to be angry about the headmaster's comments about my love life and officially challenge them?

[extremepie]

Very long story but basically we are having some SS involvement at the moment due to issues surrounding exH, we split last year and he moved away so thus far I have been trying to rectify the issues mostly by myself.

I am having monthly meetings to discuss the issues with the SW and the headmaster of the school and he keeps making comments that I feel are inappropriate and irrelevant to what we are there to discuss and it makes me very uncomfortable.

I know why they might feel me being in a new relationship could be of concern but they had done all the relevant checks and there was no reason for them to worry but the headmaster keeps bringing it up! For example he has said things like:

'My staff noticed you had a love bite on your neck on xxx date'
'Your appearance on xxx date was dishevelled (implying that I had been having sex)'
'In my opinion xxx is more than a friend (this was after he questioned me about my relationship with someone who did go on to become my boyfriend but at the time was an ex work colleague and friend who was supporting me through my break up with my ex' - he was obviously saying that he didn't believe that we were just friends
'I'm concerned about how you meet new partners'

Obviously there were more comments like this and I can't remember them all, but the things he says to me just really don't seem pertinent to what we are discussing. I don't really know how to respond to him in the meetings in a way that is calm and measured rather than angry and defensive - I am getting more and more wound up about it because as far as I'm concerned it is none of his business!

He has also made a habit of being overly harsh and nasty to me in these meetings and on several occasions has made me cry with his comments but he will never do it if I have someone with me in the meetings, only when I am alone.

AIBU? Should I just accept that his invasive and personal questions are just par for the course when SS are involved or should I complain as I am really getting sick of it :(

[madwomanbackintheattic]

Use ss to campaign for a safespace for ds2. You can use their involvement to your own advantage.

[extremepie]

Can't remember who said it upthread but neither of the Dc's ever suffered injuries or anything the constant supervision thing was related to DS2's autism.

[EarthWindFire]

I presumed none of the professionals said anything to Head at the meetings because they have a lot to get through, what he says is irrelevant, but he is sposed to a share a report so they just let him do that and ignore the odd comments.

Or they could have not said anything because they don't think what he has said is irrelevant.

We really don't know enough details tbh to say either way and on CP cases for child neglect the OPs life will be under scrutiny.

[ApocalypseThen]

Or perhaps because her ds is severely autistic?! What unpleasant conjecturing, ,apocalypse and earth.

I genuinely don't see anything unpleasant in saying that children who have this level of supervision due to neglect (the OP tells us) could be severely traumatized.

[KoalaKoo]

Well, if I was in ops place, and the story was exactly as she has told it, then I would be cheesed off, annoyed, defensive at the Head's comments and some on here also.

Op did say up thread that s svs have no problem at all with her having boyfriends.

I presumed none of the professionals said anything to Head at the meetings because they have a lot to get through, what he says is irrelevant, but he is sposed to a share a report so they just let him do that and ignore the odd comments. If you think about it, from the point of view of the professionals attending, these are quick throw away comments lasting a couple of seconds. It would be off topic, and take longer to correct than leaving it.

But from ops personal point of you, since the comments are made about her, they are offensive and inappropriate from her perspective.

[Anotherchapter]

misc that's not true. There is a whole thread of of posters trying to support op then get frustrated as op wasn't really open to suggestion. op does come across as flippant and focusing on the wrong things.

Yes she does say in a few posts that she gets upset - but her attitude sometimes aggressive and nonchalant betrays that.

Yes there are a few blunt critical ones but that's what happens on AIBU. TBH I think she has had a fairly easy ride considering.

op will go away with the feeling that every one hates her and she can't do anything right because it's a reoccurring theme in some of her other posts.

You don't post in AIBU if you don't want posters blunt opinions.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

Yes I agree MyFairy there were a whole spate of posts that were a 'hate the OP pile on'. It's such a shame because the 'firm but fair' posts then get lost and lumped in with the cruel ones and the OP goes away with the impression that she is reviled by the majority and there's nothing she can do right.

[MyFairyKing]

I'm not excusing OP at all but equally, she's had some inexcusable accusations leveled at her. It runs both ways. There have been some blunt posts that have given advice and opinions but it's the ones that are just slagging her off that I object to.

[EarthWindFire]

However, I do think she is vulnerable and that when people are angry and defensive, they need our kindness more than ever.

I agree however some of things that the OP has said about other posters is not excusable.

[heraldgerald]

Yy^^
Wise words myfairy.

[MyFairyKing]

"I cannot think of any child protection issue, especially where the parent considered to be at fault is the ABSENT parent, where the head teachers observations had any relevance."

Social services are not the police. It's not about 'fault' and pointing fingers with a stern teacher look, saying "naughty parent". It's about supporting vulnerable families and putting in protective measures to prevent anything happen and for improving quality of life for children and their families. Legally, we are allowed to intervene is there is a risk of significant harm, thus accusing parents of being at fault and having caused some kind of harm is an unhelpful, blaming attitude. OP has a history of MH problems, has experienced a serious trauma (which she has posted about before) and has a son with SN. That alone could trigger the need for social services input.

I really don't give a shit if I get called the thread police or similar as I was up thread. I'm not saying I agree with the OP's every word or think that she doesn't need to make changes. However, I do think she is vulnerable and that when people are angry and defensive, they need our kindness more than ever.

[gobbynorthernbird]

Koala, parental relationships have an effect on the DC. This may be good or bad, but will need to be monitored as part of the CIN/CP plan. If there is the slightest hint that the new relationship is abusive, or even just adding to the problems in a chaotic household, there will be concerns for the children.
So, eg, the looking dishevelled (when there is a history of being consistently late to school) may suggest that the parent is again struggling to get the DC to school on time, and is staying up late to see their new partner at the expense of being able to get up on time in the morning. Other posters have said about love bites and territory marking, and how that can be a sign of control/abuse.
SS can't necessarily turn round and tell you that although there are no CP risks, you're being a bit bloody silly.

[jacks365]

Not wise to speculate like that as it is entirely possible that ds2 injured ds1 due to lack of supervision hence such strict supervision now wanted. There is no need to hint at anything more sinister.

[EarthWindFire]

Yes one DS is but the other DC is not therefore there is a reason why both children need to be in the same room as the OP.

[heraldgerald]

Or perhaps because her ds is severely autistic?! What unpleasant conjecturing, ,apocalypse and earth.

[EarthWindFire]

I agree. There must be a very good reason behind it.

[ApocalypseThen]

I suspect that if SS want the kids with the OP at all times, they must be severely traumatized.

[EarthWindFire]

But none of the other agencies in the meeting including SS had an issue with what the HM said either.

[KoalaKoo]

Even so, I still cant see the relevance, and op has told us soc svs havent got a problem with her having boyfriends.

[EarthWindFire]

I cannot think of any child protection issue, especially where the parent considered to be at fault is the ABSENT parent, where the head teachers observations had any relevance.

We don't know it was just the absent parent though.... We don't know all the details. The OP and DH seperated a year ago yet there is still very heavy involvement from multi agencies plus SS thought it was ok for the children to go and stay with the 'absent' parent recently.

It is a child neglect case therefore they all will be observing the OP.

[KoalaKoo]

Well, without the full picture we can't really comment, but surely no one can think of a situation in which soc svs would be justified in requiring a paremt to have children this age in her sight at all times. Really?? It just doesn't make sense and inhibits and restricts the children and is an invasion of the mothers privacy on the toilet for example.

Also, several posters have alluded to understanding why the Head would be justified in making the various comments about ops sex life. Perhaps I am way too naive, but whether or not you think love bites are tacky, I cannot think of any child protection issue, especially where the parent considered to be at fault is the ABSENT parent, where the head teachers observations had any relevance.

Op ,I really really think you need an advocate. Not just someone to speak up for you,but someone who can help you make sure you have understood what Soc svs are getting at.

[SlicedAndDiced]

I'm sorry you are in this situation op.

I think sometimes the truth can be hard to hear, and it is much easier to believe that the person saying it must have some sort of grudge against you. I've certainly been guilty of it myself in the past.

The way I found to deal with it was to 'forget' my thoughts that they didn't like me and actually really listen to what they were saying, and take a good hard look at myself.

And funnily enough it turned out they were absolutely right, I wasn't helping myself and it was only me that could do something about it.

Once I'd done that I couldn't really make all the excuses anymore, I couldn't lie to myself anymore either or blame every man and his dog for what was going wrong.

It is amazing how quickly someone you think is being horrible will start to cut you some slack and help you when you stop being angry/ defensive and really start listening.

I hope you manage to sort all of this out op. good luck

Oh re: original op. I don't know obviously but my impression is that if this is being said in a meeting with a variety of professionals it must be relevant. But it may just be something you don't want to hear just yet.

[MiscellaneousAssortment]

RedExpats advice about making lists is really good.

It would help you keep your eye on the goals, and also might help you see the good things you are doing. I wonder if you're actually doing alot of good things, but you're not giving yourself credit for them, and you're not communicating them to others due to the whole 'no but no but no' way of speaking about this?

Just a theory...

[Nancy66]

OP you are clearly super bright and very articulate but you're just not getting this and it reads like you have a persecution complex

It's highly unlikely that SS, the school, the nurse, the health visitor have all just taken against you for no reason. They're far too damn busy to be wasting their time.

They clearly think your parenting is lacking and that you are making poor decisions in your private life - the latter is certainly true.

You've said you are steering clear of relationships for a while. Great. Right call.

Now all you need to do is keep getting your kids to school on time, pick them up on time, keep them clean and well fed and address any health issues.

I do think the Head was a bit out of line in his questioning of you. But as you say you are content to be single for a while then it should no longer be an issue.

[wannabestressfree]

I stayed quiet after your 'my perfect life' comment but I have been following.
Your lack of insight is appalling and I am afraid will hinder you with social services. I am afraid the energy you are wasting on the conspiracy of ss etc would be better directed at your failings. Instead of targeting those you feel let your children down eg your ex you may need to address your own issues and provide stability. Ss don't persist for no reason.
I have in fact had a far from perfect life. Single mum, moving, child with mental health problems, dealing with social services but they were in no doubt where my priorities lay - and it wasn't with blokes.