FiL wants to install CCTV in my house

[Finsa]

Long time lurker. Just joined mumsnet to post this.

There is a huge backstory here of interference in our lives which I won't bore you with, but suffice it to say I truly believe the only reason DH and I are still together is because we moved away from PiL.

My 1 year old DS had an accident a few weeks ago. I usually keep the bathroom door closed, but this particular time DS had been having a bath. I had just taken him out of the bath and put a fresh nappy on. DH had returned home from work while DS was in the bath so once DS had his clothes on, we went into the bedroom to say hi to DH.

I put DS on the floor, whereupon he walked quite quickly (he was an early walker) to the bathroom door and shut the door onto his little finger (he likes things that swing back and forth) I saw it happen as I was about a metre away and lunged for it, but I was too late to catch it before it hit his little finger and amputated a small part of the fingertip. Obviously we were all traumatized and raced off to A&E where he was x-rayed, bandaged up and then had some minor surgery a couple of days later. His finger is almost completely healed now.

I completely accept that this was my fault for leaving the bathroom door open and unsecured, but it was an accident. However my FiL (from and lives in a different culture and country to the one I was brought up in but the same one I was born in) is now insisting that DH install CCTV so that he can keep an eye on DS (and me) from work. He also interrogated DH on safety procedures and basically implied that I am not a fit parent.

DH treads very softly where his parents are concerned and will never say anything outright to them ( it's a cultural thing I think although I am not like this with my parents) but tried to diffuse the situation by mumbling something about there being no need for CCTV as I'm home and we can't afford it anyway.

AIBU for thinking that FiL has stepped over the line here? And if so what should I say or do about this?

I honestly am wondering about this. Does one accident a bad parent make?

Massive massive posts. I didn't refresh!

Utterly bizarre and insulting, I agree that this should not be swept under the carpet, DH needs to be clear how unacceptable his father's suggestions and the sentiments which lay behind it are. Please don't berate yourself for what happened accidents like this happen to the most contentious of parents.

TBH I'd not say or do anything!

just ignore.

If mentioned again, do an exaggerated laugh & say "oh you are funny/stupid/ridiculous/do talk shit"

And your husband was there at the time so as unfit a parent as you!

Can't believe that anyone gave this any serious thought at all!

My DD badly broke her arm 6 weeks ago. She tripped over whilst DH and I were both present. It was an accident. Get your DH to tell his dad to butt out.

completely over the mark. what a tosser. your dil i mean.

It wasn't your fault at all. It was an accident that could happen to anyone. I don't keep my doors shut in case children trap their fingers. It never occurred to me.

There are tonnes of threads started by a distraught mother where their child has had an accident and 100's of posters always add their story of when their child was hurt.

I have 34 years of parenting (3 kids) and have probably 6-8 years where we DIDN'T have to go to hospital. MIL made a comment to DH after one accident so he reminded her of when HE fell through the bannister. Utterly betrayal towards the mother of her grandchild but total support from DH.

'how exactly does FIL think it could be could be prevented remotely from a CCTV image?'

The FIL is thinking he can go through the footage with OPs DH and a fine tooth comb, before advising him on all the transgressions he sees and how to correct them.

The DH can then instruct his wife on how she should conduct herself when she's taking care of the house and children.

FIL is then presented with medal for saving DCs life and limb.

Betcha.

Absolutely no way!

All children have accidents, no matter how carefully you watch them. I bet every single parent has experienced their child hurting themselves as they rushed to try and prevent it.

No way should your PIL be watching you in your own house. It's a huge invasion of privacy, and the fact that he thinks he has the right to keep an eye on you and your child is insulting.

OP you've an unanimous your fil is being vvvvvvUR! (And a complete dick too!!) My dd at 3 managed to slice her leg open on a screw that I hadn't screwed in properly, she had to get it glued shut in A&e (after they spend half an hour contemplating stiches) then a week later sliced her other leg open on a shard of glass in the garden. A week after that my then 2yo ds fell down the stairs and had a nasty bruise and suspected concussion, by the time we left a&e the staff asked if i wanted to go ahead and book my next trip in advance (in a joking way, i was feeling like the worst parent in the world by this point) and no one ever suggested I was a bad parent. Hope you're son is ok, and you too!

Your FIL would have me hung if getting his fingers jammed makes you a bad parent DS is always falling bashing and bumping. Kids have accidents and it does not make you a bad parent your FIL is ridiculous I've never heard the likes of it CC bloody TV in your home!

How is it 'cultural' to think installing CCTV to spy on your own DW and DS is a good idea that can improve safety?
Don't make excuses for the FIL. I was equally right next to my DD when she whacked her head on some curly (metal) stair decorations. I could not react in time. It's a horrid enough feeling without being judged for it.
Can FIL honestly say your DH NEVER had an accident / near miss. I suspect not

Finsa - what happened to your child is called an accident not an on-purpose for a REASON! As others have said, leaving a door open is NOT neglect - really it is not.

Tell your FIL to bugger off with his CCTV ideas, and tell your dh that, if he lets his dad have it installed, you will spray paint every camera lens, as many times as they want to replace them, until they accept that you will not be spied on.

I am FUMING on your behalf!

I'd call the non emergency number for the police and ask if this would constitute emotional abuse. And when they say it is, make sure you let your husband know that, and tell your FIL to fuck himself.

What the actual fuck?

Your FIL is an interfering, nasty loon

What Agent Zigzag and Fuckoff said. Fuckoff thats a bloody good idea.

My DB slammed the first 2 fingers of my left hand in the toilet door when i was little (my parents toilet and bathroom are seperated by a wall) we were both little kids. There is NO WAY my mum could have moved any quicker to stop it. I remember being walked up to the local hospital and having bandaged fingers and my nails falling off and regrowing. Accidents happen. Its part of life.

Your FIL IS using what happened as an excuse to be controlling. Id do what Fuckoff said.

Holy crap. I'd never talk to the twat again if someone suggested that to me.

Bellend. Give him something to really moan about and tell him to do one. For good.

6-8 years where we DIDN'T have to go to hospital. how did you manage that. I did read the who of your post Itsfab it's a miracle.

I don't there there is a parent out there who has got a child to the age of 18 without a visit to a&e

That would be one way of dealing with him, for the DH to remind him of any accidents he had while his dad was watching him just before he sticks up for his wife and tells him what a brilliant job she's doing with their DS.

Nasty and creepy.

Maybe this is paranoid, but my first thought is that you should keep an eye out for any tiny hidden cameras that your FIL could bully your DH into installing in the future.

Agentzigzag, that's not really what I meant to imply. The OP highlighted cultural concerns, and since we have no in-depth knowledge of her background, and whilst I would very much agree with the majority of others' comments, I had hoped that by offering some other potentially useful strategies it would be helpful, in case her situation is such that there is difficulty in communicating directly with her fil. Just my experience of various family dynamics. Apologies if this was lost in posting.

We have something similar to these door slam preventers screwed into every doorframe in the house, they can't be forgotten or mislaid...:D

www.amazon.co.uk/Emmay-Care-Safety-Door-Stop/dp/B002HIA68E/ref=pd_sim_by_1?ie=UTF8&refRID=02NFSYQ04BDBVMNXACV0

The only danger to your son's wellbeing is his crazy grandfather. For his sake, please put HUGE mental ditance in place.

Is what this utterly dreadful FIL is proposing even legal??

My DS when aged one once pulled an unplugged fan heater off a counter and hit just below is eye with the plug. Yes I should have realised it was there, but hey ho it was an accident.

He also aged 2 climbed the shut and properly fitted stairgate (by using a few building blocks from his room to stand on!) and then fell down the stairs. Silly Mummy for giving him building bloc

He is now 25 and in perfect health and a fine young man!

Kids have accidents all the time. No parent can or should even think they can prevent all of them