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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to be angry about the headmaster's comments about my love life and officially challenge them?

395 replies

extremepie · 02/09/2014 20:36

Very long story but basically we are having some SS involvement at the moment due to issues surrounding exH, we split last year and he moved away so thus far I have been trying to rectify the issues mostly by myself.

I am having monthly meetings to discuss the issues with the SW and the headmaster of the school and he keeps making comments that I feel are inappropriate and irrelevant to what we are there to discuss and it makes me very uncomfortable.

I know why they might feel me being in a new relationship could be of concern but they had done all the relevant checks and there was no reason for them to worry but the headmaster keeps bringing it up! For example he has said things like:

'My staff noticed you had a love bite on your neck on xxx date'
'Your appearance on xxx date was dishevelled (implying that I had been having sex)'
'In my opinion xxx is more than a friend (this was after he questioned me about my relationship with someone who did go on to become my boyfriend but at the time was an ex work colleague and friend who was supporting me through my break up with my ex' - he was obviously saying that he didn't believe that we were just friends
'I'm concerned about how you meet new partners'

Obviously there were more comments like this and I can't remember them all, but the things he says to me just really don't seem pertinent to what we are discussing. I don't really know how to respond to him in the meetings in a way that is calm and measured rather than angry and defensive - I am getting more and more wound up about it because as far as I'm concerned it is none of his business!

He has also made a habit of being overly harsh and nasty to me in these meetings and on several occasions has made me cry with his comments but he will never do it if I have someone with me in the meetings, only when I am alone.

AIBU? Should I just accept that his invasive and personal questions are just par for the course when SS are involved or should I complain as I am really getting sick of it :(

OP posts:
lordnoobson · 02/09/2014 21:25

but teachers do CAF meetings ALL THE TIME, and if you look at this it is the kind of thing you have to note.

I would have mentioned it more tactfully/diffferently than how the OP says it came across.

strawberrysummer · 02/09/2014 21:25

Yes, lord

Why do you ask?

I am one of the designated CPO in a large secondary school and cannot imagine a context where I would ever, ever make the above comments to a parent.

I might make them to a social worker - in far more appropriate language - but certainly never to a parent in an accusatory tone!

Frontier · 02/09/2014 21:26

Have I read it wrong then? Seems to me that the HT is raising these issues in meetings with the OP, SW and (possibly) other professionals. He's not dealing with it only in the capacity of HT but as a part of a CAF meeting. SW could be asking the same questions, based on what HT has told him/her but HT is doing it, as he has the information first hand.

Agree it would be inappropriate if it was only OP and HT in the room, but from what OP said in her 2nd post, I don't think it is.

tethersend · 02/09/2014 21:27

"its not just about education in a CAF though, tethers"

Indeed- but the school's remit is clear. Multi-agency work requires each agency to operate within established systems to build up a clear picture of the situations. Schools' focus must be on how issues impact on the children's learning and well-being.

The head needs to raise his concerns, but not in this way with the parent. Not least for the reasons strawberry gives.

Silverdaisy · 02/09/2014 21:27

Like others have said, there is too much we don't know about your situation.

So in my opinion (based on the facts written). Monthly meetings mean, the case is still quite high profile.

The interest in love life, suggests they have concerns in you being able to choose appropriate partners.

Sw and the school are primarily there to protect the child. Are there any advocacy agencies in your area that can help you articulate your point of view.

mommy2ash · 02/09/2014 21:28

obviously there is a reason the head is concerned. maybe speak to your social worker to ask if his concerns are valid or not. if they have good reason to worry about your love life then listen to what they say. once you have social services involved you really Need to draw as little attention to yourself as possible. although it doesn't affect your children's care turning up to the school with love bites doesn't look good.

tethersend · 02/09/2014 21:30

OP, who is chairing these meetings? Are they CAF meetings?

Downamongtherednecks · 02/09/2014 21:30

The head is being inappropriate and sexist, but as other posters have said, you cannot call him out on it. I would have an arsenal of ready-made phrases which mean nothing, but sound conciliatory, such as "Thank you for your concern", and "I appreciate you are trying to help". He's in the wrong, but he will get you back if you try to do anything about it, I'm afraid. Also, take someone else along to the meetings for moral support, and also as a witness that he is being, frankly, weird.

strawberrysummer · 02/09/2014 21:34

It might not look good, but then that also applies to a myriad of other things parents do.

That doesn't mean it's appropriate or polite to pass comment and judgement on them to the parent in question! Half of ours have body odour, decaying teeth, smoke and turn up in their PJs.

That still does NOT give me, or any other teacher, the right to comment upon this to them.

That doesn't mean information shouldn't be passed on, but this should be done professionally.

Original poster
extremepie · 02/09/2014 21:35

Hurr1cane, it made me laugh to read your post but basically yes that is what he makes me seem like, which is completely different to reality!

Peachy, I really seriously doubt that is the case, he's married with 4 kids!

He did try to compare our situations once, basically saying 'If I can do it so can you' and yet I am a single parent to 2 dc's, one of whom has borderline severe ASD, have no family or friends support and don't drive and he has 4 kids, a wife, they both have good jobs and both drive. Not remotely the same to me!

I do feel that he is judging me about everything, but particularly about my relationships/friendships with men. Every little thing gets picked up on and commented about :(

OP posts:
DaisyFlowerChain · 02/09/2014 21:35

"Have I read it wrong then? Seems to me that the HT is raising these issues in meetings with the OP, SW and (possibly) other professionals. He's not dealing with it only in the capacity of HT but as a part of a CAF meeting. SW could be asking the same questions, based on what HT has told him/her but HT is doing it, as he has the information first hand.

Agree it would be inappropriate if it was only OP and HT in the room, but from what OP said in her 2nd post, I don't think it is."

That's how I read it too. If the head was acting out of line the SW or another professional would have said something. There are usually a few different agencies involved and such regular meetings indicate it's high up on the case list.

ImATotJeSuisUneTot · 02/09/2014 21:37

HT has ALL the info about your situation.

SW has ALL the info.

We just know it's something to do with your ex - it could be a whole host of ugly reasons.

For that reason we can't say if these comments are appropriate - you haven't given us all the information they are privy to. Which is fine, but biased.

DaisyFlowerChain · 02/09/2014 21:39

How many relationships/friendships with men are there though? You mentioned one partner since the ex left that had been introduced to your children so presumably was long term but now it's changed to men.

Are you giving them reason to pick up on things?

SS, HVs etc are seen as the bad guys despite most of them simply wanting to protect the children involved.

grocklebox · 02/09/2014 21:41

There are other professionals there who have noticed/said nothing? Why does the school know so much about your love life? Sounds like you are being rather inappropriate yourself.

You seem to have rather extensive social services involvement and a somewhat chaotic environment. Do you really want to add this to the mix? Maybe both the HT and you should be focusing more on the children and less on hickeys and other such unsavoury matters that really have no place in the school.

Original poster
extremepie · 02/09/2014 21:43

Tether yes, it used to be the educational psychologist chairing the meetings but I think it's been changed to ds2's class teacher now.

Usually when he makes these comments its in meetings with the SW, ed psych (if she's there), school nurse (who also hates me) and class teachers but no one ever challenges him about it even though no one ever agrees with him or mentions it other than him.

OP posts:
PicandMinx · 02/09/2014 21:48

Why does the school nurse hate you?

Original poster
extremepie · 02/09/2014 21:48

Grockle - because they asked after the HT brought it up? Its not like I go around giving them details!

Daisy, there has only been one. As far as I'm aware I'm not giving them any reason to raise a red flag.

ImATot, the short version is ex was neglectful, he was a sahd and the main carer for the dc's and when I went away for work it escalated. I obviously did not realise the extent of things until SW had gotten involved, I gave exH the opportunity to change and when he didn't I ended it and gave up my job to look after dc's myself.

OP posts:
grocklebox · 02/09/2014 21:55

he can't have said anything about it if he didn't know,could he? So how did he know?
Why does anyone at the school know anything about your love life? Apart from you advertising it on your neck.....

Original poster
extremepie · 02/09/2014 21:56

Pic, I honestly don't know but I think its because she thinks I don't take enough care over the dc's health, which is stupid because I do and I have followed all the health advice they have given me!

Among other things;

I was new to the area I moved to and she was annoyed that I had not instantly made them appointments with a dentist and optician even though neither of them had any issues to be checked in these areas.

DS1 had an ongoing soiling issue which I was convinced was behavioural rather than medical and she insisted that he go on a disimpaction course of medication when I had taken him to a GP and the GP told me he wasn't impacted and didn't need the course.

OP posts:
Original poster
extremepie · 02/09/2014 21:58

Grockle, so is it illegal to get a love bite from a partner you are in a relationship with in the heat of the moment? I wasn't aware that it was!

OP posts:
Rhinosaurus · 02/09/2014 22:00

Is this a CAF that has escalated to child in need or child protection plan? - highly unusual for an SW to be chairing a CAF.

If it is in the CIN/CP arena, it is always stressed the meetings should be non judgemental and child focused, I would say the HT is being inappropriate - if the SW had already checked the partner, the love bite was irrelevant to the child plan. I would also say that as chair, the SW should have told the HT that his comments were inappropriate and moved the meeting on.

grocklebox · 02/09/2014 22:01

Who said it was illegal? If you are that defensive in the meetings no wonder someone is commenting. You dont actually answer the question. How can the HT comment on your love life unless you are sharing inappropriately?

Original poster
extremepie · 02/09/2014 22:03

Rhino, yes it is.

I have actually raised the issue with the SW in private and told her that I find his comments inappropriate and unhelpful and feel that he is very judgemental but so far she has not, as far as I'm aware, raised it with him. Unless she has and he just ignored her?

OP posts:
Frontier · 02/09/2014 22:06

What was the SW's response when you raised it with her?

Grockle didn't say a lovebite is illegal, nothing of the sort, but I'm sorry, as I said earlier, it does say quite a bit about the man leaving his mark on you like that. Most of the women at any given school are in relationships - they don't often turn up with lovebites.

tethersend · 02/09/2014 22:06

What did the SW say to you when you raised it with her?