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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask whether anyone has regretted having a third DC?

117 replies

Shardlakelover · 28/08/2014 21:41

I keep wondering about having a third DC. My heart says yes; my head says absolutely no way due to not liking being pregnant, the sleep deprivation, the expense, fact we would need to move house, the exhaustion caused by small children etc. But I wonder if I will always regret not having a third DC. (The gap between my youngest and another DC would be around three years. We could afford it but would have to cut back on luxuries.) Can I ask whether anyone has had a third DC and regretted it? Or not had a third DC and regretted it?

OP posts:

StripyBanana · 28/08/2014 21:48

We've not had a third dc despite my almkst constant broodiness.

now dc2 is nearly 3 its turned out to be the best decision ever (for us) and I'd be v anxious if I fell pregnant. I love the energy and time I have for the other 2 dc , that its easy now to go out as a family (and no nappies/buggies.) They play together well and seeing families around me woth 3/4 makes me.v grateful I have 2!!

That said the bigger families have a lot more resources, bigger house, supportive family and may well have regretted not having the extra one!!

StripyBanana · 28/08/2014 21:49

I think also if I had 3 id need 4 to avoid a middle child...

combust22 · 28/08/2014 21:52

I had thought about a third, my OH was dead against it, but now my kids are teenagers I am very glad I stopped at two.
There is the expense factor, bigger house, holidays activities etc,= so many things are based around a family of 4. but also that the more kids you have the less attention and time they have from parents.
I feel my two children have benefitted from and certainly enjoyed a lot of time and attention from me and OH.

Itsfab · 28/08/2014 21:57

I have three. It should have been four as I was expecting twins.

Life is hard with three. Partly because I had PND again, because I am not very good at parenting, because I have no family or friends and because we have had some unexpected difficulties with the children which have had a monetary and emotional effect on us. There would still have happened without the third child but with three the expense is times three and not two and that has added five figures to the bill.

When one is elsewhere it is so much easier. Any combination of the two it is easier. I love my third child. I am very protective of him. He is my heart. But there is no denying things would be easier without him but we feel like a family now and I wouldn't be without him.

There are other things I could say to try and explain what is inside my head but you would all think I was even more crazy than you already do.

If I had had the power to see into the future I would still have had him.

Loudandtothepoint · 28/08/2014 21:57

I always wanted a 3rd dc. dh didn't. we had two dd's under 4 plus an 11yo step daughter. Having another dc was impractical. financially, emotionally etc etc. He was booked in for the snip. I had resigned myself to the sensiblesness of his arguments and always feeling slightly incomplete.

I have mild rheumatoid arthritis. The only time I don't wake up with sore hands is when I am pregnant. xmas day 2013 I woke up without sore hands. I tested. I was pregnant.

ds1 turns 1 year old on Monday. It had been exhausting. I am 40 years old and have 3 children under 5 but I would not swap him for the world. The house is too small and I now drive a truck (kia sedona) and peace and quiet is but a dream but I love it and an so glad that somehow life found a way.

dh was slightly horrified when I told him we were having dc3 but he got used to the idea over the course of my pregnancy and I don't think regrets having him at all now.

dementedma · 28/08/2014 22:02

Yes. I love dc3 dearly but there is a big gap. Dcs 1 and 2 are in their 20s and DC 3 is only 12. Without dc3 I might be able to cut loose and have some freedom by now.

LetTheRiverAnswer · 28/08/2014 22:04

I don't regret my (surprise) third in that I love him, he's here, he's wonderful and in many ways I like the dynamic between my three boys (ds3 is a very happy and easygoing nature, and his personalitu is between ds1 and ds2, who are very different, so he's a bit of a bridge in their relationship), but there are certainly times I regret having three. Days out that I could manage with 2 seem too complicated with 3. It limits were I can take the 5 yo as I have 2 small children in tow. I can't take them swimming, we won't be able to share a family room in hotels once he's out of the travel cot as few places do 5 bedded rooms,.I can't take them out on their bikes because of the logistics of managing 3 small children with only 2 hands... non of it is very significant, but it does all add up and feel limiting sometimes. I supppose that side of things will get better once the youngest is out of toddlerhood though.
But what really shocks me is that, hard as it is,and despite frequently thinking "this would be so much easier if I only had two", I'm still not really past being broody! Even being constantly slightly overwhlemed by the number of children hasn't cured me of that.

SurfBoredCat · 28/08/2014 22:06

I had an (unexpected) DC3 and I am so glad I did.
I sometimes worry that they all miss out on things because there's three of them (not financially but emotionally) but I balance that with what they gain from having each other.
They do fight and bicker but they also love each other and stick up for each other and the eldest two describe each other as 'best friends' (youngest is only 20 months old)
He was the easiest baby of the three in a lot of ways because he had the other two there (not the best sleeper but easy in other ways) and has a bright, sunny personality with so much intensity in his eyes it's impossible not to love him! For me, having him in my life completely outweighs any financial/family dynamic/whatever issues because they can all be changed with a bit of effort from me.
He's irreplaceable.

furcoatbigknickers · 28/08/2014 22:07

That said the bigger families have a lot more resources, bigger house, supportive family and may well have regretted not having the extra one!!

What a load of rot.

mandy214 · 28/08/2014 22:08

Its v difficult. I have 3. 1 & 2 were twins so I dont really have a middle child and in lots of ways it was just a 2nd pregnancy.

I agree with everything that has previously been said - it is massively more expensive (we neeed an extension, currently paying double for a holiday because we are 5 instead of 4, more maternity leave (less pay), school lunches alone are £30 a week), the squabbling is horrendous, finding time for quality time with each of them, the taxi service etc.... BUT she just fits. It just feels right. The older 2 have gained so much from her. The closeness each of them has with her is surprising and when all 3 of them are playing together its just fab. I seriously think this was how my family was meant yo be. Chaotic yes, but wouldnt change it for the world.

waithorse · 28/08/2014 22:08

I don't regret it. But I am aware that life would be much easier with two. Though there isn't much of a gap between with mine, maybe it would be easier if they weren't so close in age.

Snowinsummer · 28/08/2014 22:08

Never regretted, although unplanned. He's an angel. Have problems with DC2 & it's actually made things smoother in a weird sort of way. My gap was 3 under 4.

furcoatbigknickers · 28/08/2014 22:10

Lots of biggerfamilies live in small houses. I have 4 dcs and have v little family help or extra resources. I love having four.

furcoatbigknickers · 28/08/2014 22:11

2 plus is not for the weak

combust22 · 28/08/2014 22:11

Global population needs to be considerd also.
Human numbers is the single biggest threat to our own existence. Having more than two adds to that burden

waithorse · 28/08/2014 22:12

I should add my third was very much planned and loved beyond measure. I don't agree with middle child syndrome. All my dc are individual and are treated as such, middle one certainly doesn't miss out on anything by being in the middle.

SecretRed · 28/08/2014 22:13

I don't regret dc3 but it's been really hard. There are 5 yrs between 1&2 and 6 yrs between 2&3. We've basically started again each time. We had our first young and our third in our early thirties. I love them all more than anything of course but I feel like I'll be raising children forever!

PecanNut · 28/08/2014 22:14

I had a third and a fourth and don't regret either.

It is expensive though especially needing an extension and a bigger car and because I gave up my job.

I think children are wonderful but all your reasons for not doing it seem like really good reasons!

furcoatbigknickers · 28/08/2014 22:15

I wondered how long it would take for enviromental reasons to be bought up.

slugseatlettuce · 28/08/2014 22:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Shardlakelover · 28/08/2014 22:17

Thanks for your thoughts so far. It's highlighted another of my concerns - that I will have even less quality time with each child (I struggle to fit it in with just two children!). And the thought that DC3 could be twins is frankly terrifying!

It would be different if DH was strongly opposed to the idea of a third because then I would simply let it go. However, he is the same as me - open to persuasion but not pushing either way, if that makes sense.

OP posts:

combust22 · 28/08/2014 22:17

Are they not valid furcoat?

PacificDogwood · 28/08/2014 22:18

Yes, I've had times I'd regretted the 3rd…. and then the 4th….

Both planned and wanted and much loved, but O.M.G.

It had to be pointed out to me that with every subsequent child the potential for conflict goes up exponentially like so. It is so true… Sigh.

I'd not have it any other way, we can afford it and they all seem happy enough, but DS1(11) has already said he is going to have no more than 2 and DS2(10) plans to have no children but many dogs. I see his point.

furcoatbigknickers · 28/08/2014 22:19

Financially it is really tough... I've read loads of threads about children only costing alot if you allow them to... I want my children to eat well, do activities, have nice days out etc clothes, happy with second hand but with a pre-teen not going to happen. Plus once at secondary, tgere is trips, bus fairs etc

PacificDogwood · 28/08/2014 22:19

Btw, I too knew that if I had a 3rd I would have to have a 4th - I am not sure why, but I could not imagine an odd number of DCs. Weird.

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