FiL wants to install CCTV in my house

[Finsa]

Long time lurker. Just joined mumsnet to post this.

There is a huge backstory here of interference in our lives which I won't bore you with, but suffice it to say I truly believe the only reason DH and I are still together is because we moved away from PiL.

My 1 year old DS had an accident a few weeks ago. I usually keep the bathroom door closed, but this particular time DS had been having a bath. I had just taken him out of the bath and put a fresh nappy on. DH had returned home from work while DS was in the bath so once DS had his clothes on, we went into the bedroom to say hi to DH.

I put DS on the floor, whereupon he walked quite quickly (he was an early walker) to the bathroom door and shut the door onto his little finger (he likes things that swing back and forth) I saw it happen as I was about a metre away and lunged for it, but I was too late to catch it before it hit his little finger and amputated a small part of the fingertip. Obviously we were all traumatized and raced off to A&E where he was x-rayed, bandaged up and then had some minor surgery a couple of days later. His finger is almost completely healed now.

I completely accept that this was my fault for leaving the bathroom door open and unsecured, but it was an accident. However my FiL (from and lives in a different culture and country to the one I was brought up in but the same one I was born in) is now insisting that DH install CCTV so that he can keep an eye on DS (and me) from work. He also interrogated DH on safety procedures and basically implied that I am not a fit parent.

DH treads very softly where his parents are concerned and will never say anything outright to them ( it's a cultural thing I think although I am not like this with my parents) but tried to diffuse the situation by mumbling something about there being no need for CCTV as I'm home and we can't afford it anyway.

AIBU for thinking that FiL has stepped over the line here? And if so what should I say or do about this?

I honestly am wondering about this. Does one accident a bad parent make?

So your FIL thinks that your DH can prevent accidents whilst sitting at work and watching on CCTV when the evidence shows that he couldn't prevent an accident when he was actually present? Mad old coot.

For what it's worth, none of the many, many times I took DC to A&E were caused by accidents which happened in my presence - they were variously under the care and control of DM, DSis, ExMil, ExH, friends, neighbours, school, brownies and scouts. Which makes no difference, really. If you trust people to look after your children, you have to trust their judgment. If you can't trust their judgment, you can't trust them with your children.

So presumably you trust your DH to look after your DS; you want to know that he trusts you. Which means he tells FIL that he can use his CCTV to give himself an endoscopy, cultural sensitivity or not.

This is making me I just can't formulate a sensible response.

OP you and your DH need to spell out to FIL how utterly unacceptable his proposal is.

I can't think of a country in the world where the culture is to spy on children's mothers with technology.

In total Piper not consecutive!

I think this is even worse than you all think - I don't think he thinks this is a way to 'prevent accidents', I think he's implying you hurt your son on purpose. So sorry. You and your DH really do need to present an united front and tell him in no certain terms to back the fuck off. And I'm stressing the word 'united' here as your DH has to stop with the 'mumbling' and make it absolutely clear to his dad that now you are married to each other, 'you' are his priority, not his dad.

And there is no culture on earth that thinks it's acceptable to spy on family members, I can tell you that.

I thought you may have cracked it in the last few years :)

Im confused by cctv in the being cultural. I didnt realise it had been around long enough.

Personally I would tell my Dh that he could install cctv in the house to watch what was happening whenever he liked. It wouldnt worry me because neither ds or I would be there.

How dare your fil suggest such a thing and how dare your dh give it any consideration.
Yanbu

Wow. This is utterly ridiculous. I'd actually be more concerned if a child had never had one single accident ever tbh. Every child has accidents, it's a normal part of learning and growing. I cracked my head open aged two, I also trapped my fingers in doors a good few times. It wasn't my parents fault, I was a young exploring child and I hurt myself pissing about as kids do. They don't know any better and it's virtually impossible to prevent unless you keep them in a padded cell until they turn 18.

As if we're not spied on enough, imagine being watched in your own home too. Imagine how much pressure you'd constantly be under knowing they were there! Oh Christ. It doesn't bear thinking about.

I can't help wondering how much power the FIL has over the OPs DH (because he didn't automatically laugh in his dads face at the very idea of it, as well as pussyfooting round the bloke so as to not upset him) and whether he could coerce him into going ahead with it regardless of whether the OP agrees or not.

But then I do overthink some things and can lean towards very sensible paranoia.

I can see what you mean moxon, but involving the OPs parents would water down the message that they need to ram home themselves, as two adults to another adult.

For him to suggest such an outrageous thing maybe says that he's like this quite a lot of the time, if that's the case, then they need to get up enough authority of their own to protect their DS from him.

The thing that is getting me about how totally bonkers this is is that Finsa's dh was there when the accident happened - he saw it happen (and was unable to prevent it as well).

What exactly is the CCTV supposed to achieve?

BTW, OP, culture is not an excuse for bad behaviour, either from your FIL or from your dh. Feel free to tell them both to do one, and stuff their culture where the sun don't shine.

Agree this is ridiculous and really disrespectful. Also agree with redtoothbrush. I do my fair share of compromising for "cultural reasons" and know there are varying levels of extended family involvement but this would be seen as mad anywhere.

Trouble is that there is not much you can do yourself, you need your DH to stick up for you.

Cultural my arse. The man is a twat.

Your FIL IS using what happened as an excuse to be controlling

This!

I too have shut my DS's finger in the bathroom door. He was walking out, I reached back to shut the door and didn't realise he'd got his hand on the hinge bit on the inner side of the door. Total accident. Of course I felt terrible. But I know I would never intentionally harm a hair on my DS's head. I am the best person (along with DH) to protect him and keep him safe from harm, regardless of accidents. I would go ballistic at anyone questioning that. Don't let this make you doubt yourself. You are the most sensible and reasonable person around your son, from the sound of it.

I think you should use this situation to draw your line in the sand both with your fil and your 'd'H

If you let this pass things will never get better and it will grind you down

I think you need to be clear to your husband that he is a father now not a child and things need to change, I would lose so much respect for my DH if he let something like this go

is now insisting that DH install CCTV so that he can keep an eye on DS (and me) from work. He also interrogated DH on safety procedures and basically implied that I am not a fit parent.

sorry op I had to laugh at this, I cant imagine a more pervy and invasive nightmare, just imagining my own FIL wanting to remotely survey me, I bet they would LOVE to actually and I have often wondered if listening devices are not put in toys they send!
my neighbours dh accidentally shut boys finger in door too, had surgery.

little ones are obsessed with doors, and so on so please dont worry.

and yes, fil has crossed a HUGE line there!

And I bet your DH would give anyone suggesting your DS wasn't safe with you short shrift EverythingCounts.

Not only because he completely trusts you and would know they were talking bollocks, but because he'd know how much both the suggestion and his disloyalty if he didn't defend you would hurt you.

Apart from the MASSIVELY intrusive and inappropriate nature of this suggestion, which I think has been covered by everyone on the thread, does he really think that your husband has time to keep a constant watch on you from work? Unless he works for himself, I simply cannot imagine an employer being happy to pay someone to spy on their own wife! (Don't mention that to him though - you don't need more excuses which don't include the words 'fuck off!'.)

I am , I hope dh has told them to take a long jump of a short cliff, noway over my dead and cold body.

Yes they have overstepped the mark big time, tbh, I would not want to be around them much at all.

It's not about the CCTV, actually. Nor even about control, though that aspect of things is certainly worrying.

Your FIL's first reaction to a pretty ordinary childhood accident is to do his best to sow suspicion and resentment in your DH against you. Given the background of there being other issues, he sounds determined to scapegoat you and cause a rift. Not very accepting of your marriage, to say the least. Calculated to undermine it, in fact.

Your husband does need to nip this in the bud.

You are right Abbie, they are trying to get in between both of you, and add doubt about you and your parenting to dh. No this needs to be taken care of. I would not allow them in my home.

Everyone seems to be assuming the FIL is expecting the CCTV to be constantly monitored. I suspect his idea is more that if another accident happens the footage can be looked at and blame applied.

Rather like a shop I worked at, where the cctv did nothing to prevent people shop lifting, but did allow the managers (when a expensive item was noticed missing) to go back and see which unfortunate staff member had been nearest and 'should have' prevented it.

Don't even think about agreeing to this. And your DH should be telling him exactly the same thing.

Please tell me this is made up. Otherwise it is the most abusively controlling thing I have ever heard.

Of COURSE it is not reasonable and your dh needs to step up and set clear, firm boundaries to your deluded fil.

What happened was an accident, beginning middle and end of the situation. While you all had a fright, your DS is alright, so what should be done is for you and your DH to draw a line under it and move on.

As for your FIL- he needs to be firmly put back in his box. What he has suggested is outrageous, deeply inappropriate and insulting. Your DH should be outraged at this suggestion and should have made that completely clear to his father that his suggestions/implications are unwelcome.

I agree with others, your FIL is not your major problem- your DH and his apparent inability to stick up for you is a big issue.

Finsa
this is very sad. I find it worrying that you didnt get angry at the suggestion and that you blamed yourself for the accident (i dont mean it in a patronising way). I am just wondering if you are used to them treating you like this.

I am also wondering if they are other issues and situations that you are unsure about them being normal or not? i.e. work, money matters and access to bank accounts, sex.
I just think that if they are controlling and sexists in one area they might be in other areas too but when you live in the situation it is hard to see what is acceptable and what is not.

If you are unsure about other stuff too i hope that you explore them x.