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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to take 2 cars on my wedding day to accommodate someone?

156 replies

FelicityFoxton · 26/08/2014 20:17

I'm getting married on Friday - it's just a small do with 18 guests. Two of the people invited are my daughter's sister who is 26 and niece who is 2. ( my dd is almost 16 and they have the same father,. I'm not particularly close to her however we get on absolutely fine and my daughter is close to her , sees her often and babysits a lot for her niece.

I invited her to the wedding. We are getting married 12 miles from here and then it's a further 12 miles or so to where we are having lunch and then it's back to our house. My daughters sister does not drive and has now just told me that she can't get there using buses etc because where we are going is not on a bus route

We have two cars. We were only taking one because there are four of us in the family. I really do not want to take two cars to accommodate her. It would mean me driving , my ( soon to be ! ) husband driving and all this to fit her in with her little girl. I just don't want to drive there separately , get married and then drive off to the lunch separately etc etc.

My daughter thinks I'm BU. I think she's 26 years old an she's had enough notice to sort out a lift or a babysitter for her child ( who is very welcome of course but if it wasn't for her, we'd be able to squeeze her in )

My daughter wants her there. I do as well but I just don't want to take two cars.

So ... AIBU ?

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 26/08/2014 20:51

Tricky, but I think YANBU.

It's a small wedding. You're not that close. It'd be lovely if she could come, but clearly she can't, and that's not your fault.

It isn't usual for brides to sort out transport for everyone.

If anyone should be sorting this, it should surely be her dad, who is your ex? (Is that the right relationship?).

TheDietStartsTomorrow · 26/08/2014 20:51

I think the person being unreasonable here is your DD. She's sixteen and almost an adult. Your wedding day is about you and your new husband and she is being quite selfish in asking you to do something that will spoil much of the enjoyment of your special day to accommodate someone who you are not actually that close to.

I can understand you not wanting to drive on your wedding day. You want to be treated a bit special and be chauffered around. Why should you have to give up a part of your special day for someone who really should be capable of sorting herself out. She may be on income support but if I was her I would much rather bus it half the way and walk half the way or get lift off one of my own friends than ask the bride to pick me up and act as my driver.

Momunnymoproblems · 26/08/2014 20:51

Yanbu. She is an adult and if she can't arrange transport then maybe she won't be able to make it. Shame the bf is 'busy', wonder will that change if you can't give a lift.

Would feel really strange after the ceremony to get into a separate car from your new husband

Kimaroo · 26/08/2014 20:51

Can't someone else take your dd like gps or other close relatives? Then you can take the others in one car.

LapsedTwentysomething · 26/08/2014 20:52

Oops. I didn't realise there was a page 2 bloody mumsnet revamp

pillowaddict · 26/08/2014 20:54

Don't do it! She is an adult you are absolutely correct, and she hasn't asked in a way that implies she's exhausted every other option she is just expecting you to sort it out. It's your wedding day, don't feel obliged to do that. Could you maybe arrange a 7 seater taxi for all of you so neither you or the groom has to drive? Only if it suits you though. Or just apologise that you aren't taking 2 cars so there won't be space and ask if she has a friend who could help?

Original poster
FelicityFoxton · 26/08/2014 20:56

It's not a flash wedding ! No photographer , flowers etc. it's what we wanted - a small do in a nice pub then back home for champagne and some cupcakes.

I've not got some flouncy frock . I wanted a low key do to which I invited a small amount of people. I should NOT be responsible for getting a 26 year old there should I ?

OP posts:
StrawberryMojito · 26/08/2014 20:56

I'm going to go against the grain here. I can see why you don't want to do it, I really can. However, you know she can't afford a taxi (and £50 is a lot of money on your own), there is no public transport that can take her there, she doesn't drive, the other guests can't fit her in and, I may be right in thinking that the only people that she knows at this wedding will all be travelling in your car. It was nice of you to invite her but if she can't get there then it was a bit pointless. I'd probably take her or at least see if I could facilitate some other guests taking her...maybe picking her up from years. Either that or just say to her straight that although her dc is welcome, you can only fit one person in the car, she may rethink her childcare options.

JustDontWantToSay · 26/08/2014 20:56

NO! No, OP, DON'T take 2 cars. You're right, it would be best/sensible but the bottom line is that you don't want to and it's your wedding day!!! You won't get another, do it how you want.
And you're absolutely spot on - her travel arrangements are her issue because she's an adult. Just message back and say - dreadfully sorry but we're only taking one car so can't help. And then see how swiftly a solution is found...!
It's NOT your problem.
Many congratulations by the way :) x

Redglitter · 26/08/2014 20:57

No way would I take 2 cars. So you'll come out after getting married and you and your husband will get into separate cars to go to your own reception.

I'd tell her to chase herself. You've invited her it's up to guests to sort out getting to and from a wedding not up to the bride and groom to ferry them. What would have happened if you'd got a traditional wedding car would she have expected to hitch a lift in that

Jengnr · 26/08/2014 20:58

No OP, You're not.

Her boyfriend, her Dad, her mates, anyone could get her there. It is not your problem. Don't back down on this one. It's up to her to organise.

PurpleWithaMysteryBun · 26/08/2014 20:58

I would not be taking two cars to accommodate a fully grown woman and her daughter on my wedding day!

I don't know why you feel so responsible for her, it is a sign of your caring nature and a credit to you. However this is your special day!
I would also book yourself taxis so you can relax and drink.

JustDontWantToSay · 26/08/2014 20:58

Just to clarify - it would be best/sensible in different circumstances. Don't feel responsible for her. If anyone is, it should be her father!

Kimaroo · 26/08/2014 20:59

So neither of your cars has a middle backseat that someone could squish into? Seems a shame that you can't take them.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 26/08/2014 21:01

But strawberry, it's a wedding with 20 people. It's not a big do - surely it's clear in those circumstances that there might not be other guests willing to play taxi, or organized transport?

Herecomesthesciencebint · 26/08/2014 21:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 26/08/2014 21:05

Just to say that even though I said I'd take her, I don't think you are responsible for taking her.
It would simply be a nice gesture, considering you invited her and it's a apparently informal small do.

Original poster
FelicityFoxton · 26/08/2014 21:05

Yep we have a centre seat. But she has a two year old with a huge car seat
I've suggested to her that she hops on the bus to the registry office and then there will be guests there ( coming from other towns ) who can fit her in their car and she'd be sorted then

She says she cannot manage her dd and a car seat on the bus because it's a big car seat

OP posts:
StrawberryMojito · 26/08/2014 21:06

True. I just feel a bit sorry for her but then I am soft. We did try to help out with peoples transport issues at our wedding as they were our guests and we wanted them there. Though we are clearly not saints as we asked for honeymoon donations as a present (ultimate MN crime!)

Original poster
FelicityFoxton · 26/08/2014 21:06

No idea who is driving minty out of me and the other half. Does it matter ? I just wanted to be in one car together and I can't explain why I want that really. Just do

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 26/08/2014 21:07

It'd be odd not to be in the same car, IMO.

straw - yes, I get that, it's just I am wondering if her dad won't find he can manage to help out if it becomes clear it's needed?

Mintyy · 26/08/2014 21:08

Op, how did you think she was going to get herself there?

I agree with Strawberry that it is pointless to invite someone if they are going to have great difficulty attending.

You haven't said anything about other guests who know her. Presumably if she is your ex's daughter then she will be a stranger to your wedding party, except you and your dd.

Kimaroo · 26/08/2014 21:09

So the three of them can fit into the back? Your step dd can fit in the middle can't she?

nocabbageinmyeye · 26/08/2014 21:09

What the actual fuck?? No no no do not drive!! She had eight weeks to sort something out, eight weeks!! If she couldn't manage then she doesn't go, it is that simple!! She can come for cake and champers to your house later, she'll survive, so will you and your dd needs to get over it as she will have others there and its jot about her.

I cannot believe people are suggesting you drive Shock If this was the guest on saying "bride won't drive her put car on her wedding day do I can get a lift" people would tell her to jog on!

Stick to your guns op!

MoonlightandRoses · 26/08/2014 21:10

Firstly, congratulations! Thanks Secondly, agree that you shouldn't be sorting her transport to your own detriment. I can understand why she won't have the cash to spend on travel, but surely worst case is she comes round for the champagne and cake a bit later?

The invitation means you would love her to be there, not that you expect she attends whatever the cost (to you or her) IYSWIM?

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