To be annoyed , even outraged that my 9 year old came home from school with this book?

[babyiwantabump]

I really don't know if I am bu as I know they are educating children about things younger these days but DD ,aged 9 ,on her second day in year 5 ,has today come home having chosen a book from the reading selection in the classroom .

The book she has chosen is AIDS orphan.

The book describes HIV and AIDS which is fair enough but it also discusses rape , prostitution , injecting drugs such as cocaine and heroin etc .

I'm really annoyed (fuming!!)with the school .
The leader of homework club is the one who told me that DD had the book as she had asked the teacher what a condom was as it also discusses the use of condoms ( especially during anal sex !!) she was concerned about the book and she didn't feel it appropriate for a 9 year old either.

I just need to know if I am BU before I go in on Monday to discuss with DD's teacher and headmaster about the book .

I know children need to learn but I haven't even had the proper sex talk(she has been told the basics ) with DD yet and she is having further issues like this thrust at her first! She's a child!!

Thanks if you've read this far.

We are a family who don't restrict what our DCs read / watch / access online. Our DCs would have been fine with the book at that age. However, not all families are the same and I think the problem here is that the book was on a shelf in the classroom, where any of the class could pick it up, take it home, and read it out of context with no preparation. Some 9 year olds would be fine with that but others would be upset and confused leaving their parents (who may not have anticipated needing to discuss the issues raised with their 9 year old) to deal with the aftermath.

The varying opinions on here on this book just proves to me that for each child, when they get told about these things will be different for each family, based on the dynamics of the family, the development of the child, as each 9 yr old is not going to be at the same stage, and so on.

I think a 9 yr old should know the basics, and I've done that with mine, answering further questions as they come along, in an appropriate way.

But each child is different, so there's no "one size fits all on telling them things".

I guess the issue though is that you do want to tell children, before they hear it from others in the playground. That is not a good way for children to learn about any difficult issues

My current 9 yr old - I'd be fuming.
When she 11 - possibly.

I have a book about development and sex that I'm currently planning on going through with my eldest.

The school has followed a very good sex ed program - starts in reception age to oldest, and the deal age appropriately with ok touching their support network- and she knew a fair few basics anyway from asking questions but I want to make sure she ok with everything and knows about her developing body and what to expect in near future.

I picked it carefully - there was another good book but the reviewers said it was aimed for older DC as it covered STI's.

Now I think it a good idea when she older that that is covered. Not now at 9 though not so long in future it's irrelevant or too late.

But the basics aren't that : some women sell sex to afford food and some men believe the rape of virgins cures HIV.

If it was a book containing the basics I wouldn't have an issue . This is a whole other area that I don't think should have been introduced yet.

That was to fry one

Thumbwitch I would hope a child of that age knew what rape is because rape is sadly much more common than most people think.
I was very scared as a child but knowing realities is important and if done in the right way it shouldn't scare them too much. Children know what assault and murder are at that age.

The infanticide of baby girls is also a very common occurrence, and female genital mutilation, and abortion is also common. Same goes for miscarriage. However, few children of 9 would be able to emotionally process basic information on those topics. They are topics that would burden them more than they would enlighten them.

Just because something exists and is a genuine problem doesn't mean you have to hit a child of 9 over the head with it. There is a time and a place for everything.

Yes parents want their children to have an understanding about their bodies and knowledge of what goes on in this sad and dangerous world of ours, but it's a mistake to put our own preoccupation with certain issues or our own anxiety for them to know ahead of their ability to grasp and process information we give.

My son is 9 and I would not be at all happy with such a book. Issues such as rape AIDS and prositution can wait until earliest 12.

I do touch upon the subject of drugs. It is also a theme on reality soaps and that is why I believe it is good for me and ds to watch the odd episode of Corrie to discuss everyday themes. For example ds learned about being gay through Corrie once he was 7 or 8 and I don't think that did him any harm at all.

I think a lot comes down to what our individual children are ready for and also how mature and questioning they are.

I am with Gordy and everyone who thinks that these children/teen books with hard-hitting themes are a Damn Good Thing.

At my DD's junior school they had the more adult theme children's books labelled with a PC sticker. I had to sign a form saying that she was allowed to read them.

I am really freaking out reading this.

I was abused as a child. I blanked it all out, it was only several years later that it all came flooding back and I realised it was bad and told someone.

And yet my instinct is the exact opposite from those who've been through similar. I just want to hide away from it and keep her 'innocent'.

As a result she doesn't know anything at all about sex, pregnancy, underwear rule or even periods etc age 7 (just started year 3).

I have totally fucked this up haven't I. I have no idea how to even start this, how to bring it up without freaking her out (she is very sensitive and anxious).

And worst of all, what if something's already happened to her and because I haven't given her the tools to understand it we will never know or be able to help? What if by trying to keep her innocent I've made her unsafe?

Sorry to hijack the thread with this but I'm trying not to cry reading some of these responses, I'm scared I've failed my daughter and I don't know where to start to fix it :(

I have just read the few pages that amazon shows. Worryingly Mary mentions she visited her father in 2004 and had cultural rituals performed for her, I wonder if that could have been female genital mutilation, the book doesn't elaborate. This topic, fgm, could be extremely important for key stage 2 in the uk.

Fuzzpig. You have done what you think is right. Maybe buy an age appropriate book and read it together. You read it first so you know what content will come up. Look on amazon, I'm sure some mumsnetters will have a good aged 7 recommendation. Then next week you can read it together.
Maybe start a thread on chat asking what book people recommend. I'm sorry bad things happened to you as a child, I hope you had access to counselling. Xxx

A very interesting thread with many different attitudes- overall, I'm inclined to think Yabu OP: for one thing, children all over the world and in the uk are living through the issues described in the book, not just reading about them! It would be fantastic if children could remain innocent- in fact, I'd love it if we all could! There are many things in the world I wish we didn't have to know about.

I was 9 in 1985-6 and read the AIDS leaflet that came through the door. I was left unscathed!! It was an absolutely vital piece of public education and yet there were many people in govt and around who wanted to censor the content of the leaflet.

Another thing is that it's the job of schools and school libraries to educate and having looked on Amazon it's clear that that is the purpose of this book! I don't think ds (also year 5) would pick this one up but if he did I'd answer his questions and read it with him.

If you must go and complain to the school about it having books in the library which aim to inform children about issues in the world they live in, then I'd at least go to the class teacher first as opposed to the head.

I'm always staggered that some students read The Hunger Games in year 5- I'd rather ds read Aids Orphan than that in a way! But as this thread has shown, parents have massively different ideas about suitability and when their dcs are ready for info. What is the school librarian meant to do? His/her job is to provide stimulating reading for all. (That's if the school librarian still exists as many have been got rid of)

I don't agree that this book is unsuitable for 9 year olds, not because I was abused, either. But my mother was keen for us to have the fullest, most accurate information about sex and life before we needed it - her horror was not giving us the tools to filter and assess information in the playground and ending up frightened or in danger due to myths kids spread. I think she was right.

I can see no reason why anal sex is information for older than hetro sex. There's nothing dirty or horrifying about either kind. And drugs and prostitution? How does she read the newspaper without coming across these terms? Or do people not encourage their kids to read the paper?

I have totally fucked this up haven't I. I have no idea how to even start this, how to bring it up without freaking her out (she is very sensitive and anxious).

Not at all. Bring her for a walk today and ask some gently probing questions. Tease out where she's at and then get a book to read with her tomorrow.

But the main thing is to give her accurate information in a non-sensationalized way, I think.

"What is the school librarian meant to do? His/her job is to provide stimulating reading for all."

Would a school librarian have been involved in this at all?

The book was in the class selection. And is as KS2/3 resource (age 10+) placed in a classroom of children younger than that.

Many types of middle and secondary school books are inappropriate for younger children, because all subjects which schools cover need to be covered in an age appropriate way. Using resources aimed for children older than the group is rarely the way to achieve this well, and is probably utterly counter-productive.

Right ok, I'm starting to think I'm going to stop asking for advice on here after the response to this thread, as I find some of the responses unbelievable. I totally disagree this is suitable material for a 9 year old as a book to be read alone without any context. I'm reading a similar book for adults, and the bit about rape of virgins to cure aids and the beating etc shocked me in my late 20s. Maybe I've been naive a but too long. I don't care. I don't want my children knowing this stuff at 9, I'd rather they learnt a bit out of context in the playground and they then asked me about it in a loving environment than every brutality laid bare in a graphical book. I think it normalises this stuff if you know about it too young and out of context honestly.

Also 'she chose it'.... Put a porno on the school book shelves and a few kids would probably choose that too...does it make it ok?!

We all find bits of knowledge as we grow, why does it all have to be presented in an explicit fact book? And for those not moderating your children's internet, you need to wise up. I really hope you mean you're there while ever they access the web.

Disclaimer : I don't live in the UK. I live in India, family is considered very important and the local government ban sex education.

My daughter's class mates believe that you cannot have children if you are not married. She has told them that her parents weren't married, they have said we must have been. I was asked by an 18 year old, how I had a child if I wasn't married. I am the only single parent in her class and one of very few in the school.

She is nearly 8 and knows the basics of sex from me, but nothing else yet.

A group of older students did a presentation about AIDS but it was aimed at teaching your maids and drivers to be careful not being careful yourself. I felt very uncomfortable.

Apocalypse-my parents were the same and I'm the same with ds. Not graphic details, just matter of fact when he asks or something comes up on the Telly/radio.

I did not want ds's first time learning about sex to be at school from a teacher or in the playground. We never had THE talk though,it was always drip drip information so by the time there was THE talk at school it wasn't a shock.

We also have a little jewelery box in my bedroom and ds can write a question and leave it in there and I will answer, if he's ever too embarrassed to verbalise something-hasn't happened yet but wanted to cover all bases.

Fuzz-there's a really nice Usbourne book I read with ds, I'll see if I can remember the name,I borrowed it from a friend. You haven't fucked up

Fuzz-I had google but can't find it, it was an old book so might have a new cover/title now but there seems to be lots out there on Amazon x

That's the irony marcopront. Over educating all innocent children in Britain who just need to know how to keep themselves safe, then where the actual forced rape and propitiation is happening to 1 in 4 women, we don't even give those girls an education, never mind sex education. What a messed up world it is.

We never had THE talk though,it was always drip drip information so by the time there was THE talk at school it wasn't a shock.

We got THE talk and drip drip information too. The way my mother did THE talk is still something we joke about.

There were also specific books left in the house for us to read as and when we wished - Boys Talk and Girls Talk, I think.

The box is a brilliant idea, by the way.

Children need to have the vocabulary to talk about these things and need to know what is not acceptable. Worrying about strangers is all well and good but sadly the threats to them usually come from people they know.

Keeping them innocent, given the child protection training I have been through, is very misguided.

School librarians can have an opt-in scheme or an opt-out scheme. It isn't hard to label the books and put them on different shelves.

Well , spoke to the deputy head when dropping DD off this morning (her teacher wasn't available , the deputy head asked if she could help so I didn't go directly seeking her out )
She agreed that book wasn't suitable to be in the selection of books for the classroom for DD's class and was a bit miffed as to why it was there in the first place as none of the content would be covered by the school in year 5 (or 6) .
She thinks it must be one of the new books that had recently been bought by the school . She will speak to DD's teacher and find out . She apologised and offered to debrief DD .

All sorted .