to be angry about the headmaster's comments about my love life and officially challenge them?

[extremepie]

Very long story but basically we are having some SS involvement at the moment due to issues surrounding exH, we split last year and he moved away so thus far I have been trying to rectify the issues mostly by myself.

I am having monthly meetings to discuss the issues with the SW and the headmaster of the school and he keeps making comments that I feel are inappropriate and irrelevant to what we are there to discuss and it makes me very uncomfortable.

I know why they might feel me being in a new relationship could be of concern but they had done all the relevant checks and there was no reason for them to worry but the headmaster keeps bringing it up! For example he has said things like:

'My staff noticed you had a love bite on your neck on xxx date'
'Your appearance on xxx date was dishevelled (implying that I had been having sex)'
'In my opinion xxx is more than a friend (this was after he questioned me about my relationship with someone who did go on to become my boyfriend but at the time was an ex work colleague and friend who was supporting me through my break up with my ex' - he was obviously saying that he didn't believe that we were just friends
'I'm concerned about how you meet new partners'

Obviously there were more comments like this and I can't remember them all, but the things he says to me just really don't seem pertinent to what we are discussing. I don't really know how to respond to him in the meetings in a way that is calm and measured rather than angry and defensive - I am getting more and more wound up about it because as far as I'm concerned it is none of his business!

He has also made a habit of being overly harsh and nasty to me in these meetings and on several occasions has made me cry with his comments but he will never do it if I have someone with me in the meetings, only when I am alone.

AIBU? Should I just accept that his invasive and personal questions are just par for the course when SS are involved or should I complain as I am really getting sick of it :(

Headteacher sounds unprofessional in how he is raising these issues. But I thought you had split with your bf and had a new one who was jealous? Could they be concerned about your judgement?

X post frontier

So what am I suppose to do, not answer their questions? Then I would get accused of not being open and honest! I can't win!

What question did you ask that I haven't responded to? Yes, sometimes I do get defensive, I can't help it because when you have given up your whole life, your husband, your job, your friends, your social life, everything to do right by your children you do tend to get a little bit upset when someone who doesn't really even know you judges you about the only thing that brings me a little bit of happiness and makes life bearable!

I don't go into huge amounts of detail about who I am or am not in a relationship with, I just answer the questions they ask me.

I would ask for all meetings to be minuted and ask for the minutes to be circulated.
I would minute the meetings myself. When the HT asked an inappropriate question I would repeat it back to them 'so you're asking me ABC' and write it down. Then ask relevance and ask SW to confirm that she thinks its relevant.
Also - if you can - take someone with you as a witness.
Sounds foul. Hope things improve for you.

Sorry, that was directed at Grockle.

Tether, she sort of said hmmm ok, that was about it.

Frontier, I know they probably don't but then they also probably don't have people writing it down every time they turn up at the school looking less than perfect. I happen to like love bites but didn't specifically set out to get one, I didn't even realise I had one at the time and I don't really want or need to discuss my sexual preferences with a HT or SW in a CAF meeting :)

Basgetti, bf and I did break up just before the summer holidays and I did briefly get with another male friend who the dc's never met and SS don't know about but have since decided to be single so I can get things straight and get SS happy before I pursue another relationship, it's a complication I don't need right now :/

"so is it illegal to get a love bite from a partner you are in a relationship with in the heat of the moment? I wasn't aware that it was!"

Not illegal but only usually found on teens advertising the fact that they have a boyfriend. In adult relationships it's usually a sign of "marking" a partner to show they are not available and can be more sinister.

When subject to your life being scrutinised, it's not something that's going to help.

Daisy, I appreciate that it can be seen that way but that is not how either of us saw it at the time :)

It was only the one time though, definitely not a regular occurrence.

Are you sure that they don't know about the brief relationship in the summer? You'd be surprised how easily that sort of information is passed along, particularly in a small community.

Of course, in most cases, it shouldn't be anyone else's business who you see. But if you've got SS crawling all over you, then you need to play the game. And I'd turn up in a nun's habit if I thought it would help.

What is it you like about love bites, specifically? (genuine question).

Is there not an advocacy service that can help you at these meetings?

I appreciate that it is not easy', but from what you say your last partner was neglectful, so you have to prove you won't make the same misjudjment.

If you show responsible actions, the attention will disappear. The ball really is in your court on this.

I really endorse what wheresthebeach suggested. If you really draw attention to these questions and let him know they're being carefully noted every time, I suspect he'll back off quite quickly.

Perhaps that wasn't how either of you felt about the lovebite but it often is, which makes it a valid concern for people working to make sure your children are safe.

I'm a single parent and have had a love bite whilst my child was at primary school. It wasn't at all sinister - it was actually very nice (although mortifying).

Amused my friends no end rather than them deciding I was in an abusive relationship and my DS was at risk.

I feel really bad for you extremepie. It sound's like you've got your whole life exposed and open for comment and judgment in these meetings with professionals, being asked questions that in other circumstances would be unthinkable. I hope it doesn't feel like you're getting more of the same on here, I think people are trying to help. None of us who are commenting know the details of the case and whether the current concerns being expressed about your relationship are valid but you're in a very vulnerable position. If you don't feel supported by the social worker then I would look into the advocacy services suggested further up the thread. It sound's like you've lost a lot of your support network whilst this has all been going on and I'm wondering whether you could prioritise building this up again, I think this would be a positive move for you and your DC.

This must have happened a while ago as schools have been off for weeks?

It would be one thing if you were insisting you were single, and school have seen a lovebit, but SW was aware you were seeing someone, who was checked out.

As a school nurse, I will venture to say that we are a lot more experienced than GPs in working with children who soil, and have more time to do a thorough assessment than a GP who only has ten minutes per patient. However, if the child soiling is your child who is on the autistic spectrum, constipation can be quite common and a sensory issue - disimpacting could well be too distressing. The www.autism.org.uk site has an excellent section on soiling under the behaviour management link.

I think you need to get a bit more assertive if things are being said that you object to in the meeting, bear no relevance or are judgmental. If you think disimpaction is not the right way to treat your son then say so and give your reasons in an informed and firm way, not be petulant and assume professionals hate you - I have worked years in CP and I can honestly say I have not hated any parents, even if we have heated discussions the most I feel is frustration - sometimes parents in this environment seem determined to work against you no matter what, and I can't help wondering, with respect, if this is how you are coming across (even if these are not your intentions)?

It's not a sensible thing to start dating when you've still got such heavy involvement - it would have been better to wait.

Your behaviour is within your control and it's inviting scrutiny.

You're obviously going about it the wrong way if at least 2 of the professionals round the table 'hate' you. Most people don't have time to hate others.

You've a problem and I've no idea if you're the problem but it's the only part you can control so complaining would be stupid since he makes these comments in front of other professionals.

You need to show them you're prioritising the children and their health and safety to get them off your back. I suggest you do that, anything else is just going to get them to scrutinise longer.

Clam, as far as I know they don't but I suppose it is possible, the school has been closed and I haven't seen SW with him but hey!

About the love bites? Well I don't know really, I guess that if I have them it reminds of the moment of passion in which I got them :D Its probably a reminder too that I have someone in my life who likes me enough to give me one (no pun intended!) In future I will stick to non visible ones though :D

Silverdaisy, I really have been trying, I would have thought that the SS would have realised that by ending my 8 year marriage and giving up my job (even though it would mean me being financially and mentally worse off) I had my children's best interests at heart and will do anything to keep them safe and happy :)

While he may not phrase these things well, the head as part of a CAF or CP meeting does have a duty to discuss things of concern.

It sounds like there are concerns over your choice of partner(s) and how that impacts on your child. Perhaps your dc's have made a throwaway comment that has raised concerns.

If a SW was present for these comments but has not challenged them then it sounds like it is relevant.

How do they know so much about your love life anyway?

I would get independent minutes of the meetings and change my approach if I were you - it's worrying that you think that two of the professionals hate you. It suggests a massive break down in relationships.

Also, strictly speaking all questions at these meetings should be directed via the chair (SW) and not directly to you.

You absolutely did the right thing there, but you are still on their radar. If you don't want attention then put boyfriends on hold for a bit?

Rhino, its ds1 that had the soiling problem but it seems to be largely sorted, after the disimpaction course did nothing! I really felt that it was not necessary, even without the GP's opinion, as I never felt it was a physical issue but I felt quite bullied and like I had no choice. If I made a decision about what I felt was best about my own son's health and not give it to him, I felt like they would overrule me and say I had to do it or I would 'obviously' not have his best interests at heart - that was how they made me feel :(

Ok ok, they probably don't hate me but it's just that 'vibe' I get from her, the way she speaks to me etc. Even my mum (who came to a meeting with me over the summer when she was visiting on holiday) said she was a bitch to me probably biased I know!

I'm unclear. Initially you made it sound like these were comments to you but it appears they actually formed part of the CAF meeting? If it is the latter, then I'm afraid YABU, however hard it may be to hear. That said, this is a piece of work I would expect to be discussed from the social worker between you and him/her.

Is it the ^way in which the HT mentions these things that upsets you, or the fact that he's bringing them up at all?

Obviously we don't know all the details (and please don't feel you need to tell us), but if he feels the issues are relevant in some way, then he will have discussed them with the other agencies somewhere along the line. Would you prefer it if they'd talked about it but not informed you? Better to know what they're thinking/saying than not, I would think, even if it's tough to hear.

And re: the lovebites and them being a reminder of the moment of passion. The thing is, it's also a great big signal to everyone you bump into that you've had that moment of passion. There are bound to be some people like the pervy Head who can't help themselves but mentally picturing that moment! Is that what you want? Probably best, as you say, to keep it all a bit more private, at least for the time being.

So he did the disimpaction course, and is no longer soiling - how can you be sure they are not linked and the school nurse recommended the right intervention?

Irrespective of this, you have the right to be treated with dignity and respect by ALL professionals around the table.

Intheend it is really awkward, especially with the HT because he really blows hot and cold with me, in the reception he's friendly and pleasant and then in the meetings he gives me such a verbal lashing I end up a sobbing wreck! It makes me so nervous in dealing with him because I feel like every single word I say, and even the way I look is being scrutinised and written down :(

DS2 doesn't talk so there's no way he could have said anything and like I said the dc's have not had that much contact with previous bf and none with the later one.

Silver, that's why I decided to break up with most recent person and just be single because it's more stress than I need right now, I just want to concentrate on the dc's and what they need for now :)

I am getting a bit confused by the timeline. How long have these meetings been running? When were the comments made - before school hols? Are you getting nervous as a meeting which includes school is looming? This is the ideal time to plan and practice how you are going to respond to inappropriate comments.