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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to think this woman was rude to invite my husband round for coffee, even though i was stood next to him.

287 replies

hatethecold · 04/09/2014 09:38

I wondered what you would make of this situation.
Yesterday I had an appointment at the hospital and because I knew it wouldn't take long, and it was nice and sunny, I suggested that my husband wait outside.
When I came out, I noticed he was chatting to a woman who I recognised as being a friend of his from years ago.
I went and stood next to them and said hello. They chatted for a few minutes more, husband said 'we have to go now' to which she replied
'It was nice bumping into you, YOU will have to call in for a coffee one day'
This was said to him only and didn't seem to include me

As we were walking away I said jokingly that 'I noticed I wasn't included in the invite!'
He said she probably didn't mean anything by it.

I agree with him, but am quietly seething that a woman would be SO rude and insensitive to a person, as to invited her partner round without inviting her, as well.
(I think it was the fact I was stood right next to him when she did it that really riled)

If the tables were turned, as soon as the wife turned up, I would have included her in the conversation AND in the invite for coffee?

Am I being unreasonable to be as annoyed by this as I am?
Have any of you had anything similar happen to you?

OP posts:
Anotherchapter · 05/09/2014 18:37

Tbf Alis I think that's strange.

Alisvolatpropiis · 05/09/2014 18:44

Pretty common where I am, Another.

My husband and I don't have to socialise together. The same is true of the people we are friendly with.

Of course we do socialise together more often than not, just us two, with mutual friends etc. But we like our independence.

Maisyblue · 05/09/2014 18:55

I suppose we all have different ideas in what is acceptable and what is not in a marriage. I personally would not be happy for my husband to go for coffee to a woman's house, regardless of whether she was an old friend just as he wouldn't like me to go somewhere with a man. Apart from that he isn't the sort of man who would want to go for coffee to a woman's house. Now if someone suggested fishing......

sesamstrasse · 05/09/2014 18:58

If your (male or female) friend was with you at an appointment and they then saw someone they knew (male or female) and were chatting and were then invited for coffee, would you be expecting an invite then too? Probably not.Confused

I don't see how marriage means it any different.

Alisvolatpropiis · 05/09/2014 19:03

That's true enough, Maisey.

The op asked for opinions and got them. I imagine that from this thread she has taken - "lots of people conduct their relationships in ways that differ from mine. Which is interesting, but I still feel how I feel."

And that's fine. I don't expect to change op's mind, as Another won't expect to change mine.

I would say OP was more possessive than me but is not to say she is overly possessive. Overly possessive would be shouting at the woman and berating her husband until the end of time. Which she hasn't done.

AutumnIsComing · 05/09/2014 19:04

Suspect it depends how it was done.

I know some are saying it was a figure of speech, but she did turn to him as she issued to invite, so I don't think it was just a polite/general way of saying goodbye.

Could be that it was done in such a way to be an obvious snub to you that would fly under your DH radar or it could be that knowing she is recently divorce is making you more sensitive and her perfectly reasonable behaviour.

Then there is also the fact who could have meant both of you.

As one off behaviour from some one neither of you see regularly - almost certainly not worth getting upset over.

Anotherchapter · 05/09/2014 19:07

Well what ever floats your boat but I rec away from MN in RL most partners wouldn't behave like this, regardless of the few uber trendy posters on here.

I've seen emotional relationships come out of 'just friends going for a coffee' especially work friends and their colleagues.

Anotherchapter · 05/09/2014 19:11

Op hasn't portrayed that she owns her dh so I don't think she is being possessive.

Alisvolatpropiis · 05/09/2014 19:17

I'm not "uber trendy", I'm 25 and conduct my relationship as I choose.

As does the op, who is being possessive but not in an extreme way.

Anotherchapter · 05/09/2014 19:23

I don't think op comes across as demanding her dh total attention and love- which is the definition of possessiveness.

So do you think that couples who choose not to live the way you do are possessive of each other?

Alisvolatpropiis · 05/09/2014 19:36

I'm not sure why you are taking umbrage with my posts, in particular Another.

As I have already said, this thread shows that people conduct their relationships differently.

I am not without a possessive streak. I am only human. It's just that in the particular circumstances as set by the op, I would not be bothered.

MistressDeeCee · 06/09/2014 00:35

It really isn't "fashionable", is it? To say that yes, women who go into instant competitive mode as soon as theyre within a foot of a man, do exist. & that they're a pain in the arse. Always aiming to play silly mind games, and only able to define themselves via how men view them. Any man who's taken, is a challenge. Yawn.

In the MN world any woman who can spot this type a mile off is clearly a jealous hag, and in fact such women don't exist anyway. & the vast majority of wives would be perfectly happy for their DH to go off have dinner, coffee, drinks, whatever with a woman as long as he says "oh she's a good friend"...after the woman has made it clear, wifey isn't welcome. Should you dare to think actually this isn't ok..then again, you are a jealous hag.

Maybe it translates to some DWs being afraid to voice concerns to their DH..rather than say they arent comfortable with a situation they will put up and shut up, then go sit amongst women playing the "cool card". The ingenuity of it all is ridiculous, sometimes. You aren't allowed to feel concerned about a situation involving your hubby for fear of not being seen as "cool enough".. oh dear

BackforGood · 06/09/2014 00:56

YABU and sounding very insecure.
It sounds as if it was just a friendly way of signing off from the conversation - not even arranging a time or day. However, even if something were arranged to have a catch up over a coffee, I wouldn't expect a friend's spouse to have to come along and chaperone 2 old friends having a drink and a chat.
How weird.

TsukuruTazaki · 06/09/2014 01:09

Yabu

Mmmicecream · 06/09/2014 01:20

The "cool card"?

I just call it being reasonable, trusting and secure. And by acting jealous an insecure, you don't look like you're not being "cool". You just look jealous and insecure.

Candycrushblahblah · 06/09/2014 01:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ilovesooty · 06/09/2014 02:20

Candy I feel embarrassed for you reading that.

I see the "cool wives" stuff is being trotted out.
OP I think you are BU. It may well have been a turn of phrase but in any case she was inviting him for a vague coffee, not setting a date for a romantic candlelit dinner.
And I can't see any evidence from the information given that she was planning to seduce him.

Candycrushblahblah · 06/09/2014 02:43

Oh 20 years ago "water under bridge" and all that, but I could do with that money back sooty ;))

PhaedraIsMyName · 06/09/2014 07:35

Candy that story makes you sound bonkers.

Fairylea · 06/09/2014 07:42

Candy the thing about that story is that she was probably never interested in your dh anyway. I used to be the woman who went out with all the blokes every Friday. I just didn't get along with women the same way and I was quite a tomboy and used to enjoy all the banter (despite being very feminine at the same time). I didn't have any romantic feelings for any of them at all. They were just friends. And they treated me like one of the lads / a friend. I would never have invited their wives or girlfriends along because I didn't know them and it would have made me feel uncomfortable having someone I didn't know well come along - nothing to do with wanting to steal a husband away!

Alisvolatpropiis · 06/09/2014 08:44

"Cool wives"

The ultimate "I have nothing constructive to contribute" comment.

How funny. My lack of possessiveness isn't down to being confident in my relationship, no no, it's because I am unable to talk to my DH. I see, thanks for the tip Mistress Wink

moneypitnot · 06/09/2014 10:07

A lot of affairs begin with a coffee.

Fairylea · 06/09/2014 10:12

Maybe rather than getting upset with our husbands / wives we should be out to get revenge against nescafe and Starbucks. ..... Wink

poolomoomon · 06/09/2014 10:18

Yabu. I don't understand your issue. It's a case of "It was nice seeing you after all this time, will have to catch up properly over coffee some time. Oh and it was lovely to meet you DW." that's it. Nothing rude or sinister about it at all.

EmeraldLion · 06/09/2014 10:21

This is a kind of related story which still makes me go Shock 5 years later.

When my bil first moved to the area he lived with us for a while. One day I heared the front door go, so answered.

There was a woman on the step, very well-to-do looking, in a skirt suit, who looked like she'd just left the office. She asked if [bil] was in. I said no, sorry, he's still at work and will be home about 6. Could I take a message?

She said yes, rooted in her bag for a pen and paper, and wrote a name and mobile number down to pass on. I must have looked curious because she said 'oh, we met at [restaurant] last night, I'm going to do some advertising for him but he forgot to take my number. But he said he lived at the house on the corner, so I thought I'd pop by'.

No problem, I'll pass it on, I said. She then paused as she was walking away and said 'So, have you two been married long?'

I laughed and said no, he was my husbands brother, staying with us.

She laughed and looked hugely relieved. Then said Oh my! That's good! We actually got on really well last night so I was calling round to ask if he wanted to go out some time! I thought you were his wife, I was thinking to myself that this was awkward! Hahaha Shock

So I'd opened the door, she'd thought I was bil's wife but instead of making some excuse and leaving she'd still continued to give me her number to give him!