door or have a similar accident at some point, often more than once, in my DDs case sometimes even more than once in the same day, CCTV will not prevent that, nothing will short of wrapping them in cotton wool and never letting them out your arms

AgentZigzag Exactly. EXACTLY.

Aww your poor little boy. Sending him a virtual hug. Can't believe how nasty he is being. You probably feel guilty enough, with him making you feel like it's your fault not for a minute saying you should do (feel guilty) but as a mum when your dc is hurt you do feel guilty. It was terrible accident that happened to your little boy, but please remember it wasn't your fault.
About F.I.L wanting to install cctv in your home is he for real. Does he live on this planet. For one thing babies and children have accidents all the time. Also him putting or wanting to put cctv in your home is an invasion of your privacy.
I'd tell him where to go......