to be angry about the headmaster's comments about my love life and officially challenge them?

[extremepie]

Very long story but basically we are having some SS involvement at the moment due to issues surrounding exH, we split last year and he moved away so thus far I have been trying to rectify the issues mostly by myself.

I am having monthly meetings to discuss the issues with the SW and the headmaster of the school and he keeps making comments that I feel are inappropriate and irrelevant to what we are there to discuss and it makes me very uncomfortable.

I know why they might feel me being in a new relationship could be of concern but they had done all the relevant checks and there was no reason for them to worry but the headmaster keeps bringing it up! For example he has said things like:

'My staff noticed you had a love bite on your neck on xxx date'
'Your appearance on xxx date was dishevelled (implying that I had been having sex)'
'In my opinion xxx is more than a friend (this was after he questioned me about my relationship with someone who did go on to become my boyfriend but at the time was an ex work colleague and friend who was supporting me through my break up with my ex' - he was obviously saying that he didn't believe that we were just friends
'I'm concerned about how you meet new partners'

Obviously there were more comments like this and I can't remember them all, but the things he says to me just really don't seem pertinent to what we are discussing. I don't really know how to respond to him in the meetings in a way that is calm and measured rather than angry and defensive - I am getting more and more wound up about it because as far as I'm concerned it is none of his business!

He has also made a habit of being overly harsh and nasty to me in these meetings and on several occasions has made me cry with his comments but he will never do it if I have someone with me in the meetings, only when I am alone.

AIBU? Should I just accept that his invasive and personal questions are just par for the course when SS are involved or should I complain as I am really getting sick of it :(

[Rhinosaurus]

Just an idea, I don't know how big the school is, but a lot of small village schools aren't used to attending CP meetings, and the HT may think a verbal lashing what is expected of him from the SW?

[extremepie]

MyFairy, yes it was part of a meeting.

I'm aware that they will bring up things I don't really agree with or want to hear but it's the repetition of it that bothers me, it's not just mention the concern, have a chat about it, issue resolved - it seems to come up over and over and I'm so sick of talking about it.

Rhino, because the disimpaction course was months ago and after it was finished the soiling carried on exactly how it was before! Then he and I had a long chat in the summer before his grandparents came to visit and before the went to visit his dad and the soiling miraculously stopped and has not started up again :)

[clam]

It probably doesn't come from the DCs, but perhaps indirectly from another parent/neighbour/bloke down the pub. Unsubstantiated hearsay, of course, but they can use all sorts of things to build the picture they want to see, and it may well be far from the truth.

[extremepie]

Yes the comments were made before summer hols

[Rhinosaurus]

So have these meetings been happening for months? Have they always been this bad? Surely after months there should have been enough progress to remove the child plan?

[extremepie]

Clam, it is a small village so that could be true, I also know that all my friends (school mums) stopped talking to me after I spilt with my ex and I strongly suspect it has something to do with wild rumours being spread about me but I really don't want to get involved in all that.

If they want to spread shit about me and gossip behind my back I don't care but I am only interested in facts and what is real, as should the HT :)

[extremepie]

Well I would have thought so but every time we seem to be getting close to being removed something else happens or they seem to find another thing to talk about - last time it was finding out I was raped :(

[clam]

Hmm, you see, whilst it's generally the right thing to do to not get involved in rumours and gossip, and try to rise above it, in this case it might be that those rumours are getting through to the Authorities who are taking them seriously. Whilst you've got to hope that they're professional enough to ignore wild gossip, I think it's important that you set the record straight.

[Rhinosaurus]

You being raped should only affect the plan if it impacts on your care of the children.

I think you really could do with an independent advocate if you are getting too upset to put your side across.

I guessed it was a small school. I would probably also guess that children on plans in the school are rare and the HT is inexperienced at attending these sort of meetings and the behaviour expected within.

[clam]

Oh gosh, you really have been through it!
Again, don't share if you'd rather not, but depending on when this happened, they might need to reassure themselves that the children, and YOU, are safe now.

[extremepie]

I'm not sure if they have been spreading rumours or not, no way to find out really and I don't want to look overly paranoid :/

[extremepie]

We are all definitely safe now, the police have been really good at installing security so we're all fine but I think it was the impact on my mental health they were worrying about :/

[clam]

Do you not think that they're just concerned for you, perhaps? For all they know, it might well have had an impact on your mental health.

And do they know that you now have effective security? Although, that security won't help you if, as they might think, you're allowing a range of, in their minds, un-vetted partners in. (I'm not saying you are, but you can see their train of thought!)

[EarthWindFire]

I'm confused. You broke up with bf just before summer holidays and then saw someone over the summer and you are now single. Is that right?

Are you sure the DCs haven't said something?

[extremepie]

Yes, they do know about the security :)

I have told them that currently my MH is fine but they don't seem to believe me, they want me to make a doctor's appointment for next week when the kids go back to school but I don't even know what to say!

'So why have you come to see me'
'SS think I have MH issues but I don't, I'm here anyway because they will tell me off it I don't'
'ok......'

[extremepie]

Yep Earth - fairly sure but I suppose its possible

[Caterpillarmum]

Sorry Op, but I think I would be a lot more concerned about the fact I was having to meet with social services to sort out my child's well being than my own hurt feelings.

I think dismissing the Headmaster's comments as fuelled by village gossip is naive and missing the point.

The man has a legitimate reason to raise concerns if he feels necessary and clearly in this case he feels there is sufficient reason to do so, whether you agree or not. If your children have been traumatised by their fathers past actions then they are very sensitive to their current surroundings. Love bites don't send a great message to them about stable relationships. If your ex was violent or you were the victim of sexual violence, by seeing bruising on you they may on some level start associating relationships with violence and think this is the norm. Or they may develop feelings of anxiety about your well being that make them feel more unsettled. Try to see it from their point of view.

I would focus on working with SS to sort out the situation rather than starting a battle with the headmaster. The children are and must be the priority at this stage, sound like they've been through enough.

[extremepie]

There were never any violence issues with exH, they dont know about the other incident.

[grocklebox]

there is obviously a lot more to this than you are saying,no violence issues but ongoing monthly meetings with multiple professional involvement....there has to be serious safety concerns for your children for there to be this level of interaction. And your level of defensiveness and feelings of personal persecution say more.
Ignoring all the red herrings, the simple answer is to stop advertising your sex life at the school, stop talking about your boyfriends, and engage on a more professional level.

[extremepie]

I dont talk about them unless they ask! I dont even have one at the moment so nothing to talk about anyway :D

[grocklebox]

And again, they wouldn't be asking if you hadn't been indiscreet in the first place. Can you really not see your own role here?

[steff13]

It's probably best that you stay single while this is going on. Unfortunately, as long as CPS is involved, your whole life will be under a microscope, I think that's just the way it has to be. And if they want you to go to the doctor, go to the doctor, even if you think it's not necessary. Tell them you need a MH assessment, they can inform CPS that you're cooperating and that your MH is fine.

[Dinosaurporn]

I remember how upset you were when you split with your BF. I think given your reaction to splitting up, the SS & HT have a right to ask about your relationships and to bring attention to any issues they might cause your DC's...

[Dinosaurporn]

*might cause your DC's upset...

[Bulbasaur]

Sorry to be blunt, but if you just got out of an abusive relationship and CPS are now involved, it doesn't say much about your choice in men. Typically, women go from abusive boyfriend to abusive boyfriend. Whether your new lover is abusive or not has yet to be seen. But I'm sure you can see why this would be a problem or cause for concern.

Your children have already been traumatized by your last relationship. There is very good reason to be concerned about a new one.

While the investigation is going on, I'd be putting your relationship on hold and making sure that you're doing everything you can to cooperate. Get a MH evaluation and show them a clean bill of health, or if something comes up on the test that you're getting treatment.

But, the HT is not part of the investigation and therefore you do not answer to him. I'd be getting a solicitor right about now, some of this doesn't sound legal. Why is the HT allowed to keep asking you questions. That should be for SS alone.