to be angry about the headmaster's comments about my love life and officially challenge them?

[extremepie]

Very long story but basically we are having some SS involvement at the moment due to issues surrounding exH, we split last year and he moved away so thus far I have been trying to rectify the issues mostly by myself.

I am having monthly meetings to discuss the issues with the SW and the headmaster of the school and he keeps making comments that I feel are inappropriate and irrelevant to what we are there to discuss and it makes me very uncomfortable.

I know why they might feel me being in a new relationship could be of concern but they had done all the relevant checks and there was no reason for them to worry but the headmaster keeps bringing it up! For example he has said things like:

'My staff noticed you had a love bite on your neck on xxx date'
'Your appearance on xxx date was dishevelled (implying that I had been having sex)'
'In my opinion xxx is more than a friend (this was after he questioned me about my relationship with someone who did go on to become my boyfriend but at the time was an ex work colleague and friend who was supporting me through my break up with my ex' - he was obviously saying that he didn't believe that we were just friends
'I'm concerned about how you meet new partners'

Obviously there were more comments like this and I can't remember them all, but the things he says to me just really don't seem pertinent to what we are discussing. I don't really know how to respond to him in the meetings in a way that is calm and measured rather than angry and defensive - I am getting more and more wound up about it because as far as I'm concerned it is none of his business!

He has also made a habit of being overly harsh and nasty to me in these meetings and on several occasions has made me cry with his comments but he will never do it if I have someone with me in the meetings, only when I am alone.

AIBU? Should I just accept that his invasive and personal questions are just par for the course when SS are involved or should I complain as I am really getting sick of it :(

[extremepie]

Well, yeah my judgement hasnt been great in the past but that is why I am intentionally single at the moment :)

I've not really had many bf's so I can't really say if I am repeating that pattern or not, neither ex was abusive as such but I don't intend to get into anything else until this is all over with!

I will, of course, go to he GP but I just dont really know what I'm going to say, it'll be an awkward conversation

[steff13]

Just tell the doctor that you are working with CPS, and that they have requested that you have a MH evaluation. I'm sure he/she will either do that for you or refer you to someone who can.

[gingercat2]

It sounds like you are doing your best in a really tough situation. I think the head teacher's comments are very inappropriate.

[Tiptops]

grockle Your comments on this thread have been condescending, rude and out of line.

OP: I agree with PP in how you tackle this, make notes and repeat questions back to the HT, and always have an advocate with you at any meetings. Hopefully this will help you feel more empowered, and provide a focus if you are feeling tearful and need to stabilise yourself.

His comments in the context you describe are inappropriate. Looking 'dishevelled' on one occasion is certainly not a cause for concern, I'm surprised he even thought it appropriate to mention. Even if he felt it was relevant, it is inappropriate to confront you in an accusationary tone. Very unprofessional. I can see why the love bite has been noticed, but he should be sharing that information with the other professionals involved, not berating you directly.

[Lee32]

Just sounds like sexual harrassment to me, cowering beneath a cloak of officialdom. This is abusive behaviour and it may well go on getting worse unless it's challenged.

If it happened to me, I would seek independent legal advice from a non-interested outside party, just so I knew what ground I was standing on. I don't know how much you can do, but I would sure as hell find out. He is being unprofessional and a bully, which certainly doesn't benefit your child. And he isn't going to stop unless some outside force makes him.

[EarthWindFire]

The problem is we don't know all of the details. We don't know for certain that the DC haven't said anything.

I also remember how you reacted/felt when you split up with your bf a few weeks ago and you've had another relationship since.

I think it's right as pp have said, for such heavy multi agency involvement there is a lot going on here that we don't know about and therefore the HT remarks can only be taken into account within the whole picture. Especially as there were lots of other agencies at the meeting and no one else said that what was said was wrong.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Echoing Earth and others here but we don't know the circumstances behind the meetings so we do not know whether the questions are appropriate or not.

[Itsfab]

The fact he is saying these things in front of other "professionals" does not mean it is fine to say them. It just means they are just as much in the wrong or they are scared of saying anything.

If the SW isn't do anything, go higher. Sometimes people don't do their jobs. It doesn't mean that what they have been told isn't actionable.

[MyFairyKing]

Having thought about this more, I do think it is inappropriate for it being brought up in the meeting. The HT should be speaking to the SW and then it is her (or his) role to be communicating this with you and assessing risk. I chair professionals meetings (SW but not in this field atm) and I think I would contain the manner in which this is discussed. OP is entitled to privacy and does not have to disclose personal details in this way.

extreme I recall a previous thread of yours where you were exceptionally distressed and I know there is an extensive posting history where you have shared some of what you've been through. I would be concerned for your welfare and would query if you were vulnerable with regards to being in a new relationship after the trauma you've been through. I am absolutely not blaming you for what you've been through but sometimes our experiences make us emotionally vulnerable and you have a lot to be coping with. If you have a decent relationship with your SW, speak to them and see how these CAF meetings can be managed in a way that you don't feel attacked or even more vulnerable. I assume there is an advocacy service in your area and I would suggest you get in touch and hopefully they will provide someone to attend the meetings with you. From being a mental health service user myself, I know that professionals meetings can often feel like it's them against you.

[MyFairyKing]

P.S. excuse my appalling grammar and general rambling, barely slept last night!

[EarthWindFire]

does not mean it is fine to say them

Of course it doesn't but as I have said there is a lot that we don't know and whether it not it was inappropriate would need to be looked at within this context and not as a snapshot.

[Rhinosaurus]

I think you have to question WHY your children are still on a plan after months - social care do not do this on a whim, there is usually solid evidence and only happens after a thorough assessment. The fact the HT said you have a lovebite will not affect if your children remain on a plan or not. Relationships with unsuitable partners will.

The whole aim of a plan is to get the standard of care to a level where the plan can be removed, no professionals want to see children on a plan for months/years.

It may be that you are minimising and in denial how past/current events are impacting on your children or have a lack of insight into the risks to the children - without more information why they went on a plan/have remained on one for so long it is difficult to advise you.

[LiberalLibertines]

Tiptops nothing new there then.

[grocklebox]

or maybe its just getting to the point without fannying around with pleasantries. Like many people who post on here, OP needs a straight answer from someone who doesn't know her and doesn't need to be accomodating and polite. Her perspective is skewed and straight talking is the only useful response.

[Anotherchapter]

I don't think op is disclosing everything and some of her posts have a nonchalant tone.

If my kids were under SS I'd be lot more fucking serious. I would t be parading round with a love bite, I'd at least try and cover it up. Advertising you have new boyfriend/s shows that your dc are not at the fore front off your priorities. I'd be going to the school looking as smart as possible as well as the kids.

If I can read this through your posts op I'm sure the SS/HT can see it in RL.

I'm sorry op bt I think you gave a lot more to sorry about than the HT comments when it seems the authorities are siding with his views.

[jellybelly701]

I'm on the fence with this one, I too remember your post just a few weeks back after you broke up with your ex. Less than 24 hours after the break up you was wanting to request benzo's, that IS a very very extreme reaction given the timescale so I can understand why he is dubious about you starting another relationship so quickly.

Having said that, the fact he has been writing down the dates he thinks you have been having sex strikes me as very odd and frankly rather creepy. I doubt I would feel comfortable being around him if I'm honest.

I would record or write down all of his comments and questions in the future and give them to your SW.

[Wickeddevil]

OP I am sorry that you are having to deal with this, and good on you for you are putting your child first, even when it has had an impact on your own situation. I think you are right to do this.

I am interested in your reaction to the love bite. As an adult you know how love bites are perceived and judged by others. You have choices here. You can choose to say no to a partner who wishes to mark you in such a way. You could also have chosen to cover the love bite up. Instead you chose to allow others to see this visible mark.

Are you able to explain what was behind your thinking ? Do you think at some level you wanted the school run mums to know you were no longer single? From your description, I have a picture of a small village school with perhaps few single Mums.

[extremepie]

I know they have their reasons for keeping the dc's on a plan but as far as I'm concerned they are not very good reasons! Obviously I am biased and I appriciate that my opinion can't necessarily be taken into account but I know I have tried and am trying really hard to do as they ask but it feels like they are constantly moving the goalposts :(

I did post about the break up with bf as he cheated on me with a 17yr old who he met on the internet and had known less than a day, she then went on to taunt me by posting smiley selfies of them all over FB and messaging me how she had just fucked him :( Understandably I was very upset but that was a one off so I don't think they should be worried about repeat episodes.

I'm not sure if I should tell them I've decided to be single, on the one hand I think it might help as it would show I'm putting the dc's first and getting rid of any distractions but on the other I don't want to divulge any more personal details than I absolutely have to :/

[LiberalLibertines]

Tell your sw definitely, just say under the circumstances you want to concentrate on the dc.

Also tell her how uncomfortable the HT and his writings and comments are making you.

[extremepie]

Wicked - I honestly don't care if anyone at the school knows if I'm single or not, it's none of their business and none of them really talk to me anyway :( I didn't even realise I had one at the time which is why I made no attempt to cover it, from what I remember it was round the side, almost at the back of my neck so not exactly the most obvious position ever :/

Another - I think that's very judgemental of you given you don't really know me or my situation, I'm not fucking stupid I know it's serious but sitting in a pool of tears all day every day thinking about how serious it is will just push me over the edge into a black pit of depression from which I may not escape. So I try to keep myself as upbeat and positive as possible, it's the only way I can cope with it!

[LiberalLibertines]

*questions

[Anotherchapter]

Only tell them you are single if you are going to stay that way.

I think you absolutely need to stay single as your not making very good judgments about men at the moment.

How old are you op?

[Anotherchapter]

op I don't mean to upset you - honestly I don't. It's just the smiley faces on your posts lead me to believe that you wasn't taking it seriously.

Could the authorities think this too?

If you are down then maybe that's why they are suggesting you go yo see your GP

[tittifilarious]

Op, rightly you do not want to share specific information, but that makes it hard to know if HT is BU.

Are these meetings minuted? Each time HT makes a remark you feel is inappropriate, say to the Chair directly "can you explain how that question is relevant?" or "is it appropriate for him to ask me that?". The question may still stand, but at least you will get an idea of whether the other professionals in the room think the HT is overstepping the mark.

You're right to be wary of being defensive.

[EarthWindFire]

I agree with Another only tell them if you mean it. You have had another relationship your break up a few weeks ago I do remember the thread quite well.

Don't tell them if you plan on meeting someone anytime soon.