FiL wants to install CCTV in my house

[Finsa]

Long time lurker. Just joined mumsnet to post this.

There is a huge backstory here of interference in our lives which I won't bore you with, but suffice it to say I truly believe the only reason DH and I are still together is because we moved away from PiL.

My 1 year old DS had an accident a few weeks ago. I usually keep the bathroom door closed, but this particular time DS had been having a bath. I had just taken him out of the bath and put a fresh nappy on. DH had returned home from work while DS was in the bath so once DS had his clothes on, we went into the bedroom to say hi to DH.

I put DS on the floor, whereupon he walked quite quickly (he was an early walker) to the bathroom door and shut the door onto his little finger (he likes things that swing back and forth) I saw it happen as I was about a metre away and lunged for it, but I was too late to catch it before it hit his little finger and amputated a small part of the fingertip. Obviously we were all traumatized and raced off to A&E where he was x-rayed, bandaged up and then had some minor surgery a couple of days later. His finger is almost completely healed now.

I completely accept that this was my fault for leaving the bathroom door open and unsecured, but it was an accident. However my FiL (from and lives in a different culture and country to the one I was brought up in but the same one I was born in) is now insisting that DH install CCTV so that he can keep an eye on DS (and me) from work. He also interrogated DH on safety procedures and basically implied that I am not a fit parent.

DH treads very softly where his parents are concerned and will never say anything outright to them ( it's a cultural thing I think although I am not like this with my parents) but tried to diffuse the situation by mumbling something about there being no need for CCTV as I'm home and we can't afford it anyway.

AIBU for thinking that FiL has stepped over the line here? And if so what should I say or do about this?

I honestly am wondering about this. Does one accident a bad parent make?

Stand outside their house with binoculars and tell them that you're 'keeping an eye on them in case they have an accident'.

Your FIL is being a twat!

What an idiot. Installing spy cameras is not part of anyone's cultural heritage. Living with the in-laws is but presumably you moved away from that to stop having them watch you all the time! Your DH should in no way agree to this.

FFS - your FIL needs a good Dr and your DH needs a spine.

You, my friend, need to retain some self confidence and stand up to the pair of them before you no longer recognise the person you once were :(

I'm glad your DS has a made a good recovery from his little accident. Accidents happen, it wasn't like you sent him out to play on the M25.

Why would your FIL (or you for that matter) imagine that this accident was any more your fault than your DH's?
I've never heard of closing a bathroom door as a standard safety measure, unless you keep medications down low and unsecured I guess. Children slam their fingers in doors. I would wager there are precious few children who don't do this at some stage or another. My children have done it repeatedly and I have never once for even a second felt like that was a reflection on my parenting ability.

He doesn't need to tell them anything. He just doesn't do it. There is no discussion. To be had on this.

I disagree. He needs to tell his father that he completely trusts you and that FIL is not going to undermine that trust; that accidents happen; that if there was any fault at all, this accident was as much his fault as yours; that the concept of installing CCTV is massively inappropriate and utterly ludicrous; and that he needs to butt out now if he wants a continuing relationship with him and his family.

"Installing spy cameras is not part of anyone's cultural heritage."

Unless your FIL is Robert De Niro in Meet the Parents?

Surfsup's comment has made me think of all those american nanny-cam court cases (nanny-cams probably part of american cultural heritage now...) - and thinking that maybe the OP should check all the soft toys fil has given her ds!

Wow - yes!! If a teddy arrives in the mail, please make sure you face it into a toilet.

I would also check anything innocent looking that arrives through the post, and would be locking rooms apart from the bathroom if the pil visit.

I wondered how long it would take someone to compare this with Meet the Fokker's!

That's not to trivialise this, though. It's batshit crazy, cultural or not

Sod treading carefully. Either he stands up to the father properly or you should, as a minimum, go NC. The suggestion is beyond offensive, accident or no accident. If we won't tell them to sod off then you have a bigger problem and should consider whether you can continue the relationship in such circumstances.

You didn't say what your IABU question is, but you are in danger of BU if you don't tell FiL to fuck off - spoken slowly, clearly, and distinctly.

Yes your DH should already have dealt with it, but regardless of that you should make your own feelings very clear.

Good grief, you FIL is WAY out of order. Accidents happen. Recently I was demonstrating to four year old granddaughter how sealing wax works (I have some beautiful antique seals). Unfortunately, as I dropped the molten sealing wax onto paper, it spluttered and a dollop landed on back of granddaughter's hand. Quick application of cold water, after I'd got the wax off her (burnt my own fingers in the process). She was very brave, hardly cried. Small blister. My daughter very relaxed and kind - said how lucky granddaughter was to have such an interesting grandmama who showed her unusual things like sealing wax!

Now, granddaughter often announces to all and sundry that 'Grandmama BURNT me but she didn't really mean it!'

Meant to add that our local cheap and cheerful, near £ shops, sell those foam door wedge things -some in the shape of animals. About £1.50 for two - I bought some for my daughter.

I can understand him not wanting to stand up I his parents (although I think it's a bit weak) but being unable to tell them that you are a trusted parent and wife is pretty poor. I don't think I'd speak to FIL again after this.

Sorry to hear about the accident.

Invite him round, ask where he wants to put a camera, then every time he tells you, say "sorry, we have sex there, next option...".

Or ask if he minds if he'll install CCTV so you can watch what he is up to.

Some people on MN just need to stop biting their tongue and tell people to sod off when they deserve it!

It's just that he does find it difficult to tell his parents that.

Sad to say OP, but that means he thinks more of their feelings than he does of yours.

exactly sallyingforth what about your feelings, don't they matter! Instead of telling them not to be so stupid, and noway are we going to do that! He mumbled something about not being able to afford it! Fecking hell grow a vagina!

Haha! This is the worst PiL thing I've heard.

Also - so pervy!

What an old nutcase. Also it's none of his bloody business.

Also it wasn't your fault.

Fuming on your behalf OP. I can only hope your FiL is very aged and wealthy, providing some silver lining to the cloud.

I'm still mystified as to the CCTV cultural thing..... p'raps North Korea ???

He also interrogated DH on safety procedures....

aaaahhhahahaha !! Are these a real live thing in the home? Sheer luck that our household has avoided succumbing to random series of grisly deaths then... phew!

"I'm still mystified as to the CCTV cultural thing..... p'raps North Korea ??? "

ROFL