to be angry about the headmaster's comments about my love life and officially challenge them?

[extremepie]

Very long story but basically we are having some SS involvement at the moment due to issues surrounding exH, we split last year and he moved away so thus far I have been trying to rectify the issues mostly by myself.

I am having monthly meetings to discuss the issues with the SW and the headmaster of the school and he keeps making comments that I feel are inappropriate and irrelevant to what we are there to discuss and it makes me very uncomfortable.

I know why they might feel me being in a new relationship could be of concern but they had done all the relevant checks and there was no reason for them to worry but the headmaster keeps bringing it up! For example he has said things like:

'My staff noticed you had a love bite on your neck on xxx date'
'Your appearance on xxx date was dishevelled (implying that I had been having sex)'
'In my opinion xxx is more than a friend (this was after he questioned me about my relationship with someone who did go on to become my boyfriend but at the time was an ex work colleague and friend who was supporting me through my break up with my ex' - he was obviously saying that he didn't believe that we were just friends
'I'm concerned about how you meet new partners'

Obviously there were more comments like this and I can't remember them all, but the things he says to me just really don't seem pertinent to what we are discussing. I don't really know how to respond to him in the meetings in a way that is calm and measured rather than angry and defensive - I am getting more and more wound up about it because as far as I'm concerned it is none of his business!

He has also made a habit of being overly harsh and nasty to me in these meetings and on several occasions has made me cry with his comments but he will never do it if I have someone with me in the meetings, only when I am alone.

AIBU? Should I just accept that his invasive and personal questions are just par for the course when SS are involved or should I complain as I am really getting sick of it :(

[lordnoobson]

they probably are working witht eh family. It is a REALLY fine line between looking after the kids and supporting the parents

[lordnoobson]

I dont think the op can or should give us any more information tbh. Agree about taking someone else in.
SOunds like there is some history about previous partners

[extremepie]

The only relationship I had was with someone who I had met at work, who started off as purely friendly as he also had a gf when we met. I knew him for 6 months before me & ex even broke up and we didn't become a couple until months after me & ex split.

As for his 'concern' about how I meet new partners, I honestly don't know why he even brought that up as I told them that I had met him at work! At first he would only come round after work when the dc's were asleep so they never saw him but he has a son too so eventually my dc's met his etc. He has only ever been alone with them maybe once or twice for half an hour or less!

[polkadotsrock]

If I was in school and my mum had a noticeable lovebite I would be mortified that she collected me with it on show. It, rightly or wrongly, doesn't send out a good message, even in a loving relationship. I don't find the comments inappropriate and I think they are relevant but if it is interfering with what you feel to be the main issue then you should certainly say so.

[extremepie]

Apparently the love bite was 'noted' by a member of his staff and obviously reported back to his, as if that is some sort of crime ffs!

I didn't even realise I had it tbh so it couldn't have been that bad!

[Hurr1cane]

So you broke up with your ex who I presume wasn't very nice, got support, fell for the man who supported you, didn't involve the children until you were established and don't leave the children with him.

From what the headteacher says it sounds like you're bringing home a new man to your children every week and shagging them in the bush on the way to pick up your children.

Yes make a formal complaint.

You don't want the notes to portray you as the head is making you sound.

[MimiSunshine]

Without knowing all details it's difficult to judge, however if SS involvement is due to ExH issues and not specifically your parenting then I would say he is taking his role in all of this too far.
After all surely he should be commenting / reporting on issues etc regarding your son in school? It's your son who is his concern, not you.

Take someone to support you when you can and the rest of the time turn his "observations" back on him.
If his comments aren't relevant to the point then say so, be polite but slightly puzzled and say 'I'm sorry I thought we were discussing X, I'm not sure the relevance'

Or, you felt I looked disheveled? In what way? Then say oh right well I guess we all have off days don't we (little laugh)

He seems to have forgotten he isn't supposed to be sitting in judgement of you. Any questions you feel are in appropriate then turn back to him and ask why he asks / feels that's relevant. I'm betting he won't like it and you'll be raising it without actually raising it IYSWIM?

[Hurr1cane]

Next time (if you're determined to get more love bites, I think they're grim)

Say you had a reaction to your perfume. I had one once. It was horrible it looked just like a love bite and I wore scarves for a week.

[DaisyFlowerChain]

If SS are involved then there are concerns regarding the children. So mums appearance and new men will feature in conversations as it's part of the wider picture.

The context of the comments or the conversations are not known, they may be totally relevant or the child may have said something to staff member.

[Dontwanttobeyourmonkeywench]

I would turn it round and ask what relevance the comment had to what was being discussed. Ask why he is concerned and get the sw to clarify if they have concerns. If it has no relevance then point it out.

[lordnoobson]

agree with everyone else
Ask for relevance .

[LiberalLibertines]

Hmmmmm, it's a tough one, because I had a close friend who'd come out of a very abusive relationship. The ss kept a very close eye on her subsequent boyfriends, who did actually turn out to be nothing but trouble.

They need to know the kids aren't being put through the mill don't they?

But yes,I would have thought that was for your social worker to decide.

[strawberrysummer]

The point is, if these comments are in any way relevant, they should be passed on from the HT to SS, NOT made to the mum directly.

It is extremely rude and inappropriate. The HT's job is to manage the education of the OP's son or daughter not pass judgement on her appearance.

[Frontier]

Not sure it's the HT's place but I do think the lovebite is relevant in the context of a CP meeting - a man who knows what mum is going through with the children, leaving his mark on her like that says quite a lot about the man IMO.

Equally, his opinion about the friend being more than a friend (which turned out to be correct) is relevant if there are concerns about mum having a new partner.

As I said, it surprises me that the HT rather than SW is raising it but it sounds like it was in a meeting when SW was there, so perhaps it was something they'd discussed beforehand. Also, HT has more day to day contact with you and your children, so is perhaps better placed to notice things.

But, yes agree, take someone with you and ask him why his questions are relevant.

[tethersend]

This is wholly inappropriate.

If the head has concerns, he needs to report them to your/your children's SW. He is not a social worker, and should not be behaving as such. He does not have the training to tackle you about concerns in this way, even if his concerns are valid (I'm not suggesting that they are).

You need to speak to the SW and explain that you do not feel comfortable being in meetings without him/her and that you need them to step in when the head starts making comments. Discuss with them appropriate ways to end meetings if more personal comments are made.

Reminding the head that the focus of his input at the meetings should be the children's educational progress and wellbeing at school needs to happen, but I think it is the SW who needs to do this. Is the SW intimidated by the head?

[lordnoobson]

its not just about education in a CAF though, tethers

[DaisyFlowerChain]

I disagree strawberry. Yes the school is there to educate the child but the HT has a duty to pass on any relevant info to SS. How can they have the whole picture without it?

If a parent turned up drunk etc should the head ignore it as they have educated the child for the day?

A new partner in a household where SS are involved will always be flagged. They want to ensure it's having no detrimental impact on the situation or the children. However I thought the OP had split with him recently so there shouldn't be any comments now to be made with regards to men.

[PeachyParisian]

Any chance he fancies you and his jealously is aggressive?

[strawberrysummer]

Tethers is quite right. Although it isn't just about education, the point is still that the headteacher is not only being highly inappropriate in bringing up matters relating to the OP's personal appearance, he is actually risking the welfare of the child - hypothetically, the OP could well start to hide and disguise relevant information preventing SS from having a full picture.

She could also be tempted to remove the child from school altogether.

[lordnoobson]

strawberry have you ever done pastoral work at this level?

[Sickoffrozen]

I think without knowing the full back history on this one, it's difficult to judge either way. I think the majority of teachers are most concerned with the welfare of their pupils.

[strawberrysummer]

I am not for a moment stating the head should ignore it.

I am, however, saying it is not the head's place to decide to address this with the parent.

To give another example, a care assistant might notice a patient is drooping slightly but her job then is to urgently notify the doctors and nurses not to decide to medicate the patient herself. The former example is her duty of care, the latter completely inappropriate. That's effectively similar to what the headteacher is doing - and frankly he should know better.

Disgraceful behaviour.

[IcecreamWhatSandwich]

I think it is completely inappropriate and tbh it sounds like the headmaster is either some kind of perv or completely misguided about what his child protection role entails.

However, in the circumstances you should be very careful about how you challenge it. Bring someone with you, make notes, and ask him on what basis he is questioning you if anything like this comes up again. You could also try talking to the SW if you think they are sympathetic. Let them know exactly what your relationship status is, tell them you are perfectly happy to be open with them as you understand why they have to know, but ask them if it is possible to not include the headteacher in the conversation. If they agree, you can make this clear to him next time he asks you about this with the SW present.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Very inappropriate, saying this when you are Alone, treating you differently when you have somebody with you is not on. I woukd report him. Looking dishevelled, most parents look dishevelled if tgey have young chikdren. I get my kids ready for school, I'm the last one and just throw on some clothes and wash when I get back from tge school run.